Chapter Text
“Winter break is almost over. Are you really not going home? Our parents miss you. I miss you.”
Xiao Zhan has been staring at the message he sent to Yibo a few hours earlier. He keeps on checking his phone, waiting for the younger’s response but until now, it remains unanswered.
“He’s just busy, let him be!” He tried to brush it off but the longer he waits, the more he gets anxious.
‘What are you even waiting for? He’s obviously avoiding you!’
This is the first time he texted Yibo in months. Since the younger started university in a different city, they don’t talk much any longer.
Xiao Zhan sighed and resigned himself to focus on his drawing tablet. He works as a graphic designer and has been trying his hands on motion graphics. He’s been doing some designs for his client but since sending that text to Yibo, he got sickly anxious and couldn’t concentrate.
Cursing himself out, he picked up the stylus and was about to work again when—
*beep
Xiao Zhan jolted when his phone made a sound. He excitedly tossed the tablet and the pen aside, grinning as he took his phone.
“On Monday.” The message reads.
His eyes widened. Yibo will go home in two days? That fast, when he didn’t go home for months despite everyone’s efforts in persuading him to come home? Yet, just one text from him and the younger one decided so quickly.
“Idiot. He might have planned to do it beforehand.” He murmured to himself.
“We’ll wait for you then, Bo-di!”
“Ok.”
Xiao Zhan pouted because of the short reply… but what does he expect?
He can only sigh as he recalls how people often complain to him about how quiet and aloof Yibo was. He’s not very warm around others except for a few people and Xiao Zhan took pride in knowing he was among those people…
Actually, he wasn’t just among the few, he was the most special one. But, now, even his standing in Yibo’s life has changed. It’s not like he has no idea why it happened that way. Xiao Zhan knows why… he’s the only one who knows.
When Yibo started university, he used to come home every few months but in the passing of time, his visit became less and less frequent with a different reason each time. He rarely comes home even on holidays. The younger also takes advantage of their parents’ monthly visit to his condo unit to say that he doesn’t need to hurry going home since they can still see them often.
However, Xiao Zhan hasn’t seen him for five months now—the last time being when Yibo came home for the last 2 weeks of his summer break. They didn’t talk much then and he confirmed right that the younger was still avoiding him. Yibo’s avoidance has been going on for three years now and it’s only getting worse, Xiao Zhan is afraid they won’t go back to how they used to be.
“Tell me what you want to eat then, I’ll cook everything for you.” He texted again, wanting to break the ice.
“Nothing in particular. You don’t have to cook for me.”
His shoulders slumped down upon reading the response. Maybe he shouldn’t push it. He was about to type in a good night and a goodbye but his phone beeped with another incoming message.
“Or if you really want to then I’m okay with just anything… Thank you, Zhan-ge. I miss you too.”
Xiao Zhan’s heart melted at the unexpected tenderness of the last text. Just like before, whenever Yibo feels he gets sad with his words or actions, the younger would quickly retract it and say something else to make him feel better. Maybe, not everything has changed.
“I miss mom and dad too. Everyone.”
Xiao Zhan giggled with Yibo’s next message because it immediately followed the last one.
“We’ll be waiting then, Bo-di. Good night.” He smiled as he typed. It’s enough for today, he knows he shouldn’t push him too hard.
Yibo just texted another “Okay”.
Now, he was able to finally sigh in relief and focus his attention on working.
-a-n-t-h-e-i-a- -s-o-l-a-r-i-s-
Yibo on the other hand drew a heavy sigh as he went through the exchange all over again. His vacation would be over in nine days. He understands why his family’s asking for him as it’s been five months since he visited home.
He goes home every vacation but he only spends 2 weeks max in their hometown, except for this current winter break—he didn’t really plan on going home at this time.
Why if you may ask? Well, Yibo is afraid to go back. Not only does home keep the happiest and the most painful memories… but home is also where Xiao Zhan is. Yet one text… just one text from him and he’s rushing back. That actually made him more afraid.
He knows Xiao Zhan expects he’s already past everything, and their parents are already getting curious why he doesn’t visit home as much as he promised he would. He feels guilty too, but he really just needed time to sort out and control his feelings, so he spent a lot of time eluding.
