Work Text:
“We’ll finally be able to say goodbye to this stronghold!”
Ken looked up towards the top of the building. He could hear a lot of loud noises. Did everyone from Anteiku get into this mess because of him? “I’m sorry, Banjou-san, everyone. Please go on ahead. It seems there aren’t any investigators or Aogiri members about 1 kilometer ahead.”
“Kaneki?” Banjou-san called out in confusion.
“There’s something I still need to do,” he told Banjou. Somehow, his senses heightened and he could distinguish the noises and one stood out in particular; several people (ghouls?) against one. He had to go see them and make sure that they’re alive so he hurried and got rid of the rotten beans that were surrounding Nishio-senpai.
“You?” Nishio-senpai’s face couldn’t hold the shock as he looked at Ken. Well, his hair did turn white.
“Nishio-senpai,” Ken acknowledged, not even blinking twice at what he just did.
“Ka-Kaneki?! You were...okay? I mean...Weren’t you in danger?” So even Nishio-senpai was this worried. He feels bad for making them worry this much. “Huh? What is-”
“Senpai…I have to go.” He has yet to see one person and for some reason and he needs to make sure that she’s still alive.
“Oh… Yeah.”
Since Nishio-senpai was here, wouldn’t that mean all that noise from above is Touka-chan? Is she fighting someone? He headed towards the source of the noise, the rooftop.
His eyes widened at Touka-chan’s fallen state as his heart beat in fear, relief, and anger. Her once beautiful wings reduced to nothing but dying embers tainted in blood. He had to- A figure walked over her, just looking at her. That’s Ayato-kun, isn’t it? Why is he just hovering over Touka-chan? What was he waiting for? Why hadn’t he killed her yet?
“Don’t leave me alone…,” he heard her whisper out. He knew that behind her strength, Touka-chan was just a ‘normal’ person who wanted to live her life the way she wanted, but he never thought that her of all people would be lonely since there always seemed to be someone around her, since she always seemed so different from him.
Maybe… They’re more alike than he first thought.
Ayato-kun extended his kagune, ready to strike and end it all. “Sleep!”
Ken leaned his weight towards his toes and hurried to grab her before Ayato-kun’s attack could reach her. “I won’t,” he promised.
Ayato-kun’s face contorted in fury, but Ken didn’t flinch, instead he returned it with a steady glare of his own. Touka-chan has done a lot for him, like the times he accidently got into fights with Nishio-senpai or when she trained him or when she helped him from being eaten by Tsukiyama-san or when she tried to stop Yamori from taking him from Anteiku. Almost all of those times, she risked herself, sometimes, her life, and he had yet to do anything to repay her.
This time would be different. This time he’ll be the strong one.
A trembling voice asked, “Y...You are Kaneki… right?” He looked down to find her confused and terrified. Her eyes were glazed over in shock and she was shaking. Huh… Somehow Touka-chan seemed smaller than he expected (she always seem to have this larger-than-life presence to him). But she still fit comfortably in his arms, despite her shaking.
“Touka-chan…Did you come to save me?” She came for him. She did, otherwise why else would she be here? To pay her brother back? That seemed unlikely. He almost wanted to smile, because it felt like there was someone still looking out for him, but he looked at the whole picture.
“Y-You…” Just look at her, look at how hurt she is, look at how battered and bruised she is. With her in his arms, he could feel her back with cold blood dampening the back of her shirt. There was even blood staining her shoulder. How could Ayato-kun do this to his own sister?
“You’re so beaten up.” His grip tightened. “And it’s all my fault…” How could he let this happen? If he hadn’t gotten captured back then, then she wouldn’t have to go through any of this. Her current state is all his fault! If only he wasn’t so weak, he could have prevented all of this! “I’m sorry.” But apologizing once isn’t enough.
Her mere expression made his heart twist and cry. She looked worried, she looked so weak she looked like she was going to cry. “But what…did they… do to you…” Her eyesight began wobbling and she looked like she was tired. “Idi…ot,” she mumbled out before she fell unconscious.
He wanted to touch her, cradle her, comfort her, so that she wouldn’t be so scared. He wanted whisper apologies and sweet words, so that she would understand how much her very presence meant to him. Unfortunately, there was another problem.
Sharp kagune crystals were hurled at him, cutting into his back. It didn’t really hurt though.
“Kaneki!” Nishio-senpai shouted.
Touka-chan didn’t get hurt, did she? He nearly sighed in relief, she’s still ok. After a quick glance over, she seemed fine, but not for much longer if he continued to hold her. “I’m fine.” This pain isn’t anything to be worried about. “Senpai, take Touka-chan.”
“Kaneki,” Nishio-senpai called out as he threw him something.
“Senpai?” Was this his mask?
“Use it!” he commanded. “It’ll get you fired up, won’t it?”
Fired up?“...Thank you.” Still, Ken put it on as he heard someone take a single step towards him. Ken looked directly at his opponent, unfaltering.
“Your appearance has changed significantly, hasn’t it, you eyepatch bastard. Heh…” Ayato-kun sneered “I thought you’d have definitely already died a long time ago!” Ayato-kun took his stance and a barrage of kagune shards shoot out towards him. “Well, you’re going to die now though, huh?!” But he could still read the attack patterns. “What’s wrong Eyepatch?! Try attacking me!” Another attack towards the left. “Strike back!” Then one towards the right. “Come and kill me!”
