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Bucky huffed as he tried to arrange his half of his dorm room into a way that he didn’t hate. His roommate, Zemo, was lounging on his bed and aimlessly scrolling on his phone, not once offering to help at all. He hadn’t even needed to set up his half of the room himself, he’d apparently hired someone to do it for him. The privileges of being rich.
Bucky pushed his hair out of his face and sunk into his desk chair, giving up for the time being. None of this was helping his anxiety. He spun a little, opening his laptop to put on some Foo Fighters. His guitar sat in the corner, ignored for the time being.
“James, you should take a break,” Zemo quipped, not even looking over to see that Bucky had already sat down. Bucky rolled his eyes and flipped him off, then tucked his hair behind his ear.
After the accident, Bucky had taken a year off. Between the rehab for his arm and the PTSD and guilt, school was the last thing on his mind. Putting distance between himself and Steve was totally not at all the biggest reason. Nope.
So of course, fate decided to fuck him harshly without consent, by having Steve walk passed his room. They hadn’t spoken at all since the last time they saw each other, a week after the accident. Not for lack of trying, however; Steve had continued to call and text him. After a month or so of Bucky not answering, Steve had stopped.
“Bucky?” Steve said, almost to himself as he stopped dead. The guy Steve had been walking with stopped as well, looking between the two with confusion.
“Who the hell is Bucky?” Zemo asked, still not actually taking attention away from his phone.
Bucky rolled his eyes again and tossed a shoe at his roommate. “Fuck off, Zemo. I’ve told you like ten times.” He turned back to face Steve, Zemo waving him off. “Um, hi.”
The guy Steve was with continued looking between them. “Steve, this him?” He stepped closer to Steve and put a hand on his shoulder.
Steve seemed to shake himself out of the shock and nodded, though kept his eyes on Bucky. “Yeah, Sam. This is my ex. Buck, you didn’t tell me you were coming…”
I haven’t told you a lot of things he thought to himself. Bucky felt himself squirm a little under Steve’s gaze while simultaneously feeling incredibly jealous at exactly how close this Sam was to Steve. “Yeah, well…”
“Can we talk? Privately? Please?” Steve asked, voice on the verge of begging. Sam moved his hand from Steve’s shoulder to his bicep, ready to pull him away if needed. It made Bucky want to punch him. A lot.
“Um, I…” before Bucky could finish his sentence, Zemo stood up and walked over to the door.
“James will speak with you when he’s ready,” and slammed the door in Steve’s face.
Bucky glared at Zemo. “I didn’t ask you to do that.” He got up from his desk chair and flopped on his bed. He debated grabbing his phone to text Steve before deciding against it.
Zemo leaned back against the door, crossing his arms over his chest and bending one knee up, resting his foot on the door. “No, just your entire body language did.” He pushed himself off of the door and walked over to Bucky’s bed, pushing his feet off to make room for him to sit down. “Look, if your ex is gonna hang around like a sad puppy dog, you need to tell me what the fuck happened.”
Bucky groaned, but relented. “Fine. I told you I was in an accident that fucked up my left arm, yeah? Steve was in the car with me. We were still together at the time. We were arguing.. and no I’m not going to tell you what about. Took my eyes off the road for a second and then I had to swerve to miss hitting a fucking deer. Smashed the left side of the car into a tree.”
Zemo waited for Bucky to continue and then when he didn’t he shoved him again. “So was Tall, Blonde, and Handsome hurt? I assume so from the depth of your painstaking guilt.”
“Physically he was fine, it was just me, but…”
Zemo raised his eyebrow. “But…? Forgive me, I’m trying to see the reason behind your pushing him away.”
Bucky had been trying to work on the self loathing, really, he had. “It was my fault,” he said quietly. “I was driving, we were fighting because of me… it could’ve been so much worse. Steve had been my best friend since we were kids, and I could’ve killed him.”
Zemo nodded, taking in this information. “Okay.” He got up and walked back over to his own bed, flopping on it and resuming his position before, eyes glued to his phone.
Bucky sat up, confused. “That’s it? Okay? You’re not going to try and give me some god awful pep talk?”