“You have to suck it up.” He mumbled to himself. “There’s no avoiding it.”
Yibo closed his brother’s message and opened the one from Lin, the girl he’s currently seeing. There’s no feelings involved yet. Lin confessed to him, and he was honest that he doesn’t feel the same, but she asked him to try and see where things will go. He just agreed because who knows? Maybe… just maybe, it will work.
Yibo had a small hope about it – the hope that he can move on – yet lately, that faint hope has been wavering as well. It’s not that she’s unlikable, it’s just that they seem unfit. Or maybe, he was just a jerk who couldn’t look at her for who she is, as his mind is always busy thinking about who is at home.
And tonight, one text from Xiao Zhan and the wavering hope he had about the idea of liking someone else was crushed and pulverized.
“Let’s spend the rest of the break together. You promised you’ll make it up to me, so I won’t take no for an answer.”
It's what is in Lin's text. She’s currently in her hometown but she’ll be back in the city a week before the classes begin. She suggested that they spend a three-day trip together next week.
“I’ll be going home, sorry.” He replied.
Just before he could put down his phone, another message popped out.
“Then you should’ve gone home while I was away.” – LIN
“They are expecting me.” - YIBO
“We’ve been dating for almost three months but I feel we’re only growing apart. This trip can make us closer, but if you still want to cancel it then let’s call it quits.” – LIN
Yibo groaned. While he was honest to her from the very beginning, he knows he’s still to blame. He held onto that small hope that he can try and use the help of others to forget this stupid love of his.
However, he can’t teach his heart after all.
“Maybe that’s for the best. I’m sorry. You deserve someone who can reciprocate what you give.”
In the end, that’s all he can say.
-a-n-t-h-e-i-a- -s-o-l-a-r-i-s-
“Ah Yibo!”
Xiao Zhan watched as his mother pounced on his didi who just walked into the house, dragging a luggage in one hand. It was followed by his stepdad who patted Yibo’s back, muttering the phrase “you’re finally home”.
He wanted to share their excitement but Xiao Zhan finds himself treading his actions carefully. Things changed, should he act nonchalant? Act warm like before? Or should he just laugh and let them drive the conversation?
Yibo was laughing with their parents but when he met eyes with him, his smile faded. “I-I’m home… Zhan-ge.”
Xiao Zhan beamed. “Welcome home, Bo-di! I miss you!” He had thrown himself at him, trying his luck. However, the younger stiffened, so he quickly distanced himself. “I-I’m sorry. I was just excited.” He chuckled and rubbed his nape.
He castigated himself quietly, praying that their parents didn’t sense the awkwardness between them.
“That’s… alright.” Yibo smiled but the way he nodded seemed like he was hiding his face from him. “I… m-miss you too.”
“Alright, alright!” Xiao Zhan sighed in relief when his stepdad clapped his hands, not sensing the tense atmosphere between them. “Yibo, your gege has prepared a lot of food because he was so happy! Let’s eat first after you take a bath.”
During the dinner, it was obvious – at least for Xiao Zhan – that Yibo is talkative towards their parents but he doesn’t speak much to him. Though the younger answers to him even in short phrases and that makes him hopeful. Maybe his little brother was just feeling awkward and he doesn't know how to start again.
“Yibo, here!” Xiao Zhan scooped the soup dumpling and put it into the younger’s bowl, this is his first attempt to break the ice between them.
“Uh… I-I can’t eat too much, Ge.”
“Why not? It’s been a long while since you ate my cooking!” He then again spooned a dumpling and brought it over Yibo’s mouth. “Here!” Just like they used to do.
However, Yibo flinched and avoided, causing the soup to spill. Xiao Zhan noticed that he was uncomfortable, his smile faded as he put down the spoon.
“I’m sorry.” He laughed, trying to sound as casual as he could. “It’s just that, you were thinner since the last time I saw you.”
“Your Zhan-ge is just happy to see you again, Yibo.” Their dad said.
Yibo’s cold demeanor had a slight change, as if he feels a bit guilty. He sighed. “You don’t have to take care of me, Ge. I’m an adult now.”
‘You’re just avoiding me.’ Xiao Zhan thought but he forced a smile. “Yeah, sure… you’re—mmh!”
