Work Text:
It was a beautiful day in the end of the summer. People were by the grill, in the pool, and scattered across the house. Frank Sinatra was playing loudly by the pool. The Cusamanos had all their doors locked.
“Where’s the bathroom?” Livia asked, in the kitchen.
“What do you mean where’s the bathroom, ma? You been here 5 times already.” Tony held her elbow.
“Egh.” Livia gestured at him dismissively and walked away.
“I’ll take her.” Carmela begrudgingly caught up with Livia to guide her to the bathroom.
“She forgets,” Junior defended Livia since Tony looked disgruntled with her.
“She forgets where the bathroom is but she don’t forget the time I took my father’s car when I was 10.”
“It was a nice car.” Junior shrugged. He looked around the room, admiring it. “It’s a beautiful house Hugh built. Sturdy. Shame he can’t be here to see it.”
“It’s my fault he’s afraid of a woman? She’s my mother. I’m not gonna let her into my own house?”
“It’s just a shame is all.”
“Tony.” Artie put his head around the back door. “Grill’s ready.”
“You took your time,” Junior criticized him. “It’s like fuckin’ Ethiopia in here.”
Artie gave him a dirty look and went back outside.
“Ignore him, Arthur.”
Artie gave Charmaine a dismissive hand gesture and went back to the grill.
“How much you think this set him back?” Paulie asked all the men who were stood around the grill.
“Hard to say…” Silvio shrugged. “Hugh built it.”
“400,” Pussy guessed.
“Gotta be more. Nice area like this?” Jackie disagreed.
“It’s Jersey…” Johnny Sack said while smoking a cigarette. “You can get a castle for 200.”
All the men from Jersey looked at him with disdain.
Tony came over and smacked Artie in the face with a raw sausage. “Who invited Cal Ripken?”
Artie playfully acted like he was going to punch him. “Ah… you!”
“You got anything low fat?” Johnny asked as Tony put sausages and burgers on the grill. “Ginny’s on a diet.”
Everyone tried to keep their facial expressions neutral.
“Yeah, we got some water over there in the sink.” Tony gestured back to the house.
Everyone but Johnny laughed.
Christopher came over to them carrying two crates of beer, sweaty and flustered. “Sorry I’m late, T. I lost–”
All the men grabbed beers from the crates before Christopher could even finish speaking.
“You got more?” Tony asked as he opened his.
“Yeah. I got all the ones you asked for.” Christopher was offended that Tony even asked. He put the crates down and got out a beer for himself. “They’re out in the ca–”
Tony took the beer from his hand. “What do you think you’re doing? Go get ‘em.”
“I can’t have a break?! The crates are heavy, Ton.”
“Heavy? You should start going to the gym,” Pussy suggested.
Everyone laughed.
“You’re one to fuckin’ talk!” Christopher pointed at Pussy’s belly, overreacting because he was high on coke. “When’s the last time you lifted anything besides a fork?!”
Everyone exclaimed.
“Watch your fuckin’ mouth, kid!” Pussy pointed in his face.
Artie subtly backed away, scared of violence erupting.
“Who the fuck do you think you are?!” Tony pulled Christopher away from Pussy’s vicinity before things escalated, holding him by his shirt’s collar. “Apologize to Pussy!”
Everyone stared at him but no apology happened.
“It was a very insensitive thing you said…” Johnny didn’t like the weight jokes.
“Know your place, Chrissy,” Silvio said sternly.
“Sorry.” Christopher brushed Tony’s hand from his collar and stormed away to get the beers.
“Sorry, Puss,” Tony apologized further. “He was out of order.”
“Water under a duck’s back,” Pussy combined two expressions into one.
Christopher almost knocked Livia off her feet as he walked into the house, dropping her purse to the floor.
Junior grabbed her before she could fall. “What’s the matter with you?! She coulda broke a hip, for chrissakes! She’s an old lady!”
“I am no such thing!” Livia looked angrier with Junior than with Christopher.
