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I'm standing by the hospital bed. Kanade lies there. How ashamed I am that I didn’t save her from that.
Eventually, she met a fate similar to her father's. Thank God the case is much easier. Doctors said she would likely experience short-term memory loss. A little later, in a few days, she will return home. I will need to explain to her everything that she forgot.. or help her remember..
Her gaze pulls me out of my thoughts. She is awake, looking at me.
"Hello, Kanade." I say, not having any other words.
"Hello. Who are you?"
She doesn't remember me. My chest feels cold. I already want to cry, but I have to be strong. I have to help her now when she needs it.
“My name is Mafuyu. You probably don't remember me..?"
She glances over me and nods weakly.
"I think I heard your name somewhere. Your voice seems familiar to me."
Familiar? Most likely, she still remembers Niigo.. when we didn’t know each other in life..
"Perhaps you’ll recognize me if I say I’m Yuki?"
She smiles at me. Her smile now feels so different from the way she usually smiled at me...
"Yuki... I'm glad to finally meet you. How did you find me here?"
This is painful.
“You and I knew each other in life before you came here. The doctors say that you will remember everything soon, so please don’t worry. You need to rest now." I don’t know what to say at all. I feel so cold, but right now she needs me more than I need her. I smile at her, deciding that I should return to a more affable role for a while so as not to disturb her.
She looks into my eyes again with surprise. I don't know what I said wrong.
"Mafuyu, right?" - She asks my name again and goosebumps run down my spine. I nod.
"Thank you for coming to see me, Mafuyu. I hope I remember more about you soon."
I have to hold back my tears so as not to disturb her, but a cold sensation pierces my chest.
"I also hope so. I should probably go. Get some rest, okay? I'll come tomorrow." I’ll go home.. I should clean up a little before they let her go. And figure out how to explain our current life to her..
"Okay, bye." her every word gives off a cold feeling. I'm so scared to start over.
It's dark and lonely at home without her. As soon as I entered her room, tears immediately began to well up in my eyes. I lay down on the bed, curled up into a ball and just let myself cry for half the night.
The bed is empty and cold without her. She is still alive and real, but having lost all the memories of our communication... will I have at least some value in her life? I'm scared that life won't go back to normal, even though there's no reason to think so.
To be honest, the following days weren't much different. I came, found out about her well-being, went home and spent the evening cleaning or sitting on the bed, thinking about different moments of our lives.
And then she was discharged. On the way home, I managed to explain to her that we live together... I think she was still a little confused.
The first thing she did was go to her computer. I asked her to stop and give herself a couple of days without the computer and compositions.
"But I have to save people.."
We're back to the very beginning. I have to somehow convince her.
"Kanade, let me tell you a little." I touch her shoulder and sit her on the bed.
"Kanade.. For a long time you took care of me and tried to save me. I can't stand to see you exhaust yourself to this extent. You saved me the entire time we knew each other, and now, even when you barely remember me, I want to help you. Please. Rest for at least a couple of days..."
She listens to my words, then thinks about it and agrees. I'm glad.
"Then... since I won't have anything to do for a while... I want to find out a little more about what I forgot. And about you.. in fact, your presence in my house seems quite ordinary.."
I'm glad. I guess... it makes me feel better that our relationship hasn’t gone completely to zero. I should still give her a little more personal space, it’s unlikely that she will be comfortable coexisting with me on the same intimate level as before..
I remind myself that I should be more friendly. She only remembers me as... a role...
I smile at her.
"I'm glad it's so. Of course I'll tell you. What do you want to know?"
She lowers her eyes somewhere to the floor, thinks.
"Do you know if my dad is okay?"
I should have known that would be her first question.
"Everything is stable. He's fine, but not much has changed." I can't say much about this.
"Understood.."
This seemed to upset her. I want to somehow comfort her, but I’m afraid to violate her boundaries... after all, now she doesn’t know who I am at all.
"What about Amia and Enanan? They probably don't understand why I don't text anything... maybe we should contact them?"
Still, no matter what happens, she is always the same Kanade.
"Don't worry, I told them." I had a lot of time to talk to them and tell them about what happened. You could say that N25 is taking a short vacation...
-"Oh, good.."
There was an unusually tense silence for a couple of minutes. I feel like she's nervous... I'm also nervous.
"Do you want to eat? I made soup this morning."
"Sounds good."
"Then let's go." Out of habit, I extend my hand to her so that she gets up. She doesn’t immediately understand why, but after a couple of seconds she takes my hand and I lead her to the kitchen. She walks tottering. Almost falls, tripping over her own hair. I hold her and don't let her fall. Same as before. I sit her down at the table and pour her some soup.
"It must be a strange feeling when your house is run by a person you don’t remember? I ask her while the food is spinning in the microwave.
