Work Text:
Day 1
‘tsunade-sama, if you could appoint a partner for my mission, preferably a jonin.’ she said, hoping that she didn't have to take the burden of the mission all alone again.
‘i’ve already appointed a highly qualified jonin, don't worry.’ tsunade-sama said. ‘he will be coming soon, so I hope you don't mind waiting.’ not willing to look at the girl, tsunade-sama was finding every excuse to avoid her eyes.
the fifth hokage could not deny the intelligence of the girl, but her past certainly makes her a person to stay away from, no matter the kind of political power they had.
she heard the door creaking open, not turning around to acknowledge the person entering. ‘i apologize for arriving late, i was caught up with some important work.’ said a man, it sounded as though he was right behind her.
‘ah, kakashi, good timing. she is going to be your partner for your new mission.’ said the fifth hokage. kakashi, she thought she had heard that name before.
the son of the white fang and infamously known as the copy ninja if she wasn’t wrong.
only after the hokage had introduced him to her, they faced each other.
he was a tall slender man; covered half of his face with a mask and his left eye with his headband; he had spiky silver hair.
‘hatake kakashi. i’ve heard about you from a friend, pleased to finally meet you.’
she gently nodded her head and went ahead with her introduction.
after having a brief discussion with the hokage regarding the mission, they made their way out of the building. ‘the hokage already gave us the basic details, so i'll meet you tomorrow at the gates.’ kakashi said and she simply nodded, heading towards her house.
Day 160
‘
hey kakashi-sensei, why do you keep looking at that lady?’ naruto asked and sakura hit him. she felt that naruto was being too direct and they had to spy on their sensei to find out about that woman.
to her surprise, kakashi said ‘a special someone i like.’ sakura gasped at both his honesty and the news she just received. their sensei likes someone.
sasuke might have acted uninterested, but he too was shocked at kakashi’s words.
kakashi hadn’t considered the consequences of trusting his genin team with this secret, but he let it happen because he was too lost in her little smile. her smile was his universe.
(he found someone to call his universe)
Day 208
something.
something should have been different, something should have changed, something is what should not have happened at all.
these ‘somethings’ ruined her, she can't let this something repeat, but she still finds herself feeling something for hatake kakashi.
what she believed as nothing, today those things have become her something; and she hates it when there is a ‘something’ in her life.
she can't stop the warmth she feels around him, but she denies it.
it took her months to agree to go on dinner with him (as friends). it took only two seconds to like the little things he does. it took two seconds for him to make her smile.
(little did she know, even an eternity would not be enough for her feelings to melt away.)
Day 280
she can’t be what he wanted her to be, isn’t what he made her. she isn't worthy of being whatever he sees her as.
so she stepped back, not looking him in the eye. she couldn't bring pain to herself; she couldn't bring pain to him.
maybe they both will be in pain today, but she believes that it will spare them from an incurable and excruciating pain.
so, with her heart bleeding, mind torn into pieces, she said ‘i’m sorry, i’m so so sorry for everything.’
but she knew that even if the entire world heard her apologize, he wouldn’t hear it.
maybe he heard it, but according to her, it was hollow words to him: words she doesn't mean.
he did his best to ensure she was always happy. maybe just another kind gesture, a maybe home cooked meal by him with everything she likes, maybe she should have listened to her more.
maybe, he didn't try enough to make her love him.
(but, some part of him knew that no matter the amount of effort he would’ve put, she would still say no.)
Day 379
maybe she didn't have to say no, but could she have lived her entire life with regret and self hatred?
she knew he wasn't the fault, people who she loved just never lived long or even a normal life.
her mother died giving birth to her. the torment she went through to ensure her daughter would live; such a disappointment that the person who she sacrificed her life for is a disappointment.
her father lived for five years after his wife passed away. those five years, he saw his wife on everything, her especially, the only thing he actually had left of his wife was their daughter.
the only person, after her parents, who cared for her and helped her out in bad times passed away because he had no food and she was too selfish to sacrifice even a small piece of bread to save her friend.
she was a selfish person, unworthy of love, unworthy of kind people, unworthy of living, yet she continued to live for all those people who sacrificed their lives for her.
she couldn't let kakashi be in this list of people, she couldn't be selfish and let him die. she thought that death was the only thing she could give him when he's worthy of something even greater than the universe.
Day 380
she was leaving, leaving konoha, leaving him, leaving everything, because the sand gave her an offer.
she was covered by a crowd of her friends but when she did see him, she could see the hurt in his eyes. his pain was evident, maybe not to the others, but she knew her departure was hurting him.
while the others were congratulating her, she was only looking for him to wish her well.
she said no to him without a reason, she knows she deserves that eerie amount of silence, but she could not deny the empty feeling in her heart without him.
and so he walked away silently, believing his absence will not be noticed by anyone, not realizing a deep frown formed on her face without his well wishes.
communication, that's what they lacked; if only she told him why she rejected him; if only he told her exactly what she meant to him and how that feeling was for him.
would he have been in a happier state after the rejection if he knew why?
would she have stayed by his stay, attempting to make things work despite her past, if he explained his feelings properly?
would this be the universe they stayed together in if they put a bit more effort?
Day 0
her unsent note to him:
forgive me,
i am a bad friend for breaking your heart. had this world been a better place, i would be by your side only.
the tears i have shed because of my decision can form a lake. my heart bleeds so much that if it were literal, i would be dead.
don't question my love for you, it is my love that drove me to push you away. could i be happy, seizing your breath away by staying beside you? no, i could not and would not be happy.
i often dwell in the thoughts of: what if i come back or what if i never rejected your love, yet those futile thoughts get me nowhere.
had i been a better person, your heart would not have broken. had i been a better person, the only tears we shed would have been happy tears.
Thank you so much for being a part of my life, hatake kakashi. you cooked for me, i had eaten a loving meal after years. you loved me, i found a reason to smile stupidly after years. you made me laugh, smile, question my sanity (in a good way).
you healed a part of me, and that is the greatest present i received.
forgive me kakashi, thought i know i am not worthy of your forgiveness.
forgive me, not because i deserve it, but so that you can close the chapter of me.
forgive me, because you deserve to forget me.
truly, from the bottom of my heart, i apologize and thank you, even if i say this for an eternity, it will not feel enough.
always yours.
his unsent note to her:
are you doing well?
i hope you are, well and happy, after all, you left in the pursuit of happiness, it would be a shame if you did not attain it.
were you even slightly at peace after leaving konoha? were you happy, shattering my heart?
anyways, let's leave this depressing talk behind, you did what you wanted to, and I was simply unwanted in your story.
would you trust me if i said that i truly love you? would you trust me if i said that you are the only one who has truly captivated my mind and heart?
but, would things change if you knew all this? would things change if you knew how much my heart longs for you at this specific moment?
i am not the sweet talker, nor a flatterer. i speak in this manner not to captivate your heart or make you mine, this is what i truly feel.
i always had a pretty sad, pitiful life, yet you brought me some sort of joy in my monotonous life. i had only memories tears worthy, but you changed that.
and being honest, that mission was truly fun. team 7 had a charm to them, i can not say otherwise, but i missed doing normal, dangerous missions with adults who had interesting kekkei genkai.
spiritually, emotionally, practically; you have taught me so much in life, knowing and unknowingly. so, thank you for everything you have taught me, for every memory you have given me.
i love you, i had loved you yesterday, I love you today, i will love you tomorrow and even when the world ends I will love you.
yours forever,
hatake kakashi.