Work Text:
I hate the feeling. The feeling of butterflies swimming in my stomach when you hold my hand. The feeling of heat rushing to my cheeks when you choose me to always be your playmate. The feeling of sincerity when you look into my eyes.
We were 6 years old. We were so so young. And I hate the feeling. Because I'm supposed to hate you with all my being. Because I hate having to lessen my skills just to please you, just to please my parents.
I hate the feeling of loving you. Because despite your clumsiness, your naivity, your clueless nature. I love it. I love having to fix your things, to stay close to you. To have you look up at me and look at me with such loving eyes.
I hate the feeling. We're not friends. We will never be friends. But... sigh, whatever.
•~•
Jamil was seen talking to Yuu in the Scarabia Kitchen, chopping up vegetables as he prepares Kalim's lunch for today. It's been 3 days since Yuu was manipulated to stay. And it's all coming to plan.
"Kalim has been acting weirdly..."
Yuu says as they watch Jamil work.
"How so..?"
Jamil asks, careful not to seem too interested.
"Well... he is acting way too... different. Like one time he's sweet and carefree then the next he is mean and demanding"
Jamil contains his smirk, his plan is working.
"That's just how he is. He can be handle to predict sometimes..."
It is true, Kalim can be very hard to predict. And it's not like he is lying about it, Kalim switches up time to time.
"But his eyes..."
Jamil stops his movements.
"What about them?"
He asks, not looking at Yuu.
"His eyes are different everytime... like they turn dark red... almost black everytime he switches attitudes"
Yuu describes, sounding unsure of themselves.
"...his eyes?"
They noticed the changed color of his red eyes..? He never knew Yuu could be this observant. No issue, he is sure Yuu won't catch up to his plans anyways.
"His eyes are usually a shiny red when he is nice..."
Yuu traces off as they just shrugs their shoulders. Jamil immediately continues chopping again.
"His eyes can be.. unique I guess. Though shiny red isn't what I'd describe it.."
"What would you describe it as then?"
Blood. Hate. Power.
•~•
I hate the color red. The red of his scarf, the red of his clothes, the red in his home. The red in those eyes. The eyes that continually shine brighter than the sun. It's disgusting just how much hope he can see in them.
We were 13 years old. You were just learning how to fly a broom while I was having no trouble. But mom forced me to pretend I had trouble, so that Kalim wouldn't be sad about it.
Why? Why must I always be below you. You're not worthy of such treatment. You should be put in your place. Have you understand you aren't special. You're just a nobody who can't do anything without me.
Jamil watches as Kalim tries again and again to ride on the broom. He's been forced to stay with him until he can get it. With Jamil cutting in multiple times to give him advice because he just wants to go back in his room and not spend anymore time with him.
You're barely riding the broom with my help, how much more if you're alone? You're useless. You're incompetent. You're not fit to be a leader, much less a Sultan. You're not special. I hate you.
After a few more tries, Kalim was able to hold on properly and propel high into the sky. Jamil just watches as Kalim rejoices in his achievement. Finally.
"Be careful, Kalim, you could fall off"
"Look at me go Jamil!"
Of course he doesn't listen. He never does. Jamil's attention was caught by a sound of a meow. He looks up and sees a cat in a tree, too high up to jump down. It's meowing at Kalim. Oh no.
"Oh no! You poor cat, can't come down huh? Don't worry! I'll help you!"
Kalim calls as he suddenly stands up on the broom. Jamil's first reaction was to panic.
"Kalim! Don't just get off the broom! We can use magic to–"
He gets caught off as Kaim jumps from the broom to the tree.
"KALIM!!"
Jamil shrieked as he rushes under Kalim, prepared to catch him if he ever falls. He can hear the clank of the Magic broom falling from its initial position.
Kalim takes a few seconds to stabilize himself onto the thick tree branch, he opens his arms and gently reaches for the cat to go to him.
"Pspspsps... here kitty kitty, I got you.."
Kalim says as the cat surprisingly walks to his direction, slowly and carefully as it doesn't want to also fall off. As the cat reaches Kalim's arms, Kalim embraces it in his arms.
"Aww~ what a good cat you are! I'll be sure to feed you foods from the most prominent chefs around the world!"
Jamil facepalms himself, Kalim just learned the word prominent too.
"Kalim, sorry to ruin your bonding moments... but please get down from that tree!"
Kalim looks down at Jamil.
"Oh! Okay!"
He chuckles as Jamil sighs. Jamil brings out a magical pen.
"Okay, stay still while I–"
"YUPPEY~!"
