people don’t have wings, so they find their own ways to fly. ~ coach ikkei ukai

i’m as free as a bird now, & this bird you cannot change. ~ lynyrd skynyrd, free bird

one.

in which saeko thinks she won’t make any new friends this year.

the bell rings, marking the end of the school day in karasuno high school — but honestly, it’s all the same to saeko. she walks down the hall with big strides on the way to the gymnasium. everyone makes way for her as she passes, whispering behind their hands, for the simple reason that no one wants to be seen with that delinquent saeko tanaka, with her permanently untucked shirt & non-regulation haircut & skirt that’s never reached her knees in her entire school life. the only reason she hasn’t gotten expelled here is that she aces all her exams, seemingly without paying attention in class. who gives a damn, anyway? if everyone minds their own business, she’ll mind hers. only this year of school & then one more, & she’ll be off to college like god intended.

even if she only has the one friend from last year — akiteru is amazing, even if she’s too devoted to the volleyball team to hang out at the mall after school — one is plenty. she’s “too much” for everyone else, anyway. people would rather she be quiet, but honestly they can all go to hell.

aki told her about today’s practice match, the first one since the new batch of members joined the team. sure, saeko doesn’t know anything about volleyball, but she’s got the afternoon off, & moral support is moral support. so here she is, looking in from the side door of the gymnasium. she’s late, & the match is already underway.

she slurps down the last dregs of her vending machine orange juice, crushing the empty box in one hand. tossing it upwards, she hits it towards the trashcan with her other hand like she’s seen aki do before, but it falls short. 

as she picks up the box to throw away properly, she has another look at the match. coach ukai is talking with player #10, who’s being switched out. even from here, saeko can feel the pitch-black intensity radiating off her in waves.

as she approaches, saeko notices she’s tall, but quite a bit shorter than akiteru, with dark, curly hair that ends just above her shoulders, held back by a metal headband. she storms past saeko out into the hallway, with a flurry of curses under her breath, rolling clouds practically visible over her head. she walks right to the metal cabinet opposite the hall, & to saeko’s shock, slams her head right into it. as it vibrates, a bucket falls & bounces off her head with a dull thump, then hits the floor.

she whips round, & there’s something in her gaze, in those thunderous grey eyes. it rips right through saeko’s guts, quick & savage like a hurricane leaving nothing but dust in its wake. saeko’s gut twitches. she needs a moment to take everything in ( breathe - breathe - no, stop staring, dammit!) . 

then there’s akiteru following her, taking her to the bathroom to get patched up. aki’s not a regular, so they can probably spare her at the moment. 

they enter through the front entrance a few minutes later, & saeko realises she’s still holding on to her crushed juice box. she holds her hand over the trashcan, & drops it in neatly. she’s not quite sure what to do with herself, so she keeps watching the match.

after the match, which karasuno loses by a close margin, the players file out of the hall in twos & threes. saeko takes a deep breath, about to look for aki, but realises her friend is right beside her, along with player #10.

“hi. tanaka, right?” #10’s voice is low, with a slight rasp to it. 

like an old record, saeko thinks. “oh. hi.” she gulps. & stupidly, immediately: “aki, you never told me you had cool friends.”

“very funny, sae-chan. glad you could make it!” akiteru pats the dark-haired girl on the shoulder. “this is tenma. she actually sits across you in class, you know.”

saeko slaps her forehead. she never pays much attention to the gossip that goes round, but she’s certainly heard other girls talking about a volleyball player who wears a binder under her uniform & the boys’ team jersey for practice matches, who answers to tenma-kun (even the rumours that say she kissed a teammate once, but that’s never actually been proven). “right! you’re udai. the - whatchamacallit…” she snaps her fingers in an effort to remember the name of the position. “… the ace, right?”

“wing spiker, first & foremost. i’m still getting used to the whole ace thing.” tenma tilts her head sideways, with a little lopsided smile. “sorry about just now. i guess i look really different on & off court.”

saeko licks her lips, which have gone very dry. she’s not used to introducing herself nicely like this. so much for not making any friends this year, & now she’s face-to-face with the ace of the volleyball team. she makes a mental note to hang around the gymnasium more often. “cool. i’m saeko tanaka.”

the next day at lunchtime, tenma sits at her desk with her earphones in, quietly eating a sandwich from the convenience store. her desk is diagonally in front of saeko’s. everyone else has brought their own lunch, the smell of home-cooked food & the sounds of conversation filling the air.

saeko walks over, tilts her head in a what’re-you-listening-to way, & tenma hands her one of the earphones. saeko squeezes next to her on the chair & listens. she’d know that wailing, rapid-fire guitar solo anywhere.

“whee-eew. free bird, huh?” she puts her arm around tenma’s shoulder. she’s never been particularly into lynyrd skynyrd (but oh, she really likes this girl now).

“hey, a classic’s a classic.” it’s like they’ve known each other for years already, the way tenma leans into her gently, & saeko’s heart skips a beat. she has the sudden urge to run her hand through tenma’s fluffy hair.

when she turns, she sees akiteru watching them from her desk, with a grin that can only be described as shit-eating. she nods wisely, & waves her spoon in clear approval as she mouths, i can’t believe i didn’t even have to set you guys up.

saeko shakes her head, trying not to laugh so she doesn’t disturb tenma. girl, come on!

of course, aki has oh-so-conveniently turned back to her food, still watching them from the corner of her eye.

saeko shakes her head, & keeps tapping her feet to the beat, twirling imaginary drumsticks in her hands. it’s not the worst thing aki could’ve done, anyway. tenma is warm, & she smells like tea tree oil — & honest to god, what’s wrong with having a moment with a new friend?

still, it’s undeniably amazing how easily they fit into each other’s lives over the next few weeks, even months. it goes from hey, i didn’t catch the notes just now, can i copy yours? to oh you’re heading to the library? me too! soon enough, it’s we’ve got a long day, i got us breakfast, & it’s a bag of red bean pancakes from the school store that saeko would kill a man for. akiteru joins them, all of them quietly eating in the corridor before class starts.

there’s a joke going round the class about how the three of them should be a band— since saeko is practically a pro drummer ( taiko player surely counts for something) & tenma can do a bit of electric guitar, akiteru should be their lead vocalist, or at least shake a tambourine on stage. they even name their group chat nirvana , after saeko’s favourite trio. but the whole thing stays as it is: a joke. volleyball takes up most of akiteru & tenma’s time — & for better or for worse, so does class. 