‘Kill?’ Kill Touka-chan’s brother?
“I can’t do that.”
“...!”
“If I do something like that, Touka-chan would be sad because you are her one and only little brother.” He couldn’t take her family away from her, no matter how terrible Ayato-kun is. Besides, Touka-chan would probably rather have him alive than dead. “Even though you’re an Aogiri member and the ringleader of all the people who hurt Touka-chan… Killing you is impossible.”
Ayato scoffed at his decision. “Che! Your appearance has changed, but your character hasn’t. ‘Killing me is impossible’? As usual, naive.”
And now their conversation is done. Ken extended his kagune and forced Ayato-kun down into the building.But since he was the one who hurt Touka-chan, Ayato-kun should be punished, so…“Therefore, Ayato-kun, I will only half-kill you. ”
He coughed out a little blood before he demanded to know, “Half… kill me? Don’t underestimate me just because you got in one surprise attack…Bastard.”
Let’s see, considering his kagune type and previous attacks, “Ayato-kun, your kagune takes up resources in a long range fight.” If he just calmly assesses everything, then he can deduce Ayato-kun’s weakness. “This place… is narrow, isn’t it?”
“Che-!”
Ken grabbed him by the collar. “If you’re locked in a cage then you can’t spread your wings sufficiently.” Then he kicked him in the stomach. “You and Touka-chan are siblings,” he reminded with a small glare as he remembered Touka-chan’s fallen state. “So it’s not good to be violent towards her.”
“Bastard. You don’t have any persuasive power…” Ayato-kun grumbled out as he summoned his kagune. Then tried pelleting him with another array of kagune shards. “Fucker!”
“Ayato-kun, I think you are capable. But if you’re weaker than Yamori, I’m going to win.”
“Don’t prattle on and on…Listening to your repetitive pretentious speeches makes me laugh, bastard. ‘Inadequate in close combat’? Ridiculous. Close combat is my specialty!” he declared as his wings fully extended.
He’s faster than before! And his attacks are sharper! Within a single instance, he seemed like he was on a different level!
He can’t keep up with this…Ken fell down to the ground, wondering.
But there was one point that Ken couldn’t deny and that was Touka-chan was still alive. If Ayato-kun really wanted to kill her, he would’ve done so already. Why was that? Ayato-kun didn’t kill her despite all his chances. Like back at Anteiku and just now…
So why? If he had this much power, then why?
Ken remembered the way Ayato-kun simply hovered over Touka-chan, his expression as he taunted his sister, yet did nothing to attack her in that moment. Back then and back at Anteiku, he wasn’t trying to kill her, he didn’t have the bloodlust for it.
Oh, could it be…?
Ayato-kun stopped his attacks and smirked. “How about that, you half-assed bastard? You were careless.”
“...I seemed to be pretty tenacious,” he answered as his body repaired itself. “If it’s as damaging, then emotional things have always had a greater effect on me.” Seeing that Ayato-kun remained quiet, Ken continued to asked, “Hey, how about telling me ‘your secret’?”
“Haah?!” Ayato-kun’s eyes narrowed. “My secret…? What the hell? I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
“What are you trying to do in Aogiri?”
“Haah?! I’m just trying to kill some shitty humans!” Joining an organization like this for a petty reason like that?
“Wrong, that doesn’t match what’s in your heart.”
“It’s not like you’d have any way of knowing that dumbass.” Harsh words, but they’re just a defensive mechanism from people digging too deep into the details. He’s really Touka-chan’s brother.
“I understand now that I’ve tried fighting you that you are indeed strong, it seems like Yamori really hated you. I think he didn’t try to fight you because he recognized your real strength.” How long would it take him to get that strong?
Ayato-kun gritted his teeth. “Shut up and listen… People who blather on and on like they know everything are so irritating!”
Oh, what should he do? At this rate, Ayato-kun won’t listen. Ken grabbed him by the ears and kneed him in the head. That should keep him quiet for a bit. “Shut up and listen just like that, I’m talking.”
“Don’t take me...lightly! You’ve made me sick since the very beginning… Your expression, attitude, and way of talking! They make me remember my shitty father and it’s too disgusting to bear!” But he got angry again. At this point, Ken should just get to the point, shouldn’t he? Otherwise, this conversation will go nowhere.
“Yamori was strong. I fought him, so I know. At Anteiku, Touka-chan threw herself at Yamori, but if she had fought him like that, she would have been killed.” And the only reason why she was alive was because of the boy in front of him. “You forced your way in a dealt her one blow.” Even then, one blow could be fatal, but Touka-chan is still breathing.
“Che… I wish I had beaten the hell out of her one more time…”
“You protected her, didn’t you? So that Touka-chan wouldn’t be killed.” Ayato-kun protected her in the only way he could without arising any suspicion about his loyalty towards Aogiri. “If you had fought her with the intent to kill, then the outcome would have been reached a long time ago.”
What was he looking for in Aogiri? To protect? Just what did Ayato-kun have to give up in order to protect what little he had? If it’s like how Rize said, then Ayato-kun gave up being with Touka-chan and became her enemy in order to protect her. If Ken wants to protect, will he have to do the same? What will he have to give up?
