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Jodie had lost count of the drinks she’d had this evening, but if the blurry shapes around her were any indication, it was probably… a lot.
Thinking was… difficult.
She didn’t like thinking.
… why wasn’t it possible to not think, again?
Gosh, her head was hurting.
There was a sound coming from somewhere to her right that she wasn’t in any state to identify just then, but there was also some movement going on in the corner of her eye, so it was probably someone ordering a drink.
Actually, she should get another drink!
It took her an enormous amount of effort to raise a hand to signal to the barkeeper for another drink.
“Hello,” said a voice next to her.
She turned her eyes away from the bar and back to the table in front of her. A bunch of coasters lay scattered there. It made for a truly sad sight.
Someone really ought to build a card house out of these…
Jodie had just managed to not build the first element of what would soon be a spectacular card of house – no, house of cards … huh? – when she felt a light touch on her shoulder.
The next sequence of events would forever remain a mystery to her, but there was some movement – by far too fast for her to make sense of – the feeling of a blow being blocked, an uncomfortable pressure against her shoulders, and in her next fully – well, comparatively – conscious moment, she found herself being adjusted back onto the barstool.
“Careful,” said the blurry shape in front of her. Jodie blinked, repeatedly, though the effect to her vision was only minimal. “Are you alright?”
The voice sounded vaguely familiar.
“Yeah, I’m… good.”
She looked down onto her lap as she tried to get into a more comfortable position, but soon looked up again. The shape was becoming a bit clearer, though she still had difficulties discerning its features.
“What are you doing here?” asked the person. Jodie squinted, deciding that it was probably a guy.
“Drinking,” she said, curtly, and turned back to focus on her mind-blowing architectural project.
“Having a fun night out?”
“No,” she said, before she remembered that she should have probably just ignored him. Then her thoughts drifted to the reason why she was spending the evening at a bar, and she decided she really didn’t want to think about that – that had been the reason why she’d gotten drunk in the first place. She tried to shake herself out of those thoughts and focused instead on his question. Why was he asking her, anyway? It was none of his business! And it was rude to ask strangers strange questions! Someone really ought to tell him.
“You’re rude!”
The man smiled. Or grinned. It was a bit difficult to tell. “So I’ve been told. Though not in recent history, actually.”
She stared at him blankly.
He glanced at the empty glasses in front of her, and then turned to speak to the barkeeper who was finally back with her drink.
Greedily, Jodie took it.
The noises in the bar – the voices, the music, the clinking of glasses – it all blurred together as she nursed her drink, and it was a while until the man next to her came back into her awareness. She looked up to find him regarding her with an expectant expression.
“What!?”
“I was asking if it would be alright if I sat next to you.”
Her eyebrows rose in confusion. “But you’re sitting next to me?!”
“Yes. I was wondering if you minded the company.”
“I-“ She was vaguely aware that she had come here to drink, not to talk, but then she remembered that mostly she just wanted to not think. “You’re fine.”
“Thanks,” he said, with another smile that might also count as a grin.
The barkeeper was back with two glasses and put them in front of them. Jodie watched warily as the man pushed one of them towards her.
“That doesn’t look like a drink.” She looked up at him. “They must have confused something.”
Another smile. “No, I ordered water. For you.”
She frowned. “That’s not how you hit on women.” Before he could answer, she added, “But you shouldn’t hit on me, anyway. I’m stupid.”
She wasn’t looking at him, so she missed his expression, but his voice sounded somehow different now. “You’re not.”
She squinted her eyes together, even while focusing on the glass of water. “How would you know?”
“We’ve met. Subaru Okiya.”
“Hm?” She looked up at him, thoughtfully. “Yeah, perhaps.”
“I’m glad to have made such a lasting impression,” he said, and now it was definitely a grin on his face.
“I said I’m stupid. You really shouldn’t flirt with me.”
“Alright. I apologise.”
She nodded and drank a bit of the water, scrunching her face. Her previous drink had been so much better.
“But why do you think you’re stupid?”
He seemed determined to talk to her.
“Because I ruin everything.”
She felt his eyes on her, but she didn’t want to meet his eyes.
And suddenly she launched into it. She wasn’t sure why she was telling him, a virtual stranger. Perhaps she just had to unload all of it for once, and perhaps it was good that he was someone completely uninvolved. She told him everything – the entire mess that was her history with Shuichi, his disappearance, and his return.
How she managed to work around the whole undercover/fake-death/masquerade complication she wasn’t sure, but somehow she told the story without blowing his cover. Probably.