“tanaka, can you answer question 3b) for us?” 

it’s a warm afternoon in june, right on the brink of summer, & saeko’s staring out the window at the cawing crows perching on a tree outside. jerked back to the moment, she fights the urge to say your mom! (she’s already seen the principal twice this month), & looks up at the whiteboard for possible answers. “uh…” 

tenma whispers next to her. “the fragility of human life.”

saeko sighs in relief. “ah. the fragility of human life.” she repeats confidently, because she’s totally known it this whole time. 

“not quite what i’m looking for, tanaka. that’s a gross extrapolation of the author’s intent.” the teacher shakes his head. tenma shrugs apologetically, with puppy eyes that say sorry, tanaka, & saeko bites back a grin. “you can’t trust udai all the time, you know.” 

he starts lecturing everyone on paying attention. scattered giggles resound around the class. tenma & saeko shrug at each other, & laugh along. 

tenma’s assigned to read the rest of the literature passage as punishment. she gets up with a scrape of her chair, & saeko’s inexplicably drawn to the rise & fall of her husky voice. she stumbles on her words, mispronounces a few here & there, but ultimately makes it through the whole thing in one piece.

hey, we should seriously start that band. & she should do lead vocals , saeko thinks. with that voice, tenma would make an amazing frontwoman, the focal point of everyone’s adoration — but she’s too outwardly unassuming for that. besides, she’s already the shining star of another team.

turning to the window again, saeko watches the crows fly away one by one, turning into dots of ink against the bright blue sky.

two.

in which saeko thinks tenma is only into volleyball.

pretty much everything saeko knows about volleyball is from watching the team run circles round the hall, going through drill after drill with that old man coach ukai. they’re at it twice a day, five days a week — discipline & commitment which she doesn’t have, & can’t help but admire. she comes to see them practice whenever she doesn’t have to pick ryuu up from the neighbouring middle school.

tenma’s abilities have been improving since the beginning of the year, in tandem with the rest of the team. aki thinks karasuno is at its best in years. 

saeko still can’t believe that tenma looks so thin in her school uniform, buried under the layers of her blazer & skirt. in fact, she’s still small even when she’s in her black & orange volleyball uniform — but on the court itself, she’s all lean, tightly wound muscle (a hell of a sleeper build, as aki once put it). she’s the smallest on the team, but calls for tosses like she’s seven feet tall, jumps with all the explosive power of a rocket, & then some.

the run-up to her spike is always saeko’s favourite part. tenma doesn’t make it look effortless. rather, it’s the instinctive effort that has all saeko’s admiration. she’s seen it so often, she can replay it back & forth in her head in slow motion. tenma’s arms stretched behind her, her calf muscles straining as she crosses the court. the dull thunk of her feet on the ground, then her perfect form in the air, as she aims one arm straight upwards, swinging the other — & wham, any ball is a homing missile in the palm of her hand. she has her ups & downs during practice, but no one can argue with her position as the ace of the team.

saeko sits next to tenma on the grass outside during today’s extended breaktime. it’s a cool fall afternoon, with the spring high preliminaries fast approaching. 

“how did you make it?” she moves her arm, pretending she’s spiking the ball towards the sun.

“what’s that?”

“you’re the ace, but you’re not the tallest…” she realises how stupid she sounds, given that she’s even shorter than tenma. “never mind. forget i asked.”

tenma pauses, parsing the information. “being the ace isn’t about height. it’s about being the one the team counts on to score.” she raises & flicks her wrist sharply like she’s doing a feint over a triple block. “sometimes you have to accept your weakness. but know what you’re good at, & be creative about it. find your own way to make things work.”

saeko nods in understanding, shaking back her honey-blonde hair. she’s seen tenma spiking the ball in between blockers’ arms, or deflecting the ball off their open palms, diverting the ball to sharp angles at the very last second. 

“here, let me do something.” tenma motions for saeko to roll up her left sleeve. she casually pats the space on the grass between her legs. saeko sits, leans back against tenma’s shoulder. it’s warm & comfy there, but so strangely intimate.

“what’s wrong, saeko? you look jumpy.” tenma takes a black marker out of her pocket, uncapping it deftly. saeko realises she’s been bouncing her leg the whole time.

“nothing.” saeko can feel the vibrations of tenma’s laughter in her ribs, in her blood. it’s like the cawing of a crow, but not unpleasant at all. she hopes tenma can’t sense her stomach doing a backflip. 

she watches as tenma starts drawing smoothly on her outstretched hand. the ink is cooling. forming shapes: a volleyball, & the silhouette of a flying crow. “huh. i thought you only had volleyball in that little head of yours.” 

“gee, thanks.” tenma sticks her tongue out in concentration, as she adds more details down saeko’s arm. stars, suns, music notes. “my parents think it’s a waste of time, so it’s more like a secret hobby.”

“how long have you been doing it for?”

