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Ashwinder eggs were the staple ingredient, as were rose thorns, rose petals, peppermint, pearl dust and Moonstone.
Eileen had to scavenge any coins, any money that Tobias would give her, to sneak off monthly to buy it from a dealer in Knockturn Alley.
Rose thorns and petals she stole from flower shops and the neighbour's garden.
Peppermint she bought and dried them, hid them behind the second cabinet.
Eileen worked part-time at a cheap crystal shop that sold trinkets to passersby. She only needed two coin-sized moonstones, and she usually had them added to her wages.
She’s crushed and carefully kept the pearl dust from her pearl necklace, made from the finest creamy iridescent natural pearls found and curated from Indonesia. It was a gift from her parents, among the few pieces of jewellery she took with her before she ran away. One hundred pearl beads are carefully sewn into one large necklace, and Eileen crushes them one by one, using only a pinch for each batch.
She only needed one spoonful a day.
Since there are many different types of love potions, there are many different methods to brew them. Eileen doesn’t brew this potion for others; she does it for herself, so she knows with exact certainty how many stirs she needs to keep the butterwarming feeling in her stomach. How long she need to heat the potion so it will help build enough lust for her to endure and please her husband. How long should she wait for the potion to cool and simmer before transferring it into a silver vial and it would help clear her worries her doubts of her spouse.
Amortentia was the most potent love potion in the world. It’s helped save her marriage and her life.
When she first told Tobias the truth, he changed (or he was worse than he was), and Eileen lived in constant fear of her life.
“Please don’t do this to me,” she would plead, asking him to show her mercy and kindness. She couldn’t look in the mirror, lest she see her face black and blue.
They have a child together, Eileen needs Tobias more than ever. He saved her from the streets, he showered her with love, did not care about her name or her gullible state.
He used to tell her she was all that was good in the world.
“If ye know magic that makes yourself a better wife.”
Eileen silently pondered on it for three days as Tobias left the house to drink with his friends.
She left the Wizarding World because she wasn’t adept at magic, she was a disgrace to her parents.
But potions, she could do potions.
She spent all week finding cheap ingredients and utensils, until finally she made the potion, bubbling pink with a shimmering colour. Smelling of her husband’s aftershave, their home and her son.
She smiled, the tenseness of her weeks, so close to be relieved and free.
She took a spoonful, and her mind floated and was sent to another world. Her life was tinged sparkling and pink and she felt as if she had on wings on her feet, she never wanted to go to sleep, all she thought of was her lovely husband, how handsome he was, how perfect.
She wasn’t sad anymore. She was free.
***
She’s never forgotten to take it every day, and Tobias, he felt much more pleasant, she was much happier, more in love.
Tobias encouraged her to continue, but when he learned what she had done, he never ate or drank at home.
“It’s ye who needs fixin’, not me.”
She agreed. Of course, she betrayed her husband. She should learn from her mistakes. She wants to be happy with the man she loves.
She dotted on Severus even though Tobias was absent frequently and his mood swings were erratic and inconsistent. She dutifully cared for her son and reported every detail and every milestone he achieved.
One day, Severus was sitting on the kitchen floor. He was five and independent, but he loved to be close to his mother. Eileen was cutting the vegetables. Her hands hurt because her husband had to show her what would happen if she ironed his clothes wrong, which was her fault, really. She should have been more careful.
Tobias was in his chair, sitting on the leather with a cigarette and newspaper in hand. The wireless was on, relaying the news.
“Bring me water,” Tobias grunted. It was a hot day, of course her beloved husband needed water.
Eileen rushed to take a glass- Tobias hates tardiness- and she filled it to the brim, humming a small tune under her breath.
Her fingers were too weak, and the glass slipped and fell with a loud crash.
Tobias stood abruptly, ready to yell to teach her. “How many bloody times-”
“Papa, I’ll help!” The glass repaired itself in an instant and flew on the table. Severus stared at his father, expectant.
Tobias stepped back in shock, his face repulsed, his eyes quivering. He marched out of the house in a quick huff. Eileen cried and pleaded for him not to go.
For seven days, Tobias stayed away.
Eileen ached in pain, hoping against hope to rectify her mistake.
I love my husband, she murmured. I love my husband.
***
Eileen repeats to herself all that Tobias likes, all that she needs to do to please her husband.
She never complains when he’s rough with her.
She smiles when he asks him to clean the house again. “Why is the house getting darker with soot, you stupid bint?”
Severus is growing and he no longer wants to stay close to his Mama.
Her body aches, her mind is empty but her heart is full.
Take another spoonful, it will be okay.
I love my husband. I love my husband. I love my husband.
She needs to brew again. She removes all the ingredients, but one is missing.
“Severus, where are my pearls?” She still has three beads. It could last her the year, then she might need to resort to stealing.
Severus’ new friend, the Lily girl seems well off, one visit to her house, the mother will never know…
“Severus, have you seen it?”
Her heart rate increases, and she’s nervous. She hasn’t taken a dose yet today, and she can fill the creeping chill of the day. Her vision is dull and grey.
