Chapter Text
"Hey, Mags," you hummed -Judith bouncing on your hip, "-where's Rick? I've been trying to find him all da-"
Maggie froze for a second, and you stilled -tightening your grip on Judith. Was there danger? Was everything okay? Your eyes swung around to see if there was anything unusual, anything dangerous-
Your eyes caught on something.
It was Rick, wearing his constable uniform (which you blindly noted suited him really well), and talking to a woman. You knew her name, Jessie, he'd talked about her before -said her husband was a real piece of shit. Everyone within Alexandria apparently knew that, but Rick was the only one to do anything about it.
At the time, you thought it was heroic of him, something Rick would do.
But now...
Your eyes skimmed across his face, across the intent of his blue eyes. There was something there, something you knew. You're not sure if it's the way he stood, or the smooth smile slipped onto his lips, or the way he looked down when he laughed at her -whatever she said, but-
"Why don't you just come inside?"
You barely heard it, something in your chest sinking -heavy. Your heart was pounding in your chest, it felt like every breath took everything out of your lungs, like your whole world was teetering on an edge. And Rick Grimes held it in his hands.
And he was... he was throwing it around, he wasn't even careful-
"Y/N," she continued, and you could hear her but there was something in you that couldn't move.
How long had this been happening? A married woman, really?
You knew her husband was terrible, scum of the Earth-
"Y/N," she warned, gently.
But her?
Why hadn't he ever told you? Why did you ever think that it was different now?
What were you to him? Just a goddamn babysitter?
The hope that had gathered up in your chest was snuffed out, just like the crumbling of your heart. You'd always knew it would come to this, you just weren't ready.
"Y/N," she stressed -trying to gain your focus, "-come on-"
Something in your stomach twisted, sour.
Tossing like a tide, you swayed in place. Your head was getting fuzzy and your eyes were bleary. Your ears felt like they were stuffed, all the voices so far away-
You took a languid blink.
With a breath, you pushed Judith into Maggie's arms -ensuring her safety. And with that, your knees buckled underneath you.
You fell to the ground.
You remember hearing Maggie scream, hearing the rush of footsteps -slapping along the ground. You remember hearing him then too, but something in you soured -you tried so hard to block it out. Ignore it.
"What the hell happened?"
It made your head pound again, made your brain swim. You squeezed your eyes closed like it would bring you some relief, anything-
"Y/N?" A voice offered, you recognized it to be Maggie's, "-are you awake?"
You shifted ever so slightly, eyes blinking open. The first thing you noticed was the bandage along your head, had you hit your head? Your fingers shifted to touch it-
Maggie grabbed your wrist, stopping the motion, "That'll hurt. You hit your head when you... Doctor says it might give you some headaches for a while."
You realized then, you were in a bed -distinctly not yours. You knew the woody smell anywhere, your eyes darted along the nightstands, almost to confirm -an old picture of him, Lori, and Carl. Something in you winced, and not because of your head.
"Told 'im to give us a minute," she revealed, "-I said you'd want to be in your own house, but he insisted."
The apology went unsaid.
"'S okay," you slurred a little, you weren't sure if it was from the pain or the sleep, "-not your fault, Maggie."
"Still," she echoed -something in her protective, "-I won't leave 'im alone with you, I promise."
You laughed a little, "Grimes is gonna do it anyway, we both know that. Hell, maybe I'll finally tell him."
"Because of..."
It again went unsaid, you weren't sure you could say it out loud either.
"How-" you cleared your throat, "-Do you know how long...?"
Maggie sighed -picking at the white comforter, "A few weeks at most, me and Glenn only caught onto it that long. But I don't... I don't know."
"How can I be so pissed-" you cried -tears burning the backs of your eyes, "-I don't deserve to be pissed. How would he even know?"
"Y/N, you can be pissed," she interrupted, wrapped your hands into hers, "-It's not just you. Everyone thought- You aren't delusional. He was... There was something."
"Apparently not," you retorted -bluntly.
"Don't," she frowned, getting something to wipe at your eyes, "-Don't do that to yourself, you couldn't have known better."
"I should've known better," you echoed out -sniffling, "-I'm so stupid. I told myself to n-"
The door swung open.
Rick stood there -less composed than you saw him before. You inwardly flinched at the notion of... before. His hair was a bit unruly like he'd been running his hands through it -he did that when he was worried. You knew that. His jacket (constable jacket) was tossed off, a frown creased on his lips and worry on his brow. He looked at you -unflinchingly.
"I thought I 'eard ya cryin'," he spoke, seemingly to confirm to himself, "-does it hurt? Do I need to go get some medicine? Doc said-"
"No," you interrupted -plainly, wiping at your eyes, "-I'm fine, Rick. Actually-"
You pulled yourself out from under the comforter, sitting up and scooting to the edge of the bed. It felt like you were suffocating in here -all you could smell was him, all you could see was him, all you could feel was him. It wasn't fair.