“been doodling since i was a kid. still can’t afford a tablet, so i do a lot of traditional work.” tenma draws some feathers, left behind by the crow. she taps her pen on saeko’s ring finger, thinking of some design or other. “i’m working on this manga idea i had, actually. it’s about this girl who fights zombies.”

“cool, i’d read the hell out of that.” saeko gulps. her hand trembles a bit. “i really like, uh… zombies.”

“udai-san! break time’s over!” the first-years jump up & down at the entrance of the gym, giggling behind their hands.

“uh-oh, coach’s calling. gotta run.” tenma looks up, & something flashes in her eyes like embarrassment, almost apologetic. she draws a quick star shape on saeko’s ring finger instead of whatever she might have been intending, & caps her pen with a click . saeko watches her trot back into the gym. talking with the rest of the team like nothing happened. & nothing did, nothing at all!

later in the evening, she goes to sakanoshita market with akiteru to ransack the limited stock of meat buns. tenma’s gone back early to catch the bus. they eat outside the store, sitting on the steps. akiteru glances at saeko’s arm, then grabs it to take a closer look. she smirks when she sees the stars & heart shapes. “oh my god . that’s a crush if i’ve ever seen one.”

“grow up, aki.” heat rushes to saeko’s cheeks, & she pushes the taller girl in the shoulder. “she was showing me her doodles. we’re just friends & you know it.”

“i don’t know about that. i’ve seen her drawing in class, but she sure never did anything like that for me.” aki cackles, traces the outlines of the crow & the volleyball with her finger. “i’ll have to ask her about it later.”

“yeah, yeah, whatever. she’s married to the damn volleyball already. & so are you, idiot!”

aki gets up & runs down the hill, waving her half-eaten meat bun. saeko chases after her, screeching about how friends are allowed to sit together.

she takes a picture of her arm when she gets home. & that night in the shower, she feels a certain sadness fill her as the ink runs down the drain. where is tenma udai leading her next? 

three.

in which saeko thinks karasuno will win the nationals.

“... & karasuno’s #10 spikes — & scores! incredible footwork, incredible power right there. inarizaki’s turning up the heat, but the underdogs could actually take this final set!”

“well, there’s the tiny giant for you — springing up & down against the tallest of ‘em! with five points in a row in the last set, she’s the player to watch this season.”

“yesssss! let’s fucking go! ” saeko cups her hands around her mouth, yelling as tenma lands on the court on both feet, the rest of the team rushing to high-five her. the stadium erupts into whistles & cheers. no one can believe that after all this time, karasuno’s made it past the qualifiers to nationals for the first time, against all odds, they’ve steadily battled their way up to the finals, facing off against longtime finalists, inarizaki high school. so far, they’ve took the second & fourth set, made it all the way to the fifth. 

(a group of crows is called a murder , & by god karasuno’s out for blood.)

the referee blows the whistle for a timeout, & she watches the team gather around the bench, listening to coach ukai. tenma looks up at saeko for reassurance, bandaging her fingers up. her eyes are focused. saeko adjusts her black headband, raises her crow plush in encouragement.

yet as the teams file onto the court again, the air in the spectator stands is so tense, a single breath might break it. saeko clings to the bars of the spectator area so hard, her knuckles turn white. the eyes of the entire stadium are on karasuno, the underdogs. everyone back in miyagi must be sitting at their tv, cheering for this previously unknown team.

as much as saeko knows that no matter what happens now, no one will begrudge karasuno anything — she knows in her heart that they’ll win. they have to.

they trade points back & forth, until it’s inarizaki’s match point. both teams are sweating & panting. karasuno especially can’t catch a break — inarizaki’s well & truly got their number. saeko can see tenma’s frame heaving up & down with each breath, bent over with her hands on her thighs.

saeko sees it before she can put a name to it: a surprise chance ball for karasuno, flying over the net towards the back.

“bring it!” tenma near-screeches for the toss as she crosses the court, & saeko swears her voice reaches the rafters of the stadium in this silence. even the commentators are speechless.

saeko’s heart jumps into her throat. inarizaki’s in full defence formation, & they’ve put up a nasty-looking triple block.

when tenma’s feet hit the ground, saeko can practically see the wings outlining her arms .

the setter’s right on point: the ball reaches tenma at her zenith. she curves her wrist in a familiar motion, & slams the ball clean through the gaps between the blockers’ arms. saeko’s seen it in the practice matches. this spike is absolutely unbeatable when it lines up correctly — a game-changer if she’s ever seen one.

tenma realises all too late that they’ve all been baited into this trap. inarizaki’s libero is waiting out of sight behind the block, flawlessly connecting the ball to the setter. one more spike, right on the line — the whistle sounds sharply, once, twice. & just like that, it’s over. 

the commentators say something about inarizaki’s winning statistics, but saeko isn’t listening. the inarizaki contingent plays a triumphant chorus on their instruments, the cheerleaders waving their pompoms as the players celebrate on the court. those foxes & their damn marching band.

tenma slams the ground with her fists, her legs shaking with exhaustion. she’s laid flat on her face, but a teammate helps her up to shake the inarizaki player’s hands.

the next players are coming in to the hall to warm up. the karasuno team lines up & bows in the direction of the stands. “thank you for your support!” saeko can hear tenma’s hoarse voice amidst the chorus. when tenma straightens herself, she bravely keeps her head high, but the tears on her eyelashes still glitter like diamonds in the glaring lights of the stadium.

later outside the gymnasium, saeko walks alongside the team on the way back to the bus. they’re all talking, sounding happy enough to the average listener, but there’s a tinge of regret in the air. saeko read somewhere that silver medallists are the unhappiest, & it seems to be true now. 

tenma is hugging the huge crow plushie that saeko gave her for luck before the match. the ribbon of her medal hangs out the pocket of her backpack. “sae-chan,” she says, her voice cracking. she looks back at her calloused hands, then at the stadium behind them. her wrist is still twitching in an approximation of her last spike, still imagining the million ways the match could’ve gone. “we could’ve done it. if i’d…”

“no. don’t say that. this is karasuno’s first time at nationals, & i know every single one of you tried your best out there. it’s -” saeko swallows the lump in her throat. “i’m so proud of you guys. for everything.”

tenma stays silent, hugs the plushie tighter. saeko can’t find any more words to say, so they walk on in silence.