But then she got to the heart of the matter. The mess she had created that had driven her here this evening. Her attack on him, and how she left directly afterwards. And how she’d realized this morning that she hadn’t had her period since.
“I did a test. Five, actually.” She rubbed the palms of her hands against her tired eyes. “All of them negative. So, hooray, I guess.” She dropped her hands to reach for her glass, raising it in a mock toast. It was empty; she had grabbed the wrong one.
There was a long silence between them, but Jodie was happy to let it sit. During her story, and probably thanks to the water, she had become more aware of her surroundings. And of her feelings. She wasn’t sure if she considered that a good development.
Eventually, he said, “You don’t sound too happy.”
She shrugged, though he must have noted the distinctly dejected manner in which she did, because he carefully placed a hand on her shoulder, and when she didn’t shrug him off, he started gently rubbed across her back.
“Did you wish for a baby?”
“No. Maybe. I don’t know…. We can’t really have a baby right now. Not that he would want to, with me, if we could.”
She stared into her glass. It was already empty again. “I should go home.”
But she didn’t make to get up.
He was still stroking her back. After several moments, he said, “Why do you think that he doesn’t want to be with you anymore?”
She frowned. “Because he hasn’t spoken to me since we… uh… well, since then. He hasn’t called me or anything.”
“Have you tried to contact him?”
“Nooo, I can’t.”
He looked at her questioningly, and she looked back to the mess of coasters and empty glasses in front of her. Quietly, she said, “I’m afraid.” She hesitated, then continued. “I have to apologize, but I’m afraid that he won’t forgive me.”
The hand on her back paused for a moment before it resumed its movement. “Jodie,” he said, and she looked back up at him. “You do realize that he participated in… well, you know. Willingly, I mean.”
“But I… “ – she just about recalled lowering her voice – “I jumped him, he didn’t really have the chance to-“
“Even if you took him by surprise, he’d have still been able to stop you if he didn’t want to continue.”
She must have looked rather sceptical at that, because he went on. “Look, I don’t know the details, of course, but there’s usually some time between… uh, jumping someone and… uh… you know…”
Jodie had to admire his ability to keep the blush out of his face despite being so obviously uncomfortable.
“But then why didn’t he talk to me afterwards?”
He raised his eyebrows. “Perhaps because he was waiting for you to contact him?”
Her head bowed in shame. “He’s still waiting for an apology.”
He let his hand drop from her back, only to throw it up in ostensible exasperation. She found herself missing the warmth of his touch.
“He’s waiting for you to come to him because when you ‘jumped’ him, as you call it, he felt so much hope that you would take him back, but then you left in a panic, and he knew that he had mucked things up again, and he thought it best to give you space, to let you decide on how to go on from there.”
The words were spoken in such a manner as to convey his determination to convince her; a determination that didn’t make any sense to Jodie at all.
Because those feelings… what he had described… that wasn’t how Shuichi was.
Shuichi had always presented her with a fait accompli.
When he told her he loved her for the very first time, he had not been waiting for a reply. He had just wanted to let her know.
When he’d been about to infiltrate the Organisation, he had informed her of his decision to break up with her the very day before he went undercover, not giving her the chance to argue and maybe convince him otherwise.
He hadn’t informed her of the plan to fake his death.
“Maybe he has changed.“
Her head snapped up to find him looking at her with an expression that told her he knew exactly what she was thinking.
“Perhaps he has changed because he realized what he has been doing to you… what he’s put you through, twice … and decided he didn’t want to hurt you anymore.”
“Bu- But-“ The water had certainly helped to clear the fog in her mind a bit, but Jodie still felt unable to process his words.
He let her try for a while; she felt his gaze on her as she struggled to form a coherent thought around this new possibility, a part of her fighting the hope that was trying to take residence in her heart out of fear of being disappointed later on.
“I think,” he said, his voice softer and yet somehow louder – it took her a moment to realise that he was leaning towards her and speaking directly into her ear – “that you should talk to him.”
She looked up at him and into his eyes, that for once weren’t squinted together.
They were startingly green.
Something stirred in the back of her mind.
“Though perhaps tomorrow morning,” he added, leaning back and smiling at her, disrupting her muddled thoughts. She shook her head, a bit confused.
As she moved to get up from her seat, she recalled that she still had to pay for all her drinks and turned back, but found that he was taking care of it for her. She propped her elbows on the table and put her face into her hands, trying to drown out the noise of the bar that was slowly becoming a bit too much.
Again she felt a light touch on her shoulder, and when she raised her head, she found him holding out his other hand to her. “Come on. I’ll take you home.”
Placing her hand in his, she let herself be pulled up.