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Taeyong's watermelon punch looks tempting and Yuta has half a mind to ask for a sip, and he'd probably get his way, being the "one bite?" guy and all (with recently elevating his advances to drinks as well), and Taeyong couldn't really say no to him, as much as he likes to think otherwise, but the sight of the chewed straw makes him reconsider.
There were days when Yuta would get pangs of concern in his chest from just that insignificant sign of what he used to deem as stress, but now, well-versed as he is in the members' oddities, he knows Taeyong's just being a little gnawing cat. Yuta has long retired his position as Taeyong's main worrywart to Doyoung anyway, enjoying the fretting and the grumpy fights that ensued from the sidelines.
It’s hot in Jakarta and that’s usually exciting news for Yuta despite how much he hates sweating, because it means he can wield his collection of tank tops without worrying about wearing extra layers. But the stylist had practically shooed him away as politely as she could saying it was too casual for filming. Such blatant disrespect to his favorite clothing item and fashion choices would’ve had Yuta seething if it weren’t for the fact that he really liked the short sleeve shirt she had picked out for him. The wind blew through the wide and open top and cooled him down.
The fact that Jungwoo had let out his squeaky gasp, one he has perfected specifically for Yuta, and told him to twirl for him had definitely helped in lifting his mood as well, not that Yuta would ever admit it.
The memory from the morning plants a bashful smile on Yuta’s face. The delicious food is settling nicely in his stomach, making him feel like a content cat basking in the sun, except he has to walk for now, no lying around and stretching for him. Yuta has slowed down a bit, falling behind a little from everyone, trying to fully absorb the scenery, with the heat and humidity of it all. He looks up at the slight slope before the bridge, the trees casting the occasional shadow on everyone's back.
Jungwoo is hunching a bit, attentive to the guide, repeating the words he knows the meaning of, like an excited little parrot. Johnny has pulled back from translator duty for today, trudging beside Doyoung and leaving Jungwoo to grasp enthusiastically at whatever he manages to understand. He’s good at learning languages, probably for the same reason he’s good at imitating everyone’s laugh, immersing himself into unfamiliar tones and accents with an ease.
Yuta's fondly reminded of the many times Jungwoo pestered him into teaching him an expression or two in Japanese, which later turned to Yuta’s own unlimited source of pleasure and entertainment. Jungwoo's precious like that, eager and enthusiastic, a child-like spring to his every action that always brought out an instinct to protect in him.
The gentle breeze fills his senses with the subtle scent of the trees, the names of which he doesn’t exactly know, but their shadows are providing precious shelter from the sun. Yuta feels the familiar sentiment of contentment and unity he's often filled with in the intimacy of nature. At these occasions of emotional richness he gets the irresistible urge to somehow share the feeling with someone, to bare some of the sweet vulnerability that comes with such a powerful rush of connection to the world. He would've run to Mark and told him as much if he were here. Mark is attentive to his moods and pondering like no one else. He feels restless from the longing that peaks its head at the thought of how long it's been since the nine of them were together. He skips to Johnny and Doyoung to distract himself from going down that line of thought.
The guide has stopped by the side and is now instructing Jungwoo to hold the Toucan. Jungwoo looks startled at first as he apologizes to the bird cutely.
His boyish demeanor is accentuated today by the slight droopiness of his shoulders in the big t-shirt he’s wearing and the sight of it makes Yuta’s heart squeeze violently. The fact that Jungwoo is truly the maknae today with both Mark and Haechan being absent somehow adds to how young he looks.
Yuta, now braver than years ago, goes up to the handler and asks to hold the Toucan as well. It climbs his forearm and makes itself comfortable, the slight indents it leaves on his skin fascinates Yuta and adds to the endearment he feels. The bird looks at him curiously, tilting its head to the side, Yuta tries not to think how the little gesture looks oddly familiar.
They continue on their way and finally stop by the place where a bunch of pelicans are prancing around.