“...what’re you doing for dinner?” saeko asks, before tenma goes up the steps into the bus.

“oh. coach’s booked a restaurant back home. team dinner’s on him.” tenma looks down, her shoulders slumping. “i guess we really need it. muscle fibres tear, you need to eat to build them up again.” she does a gruff imitation of coach ukai’s voice, which makes her teammates in earshot laugh.

saeko wishes she could sit next to tenma on the team bus, follow her home. but it’s only for the players, & she’s got a train to catch. “i’ll see you back home,” saeko murmurs in tenma’s ear, & runs to the station.

on the way back home, aki sends her a photo of tenma sleeping on the crow plushie. she’s so cute. saeko reacts with a little heart emoji.

at the end of it all, it’s so surreal how tenma still has to come to school the next day like nothing happened. a few people congratulate her in class & the corridors. on the whole, she’s quiet enough that no one recognises her as the ace. she’s brought her own lunchbox today, fried noodles with a side of pork curry & sliced watermelons, which she shares with saeko. 

“coach gave us the day off,” tenma says, in between bites of watermelon. 

“so you’re going home to take a nap, right?” saeko eyes her sideways. “right?”

“are you crazy? we’re going back to practice!” tenma looks towards the hall in the distance. she wipes her mouth with the back of her hand. “they’re probably already waiting for me there. i’ve got things i need to work on, too.”

saeko walks tenma to the gymnasium in silence, & doesn’t say anything until tenma’s changed & about to start warming up. “are you sure you’re okay?”

“not now, sae-chan. but i will be, promise.” tenma reaches out for both saeko’s hands, squeezing gently. the sky reflects in the dark grey of her eyes, turning them strangely kaleidoscopic — a silver shot through with light, rarer than any gold. “life goes on, hey?”

“yeah.” saeko squeezes back. she’s not sure what exactly tenma’s trying to say, but she has a feeling it’s not just about volleyball. “i guess it does.”

four.

in which saeko thinks tenma will get into professional volleyball.

“time’s up! put down your pens. place your test paper on the right-hand side of your desk. the invigilators will begin collecting the papers now.”

saeko is totally unfazed by the announcement, & furiously scribbles the last few sentences of her essay before the invigilator has to snatch the paper from her. she yawns, stretches her arms behind her head. that history paper was certainly… a paper , but at least she remembers some from the past-year questions akiteru forced her & tenma to do last week.

when everyone’s dismissed, saeko waits for the crowd to clear before she beckons to akiteru, & trots up to tenma on the other side of the hall. “how’d you guys find the paper?”

“i mean, it was on my table,” aki quips.

“thank fuck we did that practice sheet.” tenma grins, shrugs her blazer off, hanging it on her arm. she’s grown her hair out after the interhigh, keeps it in a claw clip now. “you’re a lifesaver, aki. if they can read my writing, i’ll be fine.”

“so… any news from the volleyball world?” saeko asks.

tenma walks out of the hall, into the glaring sunlight. she puts a hand up to shield her eyes. “nothing yet.”

“ugh, the disrespect! you’re so good. i’m sure it’s only a matter of time before a big team reaches out.” akiteru reassures her.

“aki, you of all people should know it’s not about me.” tenma shrugs. “we lost in the first round this time. there are so many new players in the prefecture, the country, even. i’m literally yesterday’s news.”

“good on you for still going in final year, though! plenty of great players around here never even made it to nationals, & they still go pro.” saeko still thinks its a waste that tenma doesn’t do this for a living. she’d always thought tenma should make it to the big leagues, maybe even go overseas.

“look, you guys know all this already.” tenma shakes her hair out of its clip & fastens it to the strap of her bag. she stretches her legs out, bounces on her heels. “volleyball’s really important to me, but i’m not gonna lie, i’ve got other things going too.”

“doesn’t matter to my parents, anyway. there are only five things i can be…” she continues with a self-mocking smile, counts on her fingers for comedic effect. “... doctor, lawyer, engineer, accountant or family disappointment. which i already am, so…”

“oof, felt,” aki claps tenma on the shoulder, clutching her heart in mock pain. “i’ve got to be a good example for my little sis. dammit, kei. why’d you have to do me like this?”

saeko nods in agreement. though she wouldn’t trade ryuu for the world, being a big sister is really no joke.

“only child here, can’t relate.” tenma points at herself. with her hair fluffed up around her, she looks like a little bird in its nest. “for real, though? i’m gunning for geidai . i’ll make great connections if i can get in… i’ll need a hell of a scholarship, though.”

“tenma udai, in tokyo university of the arts!” saeko lets out a loud whistle, impressed. people turn to her in annoyance, but she ignores them. “ shit , & here’s me working for freakin’ karasuno cafeteria.”