Kalim yelps as he jumps off the tree with the cat in his arms. Jamil quickly drops his magical pen and stretches his arms out in a panic, then immediately gets smothered to the ground by Kalim's weight.
The cat jumps out of Kalim's arms and meows at him one last time. It walks away to wherever it needs to go. Jamil, on the other hand, was all dizzy and pain ridden. Kalim was exactly on his lap, his weight was enough to knock Jamil's butt down to the ground.
"Woah! Are you alright?!"
Kalim asks worriedly.
"What's wrong with you?! I could've conjured up magic to help you down! And you just jumped with no second thought!"
Jamil scolded angrily while Kalim looks at him with sadness. Kalim cups his face and examines it for any injuries. Jamil couldn't help but blush at the action. Kalim's eyes pierce through Jamil's as he looks at him with genuine concern.
"I'm so sorry! I didn't mean to hurt you... I genuinely thought you were strong enough to handle me! I'll bring you to the finest surgeons at once!!"
Woah, WHAT?????
"K-KALIM! I don't need surgeons! I–"
Kalim's face morphs into a puppy face look and Jamil sighs.
"Just take me to the doctor..."
Kalim's eyes light up as he smiles gently.
"Okay! Don't worry, we'll get you fixed right up!"
Jamil couldn't seem to say anything, like he was in a trance. Kalim gets off him quickly and helps him up by the arm, he walks slowly to accommodate Jamil's physical state.
Jamil ended up bedridden for one day after getting bandages. His parents scolded him for not watching Kalim carefully. They even had him apologize to his parents, to which they responded nicely, saying Kalim should've been more careful. Good to know they're at least aware.
Either way, Jamil's parents still tell him that he shouldn't let anything like that happen again. He huffs in annoyance, why was it his fault again? He didn't do anything wrong.
He remembers vividly the look of concern in Kalim's eyes. How he looked at him with so much care, so much concern. His eyes showed so much emotion. Those ruby eyes of his... he really hates the color red.
•~•
It's been 10 hours since Yuu disappeared and Jamil was biting onto his nails. Are the people in Scarabia really just as incompetent as Kalim?! How could they let a person WITH NO MAGIC escape? What absolute morons he is working with.
Jamil can be seen pacing around his room in a fast manner, he doesn't stop until he hears a knock on the door. He stops and contemplates opening it, afterall, it's probably the same person who has knocked the last 3 times this hour.
"Jamil~ please open the door.."
Huh? Why did he sound upset? It's not like Jamil forgot to do anything.. ok, maybe this time he can open the door.
"Kalim, what's wrong—"
Jamil gets pummeled to the ground by a hug. He closes his eyes and embraces the fact he'll most likely hit his head to the floor and faint. But before that can happen, a hand suddenly holds the back of his head from ever hitting the floor.
Jamil opens his eyes and looks down, seeing Kalim hugging him tightly. He blushes and tries to get him off him but Kalim doesn’t budge.
"K-Kalim! What are you doing this for–"
"JamilIHaveBeenSoWorriedAboutYouAndAllYou'reDoingIsStayingInYourRoom!"
Kalim sprouts out as fast as he could and Jamil wasn't able to understand half of it. He gently sits up, with Kalim gently laying on his chest, he cups Kalim's soft cheek and lifts his head up.
"Kalim, slow down. What's wrong?"
"You're wrong!"
Excuse me?
"W-wait no! I didn't mean it that way!"
Kalim panics slightly after realizing how wrong he sounds.
"I... I'm worried.."
Kalim finally says after carefully picking his words. Jamil raises his brows in confusion.
"Worried? About what? If it's about Yuu then don't worry–"
"No! Let me finish!"
Jamil immediately sighs, what a pain.
"I'm worried about you.."
Jamil swears his heart skipped a beat.
"Why?"
"Ever since Yuu... well went away. You have been restless, walking around and just muttering to yourself in your room.."
"Ah, well thats—"
Kalim shots him a glare, it was anything but adorable as he does a pout. Jamil sighs and lets Kalim continue.
"And every time I checked up on you... you just kept saying it's alright so I had to sound upset to at least get you to open the door. And I tackled you down so you can't just push me out"
That's a lie, I can easily use wind magic to bring you out in an instant. So why... why am I not doing that...?
"I'm worried... Jamil won't open up to me, but I always open up to him. I know things haven't been... particularly stable the last few weeks but.. you can rely on me too, I care you know?"
Kalim says as he looks directly into my eyes. Of course, I know. You care. That's all you ever do. All you ever do is care for me.