“No, James. I’m no therapist, your life is your life. I just wanted to have all of the details.”
Bucky grabbed his pillow, hugging it. “And you’re not going to tell me what to do, that I should talk to him or anything?”
Zemo put his phone down and looked over. “Only if you want me to. I mean, if that’s your kink…”
Bucky groaned again, throwing his other shoe at him. “Fuck off.”
He laughed, the bastard, and went back to his phone. “I have no intention of telling you to do anything, James. Though I will say, Tall, Dark, and Handsome looked awfully close to your former beloved….”
“I hate you so much,” Bucky sighed, flopping back down again. He grabbed his phone and hovered over his texts with Steve. The most recent one, sent from Steve, was from nine months ago. “Please just talk to me” it read. His heart pounding, he typed out “okay” and hit send.
Within seconds he saw Steve typing back. Really? When, where?
Give me an hour. You can come here, my roommate won’t be here.
K. See you then.
Bucky took a deep breath. “I asked Steve to come over, in an hour.”
Zemo smirked, getting up. “I’ll make myself scarce. Don’t do anything I wouldn’t do.” He winked over at Bucky as he left the room, looking far too casual.
To keep his mind from racing, Bucky picked up his guitar. It’d become more difficult to play after the accident, his left arm scared and some dead nerves. The physical therapy had been helping him get back strength and fine motor skills though, so as long as he didn’t push himself too hard, he could play for a little bit. He missed playing guitar, an endless number of half written songs about Steve in one of his notebooks. His sister Becca tried to get him to start writing again, but every time he did what came out was the most pathetic emo lyrics. Dashboard Confessional he did not want to be.
There was a knock on his door almost exactly an hour later, and Bucky got up to let him in. It looked like it took everything Steve had to not immediately pull Bucky into a hug. He stepped back, giving room for Steve to walk in. “Your boyfriend not with you?” Bucky asked, his tone darker than he meant it.
Steve turned to him, confused. “What? Oh, Sam? He’s not my boyfriend.”
Bucky closed the door and went to sit at his desk. “Coulda fooled me.”
Steve sighed and sat down onto Bucky’s bed. “No, he just knows how I feel about you, and he…. Wait, stop. I don’t want to do this again.”
Bucky’s eyes went wide for a second before he turned his head away. “Right. Not even two seconds and I fuck things up.”
“Wh-Buck no. Look at me. I just mean I don’t want us to fight. I want us to talk. More specifically, I want you to talk. You shut me completely out and I don’t know why. Please, Bucky.”
Bucky turned his head back to look at Steve. “I didn’t want to hurt you. After what I did-”
“You didn’t do anything, Buck,” Steve interrupted. “I know you think the whole thing was your fault, but it wasn’t, I promise.”
Bucky closed his eyes. He hadn’t said any of this out loud, not even to his therapist. “But it was. We were fighting because of me, because I’m fucked up and get jealous instead of just trusting you. And then I nearly got you killed. So yeah. I pushed you away for your own good.”
His eyes were still closed but he felt the air shift as Steve got up and walked over to him. Steve knelt in front of him. “Bucky…” Steve took one of his hands in his and rested his other hand on Bucky’s cheek. “I never blamed you. Even if I had gotten hurt, it still wouldn’t have been your fault.”
Bucky leaned into the touch without even thinking, having missed Steve’s warmth.
“I love you and I never stopped. Please, Buck.”
Bucky opened his eyes to look at Steve. “I don’t forgive myself. But if I’m being honest.. I’ve missed you so much. I don’t think I ever stopped loving you either.”
Steve leaned in and brushed his lips to Bucky’s forehead. “We’ll work on that. Together?”
He nodded and let Steve pull him into an actual kiss. He wrapped his arms around Steve and kissed back, pulling him closer. Steve let the hand that was on Bucky’s cheek slide back into his hair, tugging a little. Bucky couldn’t help but moan at the feeling.
Steve pulled back just a little, just enough to break the kiss. “The hair? I fucking love it.”
Bucky laughed against Steve’s mouth. “You would,” he whispered, pressing their lips together again.