“hey, don’t sell yourself short. i’ll need a fuckton of coffee to make the entrance exam.”  tenma sighs. sendai’s a first-rate city, but they both know it’s time she spread her wings to greater heights. “i’m like, a year too late for this. everyone else at the entrance exams will have been at cram school while i’ve been doing volleyball, you know…”

graduation season flies by in a flurry of photo sessions & group dinners. in the midst of it all, saeko applies to a few local colleges for business courses. she gets accepted to the nearest one quickly. term starts in april. she’s employee of the month at karasuno cafeteria, & drives tenma to the train station in the cafeteria van for the university entrance exam. aki pops in & out to support her, sometimes with thirteen-year-old kei, both of them eating their weight in strawberry shortcake. 

tenma usually sits in the corner, drinking black coffee & tapping away at missing keys of her battered laptop. even tonight, a few weeks after the entrance exam, she’s still adding to her art history notes, muttering to herself about not wanting to be left behind once term starts at any of the art schools she’s applied for.

it’s the tail end of a slow day, & saeko is just about ready to lock up & go home. she won’t chase tenma out so soon, so she flips through the stack of sketchbooks at the other end of the table out of curiosity. there’s pages & pages of anatomy practice, pencil sketches of human figures in various positions & angles. reference pages that look more like collages — grainy film images of crows framed with pressed black feathers, lines & squiggles where tenma tested out her markers & pens. then the illustrations themselves, flocks of crows flying across the pages. some rendered in lifelike detail, some formed from strokes of black ink & paint, some folded out of paper & silver wire. saeko takes a good, long look at each one before turning the page. 

there’s fluid approximations of a post-apocalyptic city, old ruins of apartment blocks & skyscrapers shrouded in darkness. & on the opposite page…

“hang on. is that me?” she points at a series of sketches of a girl with short honey-blonde hair in a few styles, & lots of piercings. the character is wearing a few variants of black leather jackets & combat boots. it looks like studies, or a reference sheet.

tenma gasps, scrambling to take the book back. “gah — you weren’t supposed to see those!”

“oh. oops, sorry.” saeko closes the book, & hands it back to tenma.

“she’s the main character of the zombie manga... buuuut if anyone asks, she’s heavily inspired by someone i knew in high school.” tenma smiles wryly, turns back to her laptop. “the rest is basically the stuff of my nightmares.”

“she’s so cool, what? hell, i need to start dressing like that!”

tenma doesn’t respond immediately, definitely focusing on her work again. saeko is about to suggest they both leave, when tenma lets out a gasp of surprise, like a crow cawing. “i got in!” 

“you got… where?” saeko yawns, spinning her keys around her finger. she’s not entirely paying attention. she’s about to suggest they both go home, when tenma spins her laptop around. saeko squints at the title of the website she’s on: TOKYO UNIVERSITY OF THE ARTS: STUDENTS ACCEPTED TO THE FACULTY OF FINE ARTS. “that’s me! that’s my exam index number - no, wait. i can’t be too happy yet.” 

she opens her emails. “oh. oh!  i got the miyagi prefectural scholarship, too! they appreciate my…” she reads out loud. “... volleyball skills & representation of the prefecture at the nationals…”

“right on, city girl!” saeko boops tenma’s nose. “was there ever a doubt?”

tenma looks like karasuno won the spring tournament. she closes her laptop with a final click, & jumps out of her seat to do a little happy dance round the cafeteria to some tune in her head, weaving in & out between the tables.

“c’mon, i’ll give you a ride home.” saeko throws her keys in the air, catching them again in mid-air. “we’ll take the scenic route.”

“it’s all good. you don’t need to go out of your way.” tenma shakes her head, picking up her backpack. “i can get to the station myself.”

“nah, you’re not going back alone this late.” saeko gives her an encouraging nod. after a moment of hesitation, tenma follows her outside to the bike, puts on the spare helmet saeko keeps under the seat.

sendai’s certainly no tokyo, but it’ll do just fine tonight. saeko blasts their shared playlist on the bike stereo on the way home, definitely too loud for this town. another day, another twenty-four hours of saeko wishing her best friend could read her mind. but tonight, they celebrate the fact that despite it all, tenma is one step closer to her dreams. 

maybe things will always be the same between them. maybe everything will change, once tenma’s up in tokyo. maybe she shouldn’t be thinking about it at all. even now, the flashing warning signs on this road each have something to tell her.

speed limit 100 km/hour. one way only. slow down. caution: slippery road. no vehicle crossing. no u-turn. lane ends ahead. stop. yes, stop at the line. DO NOT FALL IN LOVE WITH YOUR BEST FRIEND.

saeko pulls down the visor of her helmet, & resolutely speeds past them all. it’s two in the morning, she’s conveniently forgotten how to read, & damn, if the reflection of the changing traffic lights in tenma’s eyes doesn’t belong in the louvre.

under tenma’s guidance, saeko exits the highway. the streetlights are spaced farther & farther apart as they approach the edge of the city, shadows chasing them down the road. after a few turns down smaller alleys, she pulls up outside tenma’s apartment block with a screech. 

it’s dark & humid here, the air heavy with mist. yellow lights flicker on & off in the dilapidated building. a few crows caw on the crackling power lines above them, shaking their feathers onto the wet ground. a rat scampers towards a deep puddle, then fully swims through it, chittering softly. the night wind blows shrilly past saeko’s ears, carrying the sound of a couple arguing on the ground floor. this place doesn’t feel like part of the city — hell, the country, even. it could easily be some liminal space straight out of a video game, or a manga.

a manga…

saeko looks round slowly, gathering her thoughts & memories into a focused whole. if she squints, she can see tenma’s light pencil lines overlaying each battered structure around them, the cross-hatching in every window. the little circles over the lights of the city centre they’ve left behind, all represented in the sketchbook pages from earlier.