“Severus?” Her voice rises, and her brows sweat. Things are no longer hazy and sparkling; her limbs are heavy, and her joints are in pain.
Severus is ten; he’s grown so tall. But his hair is matted and long, his clothes are dirty and torn, his skin is pale, and he’s thin—thinner than she thinks he is supposed to be.
Why is he staring at her like that? Glassy-eyed and pitiful?
“You shouldn’t take your medication anymore, Mama,” Severus says. It's quiet and harsh, and she already feels like screaming.
“Severus!”
“Severus!”
She stumbles, trying to reach a handout, almost snarling, “Give me Mama’s pearl back! Give it back to me!”
***
The silence of the house was defeaning, but there is a torrent of emotions screeching, wailing a concert within her. As the last tendrils of the potion's influence receded from her mind, a torrent of realisations crashed over her, each wave more disorienting than the last.
It’s like staring directly at the sun, everything was too clear. Too painful.
The kitchen, once a cozy haven filled with the illusion of warmth and affection, now felt oppressively small and suffocating. The walls seemed to close in on her, and every worn surface and faded piece of furniture was broken or crooked.
Where was the glow of lights? The hazy tinge of pink?
She had been drifting, content underwater, drowning, to be forced to breathe air now was an ache she wasn’t ready to endure.
A mountain of despair, guilt, and her nerves scrambling to make sense of her surroundings. Paranoid mixed with anger.
She can’t. She can’t.
Eileen gazed out the grimy window, struggling to stand. She needed water, her potion, and….
Severus stands a few feet away, his hand on the kitchen's wooden frame, wary and cautious.
“No more, Mama,” He pleads. “Please no more…”
***
Why do you take the spoon of pink medicine, Mama?”
“It helps me become happy.”
“How does it help you become happy?”
She chuckles, “It takes away all the dirt and the grey, the…unsavoury feelings that make me unhappy… and replaces it with only fuzzy and good.”
Severus frowned. He looked around the house dubiously. “You mean it only works in your head; it’s not really taking away the bad feelings?”
“You’ll understand when you're older, son.”
She doesn’t see Severus watch her brew.
Severus read a potion’s book.
Severus observed her.
Saw Tobias for who he clearly was.
***
Eilene is trembling. This reality, this cold day, was too much for her to bear. Perhaps if she checked the last of her bottle—she scrapes her hand around the cabinet—yes! There is still a half spoonful left in the vial! That is all she needs for her potion.
All she needs–
“Mama! No!”
Her hands are focused, she has a goal, a purpose that Severus doesn’t understand.
“It’ll be okay, darling.” She kept repeating, her heart rate rising, her mouth-watering, anxious to take her spoonful and be rid of this damnation. “Everything will be okay soon.”
Severus gripped her wrist, Eileen winced, it was bruised, but she didn’t remember why.
Why would Tobias hurt her? Didn’t he love her?
Didn’t he?
“Mama, please!”
Severus has his forehead, his face on her stomach, “Mama please don’t do this anymore!”
Her potion is nearly done.
“Mama, I don’t want to live like this anymore-” he sobbed. Such an odd request from a boy so young.
When the reality of her marriage and her life settled in the first place, she remembers saying the same thing to herself.
I can’t live like this anymore.
The potion is ready. She can smell the pleasant smell, the call that would make her escape from this dreaded wreath.
Her frock is wet, and Severus is trembling on his knees, his fingers gripped onto her skin.
It was supposed to help her cope and find her happiness.
But why was she lying to herself?
Eileen throws the vial away, she breaks down and cries with Severus, her son.
“I’m sorry, I’m sorry,” is all she can say.
She knows what she has to do for Severus; they couldn’t stay…
Leaving Tobias was more than a mere decision for Eileen; it felt akin to severing a limb, so deeply was he woven into the fabric of her being. For years, she had harboured hope, clinging to the belief that the Tobias she once loved, the man hidden beneath layers of bitterness and anger, might reemerge. But she continued to take her potions nd he continued to be indifferent, in fact his cruelty escalated.
Her head clear, for the first time in perhaps years, a profound shift occurred within her. It seemed she had been awaiting a sign, a final indication that it was time to let go. Time to stop her own madness. Severus was that sign. Her son had pulled her up and forced her into the light. Shown her, her hope had been tethered to a mirage.
Her bright, sensitive son deserved far more than the shadows and strife that had become their everyday existence. He deserved joy, laughter, and a chance at a future unmarred by the scars of their current life. She had done so much damage, and still, her son clung to her.
She feels love now, not the hazy goodness that she fed her mind, but the strong urge that forces her to stand, giving her the strength to see a new path.
She stood up on wobbly legs, mustering the courage to move, swallowing the nausea of her mistake. Slowly, she turned around.
Tobias stood behind her, uglier and more frightening than she ever thought he could be. He saw the broken potion, swiftly took out a dagger he kept on his body, and swung it down.
And stabbed her.
I love my son. I love my son. I love him.
Severus's scream is the last thing she hears.