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There’s a certain quiet to it. A certain loudness at the same time. Felix looks across the room at Jisung’s back, the broad line of his shoulders, the fluffiness of his longer hair. He’s overdue for a haircut, but Felix has been hoping he won’t go, has been looking at the windswept strands and desperately wishing to find an excuse to run his hand through them. So far he’s come up empty.
“Jisung,” he says, voice barely more than a breath, his whole body poised for fight or flight, stuck on the precipice of something that could make or break him. Them. “Sungie.”
His friend looks back, clueless about the little boat that is Felix’s emotions, balancing on the edge of a waterfall, just about to topple over the edge. He’s leaning all his weight back hoping it might save him from the inevitable. Meanwhile Jisung is on the shore, unaffected, not even aware there is a boat or a waterfall at all.
“What’s up?”
Felix’s fingers flex, he wishes he could reach out. Over and over that’s all he wishes for. His hands are shaking where they’re pressed against his thighs, just to keep himself from reaching out.
The silence stretches out between them. Anticipation on Jisung’s side, a mixture of determination and terror on Felix’s. When it lasts, Jisung raises an eyebrow, then turns fully to face him. His breath catches in his throat and he knows. He knows. Now or never. Fight or flight. Crash or burn.
“I want you to kiss me.”
So many times they’ve been right on the cusp. Jisung’s face just a hair’s width from his, wide grins, taunting eyes. There’s never been actual contact, of course, Jisung always pulling away right before the end, breaking his heart over and over. Clueless about the destruction he’s wreaked in Felix’s chest. How could he have known? This is the first time he speaks any of his thoughts aloud.
“Huh?”
Jisung’s clueless still, his expression darkening with confusion, forehead briefly creasing. Not shock, just a complete lack of understanding. Jisung cannot even imagine that Felix might be serious, of course. Why would they kiss? They’re best friends. They have been since the day they met and realised they almost shared a birthday. Jisung fits so well with him they might truly be two halves of a whole. He feels like a half. He feels like a mess.
“I want it,” he repeats, because what else can he do? Jisung’s gaze searches his, his best friend’s parted lips closing. He swallows, a visible thing. Felix mimics the motion. They stare at each other in that continued silence.
“Lix…” Jisung starts. He trails off, inhales, quiets. He exhales the breath through his nose and then presses his lips together, suddenly so serious. His expression does not bode well. Felix feels every nerve ending in his body prepare for the inevitable. “I haven’t even brushed my teeth yet.”
Felix blinks, taken aback. He’d been expecting a lot of things, but not this. “Why- That’s- I don’t care.”
Jisung looks at him a moment longer, but then seems to accept it as truth. “Okay.”
The distance between them is crossed with two strides. Suddenly Jisung’s hands are on his face, cupping his jaw. This isn’t new. This has happened before. Jisung’s been closer than this before, held him in much more serious ways. Felix’s heart thuds loudly in his chest, the anticipation nearly stealing all of his breath.
And then, the same as always; Jisung pulls away. “Are you sure?” He asks, hesitant. All of Felix’s hope seeps right out of him into the floor beneath his feet. He smiles, certain it must be more of a grimace with how defeated he feels. Of course Jisung was never going to actually kiss him.
“Nevermind,” he whispers, turns his gaze down first, then his head tilts forward a little too. He turns away, ready to head back out, to join the rest of the world again. Jisung’s touch on his skin burns with his need, yet it goes unanswered as ever, so what’s the point? Why does he even still try?
The fingers on his jaw tighten their hold, pull his face back before he can even fully turn it away. There’s a gentle pressure on his skin, a thumbprint on the fullest part of his lower lip. Then it’s replaced by something else. Something that takes him a good moment to realise are lips as well. Jisung’s lips, in fact, pressed against his.
It’s a chaste kiss, but it lingers, Jisung’s breath warm on his skin before they break apart, and then Jisung’s blinking at him, concerned but curious.
“Like that?”
First, there is the realisation. Then, it is followed by hope. Stronger than weeds and cockroaches, more toxic than any pesticide. Finally, disbelief.
“I-”
Jisung’s expression shutters closed. The hands release his jaw. Felix’s reflexes or instincts make him reach out, grab hold of Jisung’s shirt, keep him from leaving.
“More.”
There’s another pause, another moment’s hesitation, but it’s brief. Whatever shows on Felix’s face must be obvious. Jisung leans back in. Felix closes the last of the distance himself, kissing his friend.
“Lix.”
The whisper is uttered against his skin, lips touching even with the slightest movement. He breathes in the sound of his own name in his best friend’s voice, and exhales his love.
“Sung. More.”
The next press of their lips is harder, more insistent, more certain. Felix’s chest explodes with the fireworks of relief, of delight, of complete surrender. Jisung’s hand slides up his jaw until some fingers end up behind his ear. His own fingers tighten in the fabric of his best friend’s shirt.
“Lix,” Jisung says again, a question in the way he tilts his head a little and then leans back in, brings their faces even closer. Toothpaste and whatever else be damned, Felix releases Jisung’s shirt and brings a hand up to the back of his friend’s head, to wordlessly make the same demand as before.
