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First Time
I remember the first time I saw you, you were wearing that terrible sweater , the pastel pink sweater with the turtle neck. You thought you looked amazing and so did I but of course I didn't want you to know, so instead I made fun of you and the way you dressed, how you looked so soft and delicate.
It was so hard for me because I fell in love at first sight.
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Determined
I remember days after, feeling so bad, I didn't want to meet your eyes in hallways as we passed each other, yet you didn't let that stop you.
You continuously walked up to me, saying hi with a smile on your face, like we were supposed to be friends. My heart would flutter and instead of smiling back I would push you away with silence and simply walk off.
That didn't stop you though, you kept coming back but it was this one time that got me, this one time when you came up to me and said, "no matter how much you push me away, I'll always come back because I know this isn't who you are."
I almost choked because you were right.
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Silence
I remember the first time I sat with you at lunch, you were alone but it was easy to see it didn't bother you. You ate by yourself everyday.
I walked up to the table you were at and just sat down across from you and you looked up at me and gave the biggest smile I'd ever seen and it lit up your face.
You were beautiful and I couldn't handle it so I looked down and we ate in silence.
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Jealous
I remember this one time, it was after we had finally become friends, we were messing around acting like children but it wasn't just us two, there were others there because we'd made more friends over the next couple months.
As we were messing around, I had turned to tell you something, a joke I believe, but once I did I saw you and Hyunjin, you were smiling at Hyunjin but this smile was something else.
It was soft and gentle and the way you were looking at him was different than the way you looked at me. I just stood up and walked off, I even heard you call my name but I was too angry to care.
I was too jealous.
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Lie
When I had told you the next day that the reason I had left the table was because something had come up, you looked at me worried.
"It was nothing terrible was it?" You had said, I lied and said it was about a late assignment I had forgotten to do and you nodded as if you believed me but I could see on your face you didn't.
You kept glancing at me afterwards, like you were trying to figure something out but I just kept looking off like you weren't staring. I felt terrible because I had lied.
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Confusion
Yesterday you asked me if I wanted to go to the carnival with you, you told me it was just going to be us and no one else but you seemed shy and I wanted to ask why but I had decided not to.
You smiled when I said yes but you quickly said something after and for some reason it confused me, you said, "I like Hyunjin." I was looking at you because I was trying to figure out why you had just said that, why you would say that.
Instead, like usual, I nodded and said "I'm glad you found someone." But the thing is... you didn't look happy, you looked hurt.
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Pain
You didn't talk to me today, you kept glancing away every time I looked over at you. Every time I tried to come up to you in hallways, you'd quickly walk off and try acting like I wasn't there.
I was hurt, I had no idea what I had done wrong, was it my reaction to you liking Hyunjin? I'm sorry, I didn't know what to say because I was too busy trying not to hurt inside.
After school you didn't wait for me at my locker like usual, I saw you pass by and you were talking to Hyunjin, you didn't even look my way, when you were out of sight I started crying.
I let silent tears fall from my eyes as I got my things to go. I was in pain and you were the cause of it.
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Apology
You came up to me today, you came up to me this morning because you had heard that I had tripped and fell walking to school, when you saw the scrape on my forearm you touched it gently and then looked at me.
You're expression was what I really remember, you looked so sad and it made me sad, you hugged me and said "I'm sorry for yesterday, I don't know why I was being the way I was but please don't be mad and please still go with me to the carnival.." I was going to refuse.
I was going to tell you to go with Hyunjin and to leave me be but you started crying so I said "it's okay, I'll still go no matter what." Why'd you have to cry? We walked to class together and you started to cheer up which made me happy, when I saw Hyunjin I thought you were going to leave me but you stayed by my side the whole day.
How I wish I could say, "I love you".
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Shy
You asked me to come over today, when I said yes you gave me a shy smile but I made sure to ignore it. Now I can't get it out of my mind.
The way you asked "Jisung will you come to my house this afternoon?" Like you were telling me a secret that no one knew and how you looked down and smiled shyly when I said "yes, of course."
You have a beautiful smile, how I wish it were me instead of Hyunjin you liked because I love you and your beautiful smile.
But... why were you so shy?
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Teddy Bear
You wouldn't let go of your teddy bear while we were at your house. You kept fiddling with it and holding it close, what got me was the way you kept avoiding eye contact with me.
Did I do something? I want to apologize to you about how I reacted to you telling me about Hyunjin, maybe that will fixed things but I'm too nervous, I don't want to bring him up either...
I don't know what to do, we talk like normal but your body language says otherwise and it makes me afraid that you don't feel comfortable around me anymore...
I want to be that teddy bear, I want to be the one you hold.
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Never Ending
You were with Hyunjin today, I noticed how you looked at him again, it still isn't the same as when you look at me. You told me that we're going to the carnival in two days time and you were excited.