“It’s amazing that your delusions got so far, have you gone mad?” So Ayato-kun’s just going to stay quiet about that… Oh well. “I can’t understand a single thing you’re saying-”
Ken quickly kicked him in the gut to stop him from moving. “Well then, I’m finished talking,” Ken concluded as his own kagune extended out. “Like I said-” He pushed Ayato-kun down to the next floor, I’ll half kill you.”
It’s fine to get a little angry, right? Even if Ayato-kun was trying to protect Touka-chan, he rendered her kagune to that kind of state. Was he even thinking about the long term effects that it would have on Touka-chan? As long as he doesn’t completely kill him, it’s fine. Isn’t it fine? As long as he can still live, isn’t it fine if this is the punishment that he’s giving to Ayato-kun?
He listed off the bones as he broke each one. Ayato-kun spat out blood as he cried out in pain. Even this isn’t enough, this isn’t equivalent to Touka-chan’s pain, now is it? After all, what could hurt more than having your own family member hurt you like that? Ayato-kun was having trouble screaming now. Well, half of his bones did get crushed.
“Does it hurt? I think Touka-chan has experienced more pain than that.”
--------------------------
“Kaneki!” Banjou-san called out. “How’d your errand go?…It’s finished, isn’t it?”
“Banjou-san…” It doesn’t look like they had too many casualties. “Yes.”
Yomo-san turned his head towards the building. Above a helicopter wings clanked towards the building they just escaped. “…Looks like it’s over.”
Ken took off his mask and looked in the same direction. But it’s not really over is it? Aogiri could do things like this again. Didn’t Yamori say that Anteiku was on Aogiri’s list of enemies to get rid of?
Aogiri is powerful. It took a lot of power to escape and a lot of power to get him back. He couldn’t even save everyone (partially because they were powerful but mainly because he was useless). But…this is just one part of Aogiri and only a few of the top members were here. Exactly how big is that organization? How strong are all of its members? How strong is the One Eyed King?
If he wants to protect those at Anteiku, then he’ll need to get rid of those who can’t appreciate the value of life, he needs to get rid of those rotten coffee beans. He’ll need power, much more power especially if there are ghouls stronger than Yamori.
“Hey you…” she called out softly to bring him back to reality. Ken nearly sighed in relief. Thank goodness. She looks at lot better than before even though her face is still a little pale. “What are you gonna do about your hair color when we go back? When you’re standing around the shop you’re going to stand out a lot.”
He smiled, hoping that Touka-chan would just remain the way she is. But if she did that, then it wouldn’t be safe for her. She came for him this time and she could have died. All of them could have died yet they chose to come to rescue him anyways. He could have lost them.
He can’t let this happen again. He wants to protect them, he’ll protect them and this time it’ll be different, this time, he won’t lose anything as long as he devotes himself to a single goal. He has to get stronger, much stronger, so right now, he only had only way of getting stronger and protecting them.
“I won’t be returning to Anteiku,” he declared. “There are things I want to do. I need to prepare for that, and I’m going to get stronger. There are also a lot of things I want to find out. I just don’t have enough time.”
He’ll have to apologize to Hide for leaving him by himself in Asian History, but he’ll have to move fast if he wants to accomplish anything. Besides, Hide is different from him. Even if he’s gone, Hide can find more friends to be around. Hide’s always been a likeable person so he definitely won’t be lonely.
“Ka…Kaneki,” Banjou-san called out again, “This time we were saved thanks to you. I would like to help you too.” R-Really? “Whether I’m being a ‘shield’ or a gopher, anything is fine. You probably don't need me though…”
Ken smiled and extended his hand towards him. “Thank you, Banjou-san. That’ll be a big help. Let’s do our best together.”
“Y-Yeah!”
“If Banjou-san is going, then we will also…”
“I’d be worried that he’d just drag Kaneki-san down.” At least like this, he doesn’t have to be alone all the time. Besides, it would be better to move with more numbers rather than by himself.
Someone cheerfully clapped in the distance. “That plan is splendid!” Geh! “If Banjoi is the ‘shield’, then I will be the ‘sword’. I’ll clear away your thorny path. I will become your knight,” Tsukiyama-san declared as he kneeled down in front of him.
“Tsukiyama-san…” Ken acknowledged in distaste, “Come to think of it, you’re actually alive, huh?” Touka-chan beat him up pretty hard last time yet he still survived. He’s a persistent one, isn’t he?
“There are still too many things I want to experience for me to die. Can I be useful to you, Kaneki-kun?”
“Kaneki….,” Nishio-senpai called, “If you approve of him…”
As long as he keeps his guard up and Banjou-san and the others are around, it would be hard for Tsukiyama-san to eat him.Regardless of the fact that this purple haired creep tried to eat him several times, he’s strong and he has several connections throughout the ghoul world. Besides, time is precious and having connection and knowledge will speed up the process.
“Tsukiyama-san, it’d certainly be reassuring to have you as an ally. Please lend me a hand. But…” Ken leaned in and whispered, “If you do unnecessary things then I will kill you so please take care.”
Tsukiyama-san quivered in…delight? Should he start regretting his decision now?
“Ka…Kaneki,” her soft voice called out, “Me too…” She can’t! “I will also—“
“Touka-chan, aren’t you going to college?”
