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The media was in an uproar. The league executives were furious. The fans couldn’t believe it. The fate of the Super Bowl was uncertain. After all, a game of Sahertan football requires two teams, and the Glam Gas Land Highwaymen were nowhere to be found. As one of the two teams to survive the gauntlet of the playoffs, the Highwaymen were one of the best teams in the sport to be assembled.
World class athletes don’t normally vanish without a trace. And yet, there was no sign of any of the players in their hotel, at their practice field, and definitely not in the stadium. Sweating, one of the executives was about to tell his colleagues to call the game off, only to find himself face to face with a man he’d never met, but had heard of before.
Chrollo Lucifer, leader of the Phantom Troupe, stood before the executive with a blank expression. After a hushed discussion, the executive cleared his throat before dialing a number on his cellphone.
The voice on the other end was garbled by the speaker, but Chrollo could tell they weren’t very happy.
The executive cleared his throat again. “Yes. Yes, I know. Listen to me. I have—No, I haven’t found them. Wh—Would you shut up for ten seconds?! I have a way for the game to still happen. We’re not postponing it. I’ve got a new team lined up. Who? Well…”
He glanced at Chrollo for a second, thinking over how exactly to break the news.
“It’s the Phantom Troupe. No, I’m serious. Well, they probably did. He didn’t say. Chrollo. Yes, that Chrollo. Do you even know anyone else with that name? Well, they probably can. You ever heard of anything that they’ve done? Sure, I can ask. Of course, I probably am.”
He lowered his phone with a sigh as he once again glanced at the leader of the Phantom Troupe. “Alright, we can probably make this work, but there’s only, what, 13 of you? You’ll have the same guys on offense and defense. Special teams too, of course.”
“That won’t be an issue,” Chrollo simply stated. “The legs of the Spider are more than capable.”
“Do you even know the rules?”
“Well enough, I suppose.”
The executive sighed again. “You got uniforms? Pads? And I’d rather you not use the Highwaymen’s equipment.”
“Oh, I wasn’t aware that was necessary.”
The executive pinched his nose. “Fine, forget about it. Just tell me who’ll play what position so we can get this over with.”
Chrollo nodded and pulled a piece of paper from a pocket, handing it to the executive. He read it over quickly before putting his phone back to his ear.
“Still there? Good, I’ve got their positions written down here…”
---
The stadium lights were blinding. The Phantom Troupe stood calmly on the sideline, eyes fixed on the enemy. The Yorknew Behemoths, the other team to reach the Super Bowl, stood across the field, eyeing their new opponents warily.
Chrollo, acting as the coach of the “football team,” told each member of the Troupe what their role would be for the game. Particularly important was that, while only eleven players of a team could be on the playing field at the same time, the members of the Phantom Troupe would need to cover multiple positions for the three phases of the game.
After they won the coin toss to begin the game, the Phantom Troupe elected to receive the opening kickoff. Hisoka was elected to field the kick, as he was the least likely to drop the ball because Bungee Gum has the properties of both rubber and gum.
The oblong ball sailed through the air, flipping end over end as it flew back towards the turf. Hisoka placed himself right where the ball landed and began to run. While the physical strength of the Phantom Troupe was so much greater than any professional football player, Chrollo told the members to try and keep the game “competitive,” a request that Hisoka was more than happy to oblige as he lightly jogged down the field.
Hisoka could have shrugged off all eleven Behemoths players even if they all tackled at once, he let himself get brought down to the ground just behind the Phantom Troupe’s 30-yard line, a placement that was only slightly further than a touchback under the rules of the SFL (Sahertan Football League).
Now on offense, the Phantom Troupe lined up behind the ball. In an interesting twist, Kortopi was placed under center. Of course, astute viewers knew that his Gallery Fake ability could be used to perfect the play-action maneuver popular in many offensive playbooks. Protecting him from the defensive front of the Behemoths was the offensive line, which from left to right was Uvogin, Feitan, Nobunga, Machi, and Franklin.
Uvogin and Franklin were easy choices to play the bookend tackles of the offensive line due to their size and strength. The guards were chosen for their high placement in the Troupe’s arm-wrestling ranking, while Nobunga elected himself to play center, though no one else could really tell why. Of course, any member of the Troupe could easily overpower any of the football players, even Kortopi.
Behind Kortopi, Phinks stood ready as a powerful running back capable of plowing over any defender in his way like a true bruising back. Stretching across the width of the field was the Troupe’s receiving core of Hisoka (chosen due to Bungee Gum having the properties of both rubber and gum, as previously discussed), Pakunoda, Shizuku, and Shalnark to round out the eleven players (Bonolenov was relegated to the sidelines, for he could not catch a football while wearing boxing gloves). Hisoka and Pakunoda were positioned near the sidelines as true wide receivers, while Shalnark was selected to play the slot receiver. Shizuku was placed as the tight end of the team, allowing her to provide both chip blocks and opportunities to claim chunks of yardage in passing situations.
With such a stacked lineup, the Behemoths stood no chance as the Phantom Troupe marched down the field to easily score the first touchdown of the game. Interestingly, the Troupe elected to go for the 2-point conversion right away. While the media claimed that the Troupe was acting unsportsmanlike, in truth it was because none of the members could kick the ball accurately without inadvertently injuring whichever member was stuck as the holder, which fortunately was not possible during kickoffs.
Of course, the conversion was good, and the Phantom Troupe led 8-0 early in the first quarter. And the rest, as they say, is history.
Shuffling the Troupe members for defense was quite easy, as the linemen focused on tackling the quarterback rather than protecting him, while the receivers and backs covered opposing wideouts. Once again, Hisoka was very well suited for the cornerback position, able to be a shutdown corner the likes of which the SFL had never seen before and would never see again because Bungee Gum has the properties of both rubber and gum.
In some defensive plays, Kortopi was able to switch out with Bonolenov to allow for the Troupe to stack the box more effectively and completely shut down the Behemoths’ run game. This forced them to focus on the passing attack, which proved fatal to the team’s hopes of winning as the Troupe came away with multiple interceptions, as well as a few forced fumbles.
The Troupe quickly forgot Chrollo’s request for the game to remain close in score, and as the Troupe lined up in victory formation at the end of the fourth quarter for the final time, the scoreboard above read 222-0, a score many in the stands thought was impossible.
And yet, there it was. While some may claim that the Super Bowl that year deserved an asterisk due to the mysterious circumstances surrounding the Glam Gas Land Highwaymen (who were still yet to turn up anywhere), just as there is no rule saying a dog cannot play basketball, there is no rule saying the Phantom Troupe cannot kill 53 professional football players, plus coaching staff and other staff members of the team, as well as the front office and ownership for good measure to replace them in the biggest game of the year. Hoisting the Stromboli Trophy later that year, Chrollo and the Phantom Troupe reconfirmed to the world what many had thought, or perhaps hoped, was a dream.
The Phantom Troupe won the Super Bowl.
---
Back during the waning moments of the game, Kurapika watched as he felt an indescribable emptiness. After all, he had just lost a bet he had made. A very important bet. You see, Kurapika was so sure that this was the Yorknew Behemoth’s year to win it all that he bet every single Jenny he had and could find on their victory.
But now, the 0 points scored by his team was the same as the 0 Jenny he had. And that wasn’t even the worst part. The money wasn’t all his. So, he had another problem to figure out.
How was Kurapika going to tell Leorio that his college savings had just been gambled away?
-THE END-
Uh. Thanks for reading?
Long story short, I thought of this while eating lunch and quickly put this together for a very special occasion.
I hope you at least found the concept funny.
April Fools!
--Glaive