Work Text:
8.
The first one came with an excruciating slam back to earth, the force of his body making impact with the ground as Colin slipped from the tree branch. He’d never felt anything quite like this in his short life, every nerve ending screaming and firing at once.
He could vaguely hear Anthony and Benedict shouting something from above, noises sounding muffled in his ears as though he were underwater. His attempts at movement were pitiful, his body unwilling to listen to his brain when he was trying to tell it to move, get up, do SOMETHING, but nothing seemed to be working.
Anthony and Benedict had finally managed to escape the confines of the tree. Thankfully, they had both come down safely; they definitely didn’t need more harm befalling anyone else. Both boys rushed to their brother’s side, hauling Colin up by the arms as he groaned from somewhere deep within his chest. Anthony and Benedict ignored the sound as all three trudged off slowly towards the house, the middle brother in between the older two as they made what was possibly the world’s saddest picture at that moment.
The sharp pain was finally subsiding, which he presumed was a good sign. He could still feel a dull ache emanating from what he assumed were his ribs, the persistent throbbing of his heart letting him know that he at least he was alive alive alive.
Bits and pieces of sound began to filter back in amidst the cacophony of sensations he was experiencing. He could finally hear the unbroken barrage of reprimanding his father was unleashing on his brothers as they unloaded him onto the settee in the parlor, propping his head up gently on a soft pillow.
He could hear as his father continued berating his brothers, stopping only to ring the butler to call for the doctor, though concentrating on anything except the torrent of hurt coming from below his head was harder than he envisioned it would be.
His mother took pity on him, looking him over as she sat down beside him. She tenderly swept his hair to the side in sympathy, careful not to jostle him too much before the doctor arrived.
“I told you boys not to play in that tree. You have to be more careful.”
12.
The second one was a jolt of a different kind, his heart being lowered into the ground along with the body of his father. Colin thought the physical pain of falling from the tree was wrenching but no, this was worse.
His mother was a pale facsimile of herself, the salty, translucent ribbons pouring down her face as she gave great gushing sobs that tore through her body. Colin felt them tear through his own body, seeing her falling apart as each inch of his father sunk farther into the dirt.
She couldn’t hold it together, though nobody blamed her; the only thing keeping her from completely crumpling to the ground was Anthony’s hand on her shoulder, his other holding Gregory securely in his arms. He looked every bit the strong commanding head of the household, even if everyone there wished for nothing but the man being buried to return to his rightful position as such.
There was nothing for it, though. Nobody could have stopped it from happening, not even Colin with his charming smiles and quick wit. There were no witty remarks to make, no fast rejoinders he could say that would pull attention away from the six foot pit that held something so much deeper than that to all parties present.
He would have given anything in that moment to be able to find some meaning out of the frivolity, to feel like all of this had some point, some higher purpose. Francesca, all of four years old and 10 kilos, already too precocious for her age, came to stand next to him.
“Sometimes you have to lose something to know what it’s worth.”
16.
Number three came unexpectedly from a farm girl a few towns over. She had come to Mayfair to drop off milk that her family’s cow had produced, hoping to sell it at the local market. Colin had only been there because Gregory and Hyacinth had wanted to go and both Anthony and Benedict had already had plans so Colin, the ever dutiful brother, had agreed to take them.
He was trying to occupy himself, keeping an eye on his siblings as they ran amok amongst the stalls when he noticed her, her long blonde hair plaited into two braids down her back. She caught his eye immediately as she was someone he hadn’t seen before and was rather pretty, two things which were hard to ignore.
He slowly made his way over, peeking over at his siblings every now and then to be sure they didn’t cause too much trouble for the vendors. They appeared to be on their best behavior today, though, so he felt secure in the knowledge that he could speak with this young woman without them wreaking absolute havoc.
By the time he reached her, she had managed to deposit her wares at the stall where she was trying to sell them. Colin put on his most irresistible grin, hoping it would work on her as it seemed to on most everyone else. When she turned to him, he could tell he had succeeded by the shy upturn of her own mouth and the way her eyes lowered to the ground bashfully.
He was hopeful he could get her to sneak away with him, inquiring if she wanted to head somewhere more private. She acquiesced willingly, nodding her head. He grabbed her hand in his before tugging her behind the tent stall.