I'm not excited, I want you to go with Hyunjin. I want you to leave me alone because watching you today reminds me of how I'm never going to be the one by your side the way he'll be.
I want this pain to end but it seems it will never happen.
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Angry
I told you today that I didn't want to go to the carnival with you, you looked hurt, when you asked why, you looked like you wanted to cry.
"I want you to go with Hyunjin and confess." I had said. It was painful. What I don't understand is the way you looked at me. You looked at me square in the eye and you looked angry. You said, "I want to go with you. I won't go without you and I won't go with anyone else." And you marched off.
I had never seen you so angry before, it scared me. I don't understand what's happening but I don't like seeing you angry. I'll go if it'll make you happy.
I'm happy when you're happy...unless it's with Hyunjin...
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Worry
I walked up to you after what had happened earlier. You were at your locker putting things away and you were alone, I walked up and I had put a hand on your shoulder.
You looked at me but you didn't smile but you didn't look upset anymore. "I'll go with you, I'm sorry for what I had said." Then you did it, you chuckled. It was soft but it was loud enough for me to hear perfectly.
You turned to me and you hugged me. "Don't worry, I forgive you." The next thing you said surprised me and left me stiff, you said; "you're cute when you worry."
Can I please be the only one you say things like that too?
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Different
It's the day we go to the carnival, you've been really excited all day. I can't get my mind around that we're going to go alone, we're always alone but it's going to be different, I can feel it.
You're picking at your food so I say your name to get your attention, "Minho?" You look at me but you're looking at me differently. I'm not sure what it is but it's definitely different than usual.
"Jisung, pick me up at 6 tonight..." you say but you don't say anything else before you get up and walk off. What I don't fail to notice though is how red your ears are.
What's going on?
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Thoughts
I'm outside your house at 6 like you said, nervous and I don't know why. I keep thinking about how red your ears were during lunch. Why were they red?
I've been so confused, things have been off with you but it's been subtle. Like how you don't make eye contact with me or when you shrink into yourself and fiddle with your fingers or your shirt.
I want to ask how it's going with Hyunjin but I'm too scared to hear what I don't want to hear. That it's going amazing.
What's going on Minho?
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Regret
I remember this one time when we went to the movies and we chose to watch a horror movie even though you don't like them because they scare you easily. You were so confident you could sit and watch it all without looking away.
I remember how you ended up clutching to me with one arm but you continued to push through. You had no idea how red my face was, how I couldn't focus on the movie because of that small thing.
When the movie ended, I made so much fun of you because I knew you were scared but internally I was so proud. I was so close to confessing to you that night but I didn't want to ruin anything.
I really wish I did.
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Questions
We're sitting out in the car in the parking lot outside the carnival, you haven't uttered a word and nor have I. I'm afraid to break the silence because you seem tense, you won't stop looking at your lap or looking out the window; anywhere else but me. I can't take it. So I speak.
"Minho?" You look up at me with your puppy like eyes, that I can never look into for more than a second.
"huh?" I advert my eyes unable to make eye contact, I focus on a strand of hair by the corner of your eye that just doesn't seem to want to stay in place. I'm tempted to fix it but I know I shouldn't.
"You okay? You've been a little out of it? Ooh is it because you miss your Hyunjinnniieeee~" I ask, I try to tease you to see if that'll lighten the mood but it doesn't seem to work in the slightest. You huff and you simply say, "No, I'm not okay."
And I don't know what to say.
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Dissimulate
We acted like nothing had happened, we got out of the car and we went into the carnival. I felt bad, I wanted to ask you what was wrong, why you weren't okay but I couldn't bring myself to. It was as if something was caught in my throat and I couldn't get it out so it left my words trapped in. I'm sorry Minho...
I don't know how I keep making things worse.
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Dense
It wasn't until we were sitting at a bench that you chuckled and decided to talk about what was on your mind. I was relieved because I had kept stressing the whole night. You had turned your body towards me and you were shaking your head. I remember asking "What's up?"
You chuckled and sighed "Han Jisung, you have got to be the most dense person in the history of ever." All I said was "huh?" You had chuckled more and sighed, "Jisung... I like you and I've realized that if I don't say this now, I'm never going to and you're never going to realize it. I know I said I like Hyunjin, although I only think of him as a brother... I had honestly just wanted to see your reaction, I wanted to see if there was any sign of you liking me back and when you kept cheering me on and teasing me, it made me upset because I was doing everything and anything to make you realize that I. Like. You. But it didn't work so here I am."
I was speechless and had nothing to say as everything had finally made sense but I didn't want to have any regrets again when it came to you so I hugged you, I hugged you so tight you had to beg me let go because you couldn't breathe. I let you go, grabbed you by the shoulders, made eye contact and said simply, "I like you too."
And you smiled.
End