“which one’s yours?” saeko asks, but it’s nearly eclipsed when the volume of the argument from earlier suddenly escalates, too loud to ignore — the couple is arguing about their useless daughter. someone throws something. a glass, maybe. it smashes against the wall. then silence, as heavy as the night itself.

tenma winces, flinches instinctively as she gets off the bike. she doesn’t need to say anything, doesn’t need to. the cafeteria lighting’s always been kind to her, as has the gymnasium & even the sun for all these years. but in the direct glare of the these stark white headlights, saeko can see it all. the yellowed, fading bruise at the angle of tenma’s jaw, the transparent plaster below her collarbones, barely covering the small cuts underneath.

it’s the stuff of my nightmares…

saeko swallows the lump in her throat. suddenly it all makes sense why tenma needs a scholarship to begin with. why she’s never owned a drawing tablet. why she only orders black coffee at the cafeteria. why she spent all her time at volleyball after school, never invited anyone to her house. everything she does is a way for her to escape, in body or spirit.

she reaches out quickly, grabs tenma’s wrist. “you don’t have to go back tonight, you know. you can stay at my place, come back when it’s safe.”

“thanks, saeko. but uh… i really need to check in before they kill each other.” tenma shakes saeko’s hand off, more roughly than she usually would. she stuffs her sketchbooks deeper into her bag. she takes off the pens she’s clipped to her hoodie pocket & she drops them into the bag too, zipping it securely. she bounces on her heels, looks for all the world like she’s about to say something more, but quickly turns & runs back into the building instead.

saeko watches tenma’s silhouette fade into the shadows, & takes a minute to breathe. a pang of guilt hits her in the gut, for all her wanting tenma to stay in miyagi. fly high, free bird .

five.

in which saeko thinks she won’t be on tenma’s mind any more.

saeko & akiteru offer to help tenma move a few days before the term officially begins, but they’re politely turned down; tenma really only has a suitcase & a dream up there. besides, there isn’t much space to keep things in her dorm. she wants to leave the bulk of her old life behind.

so they wave her off at the station, telling her to drink more water & study hard, like how her parents might’ve done. aki cries a bit, & saeko hugs her behind the gates after the train comes & goes. this is tenma udai they’re talking about! how could she ever forget them?

as promised, tenma texts the group chat often. she sends pictures of her dorm room, her lunch, her latest projects, the sights around tokyo (aki begs to see the skytree, & tenma obliges with a video). in return, saeko sends little reminders to tenma like she always has.

eat healthy food. take your binder off before you sleep. get some fresh air. 

tenma replies with an emoji, sometimes reacts, but eventually she leaves saeko on read —& aki gets ignored, too. she doesn’t return calls, never comes home either, & saeko can’t find the time off to go up to tokyo. she’s practically running the criminally understaffed cafeteria, & she’s constantly rushed off her feet.  it doesn’t help that she has to do all the cooking & cleaning at home too.

it’s a year before anything happens, & when it does, it’s a flood. 

it all starts around the time ryuu gets the first & second-years on the team to study at their house. they set up a table downstairs, with stacks of test papers, snacks & drinks. saeko hears that some members of the team (the shrimp hinata & the blue-eyed kageyama) aren’t doing so well in exams, but at least they’re making an effort now. she remembers all her last-minute study sessions with aki & tenma, & chuckles as she walks out the door to go to work.

“sis! you have to help us out here!” so ryuu’s still at it, huh? that girl’s been begging saeko to take two of the brats to tokyo after their replacement exam on saturday, because they won’t make the team bus in time. she’s given saeko shoulder massages, talked about taiko & the skytree, offered to buy saeko pudding (with whose money? saeko is quick to remind). “you’re our only hope!”

“c’mon, ryuu. you going to pay me for it, or what?” she opens the door to leave. “even if you did that, i don’t have the time. i told you, i’m not wasting my one free weekend on a six-hour drive there & back -”

“please help us out! please, send them to tokyo. i know i’m not the best sister, but i wanted to do something cool for them as their senior.” ryuu abruptly kneels, bows her head until it’s touching the floor. “they’ve got the biggest potential on the team. they’ve changed everything for us, i’m not even kidding.”

saeko jumps back in shock. ryuu may not have two brain cells to rub together, but she still wouldn’t do that for just anyone.

“hey, hey. don’t do all that,” saeko says gruffly, putting her hand on ryuu’s shoulder. “save it for a time you’ll need it. your juniors sure must be something, huh.”

ryuu looks up, teary-eyed. “wha -”

“i, saeko tanaka, will send your juniors to tokyo,” saeko points at herself, announces grandly.

“no - no - really?”

“yeah! what are big sisters for? i’m your saviour & you’d better not forget it, you little punk!” she affectionately ruffles ryuu’s hair, & even lets herself get tackled to the ground in a hug.

the next afternoon, saeko pulls up outside the school in the karasuno cafeteria car, waiting for the supplementary exams to end. she sends a text to tenma in the parking lot. 

> i’m coming up 2 tokyo

> u free to meet up?

she tucks her phone back into her pocket, & revs the car engine. she’s not particularly optimistic, given that she’s been put on read for months, but it’s worth a try at least.

when the exams end, she drives the two kids down the winding road out of miyagi, stepping hard on the gas like she’s used to. the tangerine shrimp is riding shotgun, & is practically bouncing up & down in excitement.

saeko chuckles. “so, what got you into volleyball, shouyou?”

“when i was in elementary school, i saw the spring tournament nationals on tv.” hinata’s eyes light up, & she mimes a spike. “karasuno was playing.  i saw-”

“you saw the tiny giant?” saeko finishes, instinctively. who else could it be?

“whoa! you know the tiny giant?” 

saeko’s left forearm tingles with the memory of trailing ink, of all her days outside the school gymnasium in the sun. of that run-down residential area right out of a zombie apocalypse.

