Chapter Text
“I’m bisexual.”
Buck’s voice came out no louder than a whisper. It was ridiculous really, his nervousness. Eddie was a kind, smart and open-minded guy. Plus, they were both close friends with Hen and Karen and Michael and David. Being queer was not some unknown quantity. And yet, Buck’s eyes were pinned to the floor, staring directly at his white sneakers.
Eddie picked up on it instantly, like he always does. There never was any hiding from Eddie. He clapped his hand on Buck’s shoulder, his thumb falling upon his pulse. There was no doubt that Eddie could feel the adrenaline that was coursing, rushing, pulsating through his veins.
Buck looked up, and again Eddie did what he always does. Searching Buck’s face until their eyes met, begging him not to turn away.
“Evan. I’ll always support you, no matter who you love. You’re my best friend and partner. Nothing is going to change that.”
Eddie’s fingers squeezed Buck’s shoulder ever so slightly tighter.
“Ever.”
Buck stared into those molten brown irises for a moment longer before tightly squeezing his eyes shut. He allowed the words to soothe him, allowed the warmth on his shoulder to ground him.
Eddie, I think I’m in love with you. As more than a friend.
The words were on the tip of his tongue. He just had to say it. Just say it. Just say it. Just-
“Anyway, if you want to ask out Tommy, you definitely should. He’s a great guy and would treat you well. I can stay out of your guys’ way.” Eddie suddenly said with a chuckle.
Buck’s eyes shot open.
Tommy?
What?
He thinks I want to date Tommy?
No. No.
I’m jealous of Tommy.
I want to be with you.
I love you.
I.
The jumble of thoughts and miscommunications swirled through Buck’s mind and came out physically rather than verbally. Suddenly, against all better judgement, Buck found himself surging forward, closing the gap between himself and Eddie.
Buck’s first instinct was surprise. Eddie’s lips were softer than he expected.
Buck’s second instinct was pure abject horror. He was kissing his best friend, without his consent. What was he doing?!
Buck jumped back as quickly as he had come forward, his lips tingling, his cheeks turning a furious red. Mortified would be an understatement. What did he just do? What did he just ruin?
It was Buck’s turn to search Eddie’s face. Belatedly, he realized Eddie hadn’t moved a muscle, save for his hand falling away from Buck’s shoulder. His mouth was closed (was that a grimace?), pupils blown wide, eyebrows arched to the heavens. He looked like a statue from Pompeii, frozen in shock.
Apologies tumbled from Buck’s mouth like vomit.
“Eddie… I’m sorry. Fuck! I’m so sorry. I don’t know what I was thinking. I wasn’t thinking. I’m sorry. Eddie-”
“Buck…”
Eddies voice was impossibly soft. It didn’t sound angry (it should have), it didn’t sound disgusted (it should have). It sounded sad. Pity. That was worse.
He should have used his words to make Eddie understand. He would have understood. He would have let Buck down gently. It would have made this rejection hurt less.
Instead, they were in this mess. The tension of this situation he made started to get to him. Buck could feel tears starting to prick his eyes. Threatening to well up and overflow.
He quickly spun on his heel. He couldn’t let Eddie see his tears. He stared at the balcony doors, at his misshapen reflection within them, mimicking the shape of his crumpled heart.
“I’m sorry, Eddie. We can just pretend that didn’t happen.” Buck willed his voice not to waver or crack.
“Buck, why don’t we talk about this-” Eddie tried again.
Always considerate. Always kind. Even in a situation like this. Of course.
“I think you should go home. Chris must be waiting.”
Buck shut him down better much better than he could shut down his own wailing heart.
Hesitation. And then footsteps, slow and soft. Buck could hear Eddie shuffle towards the door. He could make out the reflection of his back in the dark balcony doors. His heart ached.
To turn back and face Eddies concern. To be assured that they would still be ok. That they were still friends. He wanted it so badly. But to do so would be to acknowledge his bleeding heart. Acknowledge that he had been in love with is best friend for a very long time. Acknowledge that his best friend didn’t love him back. He just couldn’t do it. He wanted to. He couldn’t.
His thoughts warred with his heart. Should he turn back? Should he ask him to stay?
By the time, his heart finally won out and Buck turned back towards Eddie, all that there was left to find was the slow click of the door closing behind him.
Buck stared at the closed door for a long time, eyes suddenly dry. What was he supposed to do now?