Touka-chan can’t fight right now, not with her kagune destroyed. She needs to be protected. And he’s not sure if he could protect her if she’s this close. Touka-chan can’t be around him anymore. It’s too dangerous if she’s too close. If she’s this close to him from here on out, he could lose her just like…
“Hah?” He couldn’t tell, was she angry at him or shocked?
“Don’t you have to take exams next year? You have to start studying soon.” Didn’t she want to live aside humans? Moreover, if she suddenly disappears, she wouldn’t be able to go back to her ‘normal’ lifestyle so easily! “The shop’s probably going to be a bit short-staffed now. I’ll occasionally drop for some coffee. I’d like to see your latte art again, Touka-chan. Your rabbit pictures are good… I like them.”
As long as she’s alive, that’s good enough!
He smiled gently to keep the fear from seeping through. “See you later, Touka-chan.”
When she ran away, there was a pang of pain, but Ken did his best to ignore it. If he runs after her now, then there would have been no point in pushing her away. He had to do this, so he doesn’t lose her.
“Ah, oi Touka!” Nishio-senpai called out after her. “Kaneki! You… Um, oh yeah! Don’t do something reckless! And don’t die, you shitty brat!” Was that his way of saying ‘take care’? Well, if Nishio-senpai is like that, then Touka-chan shouldn’t be too lonely in his absence.
“It was worth the effort coming to see you for myself. That mask has started to suit you,” Uta-san observed, “You are kind.”
Did Uta-san notice his intentions towards Touka-chan? But, weren’t there more important things to focus on right now? There was no time to waste.
Ken gazed up at the bright moon, remembering the words that investigator spoke out. He says that it’s the ghouls who are the ones messing up this world. There’s no doubt that there’s something wrong with this world, but if something’s corrupting it, wouldn’t that be everything that exists in this world?
--------------------------
He only noticed when he was alone. Now on his pale, pale wrist, there were a handful of red tally marks from fruitless crushes (including Rize) and a single black tally mark. Where did that come from? No one, no one could-! His wrist shook, even as his other hand forced it to still, it still shook. (Was it out of denial or maybe even fear?)
Who would love him?
He thought and thought, pondering such an, an…absurd question. Recently… Recently, he had only been around Touka-chan. Ok, not only Touka-chan, but she’s the only one who he could think of for something like this to happen. Or rather, he would like it to be her…But why would she love something as broken as him? She deserved more, so why-
His eyes widened slightly in realization as his wrist ceased its shaking.
Ah, so that’s why.
That explains his actions towards her. Why else would he make sure that Ayato-kun was thoroughly punished for what he did to Touka-chan? Why else did he desperately make sure that she was safe? Why else would he be that insistent on pushing her towards a more ‘normal’ lifestyle where she wouldn’t have to constantly worry about surviving through another battle?
He thinks that he indeed might love her, but he couldn’t love her now. If he really loved her, then shouldn’t he stay away from her? Isn’t this the right choice?
And yet, there’s still a small part of him that acknowledges loneliness without her.
Eventually, his thoughts would come back to her. Though he refused to see her or even ask Hinami how she was doing. It was better this way, safer with her under the protection of Anteiku.
He wondered how she was doing with her studies. He remembers that she wasn’t that good at Japanese Literature, was she any better now? (He would’ve liked to help her if she was still having problems…)
Which university was she thinking about? Which major is she thinking about? Probably not a literature major like him or a pharmacy major like Nishio-senpai, but what was she interested in? Would she try to go into the history department? Or even become a science major? Well, whatever she chooses, he hopes that she can finish. Depending on what university she choses, the workload might be pretty tough.
He hopes that she can be happy.
--------------------------
“I heard a rumor that recently, the rabbit masked Ghoul has been killing doves.” She couldn’t have- “Don’t think too deeply about that, but keep it in mind.”
He nodded in thanks. The rabbit masked… She couldn’t be!
That one little rumor did wonders in his thoughts. Even when he was training Banjou-san, all he could think about was her. Though Banjou-san didn’t seem to notice (he was busy trying not to fall off the top of the roof).
Maybe a shower would help clear his mind. So he stepped into the shower soon after he and Banjou-san returned to their apartment where everyone else was waiting. But even though the water was noisy, he could clearly hear a bit of Banjou-san and Hinami-chan’s conversation.
“I can’t do anything. But I can keep someone company. So I want to be together with Onii-chan in place of Onee-chan because… Onii-chan seems so lonely.”
Did he really seem that lonely? It’s true that he spent a majority of his time with Touka-chan or Hide, but there are still people he can have a good conversation with here. He feels bad for making Hinami-chan worry, since this seemed to be the main reason why she left, but there was something else that he was feeling, rather than guilt… It almost made him-
“I am an adult! I’m older than you are, idiot!”
With that kind of reaction from Banjou-san, Tsukiyama-san must be here. He should get out of the shower before they break something again. He sighed as he turned off the water then headed out to decide on their current action.
“I was also thinking about going to the 20th ward as well. There’s something I want to check up on.”
The rabbit masked ghoul and the Dove killings…He just really hoped that the ghoul in the rumor wasn’t Touka-chan. Now that he thinks about it… “It’s been 7 months, huh?” Touka-chan’s birthday should be soon. “Hinami-chan, will you be coming along?”
“Is it really okay?” Touka-chan would be happy to see her.
“Don’t leave my side though.”
“Okay!”