The two stared at one another for a few moments, neither one sure what to do now that they were somewhat alone. Colin finally took the initiative, leaning down and tilting his head just so. She met him halfway, bringing their mouths together.
As far as kisses go, it was rather chaste, a mere brushing of lips for but a few moments. It wasn’t anything especially life-changing; no sparks flying, fireworks exploding, magic making feeling. Colin really only felt a little bubble of warmth in his stomach that it happened, and that he could now cross that specific task off of his mental list of things he felt he needed to accomplish in his life.
They separated amicably, mutually agreeing that they would merely be friends if they ever happened to see one another again. He returned to the front of the tent, quickly spotting his brother and sister at a stall not too far from where he was. He ambled over to them, hoping he didn’t look too conspicuous.
He should have known that Gregory and Hyacinth would pick up on the difference in him, though. They were entirely too perceptive for their own good. It was Hyacinth who spoke, sensing he needed to say something.
“Speak from your heart.”
21.
Four was freedom and choice, a decision he knew wouldn’t please Anthony but one he knew he had to make. The world provided things he couldn’t get from any classroom. School was stifling: expectations, rules, conformity. Exploration was more his suit, adventures giving him the chance to fill his heart with something that he just didn’t think Mayfair could supply.
Dunwoody was a most faithful ally, aiding him in his excursions no matter where they roamed. He truly felt like he could go anywhere, be anyone, as long as this man was by his side. As far as butlers went, Colin felt like he had lucked out with his, Dunwoody feeling more like a partner than a servant. They shared the responsibilities most of the time, even at Dunwoody’s continuous requests not to. He felt obligated though; if not for him, Dunwoody wouldn’t even have left England.
Despite Dunwoody’s presence, however, he found traveling to be inexplicably lonely. He kept a journal to help document his expedition, but even that was only a temporary balm and seemed to assist more with recording his solitude than ailing it.
The one measure that did alleviate some of these emotions were his letters to Penelope. She was the only person who answered his letters in an encouraging manner, responding not just with pleasantries and kind remarks about his voyages, as his family did, but with questions and thoughtful comments that showed she truly wanted to know more and actually cared about what he had to say. It made him feel special and wanted in a way he never had before.
Each letter they wrote to one another only cemented their friendship further, building a bridge between them that spanned the continents and oceans. He looked forward to each missive, anticipating each one hungrily. It was like he couldn’t get enough of them, her words giving him something that nothing and nobody else could provide.
Dunwoody gave him a knowing look every time he went to retrieve the mail, reminding him they could always return to Mayfair.
“Home isn’t always where you think it is.”
25.
Number five felt like something Colin had wanted and yearned for but had been inescapably out of reach-until suddenly it wasn’t. He was an eager and enthusiastic participant, even if the actual act still seemed relatively foreign to him.
His father had once tried to explain it to him, but he had been too young, his mind wandering into the ether of childlike wonder as children are wont to do. When his mother had tried to explain it to him, he had been overcome with embarrassment, his face turning a mottled shade of crimson before he stammered an excuse and fled the room. Anthony and Benedict had explained the major components of the act, explaining how to avoid impregnating a woman and the importance of caring for one’s partner before taking care of oneself. But they had forgone key details, so he was left to figure those out on his own.
His natural curiosity and desire to please, however, served him well. Lady Victoria appeared more than sated with his abilities if the sighs and moans were anything to go by. He also made sure to follow his brothers’ advice, ensuring she found her own satisfaction before he pulled out to find his own.
It wasn’t until later, when he was recounting the tale to his brothers, that he realized that it wasn’t quite as gratifying as he hoped it would be. Anthony and Benedict gave each other a knowing look, the two having already found their loves and thus realizing what was missing for Colin. It was Anthony who gave him the solution.
“It’s better when you’re with the one you love.”
33.
Six shouldn’t have been as easy as it was, breaking Penelope’s heart. The consequences of that one would stick with Colin for a long time, bearing down on him with the weight of an anvil. Guilt and shame battled for dominance in his chest, both eager to claim dominion over what should’ve been his own heart but now felt like a twisted, shriveled up thing that unfortunately still beat in his chest.
Penelope’s eyes, normally so vibrant, effusive, twin pools of whiskey that begged you to sip from them, had never looked so dull, colors muted to a forest floor of dead earth and leaves in fall. He prayed he never saw that particular look on her face again, closed off and shuttered like panes of a window during a hurricane. Her mouth opened, uttering that single syllable that clattered like a knife between them.