“Sorry, Mrs Soprano.” Christopher picked up her purse and the things that fell out of it. He handed it to her. “Tony told me to go get something… I wasn’t lookin’ where I was going.”
“You go do what my Tony wants you to do.” Livia gave him a sickly sweet smile and patted him on the arm. She sat down at a dining chair.
Junior scowled at Christopher and he sheepishly avoided looking at Junior as he walked away.
“I am no old lady,” Livia couldn’t move on from what Junior had said.
“You got a bus pass, don’t you?”
Upstairs, Carmela showed Gabriella and Rosalie the rooms of the house. “And here’s the master bedroom…” She opened the door.
“Beautiful…” Gabriella shook her head in awe.
Rosalie gasped, leaning through the doorway. “You got a TV in here?!” She was more impressed by that than anything else.
“4 in the main house and 1 in the pool house.”
Rosalie and Gabriella sounded impressed.
AJ walked out from the bathroom and headed towards his room.
“Where do you think you’re going, young man?” Carmela asked. “You should be outside with everybody else.”
“If it’s a house warming party, why does everyone have to be outside?” AJ was actually confused by the idea.
“Out.” Carmela sternly pointed for him to go downstairs. “And put your sunscreen on!”
AJ sighed and walked down the stairs. He entered the kitchen. “Hi, Grandma, Uncle Junior,” he said as he walked past them. He walked into the yard and immediately looked for food.
“Fat, that one.” Junior watched him from the doorway.
“He’s a growing boy, Junior,” Livia grew more annoyed with him.
“Growin’ in what direction?”
AJ squinted at the sunlight and headed over to Tony.
“Look who it is!” Paulie animatedly gestured at AJ when he walked over. “Little lord Soprano!”
“I’m hungry,” AJ ignored him and spoke straight to Tony.
“Speak to him, he’s the chef.” Tony gestured to Artie with his head while he flipped burgers.
“I’m here strictly on a friendly basis only, Anthony.” Artie held his hands up apologetically. “I’m off duty today.”
“What are you, a cop?” Johnny mocked him.
“Officer Moozadell! Heh, heh,” Paulie joined in.
“Can I at least get a snack?” AJ whined at Tony.
“Chris-tuh-fuh!” Tony yelled across the yard to him as he put down more crates of beer, near Meadow and Kelly Blundetto. “Get Anthony some chips!”
Meadow and Kelly laughed at him for being bossed around.
“Shut up,” Christopher said as he walked away.
“I can get the chips, Ton,” Artie offered to help, seeing no reason for him to do it.
“No, let him do it.” Tony glared at Christopher from the corner of his eye.
“Mom!” Meadow yelled when Carmela came onto the lawn. “Take a picture of me and Kelly!” She held up the disposable camera that was being passed around.
Carmela nodded and gestured for them to come over. “Sometimes, I swear they’re like sisters.”
“Sad about her father…” Gabriella said as the girls ran over to them. “Misses all the good moments.”
“Misses all the bad ones too.” Rosalie shrugged as she lit a cigarette.
The girls came over to them and gave Carmela the camera. “Take a few. And make sure your finger’s not over the lens like last time.”
“Yes, Meadow.” Carmela was unimpressed with being bossed around by a child. She put the camera to her eye and looked through it. “Don’t you two look just adorable.” She smiled. “Your father will love to see this when we get them printed.”
“Say provolone!” Tony yelled as the camera snapped.
The girls laughed.
“We have provolone?” AJ asked with raised eyebrows.
“I dunno, ask your mother.” Tony shrugged as he flipped burgers.
AJ turned around and tugged on Carmela’s arm. “Mom, do we have provolone?”
“I got some this morning.” Carmela pulled her arm away from him.
AJ turned back around and tugged on Tony’s arm. “Dad, we have provolone!”
Tony looked down at him and then over his shoulder into the kitchen. “Chris-tuh-fuh!” he yelled again. “Provolone!”