He needed to check to see if this was just a rumor. “Let’s go to the 20th ward.”
--------------------------
Even though it wouldn’t make up for the fact that he hasn’t visited her at all, it was still her birthday. A little rabbit charm wishing for luck for tests caught his eye. Since she’s studying for her entrance exams, something like this would be good right?
“Excuse me, can I get this one?”
“Is that a present, Kaneki-kun? It’s a bit dull, isn’t it?”
“This is fine.” Since he wasn’t sure if she liked things like jewelry. To begin with, he’s never bought a girl a present before (and Touka-chan doesn’t like books), so isn’t something like this fine? But whether she’ll like it or not is a completely different matter…Or she could already have something like this.
But if he were to ask a question like that to either one of his companions, they’ll get suspicious.
“Kaneki, are you ok?”
“I’m fine,” he answered as he put the little phone charm in his pocket. “We should hurry over to the hospital before something happens to Hinami-chan.”
It would be nice if he could give it to her in person, but logically it would be better and safer if he didn’t. Besides, he didn’t know how she would react if he suddenly came to her. Honestly speaking, he was afraid to know. Oh, isn’t that Yoriko-chan?
“Is there something that I can help you with?” she asked as he approached the table. “Oh? Aren’t you Touka-chan’s-?”
He placed the rabbit charm on the table and muttered, “For Touka-chan” before leaving. He heard a loud screech of the chair and a blur of footsteps. He hurried away to meet up with Banjou-san. Yoriko-chan didn’t look like she could run that fast so he had plenty of time to get far away from Touka-chan.
Soon, he saw her run out of the library, panting and out of breath.
“Is it really okay not to meet with her?” Banjou-san asked.
“...Yeah. I want to distance Touka-chan from the ghoul world as much as possible…” So she could be safe. “And I’m also an inhabitant of that world…”
Judging by the way she was running and how she couldn’t sense his presence earlier, it doesn’t look like she’s the one who was killing the investigators. There’s only one person who could possibly imitate Touka-chan in her attack style and her rabbit moniker. So, even now Ayato-kun’s still trying to protect Touka-chan.
Well at least there are still people looking out for her. She probably doesn’t feel lonely even if he isn’t there.
--------------------------
Immense guilt washed over him. He knows that he shouldn’t stay like this and people will worry if he just stays up here, but…if he doesn’t gather his thoughts soon, he doesn’t know what he should do. What has he even been doing all this time? Even though he was determined to throw away everything that made him weak, he ended up forgetting why he did all that in the first place?
Is the path he’s going on the right one? Is the way that he’s doing things the best way? Just..Just what does he have to do to make sure that he isn’t left alone again? He held his trembling wrist. What does he have to do to protect the people around him?
Anteiku was another home, but seeing that Yoshimura-san was the reason why Aogiri was created, can he still think of it as a home? Can he trust it as being a home? Or is it just an illusion? If that’s the case, then where should he go?
He needed answers.
“Long time no see, Kaneki-kun,” Yoshimura-san greeted familiarly.
“Yeah.” It’s been too long since he’s seen the break room. “Today, I came to take to you. I am going to ask you frankly. The leader of Aogiri Tree…The One-Eyed King… No, the One Eyed Owl, is your child, isn’t it, Yoshimura-san?”
And so Yoshimura-san told his story. He didn’t bother to leave out any details.
“Kaneki-kun, it’s like I said at one point, you are the only existence that has two places to belong. The ‘thing’ that you are trying to throw away and your ‘half part’ both make up portions of that. You can still choose to fix it.” But-but, his human side…After the things that he’s done can he really return? He’ll never be the same- “Won’t you come back to Anteiku, Kaneki-kun?”
His question was so simple, yet so difficult. What was he supposed to chose?
“I…will answer the question at another time, Yoshimura-san. I have some things to do.”
“I hope to see you soon, Kaneki-kun,” Yoshimura-san said as his back bent down a little. He was looking towards the cup in the cupboard…“Next time, I will brew you another cup of coffee,” he promised with a smile.
Ken nodded and tried to keep his head up as he walked out the door, but somehow he ended up looking towards the ground. Where was he supposed to go? He sluggishly hiked up the steps and found himself unable to move, unable to think straight.
His human side, his weak side, isn’t it only a nuisance? After all, because of his weakness, so many people died. Because of that, he was forced to rely on others and he created a lot of burdens. Isn’t his ghoul side enough? Or is he just covering up his weakness with this facade?
He heard a stampede of footsteps and stopped. Who-?
Then right before him was the girl that he had been avoiding for so long. Out of breath and in slight disarray, she stood so…close. “Touka-chan…” It felt like bliss to have her name roll off his tongue.
He noticed before, but didn’t really pay attention to how much she had changed physically. Her hair was longer and she seemed a little thinner than the last time (not as much muscle). But what really changed was the look in her eyes, she seemed more… vulnerable yet patient.
Would she be able to help him find an answer? “Touka-chan…I talked to the manager at Anteiku. I feel like that was the first time the manager ever told his own story.”
“...I see.” She’s changed more than her just her appearance. She’s a lot calmer than before and seems more willing to listen. He wasn’t sure how to feel about that change.
“He told me to come back to Anteiku.” Would she even want him to come back?
“And?”