He felt his throat close. Words, his constant companion, the one thing he felt was always truly his, failing him. He was left to do nothing but stare at her as she somehow managed to speak, uttering something he could tell was pulled from the deepest parts of her. Each syllable was a slice, a gut punch, a shot straight to the core that left an unalterable blemish on their friendship that Colin wasn’t sure they could ever come back from.
Anthony finally took some semblance of pity on her and carried her away from where the wreckage of her heart once lay. Colin watched, motionless, unsure of where to go from here; not just physically, but mentally and emotionally too. He knew he would have to leave this spot eventually, unless he wanted to make the stoop his new permanent residence.
He couldn’t find the wherewithal to move though, his eyes absently gazing at the spot where Penelope and Anthony had turned the corner and disappeared from sight. Benedict turned to him, placing a gentle hand on his shoulder.
“Your words have power.”
33.
He didn’t expect seven to upend his life so completely. It was supposed to be a simple transaction, something to appease his friend as only he could do. He knew he owed her this, knew he had to make it up to her for the fucked up things he had said that day in front of his siblings. And he was helpless to resist her when she looked at him with those doe eyes, all but begging him to give her this one thing as an act of mercy. So Colin granted Penelope’s request, because he was a good friend making amends. At least, that’s what he told himself.
It wasn’t supposed to change Colin’s entire world. It wasn’t supposed to bring colors to life that he didn’t even know existed. It wasn’t supposed to make him think of every blooming sunrise and waning sunset he’d seen across the world. It wasn’t supposed to give him echoes of all the exquisite desserts he’d managed to taste in his life, bringing each one back to his tongue in one single, arresting moment.
It wasn’t supposed to make him feel as though nothing before had ever truly mattered except the woman in front of him, making him question every single decision that didn’t involve the brush of her lips against his. He wanted to know how he could spend the rest of his life at the altar of Penelope’s mouth, a willing supplicant devoted to worshiping the soft pillows that had molded to his as though they were meant to be there all along.
He had never felt desire like this, an all-consuming fire that raced up his spine in waves before spreading throughout the rest of his body. He had never wanted anyone so singularly, never burned so passionately and intensely for anyone or anything as he did for the person he held in his arms.
When they broke apart and she murmured that single word, that sole intonation that filled the room like a death knell, he was speechless in front of her once more, albeit for an entirely different reason. And then he got angry because he didn’t know how else to react when he still had the taste of her on his tongue, the smell of her perfume invading his senses. And he left because he was helpless to do anything else.
When he finally managed to speak with his mother about what happened, the words tumbled out of his mouth without prompting.
“How do you know the right person to marry, mama?”
“Marry your best friend.”
33.
Colin was taken for a ride with eight, and he meant that both literally and figuratively as the carriage rolled down the street. He couldn’t wrap his head around the fact that Penelope was Lady Whistledown. How had this escaped his notice all these years? It was as if he was looking at a completely different person, a total stranger and yet someone he had known practically his entire life.
His first instinct was anger for her well-being, his protective impulse rising to the surface. He couldn’t fathom how many times she had taken this route, unaccompanied in this part of town, with any possible number of dangers waiting for her. Colin wanted to both throttle her for her stupidity and commend her for her ability to manage this on her own all these years. He wasn’t sure which urge was stronger.
He also had the damndest sensation that she had been secretly laughing at him the whole time he had insisted that Eloise had been Lady Whistledown, which left a pit in the bottom of his stomach for some unknown reason. The thought of Penelope, of all people, treating him as a joke was something he simply couldn’t handle, though he refused to ruminate on why, exactly, that particular sentiment niggled at him so much. No matter the rationale, he wouldn’t be able to tolerate the notion that she had been mocking him behind his back all along.
Not to mention she could have just let Cressida take the credit and let everything be done with once and for all. Unfortunately, they both had an innate stubborn streak that ran to the bone, so of course she couldn’t allow sleeping dogs to lie. Her pride wouldn’t allow her to let Cressida, of all people, claim the title of the infamous whistleblower, despite how adamantly Colin tried to get her to back down. Somehow, she interpreted this as him claiming that Cressida was beautiful, and she, ugly, a notion for which he vehemently denied.