“actually, i went to school with her…” she starts. “so i know her personally. i first saw her at a practice match. maybe she wasn’t feeling too good that day, but she got switched out…”

she tells hinata about that first day, about her first good look at tenma. i fell for her right there, she almost says, but doesn’t. 

hinata’s eyes grow wider & wider, shine brighter until they’re practically two stars on her face. “whoa! what’s she doing now? i bet she’s playing for some mega-league, oh my god. can i meet her?” she lets out a rapid-fire burst of questions, waving her arms animatedly.

the words i don’t know ache dully in saeko’s chest at each question, & she mentally slaps herself across the face. she’s a strong woman with a job & a family to care for, not some lovesick junior high girl. besides, it’s not like she has no other friends in the whole world besides tenma. “she’s…”

before she can say any more, she’s saved by kageyama waking up at the back. “you sure do know a lot about the tiny giant, big sis.”

“so you were awake the whole time, huh?” saeko rolls her eyes, & steps on the gas. “you brats, i tell you…”

once she drops kageyama & hinata off at the tokyo gymnasium, she checks her phone. among the stacks of notifications she has, her eyes are drawn to one with a little crow emoji. she swears she’s never opened her messages app so fast.

> hey sae-chan! sorry for not replying for so long. i’m fine here. 

> you don’t need to meet me, i’m sure you’re really busy.

> i saw these & thought of you ☺️ 

tenma’s sent her a photo of her old sketchbook page, covered in drawings of album covers. saeko picks out their favourites: dark side of the moon, axis: bold as love, in utero. then in the background, she notices the state of the place. the markers & canvases strewn around the floor. the crusted takeaway boxes & huge pile of unwashed laundry on the bed. she can almost smell the room through the screen.

even through this slightly blurred photo, saeko can tell that tenma isn’t fine at all. a quick google map check tells her it’s half an hour to tokyo university of the arts. 

her older sister instinct kicking in, she makes it to the dorms in ten minutes flat, runs up to tenma’s block & knocks. 

after about a minute of muffled thumps & muttering from inside, the door finally opens. for a moment, saeko’s scared she’s gotten the wrong room, confused after her long journey. she’s right about to apologise, duck out of the doorway, but something tells her she’s completely correct here.

she pays attention for a few more seconds. the instrumentals of shine on you crazy diamond in the background don’t lie, but it’s still the biggest damn double take she’s ever done in her life. 

tenma’s all tangled hair & thin limbs under her crumpled black t-shirt (saeko’s seen it before, & it definitely wasn’t oversized the last time), an energy drink can in her trembling hand. the city has really sucked the life out of her, & it’s most obvious in her sunken dark grey eyes. soulless isn’t quite the word, but she looks like she’s seen the abyss & is barely hanging on to tell the tale. 

she blinks a few times before speaking, her voice dull. “hi, sae-chan.” her shoulders slump further than they already have. she obviously hasn’t had a shower or cut her nails in a long time. in fact, she might well be one of her own zombie illustrations. “i thought i told you not to come over.”

“hi to you too, tenma.” saeko puts her hands on her hips indignantly, trying to ignore the smell of stale food & turpentine. “‘i’m fine’, my ass. you’re crazy if you think it’s that easy to get rid of me.”

“life’s been… crazy as is.” tenma mumbles, pinches the bridge of her nose. she beckons for saeko to enter the room. “sorry i didn’t call you back, i just got the energy to reply messages today. i haven’t cleaned up either, so you can… i don’t know, sorry for the mess too, i guess…”

they sit down together on the floor, amongst a mass of papers & printed photos covering every conceivable free space. there’s jars of paintbrushes & markers stacked on top of old art history textbooks on the desk. tenma sits down on a folded blanket beside the bed. saeko sits down next to her, realising this must be where she sleeps.

“i… i don’t get it. i really thought if i worked hard enough here, i’d make things happen.” tenma downs the last of her energy drink. she tries to crush it, but doesn’t have the strength, & puts it down instead.

saeko once saw a crow with broken wings, laying on the road after getting hit by a car. slowly bleeding out, almost in slow motion. that’s what she thinks of when tenma starts crying, blowing her nose on the edge of her shirt. “i should be stronger than this. if i don’t get the target grades, they’ll take my scholarship back. i have to watch my back like it’s nationals every day.” she hugs her knees, rocks back & forth. “i’ve been doing the wrong thing this whole time. oh, god. maybe my mom was right about me wasting my life.”

“hey, no.” saeko hugs tenma, rubs her back. it breaks her heart that she can feel tenma’s ribs so clearly. “nothing you’ve ever done is a waste of time. you learned so many things through volleyball, didn’t you? you’re the most creative person i know, & you can think on your feet, & -”

tenma pulls away, looks at her scornfully. “you have no idea what it’s like here.”

“you’re right. i don’t know art school.” saeko takes a deep breath, raises her hand to cup tenma’s cheek. she brushes tenma’s tears away with her thumb, as gently as she can. “but i know you, & i know how you work. when was the last time you ate a proper meal? or had a good sleep?”

tenma’s gaze drops to the floor, & saeko shakes her head. “okay, that’s it. i’m going to get you clean & fed if it’s the last thing i do.”

“yeah, like that’ll do shit for me -”

“i mean, it won’t solve all your problems at once. but it should make your head clear enough to manage them, alright?”

she expects the reply to be something like i’m an artist! you can pry my work from my cold, dead hands! but tenma only rubs her eyes & nods. she’s clearly too tired to resist. “thanks, sae-chan. you’re way too cool for me.”

while tenma is in the shower down the hall, saeko opens the curtains to let the light in. she goes to the cafeteria in the next block & buys tenma a proper packed lunch, with as much meat & vegetables she can fit in the box. 

tenma comes back in a clean shirt & shorts, her hair fluffed up from the hairdryer, & eats like she hasn’t had anything in a fortnight. she doesn’t talk at all, just shovels spoonfuls of rice down & lets saeko fill her in on everything that’s going on back in miyagi, up until this morning.