"A little. But there is also a feeling that this is how everything should be. This was probably already usual to us, right?" She answers, placing her hand under her head and looking around the kitchen.
“It’s not all as I remember. Have I forgotten a lot?"
Is that so? It seems like not much has changed in the house since I started living here... except... yeah, I probably moved a couple of minor things...
"I think a little over a year. Based on the fact that you didn't recognize me right away..."
She sighs in surprise and shakes her head.
“You must be sad that I don’t remember you. Sorry."
The microwave beeps and I take out her bowl of soup. I put a plate in front of her and put a spoon next to her. I force myself to smile.
"Hope you'll enjoy it . I'll probably go prepare a place to sleep..."
Until she remembers me, I'll have to sleep somewhere... on the couch, for example...
It's very difficult for me to keep the role next to her. I'm very used to being able to trust her. But now... I can't. I have to lie a little. Just so as not to spoil her idea of me, which coincides only with who I pretended to be for a very long time...
I moved my things to the couch. She came to thank me for the soup and said it was delicious. I know it was delicious. She liked this soup before she lost her memory.
Then we went to bed. I felt very strange and somehow... inferior.
I woke up at about four in the morning... from the fact that she came to me.
"Mafuyu... sorry for waking you up. I couldn’t sleep.. and thought a little.. and, it seems, I remembered a bit more.."
A bit more. This formulation scares me. What if she remembered some part of the conflict and her trust in me was shaken...
I prop myself up on my elbows and sit, looking at her. It's just starting to get brighter, so there's barely enough light in the room to see.
"What did you remember?"
I ask, with a hoarse voice. After all, I just woke up. She sits down next to me.
"I remember you. We met in Sekai... I really wanted to save you. I also remember the first time we met in real life. It was a long time ago, right? It seems a lot has changed... was I able to help you?"
Ah... she remembered a lot. The good thing is that she didn't seem to change her opinion of me much.
"Hmm... in a way, yes. You have done a lot for me and I feel much better thanks to you. I think we should wait and you will remember everything yourself. But I'm glad to hear that you remembered me."
I can hardly overcome the desire to touch her, hug her... I feel warmer from the understanding that she remembers me, but I have to wait until she remembers more, but for now I will keep my distance... and this is a very unpleasant, cold feeling. I understand that now she is many times more dear to me than I am to her, and I understand that this is absolutely normal and she will soon remember everything, but this causes a sickening feeling of emptiness inside me.
“I barely know you, but I still feel like we’ve been together forever. There is something in talking to you. Something so familiar and comfortable."
She is kind as always. I smile at her. I want her to think it's sincere, but I know she'll understand when she remembers more.
“And I remember everything and feel that we really spent an eternity with each other.”
This is true. I think I can trust her with my whole life. In fact, I probably already trusted.
She yawns.
“I guess it’s time for me to go to bed. Good night, Mafuyu."
I nod.
"Good night, Kanade."
She leaves the room and I lay back on the couch. I look at the ceiling. Think. I want to cry again. She is with me, but I miss her so much. Soon she will remember everything... I really hope she remembers. She's too important to me. I can't stand it if she doesn't remember everything we went through together. I love her.
In the morning, when I finally woke up, I thought that I should take her to places that might help her remember something... and the first thing that came to mind was Phoenix Wonderland. Maybe we should really go there.
I get up from the couch and go to the kitchen. I think I'll finish the rest of the soup. And for Kanade I need to prepare something else... she needs to eat well.
I open the refrigerator. There are some vegetables.. and there is an egg left. Let it be. I'll make her scrambled eggs and some salad. What time is it now..? Nine o'clock in the morning. Apparently she's still sleeping. Well, I'll manage.
Having cooked the scrambled eggs and chopped the salad, I put everything on a plate and put it on the table. It seemed like something was missing. I decided to cut the apple and put it on the table. Now everything is ready.
I came to Kanade's room and knocked. From the other side a sleepy sigh was heard and the answer:
"A-ah.. I’ll be right there.."
While I was waiting for her, I realized that I myself would faint from hunger if I won't eat soon. While I was busy with breakfast for Kanade, I forgot to eat.
Kanade leaves the room, yawning, and looks at me questioningly.
"Good morning, Kanade. I made breakfast, let's go eat."
She smiles at me. So warm and sincere, but for some reason it still feels like my heart is freezing.
"Good morning. Thank you for cooking.."
I nod and we go to the kitchen. She sits down to eat, and I just pour the remains of yesterday’s soup into my bowl and put it in the microwave.
"I thought we should go somewhere... What do you think about a walk?"
I hope she has the strength to do this.
"Good idea. Where are we going?" she asks, poking a tomato with a fork.