You needed some air, like now.
"-I'm gonna go home," you finished, looking to Maggie to help you get onto your feet (you were still a little dizzy).
"You can't-" he seemed to respond, in disbelief, "-You ain't supposed to be alone, right now. Doc said-"
"I'll go to Maggie's then," you offered -grabbing your shoes which were placed neatly by the bed. Something in you stung that he had thought to do that for you.
"Why?" He asked -genuine.
You wordlessly walked through the door past him -Maggie trailing you. You padded down the hallway, cursing the familiar walls -the baby toys scattered in the corner, the picture frames hung up on the wall, and the little trinkets from his time on the road.
"You'll tell me if the kids need me, yeah?" You spoke, finally -hand turning the doorknob.
"Will ya just talk to me?"
You stuttered in your step, you could feel Maggie behind you. Your heart twisting in your chest, you just wanted to go. But something in you stopped; god, you loved him so much. It wasn't fair.
"Fine," you answered -clipped, "-Maggie, give us a minute? I'll be over in a few."
She looked at you a moment, trying to see if she should leave maybe. Eyes darting over your face, reading your eyes -she seemed to be satisfied, "Okay."
You spun to Rick, taking a deep breath in through your nose.
"What do you want to talk about, Rick?"
He laughed -in disbelief, you could tell, "What do I wanna talk 'bout? Seriously? Like you don't know?"
You stared at him -wordlessly.
"Y/N," he started -stepping toward you, you almost immediately stepped back and he noticed, "-you fuckin' fainted, you're hurt. We don't even know why and now-"
"I know why," you interrupted.
He seemed to look at you in curiosity, "Why?"
"Haven't been eating," you lied with the ease of the wind.
He seemed to process that a second -concern flitting through his face before settling somewhere else, "'At's bullshit."
"How do you know-"
"You ate dinner at mine last night," he explained, "-an' ya cleaned your plate."
Shit.
"Look Rick," you mended, "-I really don't want to talk about it."
"Why?" He offered, and he stepped forward -you stepped back, "-and now you're... you're avoidin' me? What the hell happened? You were fine, yesterday-"
"Can we not get into this right now?" You interrupted again, "-My head hurts like hell, and I just want to go and rest, like I imagine I was told to do."
Rick leveled a look at you, "Why not 'ere? Why Maggie's? You're always 'round 'ere anyway-"
It slipped out before you could think about it -venomous, "And why do you think that is?"
He stuttered to a stop, "What?"
Regret spilled into your stomach, "Rick, let's not get into this. Seriously. I'm tired-"
"No, no," he echoed, "-you brought it up. What do ya mean? What are you talkin' 'bout?"
"I can't," you swallowed, tears burning the backs of your eyes, "-Rick, not now, okay?"
He looked at you surfing over your eyes, insistent, "Why are you 'round 'ere so often?"
"Rick-"
"I thought it was 'cause ya loved the kids," he listed, "-or 'cause we were friends. But you... 'Ere's another reason."
"Rick, I don't want to."
"Want to what?" He asked, something in his voice teetering, "-Tell me? Talk to me? We used to know everythin' 'bout each other, and now you're sayin'-"
Something in you snapped. You don't know if it was his tone, or the words, or the implication that you had been lying to him while he was so truthful to you-
"God, Rick," you nearly shouted, "-I'm in fucking love with you!"
Rick froze -unmoving. You couldn't even tell if he was breathing.
"Are you happy now?"
He didn't say a word.
"So, yeah. I have been lying to you," you hissed, "-if you wanted to put it that way. If you wanted to say that I'm an asshole for protecting myself, then yeah, I am."
Rick was much different in his stance now -gentle like you'd run at his first motion toward you, eyes flickering between so many things, "Y/N..."
"No," you spoke -steely, "-I'm not. We're not doing this. I already know..."
Your words trailed off, and you swallowed -pushing down the tears. You weren't going to cry now.
"I saw you with Jessie, okay?" you explained -something in your voice softer, fragile, hurt, "-So I know. It's why I fainted. I just... I wasn't expecting it."
"Y/N, I never-"
"Seriously, Rick," you nearly begged -your voice cracking, "-I know. You don't need to drag this out longer. Did you not hear me the first time?"
His mouth snapped shut, even though he looked like he had a lot to say. Words urging to be uttered from his lips. But he didn't say anything, maybe out of respect to you. You were grateful.
"I'll be back by later to see the kids," you echoed out -something in your voice hollow.
"Will ya just let me-"
"Just let me know when Judith's up, okay?" You interrupted, deflecting, "-I said I'd watch her today."
And with a final look (maybe your last ever full look at him), you walked out the door.