He looked down at his hand, wanting to crack his fingers, and spoke honestly, “I don’t know. Will joining hands with the manager help me reach my goal or not?”
“And what is your goal?”
In the simplest terms, he answered, “ I want to protect everyone.” So that he doesn’t have to lose more people, so they can live, so they can all be happy together without the threat of being torn apart. “Hinami-chan and Banjou-san and company, Hide, and also…You too Touka-chan.” Because he was weak, he needed to rely on someone else’s power to save them and he often put them in danger. “I don’t want the people important to me to be snatched away. So I’ll pluck them,” he cracked his finger, remembering Yamori, “The sprouts which are in the way.”
That’s what he has to do.
Touka-chan remained silent for a moment and bore of a look of skepticism. “Um… Whether you’re protecting or plucking, who are your opponents?” Wasn’t that obvious? “Aogiri? The Doves?” Well, those two groups are certainly major problems- “Ghouls? Humans?” Well, he knows that not everyone is necessarily in the way- “Everything? Such an endless thing is your goal?”
Certainly, both are large organizations, but it’s not like it’s impossible to bring them down. And he knows what kind of people (both ghoul and human) that he should be fighting against. Regardless, he continued to listen to what she had to say.
“Besides that, everyone doesn’t belong to you.” Is he acting like they do? “ There is no reason to be protected by you. ” Of course there is, if he had been stronger earlier then they wouldn’t have- “You pretend that you’re thinking about others. But in the end, you’re just thinking about yourself.”
That’s wrong! He honestly-
“Truthfully, it’s only that you don’t want to be alone. What you want to do is just conceited self-satisfaction, isn’t it? Just like an idiot.”
He wanted to shout and deny her claims, but how would that look? That would just verify her opinions and he wasn’t sure that she was wrong. “You are disagreeing with me, aren’t you?” he asked, trying to keep his voice even.
“Yes, I am.” There’s that bluntness that he missed. “Because you are wrong.”
Well, she couldn’t understand. She didn’t see what he saw, she didn’t see the absolute horror of both organizations, she didn’t- Well, if she did understand, then he would worry because she doesn’t need to know the depth on that level of hell. As long as she was safe, that was good enough for him.
“Well, that’s ok,” he said as he rubbed his chin. Was it to her or to him? “You have to leave me alone.”
Right as he finished his sentence, she walked up to him and punched him tried to punch him but he could easily read her attacks now. She tried to use her strength to forced his fist though,
“Don’t make fun of me…,” she commanded, looking straight at him. She moved back then tried to kick him but quickly fell back, seeing as she couldn’t hit him, “Bastard.” Anger filled her eyes, but he didn’t know what he should do. It’s not like he could make her see his perspective.
He pleaded calmly, “...Stop it, Touka-chan,” He didn’t want to hurt her so he did nothing to attack.
“SHUT UP!” she demanded as she rushed towards him for a kick. “Don’t arbitrarily decide that you have to live by yourself!” Her attacks had become so soft. “That sort of worn-out gloomy face like a hero from a tragedy is an eyesore!” Eyesore? “There’s no way that a guy who can’t even protect himself can protect others, right?!” She gathered up all her breath and screamed, “Don’t return to Anteiku!”
Ken just stopped. She… A punch finally hit him right in the jaw and he found himself on the ground. He didn’t have it in him to stand up right then and there. Well, how could he when Touka-chan just said that he shouldn’t come back? Just what is lacking in him? Why won’t they accept that he doesn’t want to be weak anymore?! Why don’t they accept that he just wants them to be alive? Why can’t they just let him protect them in his own way?
Touka pinned down his legs and finally got a good grip on him. “Why…why?! Why...” A punch followed each syllable as she put all of her anger into her attacks. She clenched her fist but didn’t punch him again as she softly asked,“Why did things turn out this way...?”
Tiny droplets fell down as pleading colored her eyes, showing him how desperately she wanted him to answer his question. He couldn’t recall anyone ever looking at him like that before. She wanted to go back to easier days too, didn’t she? He wanted to reach out and wipe away any of her remaining tears, but he stopped himself, fearing that he would break her.
Touka-chan, seeing that he wasn’t going to answer her question any time soon, stood up and walked away without turning back towards him. He didn’t deserve to chase after her.
“Why indeed?” he parroted softly.
As he wiped her tear from the bottom of his eye, he looked down at his wrist with the single black tally mark among the red. Someone like her is really wasted on him. He almost wishes that she had already fallen in love with someone else, but seeing the way that she reacted, that was unlikely.
He had to admit that Touka-chan’s words had a ring of truth. Even if he destroys the organizations, he can’t destroy the ideas that make up their foundations. Besides, in history, as long as there are people to carry on the ideology, it wouldn’t be impossible for new organizations to spring up in their place.
So then, what does he, Kaneki Ken, want to do? How does he want to live his life?
He got up and turned back in the direction where Anteiku was. He missed the scent of good coffee and Irimi-san and Koma-san and Nishio-senpai. He missed having the company of people who were close to him (he could barely remember the last time that he even talked to Hide).
On the long way back to his shared apartment, he passed by the front of a bookstore, but didn’t go in. Now he had to get most of his books from Tsukiyama-san, but while Tsukiyama-san’s book choice wasn’t bad, he missed going to the bookstore and to the library to find new little treasures then sit for hours just reading.