“so there’s this kid called hinata, right. & she’s built her whole volleyball life from the time she saw you on tv. she wants to be the little giant, i’m not even kidding.”

“shit, really?” tenma drops her spoon abruptly, then picks it up again. “huh, looks like i’ve created a monster. i kinda like that.”

“mhm. you’d better say hi when you get the chance.”

“nah. she’d totally hate me.” tenma gestures to the messy room, putting her empty lunchbox down. “never meet your heroes, & all that. i hope… i hope i’ll be her favourite mangaka, at least.” 

she stares at the ceiling for a bit, then lays down on her blanket. “i think i’ll nap for a bit. will you stay?”

tenma has that dewy puppy-eyed look that saeko’s never been able to resist, & saeko realises how sick she is of sleeping alone. she didn’t ever think this would happen, being close to tenma like this. “i -”

tenma picks up on the hesitation, & her brow furrows. she puts her hand up in a hold up motion. “oh, god. there’s someone else, right? sorry, that was stupid of me.”

(stupid of you to think there could be anyone else.) 

“no, no!” saeko shakes her head. “it’s not like that. i just needed some time to process. we’ll do the laundry & clean this place up when we wake up, okay? then you can keep doing whatever work you need to.”

“okay.” tenma’s eyes are already fluttering closed. her voice drops to a whisper. “thanks for coming over, sae-chan. i missed you like crazy.”

she’s already asleep when saeko whispers. “i missed you too.”

(plus one.)

in which saeko thinks tenma could love her.

“can’t believe you won something this cool. & you’re still in college, too!” saeko admires the engraved plague on the shelf, brushing her fingers over tenma’s name.

“mhm. that’s me.” tenma beams brightly, taking another drag of her cigarette. she gently pats the head of the crow plush beside it. despite everything, her one-shot manga, zombie knight zombish, with its headstrong, vicious main character, won an honourable mention in the rookie awards last month. “the studio will treat me like crap while i’m still an intern, though. it won’t be a series for a while yet.”

“i say they should give you more days off.” saeko insists, cracking open a third can of beer from the six-pack & handing it to tenma. they sit down on the couch again, practically sinking into the cushions. “one weekend a month literally isn’t it.”

“for sure. but hey, there’s no way in hell i’m missing my juniors going to nationals tomorrow, & i told them just that.” tenma takes a gulp from the can. saeko admires how she looks so much healthier now, & she’s even gained some of her old muscle back. “aki’s sent me videos of your taiko troupe. you guys are incredible. disorderly crowd, right?”

“that’s us.” pleasantly buzzed, saeko puts her head in tenma’s lap. tenma doesn’t startle. she idly cards her slender fingers through saeko’s hair, humming along to free bird playing in the background. she’s never looked more handsome than she does now.

“tenma-channnn! you love me.” she taps tenma’s nose lightly, the fluttering in her stomach dulled by all her drinking. this is the moment, she knows. if things go wrong, she can play it off as a joke, a heat-of-the-moment remark. after all, they’re both drunk, & people make mistakes. neither of them will remember it in the morning. “you love me soooo much.”

she immediately laughs it off in anticipation (she’s been wrong enough times already, what’s the difference), so loud she almost misses the throaty chuckle she hasn’t heard that since high school.

“how’d you guess, sae-chan?” 

before saeko knows it, tenma leans down & kisses her, & the butterflies in her stomach flit among the lingering taste of smoke & alcohol. 

saeko blinks as she pulls away. her throat goes dry. she should’ve asked this a long time ago, but she can’t think of any better time to do it. “okay, since we’re here… tenma udai, will you be my girlfriend?”

“c’mon now — i’ve always been yours, dummy.” tenma sighs, but not without a soft smile. her hands trail down saeko’s waist, like she’s painting with her hands. “but… i don’t know if i can be physically there for you all the time. i’ll probably be working here.”

“hmm. i’ll be in miyagi till ryuu finishes high school. then the world’s ours to conquer… city girl.” saeko sits up again, to lean against tenma’s shoulder. “will you draw on my arm again? think i’ll have to get it inked properly this time round.”

the guitar solo kicks in as tenma picks up the nearest marker, & starts to sketch. her technique is better, so much more refined. she takes saeko’s hand. lightly sketches a volleyball. this time, there are two crows chasing it skywards. she doodles heart shapes down saeko’s arm, & writes i love you in flourishing cursive, ending it with a kiss to the inside of saeko’s wrist. it’s so corny but saeko loves it all the more.

“so what now?” tenma puts her pen down. she takes one last drag of her cigarette with a troubled look, then puts it out on the nearest ashtray.  “ah, shit . i’m meeting her tomorrow. your sister, i mean.”

“for sure. you guys can square up in the parking lot.” saeko kisses tenma again, this time with a little more tongue, pulling the taller girl on top of her on the couch. she brushes tenma’s dark hair back with a small grin. “ryuu’s got a reeeeal nasty right hook, & she bites hard. you might want to watch out for that.”

“mhm. i bet she had a great teacher.”

“ha, ha. very funny.”

“real talk, i’ll fight anyone for you. s’long as you patch me up & tell me i did a great job afterwards.”

“pffft, deal.” saeko holds out her phone above them, with the camera app open. “okay, okay, wait. we need to tell aki about this. or should we surprise her when we see her tomorrow?”

“y’know what, let’s tell her now. she’s waited long enough.” tenma pouts a little, then presses her lips on saeko’s forehead right as the shutter clicks. they giggle as they send it to the freshly active nirvana group chat, & saeko wants to scream it from the rooftops: she’s flying with this little crow she calls hers now, that she’s finally right about the only thing that matters.