•~•
I hate your care. It's overwhelming, it's annoying. It's overbearing. It's unnecessary. But he remembers that day all too well. He remembers being bedridden for days. The pain was excruciating
We were 9 years old. I was poisoned while testing your food during a family gathering. It was very ironic, it was even by my favorite food too. I was feeling dizzy the first few seconds then immediately fainted onto the ground. The last words I heard was you screaming my name.
I spent like 1 day in bed but I was told you cried like a baby, seated next to me. My mother told me that you spent the whole day holding my hand, muttering the words 'I'm sorry'. They had to drag you out of the room just to eat. I couldn't help but feel a little satisfied that I wasn't the only one suffering.
But when I woke up, I could never forget it. I felt so confused, and my eyes were blinking rapidly as I adjusted to the rooms light source. After a few moments of blinking, my vision cleared. The first thing I noticed was someone sleeping next to me. Kalim...
Kalim was sleeping on the bed while holding onto my hand with his other. I blush and pulled my hand away, I look around the room. It was decorated with flowers and balloons of all colors, all saying 'Get Well Soon!'. I sigh and look out the window, it was night time.
Wait...
DID KALIM NOT EAT DINNER?! I gently shook him in a quick motion. Kalim quickly woke up and looked at me dumb founded after realizing what was happening.
"Jamil...?"
"Kalim..! Why are you here? You should go and eat dinner–"
Kalim then bursted into tears as he saw me awake. I panic and took 1 hour to calm him down. Why does this boy cry so much?!
"Why didn't you eat dinner Kalim..?"
I ask gently, because I know scolding him will make him cry again.
"..I was so w-worried..."
"Kalim, I appreciate that. But you shouldn't—"
"No!"
Kalim screamed as he interrupted me.
"W-worrying shows I care! So please don't ever tell me to not worry!"
'Worrying shows I care', why do those words make me so happy? I gently put my hands on his shoulders.
"I see... you don't need to worry now. I'm awake"
Kalim smiled ever so softly to my words. He cares. He shows it through his actions, his gifts, his smile. And it makes me feel important. I hate it. I hate how much you care. I hate that you care at all. I hate your care.
•~•
The blot runs down Jamil's arms, spilling onto the floor. Kalim...
Kalim is screaming at Jamil, telling him to calm down. Ha, as if. He's done listening to orders from Kalim, what a fucking pathetic 'prince'. What does he think he can do? Use his signature spell to defeat Jamil? As if he is even a match for him.
You're not even a fly in my way, you're just a small burst of wind in my way.
Jamil transforms into his overblot form within a few seconds. The students of the dorm immediately falling to his commands. Simpletons. Dumbasses. Morons. Idiots. The lot of you all...
He makes them bow, chant praises into the air. And Jamil smiles happily for the first time. Finally. He finally has what he deserves. What he wants. What he needs.
He lifts his pen up, laughing maniacally as sparks start to well up from his pen. He points it directly to Kalim's direction. He smiles widely as he makes eye contact with Kalim.
Kalim is in tears, crying yet looking at Jamil with some level of denial. Wanting to believe he wouldn't do this, not to him. And Jamil hesitates. He fucking hesitates. What an annoying pest.
He lets his spell fly out, sending Kalim, the (other) dysfunctional duo, and the Octabitches trio fly up high in the air. He sways his pen to a direction and they fly to the unknown. He did it. He finally did it.
So why did it hurt?
Can Kalim not even let him be happy about this. Annoying. So fucking annoying. I hate you. Get out of my life.
•~•
Kalim was seen pacing around the campus, smiling and laughing as always. Some people find it normal, some found it sad. Because how can someone still be ok after an overblot? By their own Vice Housewarden.
Kalim knows. He can hear the noises. He can hear them all thinking badly about him. But he doesn't mind it. He doesn't care about them right now. Its working, his act is at least working. He doesn't want to make this about him afterall.
He walks over to the light music club, tasked to grab some documents by Lilia. As he enters the room, he see's Lilia in the corner, smiling empathetically at Kalim.
"Kalim... thanks for getting those"
He says as he grabs the documents Kalim got and prepares to arrange them alphabetically. He invites Kalim to sit on the couch with him, Kalim accepts, not wanting to seem rude.
"So Kalim, how have you been?"
Kalim smiles, though Lilia see's right through it.
"Me? Oh! I've been doing well, how about you?"
'He's deflecting' Lilia thought.
"I'm fine fufu~ Things have been getting a little stressful lately at Diasomnia though"
Kalim's eyebrow raises.
"Really? How so?"
"There's... these two people who are fighting. And one hurt the other in the worst way possible. I won't say much about the situation to repeat their privacy but... the person who was hurt is acting like things are fine when they should be taking their time to rest"
"Oh no! That's not good!"