He wants to go back to the days where things were less complicated. He wants to be able to visit a bookstore regularly and to be around people at Anteiku again and hang out with Hide and do everything that he used to. But seeing as all those things can’t happen anymore…For now, he just really wants to go home, go to Anteiku.
Once he got back to his apartment, he gathered everyone for an announcement.
“You’re being so formal, what’s the matter Kaneki?” Banjou-san asked.
“I have something that I’d like to talk to you about…” Would they get upset with him after focusing on the goal to get rid of Aogiri for so long?
“Something to talk about...?” Tsukiyama-san and Banjou-san questioned in unison.
How should he put his? “Please leave this place.”
“Leave...What do you mean, Kaneki?”
“You guys have really helped me out a lot but I’m really sorry, I….” He felt bad for asking about this, but he really couldn’t do it anymore. He just hoped that they wouldn’t be too angry with him. “Am going to return to Anteiku. I understand Yoshimura-san’s standpoint and I think I can do what I want even if I work with him. Besides that…” Because of talking with Touka-chan, “I’ve feel like I’ve finally noticed. I am wrong…If all I’ve been is wrong, then I’d like to return to the shop and recover once more. It’s been for nothing. Only for myself.” And his fear of losing people again. “Even though I say this, it’s not like I’m departing completely. I intend to work behind the scenes like Yomo-san…” The next words were harder to say. “And… from here on, it’s just my own selfishness, but I’d like everyone to follow me.”
Ken briefly glanced up to see their shocked faces. Was that request no good? He hopes that they won’t get too angry over this.
“I intentionally manipulated a lot as I pleased…But I would like to be with everyone.” If there are people around him, he doesn’t feel so lonely. “I wonder if that’s no good?”
“You’re talking like an idiot, ain’t you Kaneki?” Banjou-san smiled at him. “From the start, my life was gathered up by you. So, I’ll follow you wherever you go.” The others agreed and Kaneki couldn’t help but feel a bud of happiness. He’d never thought that people would be willing to go with his selfishness.
“I will be happy if you return to the shop, Onii-chan!” Hinami declared. “Kaneki-onii-chan and Touka-onee-chan should be together, I think… So I’m in complete agreement with you returning to Anteiku!”
“...Thank you, Hinami-chan.” She’s really a kind girl. “Thanks, everyone.” They were all really nice people. They deserved better someone like him. Touka-chan, is it ok if he returns?…She might be even more upset with him, but he would like to be around everyone again and he would like to apologize for not keeping his promise to her about not leaving her alone.
--------------------------
“I’m sorry, Tsukiyama-san. Thank you for coming to stop me, but…” He’s already made up his mind. “I don’t want to be unable to do anything.”
He knows very well of the slim chances and the high possibility that the people he was looking for could very well be dead. However, he was honestly tired. Tired of just waiting around and letting things happen to him and to the people who are important to him.
Ken looked down at his wrist, focusing solely on the black tally. And just like an idiot, he hopes that she’s ok, he hopes that she hasn’t disappeared. He hopes that she’s safe because she would probably try to protect Anteiku no matter what the cost.
But protecting something is so much easier said than done. Dying to protect others seems so much easier than living to protect them.
He felt weak, so, so weak. Amon was strong, he knew that Amon was always strong. He used too much energy. But there’s no more time, he had to hurry- hurry-hurry and save everyone before it’s too late!
No! He was going to protect them, he can’t die now, not after-!
There’s no more time, he had to go save them, save the manager…Meat, he needed food, he wants to eat. He’ll need to kill people if he wants to eat… No! He doesn’t want anyone to die anymore!
It felt like something, someone was slithering around his body, telling him to give it up. Telling him that he wasn’t in control anymore, They were.
STOP IT! STop-Stop!
GET OUT! THisss ISN’T YOUR- BODY!
My-My BODY !
A-A-A-A-TTThouSAAAAND MInUSSSS- MINUS-! THOUsssssand!
C-C-C-CRAWLING IN MY-MY EARS!!!
He thought he ate away his past problems, nibbled them into nothing and swallowed, So why? Why are they coming back? Why are they eating away at him?
GET OUT!
GET OUT OF MY BODY!
GET THE HELL OUT!
“Yo, Kaneki,” a familiar, soothing voice called out. He was too afraid to turn around. He didn’t want to look, he didn’t want to know if that voice was apart of reality or if it was apart of an illusion. “What’s with that outfit? You being fashion-conscious?”
Finally, he bothered to turn around.“Hi...de?”
The illusion tried to sound normal, like his current state wasn’t a big deal. “...You were always suffering like that… You don’t need it anymore, that mask.”
“...I’m still seeing weird things.” It’s impossible. It’s completely impossible for anyone to accept him the way that he is, a broken, hopeless mess. Besides, why is he in the middle of this fight? He could die! No one should be fighting. they shouldn’t be fighting! Not Irimi-san. Not Koma-san. Not the manager. And he hopes to whoever’s still listening to him that Hinami-chan and Touka-chan are as far away from this as possible. So…”Hide shouldn’t be here. It’s a hallucination.”
That’s all it should be. A dream, just a dream, a dream. It's so often a dream, it’s almost always a dream to see people like Hide so close to him. It’s impossible that Hide would accept something like this, something like him, so this just has to be a dream! It often is the case.