He couldn’t finish what he was saying when Yibo shoved the spoon with dumpling into his mouth. The sudden change of position left him dumbfounded. He pouted while chewing. “Why did you–”
“You should be the one eating, you’re much thinner than me, Zhan-ge.” Now, Yibo said that while wearing his signature lopsided grin and Xiao Zhan felt an invisible string tugging at his heart…
It feels like it was so long since he last saw that smile directed to him. He couldn’t suppress a smile as he munched down his food.
To avoid any more awkwardness, he decided to talk less, only inserting himself once in a while. There was a lot of topic during the dinner but what made his ears perked the most was—
“How about girls, Yibo? Were you dating?”
His head turned to his didi as quickly as possible just to see the younger was already looking right back at him. When their eyes met though, Yibo quickly avoided his gaze.
“It’s okay to date, you’re twenty-one now. You would need to experience that too, as long as you won’t laze around with your study. Be like your brother.” Their dad then looked at Xiao Zhan and he was so very not thankful for the attention. “See? Your gege at least dated a few while studying. Now, as an adult, it’s harder to find wholesome and genuine connections while prioritizing responsibilities. Isn’t that right, Zhan?”
“Ahh… y-yeah.” He replied a bit uneasy.
“You just have to balance everything, Yibo.” Their mom added. “And that goes well for you too, Zhan.” She nods in her son’s direction. “You’re always busy with something and you no longer go out to have fun. You have to expand your connection, find friends… find a girlfriend.”
Xiao Zhan’s lips contorted. “I-I prefer not to talk about that, mom.” He forced a chuckle.
Their parents would think he’s just shy to talk about romance in front of them—but really, more than that, it’s because the topic of love is still awkward for him when it involves Yibo!
“Tsh. Prefer not to talk about that!” His mom started again. “When was the last time you dated? Six years ago? You’re twenty-four now, Zhan, at the height of your youth. It’s time to be more outgoing and meet new people or you’ll end up marrying at 40.”
Xiao Zhan rolled his eyes. The topic is about Yibo, why is he suddenly being dragged here?
“Mom, there’s nothing wrong with that. And, you married each other in your 40’s right?” He pointed at their parents with a chuckle. “Did grandmother complain about that? No.”
“Tsh. This child. This marriage is both our second!”
“Mom, really… I’m happy with my life at the moment. Besides—” He pointed at Yibo who’s watching him with a cold stare. “He’s the one who just arrived back home, he should be the one on the hot seat, not me.”
“Oh right!” His mom nodded and turned back to Yibo. “How about you, Yibo? Were you dating?”
Yibo scratched his nape at the sudden attention. “Y-Yeah.”
“Y-You are?” Xiao Zhan wanted to slap his mouth at how ‘surprise’ he sounded. So he immediately tried to cover it up. “Ah, you should introduce her to us sometimes.” He even added a laugh.
“It wasn’t that serious.” Yibo sighed, now looking… kind of grim and upset. “Just tried dating… broke up with her last Saturday.”
Xiao Zhan’s eyebrow perched up. That was when they were texting!
“She wanted to have a trip with me but Zhan-ge asked me to come home.” Yibo shrugged and glanced at him, he didn’t take his eyes off him so the older had no choice but to hold his intense stare. “She said we’re done if I don't show up on the date. So, I went home. I got my priorities sorted out.”
Xiao Zhan felt his cheeks burn. The way Yibo put it into words… It’s as if he was the reason why they broke up. The heck?
“Can’t you talk it out with this girl?” Their dad intervened, not really noticing anything weird.
Yibo finally turned away to look at his dad and Xiao Zhan was finally able to catch the breath he was unknowingly holding in.
“She’s not the kind who talks things out, besides, we’re not really that serious yet. Just getting to know each other.” Yibo replied and somehow, Xiao Zhan felt his lips pulling into a devious grin, but when his younger brother once again eyed him, he quickly erased that smirk off.
“Do you need some help, Ge?”
Xiao Zhan straightened his back hearing that voice. He expected Yibo would go straight to his bedroom once he’s done chatting with their parents over dinner but no, the younger is here, offering to help wash the dishes.