Their lips part, a breath shared, a moment in between everything else. Felix’s eyes are closed, but his nose is lightly brushing Jisung’s. One hand is in his best friend’s hair, the other is splayed atop his chest, the rhythmic thudding beneath no doubt Jisung’s heart. It’s racing almost as much as his own, chasing a feeling neither of them have ever put into words. The moment seems momentarily endless.
Felix’s eyes flutter open when Jisung pulls back. Their gazes meet and the endlessness returns, buoys in Felix’s chest. Their eyes flicker back and forth, searching each other’s gaze. He wants to lean back in and just continue their kiss, but Jisung suddenly huffs out a soft laugh, pulls a bit further away. Felix’s arm stretches instinctually, unwilling to relinquish his hold on those silky strands.
“What are we doing?” Jisung asks, amused, like he wonders what kind of silly thing Felix has started with him this time. A thing similar to when they eat cake for dinner, or sit on the bathroom floor in nothing but their boxers at three am talking about the weirdest subjects imaginable. Felix’s heart is on the verge of breaking again, more destruction wreaked on his very soul, except…
Except he’s close enough this time, his fingers tangled in soft hair tightly enough to keep Jisung from pulling away as far as he usually would, and Felix sees it. A widening of Jisung’s pupils. A nervous edge to his smile. A tremor in the hand that has let go of his face but now rests on his arm. All the signs of a fear equal to if perhaps even bigger than Felix’s own.
What are we doing? Jisung asks, but maybe the answer he wants is not an easy excuse like Felix always thought he needed, but a reassurance.
“Kissing,” he says, rushed out of him with most of his breath, stolen from his very lungs like he was rushing to get it out. “We were kissing. Could be again, if you wanted to?”
The tremor becomes a brief spasm, and Jisung’s gaze doubles in intensity, searching his face even more sharply.
“I’m serious.” It’s the last of his air, his inhale brief and shallow, blocked by the ball of tension pushing up from beneath his midriff. He nearly gasps to get in more, his hand curling in Jisung’s shirt, barely keeping from pulling his best friend closer all over again. “I’m so serious right now.”
He inhales again, tension making all of his muscles feel stiff and unmoving. All he can do is wait for Jisung’s response. It’s slow coming, however, and he finds himself making more sound, trying everything he can to keep this from being ruined. Them. Everything. “But we don’t have to. If you don’t want to. I’m not saying it’s a must. We can also–”
“Lix. Felix. Are you– I mean…” Jisung trails off, but their gazes are still locked. Unsure of what Jisung is trying to ask, Felix already starts nodding anyway. What could he possible ask to which the response would be negative? Unless Jisung thinks it’s all a joke, but that kind of thought doesn’t warrant the stilted type of disbelief that is in Jisung’s every movement.
“Kiss me more?” He offers, puts it out there like it’ll explain everything, like it’ll answer all of Jisung’s questions. And maybe it does, maybe it’s everything that still needed to be said, because Jisung rushes forward suddenly, his hand coming back up to Felix’s jaw, his other hand tugging him in by his arm, their lips slotting together as smoothly as if they’ve done this a million times.
Suddenly they’re kissing . No questions, no wondering about what it might mean, no doubts. Just pure, unbridled feeling. Jisung’s lips slotted against his, Jisung’s hand in his hair, his own hands in Jisung’s hair, their bodies moving to close the last remaining distance and slotting together much like their lips had. He’s pushed backwards, against the wall he wasn’t too far from and there’s a sound pulled from his throat on impact that gets swallowed up in the motions.
“Sung,” he exhales when they part briefly for air, but he’s barely given a reprieve before they dive back in. It’s warm, it’s wet, it’s perfect .
Suddenly Jisung pulls away again, though only his head, and rather than put physical distance between them, he rests his forehead against Felix’s temple, before it slides down to his shoulder.
“Lix,” he says, and there’s so much apology in the tone that Felix’s budding hope withers right back down to nothing already. Jisung’s head lifts and Felix stands with his back against the wall, breathing hard, braced for yet another rejection, except this one spoken aloud. Their eyes meet, more of that apology in Jisung’s gaze. “I need to brush my teeth. I’m so sorry. I can’t stop thinking about how bad I must smell or taste or–”
Felix’s laugh comes all the way from his core, where his deepest, most fragile feelings have been hidden away for far too long. It startles Jisung, but not as much as the smack to his friend’s shoulder does, or the kiss Felix plants to his lips even though he’s still laughing.
“Stupid. You’re so stupid. I love you so much,” he says on a single exhale, and gently nudges Jisung over to the door, so he can head to the bathroom and get his insecurities taken care of. “Go brush your teeth. I’ll be here expecting more kisses after.”
Jisung pauses, looking back still, searching his face once more. “Really?” He asks, like getting a final confirmation. The smile blooms on Felix’s face without conscious thought and he nods his head slowly. Jisung’s smile is bright in return, a finger raised to point at him. “Hold that thought. I’ll be right back. Five minutes!”
He shoots out the door, only out of sight for a second before his head pops back in. “Only two, actually, dentist approved brushing time!”
Then he’s gone.
Felix laughs again.