This led to their butting heads diverting into the most pleasurable moments he had ever spent in a carriage. He reflected on all the previous instances that had preceded this particular one to allow him to get here, thanking whatever deity that existed for bringing this divine soul into his life and here onto his lap. He swore she was created just for him, made to fit into the cradle of his arms as if there was no better place for her to be (for which he wholeheartedly agreed).
At the abrupt halting of the carriage, he knew what he had to do. While Colin’s proposal may not have been the most romantic, he was more than glad she accepted. He was impatient to have this celestial being (who somehow wanted him too) in his life forever.
Dealing with Penelope’s mother was less than ideal, his inclination to defend her once more rearing its ugly head. He couldn’t believe how audacious she was, her assumption that he was there to ask for Felicity’s hand when he had shown up with Penelope, had sat with Penelope, had only ever shown any interest in Penelope was not only shocking but was truly abhorrent. He was led to wonder how someone as wonderful, kind, and selfless as Penelope had ever managed to flourish in a house like this, but he was grateful that she did. He was more than ready to get this particular task over with, knowing this formality only needed to be taken care of so he could move on to more important tasks with his intended.
Later, at their engagement ball, Colin couldn’t contain his effusive happiness at having this woman by his side. Penelope was radiant, her happiness shining out of her like the rays of the sun. He was so lucky to be here, now, in this time and place.
And then the papers filtered in, along with his fury. He chose to move them to a more private place to have it out. Yet it ended once again in an unexpected but more desirable way, both of them choosing to move past their argument by clinging to one another as only two people in love could. He would never have expected the night to have ended this way, but would not make another choice in any lifetime.
As they emerged from the room upstairs, looking worse for the wear and hoping to avoid being caught, somehow Daphne found them to offer her congratulations. After seeing their general dishevelment, she smiled conspiratorially. She also nodded to herself as though coming to some sort of conclusion, turning to Colin with a piercing stare.
“People aren’t always who you expect them to be.”
34.
He couldn’t believe how long nine had taken, but now that it was here, it was absolute perfection. All of their family and friends were there, including and unfortunately Penelope’s mother and older sisters (at her insistence despite Colin’s protests). He would have been happy to leave them off the invite list, but she had insisted they be included and since it was her day too, he couldn’t very well say no.
She was the most beautiful bride and although he knew he was biased, he felt valid in saying that as he wasn’t the only one to say so. Colin wasn’t ashamed to admit that he cried when he saw her coming down the aisle, his lungs losing air and his heart beating double time in his chest at the ethereal vision she made. Her copper curls were pinned back from her face, a fact for which he was grateful as it meant he could focus on her gorgeous chocolate eyes, ample spread of freckles, and her delectable lips.
He couldn’t keep the beam off his face as he stared down at her, reciting the words needed to bind them together. He could hardly focus on anything except the way her eyes shone brightly up at him, the matching upturn to her lips. He paid just enough attention to know when it was time to kiss her so he could pull her close, leaning down and enveloping her lips with his.
They had kissed before, of course. But this one felt meaningful in a different way, the first of many as husband and wife. His wife. Mrs. Bridgerton. Mrs. Penelope Bridgerton. So this kiss was special and new and left him reeling as he realized that she was truly his.
They separated to cheers and catcalls from his family, both of them grinning from ear to ear. They heard the announcement that they were husband and wife, Colin smiling even wider when it was pronounced officially. They made their way down the aisle hand in hand to applause, ready to celebrate with everyone.
It wasn’t until later, when he was alone at the reception, that the revelation hit him. He still couldn’t believe how long it took him to fall for her. He felt so unimaginably fortunate that Penelope hadn’t given up on him in all that time. The wistful look on his face must have given him away as he was staring at her, Gregory making his way over. His brother nudged him with his elbow, nodding in her direction.
“Sometimes love is just waiting for you to notice it.”
34.
Ten involved a set of hands that he loved so very much and knew so very well. This time, however, they were carrying something more delicate than anything else she had ever carried. He opened his arms, prepared for her to pass him the tiny bundle. Colin already felt overwhelmed with emotion, tears flowing freely down his cheeks as he looked down at the most important thing he would ever need to know in his life.
“Say hello to your daughter, Agatha.”