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“All right, according to the syllabus, today we should cover the second half of chapter thirteen, pages 103-127,” Annie announces before looking at the others sitting around the table and noting that most of them look almost as bad as she feels.
“Can we please not?” mumbles Britta. “Not today.” She adjusts the jacket draped across her shoulders before burying her hands back into the pockets of her hoodie.
“Well, I can’t see why we shouldn’t at least try to—”
“‘Cause we just survived the worst Halloween party ever?” moans Troy. He looks like he has a whole pack of SpongeBob band aids plastered all over him as he is sitting with an elbow on the table and his head resting in the palm of his hand. Two on one arm, one on the other, one on the back of his neck, one on the side, and another on his jaw.
“Second worst,” says Abed. He has shadows under his eyes that look almost like bruises, and what’s left of the SpongeBob pack; a big one on his forehead, and a smaller one on his hand. “In 1991 six people claimed they had been abducted by aliens. Two of them were only found a week later in Nebraska, and one in December, in Michigan.”
“Oh, Lord!” Shirley gasps. Ok, she doesn’t look bad. Not at all. Her hair looks great, and so does her makeup. She is wearing her favorite purple top and has her books set in front of her in a neat pile. But the way she is hugging her bag with both arms suggests she isn’t feeling too well either.
“And were they?” asks Troy, suddenly sitting up straighter in his chair. “Abducted by aliens.”
“We will never know for sure, but according to my sources, it looks to be the most likely explanation,” says Abed.
“Your sources?” sneers Jeff, looking at him over the rim of his most expensive, and what’s even more important; largest and darkest sunglasses.
“There is a website dedicated to the case, with a very active messaging board.”
“Yeah, right, just send us the link.” Jeff pushes his glasses back on his nose before raising his cup to his lips and taking a long sip of coffee.
“Sure,” says Abed with a nod, then fishes his phone out of his pocket and starts typing right away.
So in about twenty seconds they all have it. And another two.
“Get away from me!” Pierce wakes up with a yell and a snort. For a terrible moment she thinks he is grabbing his chest too, but she soon realizes that it’s just his phone in his breast pocket. “TheGreendaleSix.Com… Have I missed something?”
“Yeah,” breathes Troy as he clicks on the link and starts scrolling right away. “Abed found this website about—”
“Can we all please put down our phones and focus on our books?” Annie clears her throat.
“No,” Jeff says flatly, sipping his coffee and skimming TheGreendaleSix.Com.
“Haven’t we agreed that it’s unnecessary anyway?” asks Britta.
“No,” huffs Annie. “We agreed that we will follow the syllabus and at least read the book.”
“Yeah, but—”
“Professor Bauer got replaced in about five seconds. What if Professor Duncan does something that gets him replaced too, and we end up being expected to already know all this?” She places a hand on her book.
“We should totally start a site like this,” says Troy without even looking up from his phone.
“We could try to talk to other students,” Abed agrees. “Maybe there are people out there who remember more than us.”
“We could give them apples too.”
“Or we should switch to dental polymer. It would look more professional.”
“Do we even dare to ask for more details?” Jeff asks with a grin, not even trying to hide the fact that he is willing to do just about anything to stop the group from studying.
“We hoped you would.” Abed gives him a nod, then turns to Troy and gives him an even bigger one.
Realizing that staying on track with their syllabus is getting more and more unlikely, Annie opens her bottle and forces herself to drink more of her water. It’s already noon, but she’s nowhere near her target, because even though drinking plenty of water should help with her headache and general grogginess, she just doesn’t like the way it tastes. She should have added a few drops of lemon juice or something to it.
“See?” asks Troy as he finally manages to peel off the band aid from his upper arm. “This one’s from Abed.” He shows it around, while Abed puts a big bag of apples on the table, takes one and sinks his teeth into it without actually taking a bite.
“As we had matching costumes, we decided it would make sense that we spent most of the night in close proximity to each other,” he says, wiping his mouth on the back of his hand and holding the apple next to Troy’s arm, so that they can compare the two marks. “So when the drug in our punch kicked in and made us start to bite, we bit each other.”
“Except I didn’t bite Abed,” says Troy with some disappointment.
“Yeah,” he says. “This is from someone else.” He points at his forehead. “And this is something completely unrelated,” he adds, looking at his hand.
“So what, you expect us to give you samples too?” asks Pierce, motioning towards the rest of the apples.
“Yes,” says Abed in a voice that suggests it should go without asking.
“Well, I refuse.” Pierce folds his arm in front of his chest. “I’ve been tricked into giving samples before, and I promised my lawyers I won’t get tricked again.”
“Yeah, as much as it pains me to say this, I wouldn’t recommend giving samples either,” adds Jeff.
“But wouldn’t you like to know who bit you?” asks Abed.
“Oh, I would love to,” he says with a chuckle. “Then I would love to drag their asses to court and take everything they have if I end up with a permanent scar.” He motions towards the boring, flesh colored band aid on his own neck.
“I wouldn’t feel comfortable with you putting mine on the internet either,” says Britta. “It’s already way too easy for the government to learn way too much about us.”
“And if we promise we won’t put it on the internet?” asks Abed.
“I’m sorry, I couldn’t live with myself if I learned that I bit one of you.” Shirley hugs her bag closer to her chest. “Even if we all know that it happened only because some monster decided to turn us all on each other with his drugs.”
“Or her drugs,” adds Britta.
“Well, I don’t know.” Shirley shakes her head. “I would hate to think that a woman, however misguided, would be capable of such a—”
“How about you, Annie?” Abed asks, and for a single, horrible moment the whole group goes very silent as they one by one turn to look at her.
“Me?” she gasps.
“Will you give us a sample?” he asks.
“I don’t know,” she mumbles.
“For science’s sake?”
“But won't you hate me if it turns out that I bit you?”
“I don’t hate Abed for it,” says Troy. “And I wouldn’t hate you either.”
“I wouldn’t hate you either,” adds Abed. “In fact, I’d rather be bitten by you than by anyone else. You are very meticulous about your dental hygiene.”
“Hey!” cries Jeff. “I floss and use a mouthwash after every meal too.”
“I don’t,” says Pierce. “Because I’m not gay.”
“I would still choose Annie.” Abed shrugs. “Your mouthwash is too minty. Hers is nice.”
“Ok,” she breathes as she starts to get up from her seat. “But I don’t want you to put my sample on the internet either.” She walks up to Abed and takes an apple from him. “And I don’t want to know if I bit anyone else. Especially if it’s someone like, you know, Starburns.”
“Sure.” He gives her a sincere nod. “Now, the trick is to open your mouth as wide as you can, and try not to bite down on it…”