He felt a sudden pang in his chest remembering how it used to be. Yibo slices meat and vegetables while he cooks, and then after, they wash the dishes together.
He turned to his didi and smiled. “It’s okay, Yibo. You’re tired from the trip, you should take a rest…”
Yibo’s face didn’t change, he just nodded and turned back. No more ‘Are you sure, Ge?’ or ‘I want to help you, Ge!’ like he always did when they were younger.
Xiao Zhan frowned at his thoughts and even before he could stop himself– “Actually, Yibo!” He called and the younger immediately looked back. “I changed my mind. Would you like to help me?” He chuckled playfully to lessen his uneasiness.
Yibo’s face remained blank but he nodded and took the apron from the corner. “Ge, can you?”
“Yes! Yes!” Xiao Zhan went behind Yibo to tie the apron. “Heh. You’re much taller now… still not as tall as me though.” He joked, noticing his didi’s head reaches his forehead now.
“Well, I’m sure I’m stronger than you so it’s just fair.”
He snickered at that.
When they started washing the dishes, Xiao Zhan couldn't help but get bothered by Yibo’s silence. Whenever he says something, the younger one answers, when he jokes, his didi retaliates but it’s not the same as before. He wants to talk to him. He wants them to have random jokes and nonsense chitchats like before. Not one word for one word, one sentence for one sentence.
“Bo-di…” He started again. “Can you promise that you will visit home as often as you can?”
Yibo paused from scrubbing a plate but he didn’t look at him. “I–sure… If there’s not much to do in school…”
He nodded, still fronting a smile. “It’s always good to have you home, you know?”
“Really?”
Xiao Zhan jolted from his spot when Yibo suddenly lifted his gaze on him. The latter isn’t smiling but his face brightened. “Ah… y-yes. Of course.” He then again forced a chuckle when he realized that he’s being stupid. “Of course, you belong here. With your family.”
He wonders if he’s right noticing the quick change in Yibo's expression. The younger’s face darkened as he focused back on washing, making an almost incomprehensible mumble–“Hmm… of course. Family.”
Xiao Zhan was confused. Does Yibo hate what he said? Does he hate… being a family? With that thought, the familiar tumultuous feeling was suddenly back inside his chest. His heart… it's beating too fast–clueless whether it was out of excitement or fear… or maybe a mixture of both. But why would it make him feel excited?!
‘Why are you excited? Does it make you happy?!’
Too absorbed in his thoughts, he didn’t notice when Yibo put a glass on his hand for him to wash. Because of his loosened grip, it slid from his grasp.
“Eep!” He squealed, hearing the glass shattered into pieces.
The sound of it breaking was a wake up call for him to stop his inappropriate thoughts.
‘This is what you get from overthinking! Wake up Xiao Zhan, you’re wrong! Quit being a moron!’
As he was having an internal panic–first, because of the broken glass, and second, because of his stupid thoughts and feelings, Xiao Zhan’s thought process started getting messed up. Wanting to clean the shards quickly, he straight away took them piece by piece.
“Ou–shit.” He cussed when a sharp fragment sliced into his palm.
“Zhan-ge!” Yibo called in a demanding tone but it was tainted with worry. “Aish! What are you doing? Why would you be so careless picking that up?”
He couldn’t do anything when Yibo took his injured hand to see the wound. It’s the size of his pinky finger, and it keeps on bleeding.”
“Tsk… it’s big and a bit deep.”
Xiao Zhan swallowed hard, seeing the younger frown. “I’m sorry… I didn’t notice.”
“You’re spacing out. What were you thinking?”
As if he can say ‘I’m thinking about you’ that’s stupid.
“Nothing.”
Yibo stares at him for a while, as if dissecting the truth from him but he only averted his gaze. The former then shook his head. “Wait for me here.” He then walked away.
Xiao Zhan took a seat at the dining chair and stared at his wound. It hurts but not enough to make him cry, yet he likes seeing his didi still cares for him like this. Remembering Yibo’s concerned face a while ago makes him feel warm and fuzzy inside… but it also makes him worried.
Why worried? Well, he wants to get close to his little brother again but getting back their old brotherly relationship is not without risks.