“I knew that!” he exclaimed with a smile as he patted his back. “...Something like that is fine, so hurry up and come home.”
Home…That’s all he wanted, a warm home to return to. A home where people who love him will wait for him to return. He wants to go home, he just wants to go home!
“Eat him.”
“You have to eat him.”
“You need to regain your strength.”
“Didn’t you swear that you save them all?”
The voices-! They wouldn’t stop talking! He doesn’t want to eat anymore! If he eats now, then Hide… Hide needs to run away before something happens, if he doesn’t run away…
“...So can you fight for me at full power just one more time?”
Why isn’t he leaving? Hide! Just run away from him!
--------------------------
Why did death seem more beautiful than life? He thought he had saw flowers, but in reality it was just a vast amount of corpses. And standing at the center of it all was the undefeatable Death God of the CCG, “Arima... Kishou.”
Did he do all of this himself? Did he kill all of these people himself? So easily? Even though he let his fighting spirit rise up in hatred, instead of feeling sad or anger, all he could feel was despair. Because he was next, he could just tell it.
No! He can’t just let it end here! He had to keep fighting! How should he fight? Should he wait for the investigator to make the first move? Or would that just ensure his death? Then should he make the first move himself? How should he begin this fight? He needs to start out with something…A preemptive strike…
“ Kaneki. Can you fight for me at full power?”
Hide!
That’s right. He still had to fight, he just has to fight!
But even as he tried to dodge the attacks, the older white haired man seemed to know exactly where he was and where his weak points were. But he can’t just give up at this point!
For the remaining few of Anteiku, for Hinami, for Banjou-san and the others, for Hide, for Touka-chan, he had to keep fighting! Hasn’t he been in worse pain? The man’s quinque pierced through his body, causing him to see red. Lots and lots of red. What is this?! Come on, he just needed to find an opening! This man may be the Reaper, but isn’t he still human? Shouldn’t he have some kind of blind spot?
He needs to calm down, calm down. He can still fight, he has to fight!
Right as he was about to crack his finger, something pierced through his head!
--------------------------
He opened his eyes to see a very familiar park. This is… This street…This is where he and mother used to live.
“You don’t have to keep working. That’s enough,” he pleaded as he clutched onto her sweater. “Stop it.” Just stop, stop before- “Please…”
“Mhm. I will after a bit more, okay?”
“Mother…look, look at me…,” he pleaded. Look to see what he’s become.
“What’s the matter? You strange child…”
Mother wanted to do something about all the things around her somehow or another and she ended up driving herself into a corner; Because of that…Because of that-! Wait a minute…Mother, she wanted to save all the things around her.
“You have to be saved.”
“Are you going back to Anteiku? I completely agree!”
And drove herself into a corner.
“It’s fine if you live, normally.”
“Can’t you just not go…?”
While still hesitating to place the weight on those choices on the scales.
“You’re just pretending to think about other people, but in the end, you’re just thinking about yourself.”
Mother…was afraid of losing someone else the way that she had lost Father. That’s why she exhausted herself to the point of wasting away for those around her. He remembered a lot of things, right now, he remembers more bad than good. Mother wasn’t kind, but rather she was afraid of being alone. She was merely a coward among cowards.
…So was he.
He looked at the younger version of himself, knowing exactly what he’s wanted since he was younger. He didn’t want to protect everyone, he just…wanted to protect himself, the one who waited for Mother to return home and read Father’s books all alone, he wanted to protect that lonely child who just didn’t want to be alone.
Touka-chan was right. He was just thinking about himself. Protecting solely because that way he could assure that there would be people who love him around. He was tired of waiting for others to come home.
“It’s gotten dark,” he heard himself mention. He remembered hating the dark as a child, but he had no choice but to live with it.“Let’s get back before long.”
“Okay.” He took the boy’s hand, remembering his past and present wishes. He already knows what’s going to happen next. He knows…
“Do you…Love you mother?”
The little boy hesitated before giving his answer. He replied, scratching his chin. “Yeah. Mom is great. She always gives it her best until night time…” Night. He really, really hated night. He felt goosebumps pop up as he reminisced the fear and recollected those useless pleads. He nearly wanted to laugh, because even as a child, he lied through his teeth. He lies to himself, isn’t that just pathetic? “When I become an adult too, I wonder if I’ll be able to help someone just like mom.”
Ah…He…
“Sorry…I’m sorry.” What else could he say? He abandoned this side of him when he shouldn’t have. “It’s all my fault, because of me, you…” Abused the people that he loves, emotionally and physically. Just how could he have done that? “Something so…” Even though he knows that all he wanted to do was be loved, just what kind of sins did he commit in order to live? Even though he swore not to be like… “It’s my fault.” Every single thing, it was his fault. He couldn’t do anything more than break down and apologize to his human side.
“We are sure unsightly, aren’t we?”
“It’s okay. You’ve…saved me countless times, haven’t you?” No, he hasn’t really at all. He hasn’t been saved! “You fought in place of the weak me. I’m not angry. Thanks for everything up until now.” Something like that… “Let’s rest for a while.”
Ah…He’ll probably have to apologize to everyone again. He hopes that they can forgive him for leaving them like this. He hopes that they’ll still remember him. He hopes that Touka-chan will forgive him since it looks like he won’t be able to fulfill his promise to her.
Even in the end, he’s selfish.