"I agree, but sadly this person is quite stubborn and won't let others understand or intervene with his situation. He doesn't want them to feel bad"
"I... I see..."
Kalim hesitates, sounds too much like him.
"What do you suppose I say to him? In order for him to know what to do?"
"W-Well... if it were me. I'd tell him that it's ok to be sad. After all, they've been hurt. That... they're not alone even if they seem to be. Sometimes... even when things are hard to comprehend, you should try to give yourself time and space to breathe..."
"Good advice. What else?"
"And that.... t-that..."
Kalim's tears well up in his eyes. Lilia doesn't look at him and focuses on arranging the documents.
"E-Even if things... a-aren't ok... even if he hates the feeling of being hurt... of being betrayed... h-he can do it..."
Kalim ended up crying by the time he finishes. Lilia was now done fixing the documents, he places it on a table and pats Kalim's back.
"Speak your mind, I'm here to listen"
"I hate it... I-I hate feeling like I'm just a burden to him now... I-I hate that e-everytime he is around, all I see is his frown and glare. I-I hate that I can't let i-it go. I hate s-seeing him just move away from me, l-like we aren't anything at all... I-I hate that I can't accept he hates me cause I-I love him so much..."
Lilia holds Kalim's head tightly to his chest, feeling his shirt start to get wet and hearing the sobs from Kalim. Lilia knows he can't do much but... if staying with Kalim helps lessen his pain even for just a little bit, he doesn't mind at all.
Kalim ended up spewing all his concerns and sadness onto Lilia, all he has been feeling. All the pain and suffering. Lilia just nods and hears him out. Because Kalim needs this, and Lilia doesn't know anyone else who could help Kalim right now.
Well he did, until he found out about their overblot.
Lilia sighs, he hopes Kalim will be able to go through this soon. Cause he deserves peace, one of the few people in this school who does.
•~•
Jamil looks straight at Kalim's room door. He has been standing there for 15 minutes now. Not knowing whether to enter or not. He knows there are many ways this can end badly. But... but– he worries about Kalim.
He shakes his head, eyes filling with determination as he knocks on the door. He hears foot steps and hears the door lock unlock. Kalim opens the door and shit, Jamil can't help but feel bad about the eyebags he has. Though, Jamil thinks he still looks handsome.
No, no time for that.
Kalim's eyes widen as he sees Jamil. He rubs his eyes and clears his throat. He moves out of the way to let Jamil inside. And Jamil walks inside slowly, his room looks like a mess. Kalim closes the door slowly, not daring to look back at Jamil.
"D-do... you need anything..?"
Jamil just looks at Kalim’s back and grabs onto his hand. Kalim is stunned into place.
"Please don't... I know you don't like me so—"
Jamil turns him around and hugs him closely. Kalim can feel the tears well up in his eyes, he tries to push Jamil away but Jamil doesn't budge.
"Stop..! Stop!"
"No, I'm worried about you"
Jamil cuts through his plea but Kalim isn't buying it.
"Y-You don't need to! I'm fine on my own! A-And you don't have to do anything for me anymore so–"
"Worrying shows I care. So please let me worry for you"
Kalim can't help but freeze at his words. Remembering a certain memory.
"T-thats not... fair..."
Jamil cups his cheek and looks at him directly in the eye.
"I know we have so much to talk about but please... just for tonight... will you let me hold you close? Closest to the place only you're allowed to fill?"
"...where may that be?"
"My heart."
•~•
I love the feeling. The feeling of butterflies swimming in my stomach when you hold my hand. The feeling of heat rushing to my cheeks when you choose me to always be your playmate. The feeling of sincerity when you look into my eyes.
We were 17 years old. We were still so so young. And i finally understood. You and I were never brought up as equals, but you always saw me as one. That's why you gave me so much of your care. Your world, your worry.
I hated the feeling of loving you. Because despite your clumsiness, your naivity, your clueless nature. I love it. I love having to fix your things, to stay close to you. To have you look up at me and look at me with such loving eyes.
How could I hate those things? They may you look so beautiful. I love them all. I love your care, your ruby eyes, your worry. I love everything about you.
We're not perfect. Not yet even close to that. But seeing how you are willing to give me a chance. I'm willing to make sure you never face the pain of being hurt again.
I love the feeling. We're not friends, we're mkre than that now. I know I screamed back at you, telling you how much I hated you then but... it's different now.
It's different when it's you.
How could I have hated the feeling of loving you?
How could I push you away when you're all I wanted right here?
No, I refuse to think back on it now. Because now, you're in my arms, sleeping peacefully as I pat your head.
I'm sorry.
I'm so sorry.
I love you.
♡ The End ♡