Yes, risks. Not physical ones but emotional. Because sometimes, lines blurry when it comes to love.
Only a few moments later, Yibo’s back with a plastic of cotton and a box of bandages.
“Let me see.” Yibo sat in front of him, he didn't really need to offer his hand since the younger was already tugging it. “You used to tell me that panicking won’t do me any good, even though you’re the one who often does that. You haven’t changed, Ge.”
Xiao Zhan’s eyes widened at whathis didi said, then it was followed by a small smile. He was happy to see Yibo recalling the old days.
He remembered saying it when Yibo was trying to learn skateboarding at the age of fourteen. The younger one slipped out–not even that, he got thrown out of his skateboard and landed on his elbow. Xiao Zhan was the one panicking but he kept telling Yibo “not to panic”.
“Why are you smiling so wide, Ge?”
“Nothing.” His smile got even wider. “It’s just that you remember.”
When he said that, Yibo instantly avoided his gaze and eyed the wound back. “O-Of course, I do. Everything you say… everything you do.”
‘Huh?’
Xiao Zhan was taken aback by the way Yibo phrased it and even the tone he used. His didi looked up to him shortly before glancing back at the wound he was tending. It was as if he was just wanting to see his reaction, yet the only things that could be seen in his face was confusion and shock.
Yibo shook his head. “Nevermind, Ge.”
As he didn’t know what to say any longer, Xiao Zhan just nodded and watched Yibo tend to his injury. He can do it by himself but well, he has his Yibo around now… just like before. He couldn’t help when his mind started traveling back in time.
“Huh? Yibo, why did you do that?” Xiao Zhan had a wound from miscutting. He was confused when after he put an adhesive bandage on his injured thumb, his baby brother took his hand and placed a kiss over his thumb.
“My mom used to do that, Zhan-ge. She said it always works.” Then Yibo’s shoulders slumped down as he touched the scar on his own forehead. He got it when he was riding a bike the other day. “Maybe that’s why my scar here hasn’t healed yet, because mom has left me…”
Xiao Zhan found it adorable and sad at the same time. Yibo was just nine and misses his mom. What he knows is that the latter’s mom fell in love with someone else and it broke their family. She eloped and only contacted Yibo’s dad to settle the divorce. At first, Yibo often cried but he’s an understanding child as he easily accepted his dad marrying someone else. Xiao Zhan swears he would protect this didi of his.
“Let me see, Bo-di.” He gently put down Yibo’s hand and stroked the scar on his forehead. It was at least a thumb long, he remembered how bloody it was the other day. “You want Zhan-ge to do it instead?”
Yibo’s eyes rounded and his cheeks reddened like a tomato. “You have that magic too, Zhan-ge?”
He laughed and ruffled the younger’s head who pouted at his gesture. “What? Just now you did that to me, you think you’re the only one who has magic here? Of course I have that too!”
“Alright, ge. If you say so.”
He smiled at the younger before placing a soft kiss over his forehead. To be a gege is wonderful!
“Here.”
“Huh?” Xiao Zhan was pulled back from reminiscing when Yibo put down his hand and stood up.
“I’ll finish the dishes, Ge. Rest your hand. Just go on and do something else.” Yibo sounded strict, like he was ordering him.
“Okay then.” He nodded in defeat. As if he would insist on finishing the dishes. What’s the sense of dressing his wound just to get it wet? “I’ll leave you there, Bo-di. Good night!”
“Mn.” Is all he got as a reply.
-a-n-t-h-e-i-a- -s-o-l-a-r-i-s-
“Still the same as I left it.” Yibo noticed upon opening the door to his room.
“Your Zhan-ge got it cleaned. He even put that vase just this morning.” His stepmom pointed at the desk by the window where a cute ceramic vase was placed. There’s a few flowers there–camellias, his favorite. “Your gege has been attending pottery classes and he made that one.”
Yibo was surprised. He didn’t know Xiao Zhan took a new interest! He used to know almost everything about the older–if he picked up a new hobby, interest, or activity; if he was too lazy to do anything, and even if he met new friends. Not knowing his gege picked up pottery is a small proof that they no longer talk as much as before.
“He’s always been… artistic.” He said. Even in music, his gege’s got a good voice.