"Phoenix Wonderland. We were there once, and I thought we should go there, maybe it will help you remember something..."
She nods. I take the bowl out of the microwave and also sit down at the table.
"How did you sleep?" I understand that she slept little, but just in case... I don’t know, in case some memory came to her in a dream...
"Not bad. And you?"
Well, except for the fact that someone woke me up at four in the morning...
"Fine."
We spend the rest of breakfast in silence. I'm washing the dishes. Then we get ready and go outside. The weather is not bad. Warm enough, but cloudy, so the sun doesn't dazzle. I know she should be happy about this. I take her hand. We enter the park. I remember that trip with all the Niigo.. I wonder if she will remember? We walk and she looks at everything around with interest.
"I think I remember that we were here... that day you got lost here... right?"
"That's exactly how it was. And you found me." I remember it like it was yesterday. She found me then. She often finds me... in many different ways.
"I remember... it’s so pleasant for me to remember. So many important moments for me. So much about you... and the rest of the Niigo members."
It warms my heart when she says that. But I still feel so empty. I still miss her terribly, even though she is here with me.
We walk a little more and then decide to head home. On the way, I suggest we stop at the store to buy some groceries because we have nothing left in the refrigerator.
“Sorry, Mafuyu, I’m already really tired of walking... let’s go a little later?”
I nod and in my head decide that I will walk her home and go alone. I don't feel comfortable leaving her alone for a long time, but she should rest. And I should buy food.
I'm bringing her home. Before I go to the store, we sit down to drink tea. As always, I do the fiddling with the dishes and making tea.
"Thank you for being so thoughtful, Mafuyu. You're so kind."
She smiles. I love it when she smiles, but I can’t shake the feeling that we are still from completely different times. And I'm also afraid that I'm annoying her.
I place a cup of tea in front of her. I know what tea she likes best. It's funny that if I had preferences, she wouldn't remember them now. I don't think I'll ever forget what she loves. It's weird, right? It doesn't matter how much I miss her old self. I'm always ready to help her. Even in such small gestures. I think that even if I lose my memory, she will be the first person I remember.
I don't know if I'll ever feel the same way again, even if she remembers everything. But I am ready to help her, even if I will forever remain with this emptiness in my chest. She did too much for me.
"Did you remember anything else?" I ask, watching her take a sip.
She puts the cup back on the table and looks at me.
"A little. Gradually the memories return, and I don’t even always notice it. In fact, it's a little tiring."
Understood. Then really, I guess I’ll leave her at home. Let her rest.
"Okay.. I'll go to the store. Stay here and rest. Ok?"
She nods. I get up from the table and leave the kitchen. While I'm getting ready, I'm mentally making a list of groceries that I need to buy. I go outside.
When I return home, it has already become cool outside. The sun is going down. The trip to the store turned out to be quite long.
The house is quiet, but I hear music somewhere. This melody... is very warm and sincere. But this was clearly not written by Kanade. She's very different. I go up to her room and knock.
"Huh? Come in."
I open the door. She is sitting on the bed with a music box. Now it’s clear what kind of melody this is. In her room, the curtains are drawn, as always, but a small stripe of light still breaks through them. Kanade looks at me. And I look at her, in such a dark room, and at one single ray of sun falling on the wall right next to her.
"Can I sit with you?"
She nods. I sit down next to you and almost immediately get lost in thoughts. And we sit like that, in silence, broken only by the melody playing from the box.
I return to reality only when the sun has already set and the room has plunged into complete darkness, no longer illuminated by anything. Kanade places her hand on top of mine.
"Mafuyu.."
I gasped. This was very unexpected, after probably half an hour spent in my thoughts.
"Ah..? Something happened?"
She giggles and shakes her head.
“It’s okay, Mafuyu. I have remembered.."
Huh? Remembered... what?
"I remember everything. It's still unclear, but I remember. From the doll exhibition to the moment you ran from your house to me."
I can not believe. For a couple of seconds I just look into her eyes, trying to realize that this is really happening. Then I sob and cuddle up to her.
"Kanade.."
She strokes my head, and I sob into her shoulder, clinging to her.
"Kanade, I missed you. I missed you terribly.."
Silence in response. She kisses my temple and silently continues to hug me.
"I love you." I say. I missed her so much. I could say a lot more but... I think that's enough. She is laughing. I don't know what's funny, but I'm glad she doesn't cry like me.
"I love you too, Mafuyu. And this feeling is the most important of all that I remember."
Her voice and touch give me that feeling of warmth that I've been missing, and I feel the icy puncture wound in my chest disappear.
"You brought groceries from the store... let's go put them in the refrigerator. And then we can go to bed. Today was a hard day."
She is right..
And I think it's time to move my things from the couch back to her room.