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It was late, probabaly around 3:09am and Steve was still awake. His son Anthony was asleep in the room next door, probably holding onto his cuddly lion, eventhough he was ten.
He looked at the empty piece of paper in front of him. He knew that he could do this but he didn't knew how. This was letter 102.
He already wrote 101 letters since Bucky was gone.
He whished for 102 to never be finished but either way he took the pen and started writing.
Steve hoped that this nightmare was over soon.
~
Dear Bucky,
it's been a while since you've been gone. Sometimes I give up my hope.
Will you ever return from that war of yours? Will you ever come back to me?
I need you, Bucky!
How can you leave me alone after all we've been through? Do you remember us sitting next to each other, watching the sun go down when we were younger?
Or do you remember how we played and often got into a fight?
If you don't, don't worry because I do and I'm going to keep that memory for ever in my heart.
People are asking where you are. They think that you dropped me because you couldn't take being around me anymore.
I told them it's a lie.
I told them, that you just need your freedom and some time alone. It's way too much for you.
And I can understand you.
And I don't blame you.
But please, Buck, come back to me. Stop hiding and come back home. We don't need to talk about it. I just want to have you back home.
Where ever you are Bucky, please stay out of trouble if you're not coming home. Be safe.
I'll try to be safe as well but it's hard without you here. I miss you. Everytime I get up, there's no one next to me and the side of your bed is cold and the few cloths you left still lay on the floor.
I dont want to move them and wash them. I want them to be there were you left them. It looks like someone's here.
It looks like I'm not alone when Anthony is asleep at night and I can't go to sleep because I'm so worried.
Anthony misses you just as much as I do and kids in his class are bullying him even more than they did before. I tried to help him but he doesn't want me to.
I talked to his teachers but they aren't doing anything.
Sometimes I just want to pack my things and leave together with him. He's our son after all and I don't want him to be as broken as we are.
I know that I'm not perfect and that I'll never be perfect but I would never let anyone harm our son just because you're gone or because he has two dads.
I'm going to protect him, I promise.
Just like we promised in our vows.
We shall bear together whatever trouble and sorrow life may lay upon us, and we shall share together whatever good and joyful things life may bring us.
I'm not going to give our son up, even in the darkest time.
Please, Bucky. I beg you, please don't stay away from home for much longer.
My heart feels like being ripped apart and it became more and more harder to keep it together.
How can you fix something that can't be fixed?
Anthony is suffering as well. Not only because of the bullying. He just needs you, Bucky.
He needs someone to teach him how to stay out off fights and how to win them. I can't do that and I know, that you know that. When we were younger I was the one who always got into silly fights and you were the one to get me out of them alive.
And everytime someone walks away from me, I count their steps and wonder if you walked away the same way or thought already about coming back.
Everything I do somehow reminds me of you and I can't take that anymore.
Didn't you promise to be with me till the end of the line?
I love you,
Steve
~
Steve folded the letter and whiped away his tears. He then put the letter into the wooden box where he keeped all the other 101 letters.
He stared at them for a while before putting the box away. When he turned around, Anthony was standing in the door frame.
Steve sadly smiled at his son. "What's wrong, Tony?"
"I can't sleep. I just keep dreaming of dad." Anthony rubbed his tiered dark eyes.
Steve walked up to him and pulled him into a hug and placed a kiss on his head. "I know, me too. Now let's get back into bed. You can sleep with me tonight."
They walked over into Steve's and Bucky's room and after they laid under the big and cozy blanket, Steve shut the lights. "I love you, papa," Anthony said before he fell asleep. Steve smiled,"I love you too, Tony."
Steve fell asleep around 5am.
~
The days continued like this, until Bucky returned.
It was a rainy and cold day. Just like the one where Bucky disappeared. Anthony was over at a friend's house when Steve spotted Bucky walking up the street, hisitantly. Steve was outside in an instand and wrapped his arms around Bucky.
"Oh my god, Bucky. I've missed you so much." He was crying and trembling, holding even tighter onto his husband. "Steve. I'm sorry. I'm never leaving you again."
Steve could hear Bucky's voice trembling. He pressed a kiss on Bucky's ear and then took his hand, leading him inside.
"Welcome home, Buck."