“Yeah.” His stepmom chuckled. “Okay, I’ll leave you here now, Yibo. Have a good sleep, I’m sure you missed your bed.”
Once Yibo was all alone in his room, he took some time looking at the frames hanging on the wall. They’re still the same displays—two frames of their whole family, a photo of his biological mom, and another two frames of him with his Zhan-ge; one was during the older’s high school graduation, and the other during his. They used to be so close and happy.
If only things didn’t happen the way they did, nothing would have changed between his and Xiao Zhan’s connection. He would still go home without worry, they would still be close without him feeling sickly anxious and yearning more each time.
Had he remained content, things would have remained the same. He would have gone home on his breaks, he would’ve kept close contact with his Zhan-ge–heck, he might not even have chosen to study away from their hometown. He would know if the older picked up a new hobby, if he met someone new, what are his thoughts or what are the things he’s been wanting to do… Now, even such trivial matters like ‘how are you’ or ‘have you eaten yet’ feels awkward to talk about between them.
Yibo sighed and this time, his eyes shifted to the vase over his desk. He walked up to it and sat on the chair, propped up an elbow and put his chin over his palm as he stared at the Camellias.
Looking at the flowers, his mind once again searched for the memories he tried so hard to push at the back of his mind.
Wang Yibo was fifteen when he first gave flowers to someone.
“Zhan-ge, look what I brought you.” That was the first line he said upon reaching home.
His gege walked out of the kitchen to greet him, still wearing an apron. “What is it Yi–Wow! They’re pretty.”
He simpered proudly seeing how his older brother loved his present. Xiao Zhan took the flowers he was offering and gave it a smell before smiling wider.
“It smells good, Yibo!”
“Seungyoun told me that this flower is called Camellia and it symbolizes inner strength. So, I asked if I could pick some for you.”
“Huh? And when did Seungyoun know so much about flowers?”
He laughed. “His grandmother loves arranging flowers, Zhan-ge. They have a big garden.”
“I see.” Xiao Zhan giggled. “And why did my Bo-di want to give me Camellias? You said it symbolizes inner strength, right?”
Yibo scratched his nape, feeling a bit shy. “Uhh… Yixuan-ge said you’ve been sad lately and you haven’t heard yet from the university you applied for.”
“Hmm, I didn’t know you kept tabs on that!” His gege sighed and nudged his cheek. “Yibo, so you want me to believe in myself and find my inner strength is that it?”
He pouted and swatted the older’s finger from his cheek. “Don’t tease me, Zhan-ge!”
“Okay, okay!” His gege admired the flowers for a while before diverting his attention back to him. “Thank you, Bo-di!” The older chanted before bending over to place a kiss over his forehead.
Shocked and shy all at once, Yibo quickly took a step back and it made his older brother laugh harder.
“Zhan-ge!” He whined as he covered his forehead. He was almost horrified with what his gege did… almost, only if not for the butterflies in his stomach.
His insides churn and his ears started turning pink.
“I told you th-that you can’t do it anymore!”
“Sorry, Yibo! Sometimes I forget that you no longer want to be kissed on the forehead!” Xiao Zhan reasoned out but it was clearly a lie, then he teasingly tugged at his cheek. “Whatever happens, you will always be my cute didi.”
“I’m not nine anymore.” He’s fifteen! “You will always see me as a kid!”
Yibo looks petulant but the older only wants to coddle and tease him more because of it.
“You’re just fifteen, and you are my baby brother! Even when you’re thirty, of course, I can still tease you.”
Didi. Baby brother. Yibo couldn’t even mask the irritation in his face. Who wants to be Xiao Zhan’s brother?
“I don’t wanna be your brother.”
But, even with how much he glares, Xiao Zhan could only see his chubby cheeks and childish arrogance. The older one only laughed and messed up his hair.
“Well, then you’re unlucky Bo-di, because you’re stuck with this annoying gege of yours.”
Yibo sighed. “Then be stuck with me. Good.” He turned around and started walking away.
“Love you, Yibo!” His gege sing-sung to annoy him but he just paused and turned his head back to him.
“Mn. Love you too.”
What sucks is that he meant that… a little too much.