“Look, it’s Jungwoo!” Johnny chimes in with a teasing smile, fascinated by their long legs. Yuta grins and looks back at where Jungwoo is busy quoting Singles Inferno at Taeyong, “Jurassic world!”. Standing tall, with an easy smile adorning his face, Yuta entertains the thought, maybe not even for the first time, that Jungwoo was more of a peacock than a pelican. Pretty and fussy, and while peacocks showed off with their colorful fan of wings, Jungwoo’s lethal weapon were his pout and eyes, melting hearts whether he was whipping them out because he wanted to be spoiled or he was being petulant over something he didn’t get.
They did have one real difference though, he considered as he heard the comically ugly and ear-piercing cry of the peacock, as if summoned by Yuta’s audacious thoughts, and that was how Jungwoo’s voice, unlike the annoyed peacock, was just as pretty as him.
Suddenly his head is filled with the memories of those long nights back when everything was shut down because of quarantine and they were pretty much stuck at the dorm, and at nights Yuta would often find himself with his head on Jungwoo’s lap as he carded his fingers through his hair and sang him any song he requested in his sweet melodic voice, and he’d feel something close to the safety of when his mother sang him a lullaby, but not quite the same, being held by Jungwoo somehow feeling more vulnerable and raw.
Yuta always made a note to mention how much he adored his voice from day one, more so to state his appreciation than as an attempt at reassurance that Jungwoo often thought it to be, but thinking of it now, Yuta didn’t recall if he ever told Jungwoo how much his sweet murmurs and soft singing grounded him at those ugly times when it felt like everything they strived for was pushed to the side and thrown away like an afterthought. Jungwoo’s voice was a stretched part of his beauty and sweetness that poured and leaked out of him and Yuta knew he was blessed to be in his vicinity enough to always have it filling his ears.
Yuta feels his mind taken over by the warm ball of expanding affection he was running away from being consumed by all day. He didn’t know why he was being so sentimental today. He was loath to admit to himself how this had become a common theme of his thoughts whenever Jungwoo wasn’t clinging to him as usual. As if the temporary distance of being five feet away, as opposed to him being plastered on his back, was enough to cause these ripples of revelation.
Yuta always tried to keep himself in check, fondly remembering how Doyoung used to repeat “You lose precious things when tricked into familiarity” to Taeyong of all people, he saw some universal truth to that, even with how dramatic Doyoung was being.
But it was hard to not fall into cliches of forgetting how much you truly value something until it’s taken away from you, even if temporarily, when the ‘something’ in question was a level of touch and clinginess that made him instinctually shut down and squirm. But Jungwoo has bent him into shapes he never saw himself folding into, molded him into accepting his sweetness over the years, and now every time he gets to step back and perceive Jungwoo from slightly afar, he can’t help but crave that sugar high again.
Jungwoo catches his eye for what feels like the first time since they’ve got here, unaware of Yuta’s musing but somehow sensing his attention, the corners of his eyes bunches up from an amused smile as he mouths “What?”. Yuta grins and lets his eyes wander away.
As Yuta sipped his newly acquired watermelon juice (Doyoung, ever the observant dongsaeng, had bought him one when he had seen him staring longingly at Taeyong’s), he thought to himself how funny it was that Jungwoo couldn’t guess in a million years what was going through his mind right now. How he truly had no grasp on what a big space he took in his heart, how frequently thoughts of him popped in his mind in the most unlikely hours, visiting him like a fairy, lightening up his days.
Yuta used to think it was better this way, to keep his cards close to his chest, have everyone hanging off his arms and only projecting attention and affection when the object of it least expected it, Tsundere to a T.
But as he’s growing older, he’s starting to question his decade old habits. He’s starting to see the power of giving back fully, of opening up, not just in work-related occasions, but more frequently, the novelty of keeping his friends thirsty and hooked up on his attention slowly wearing off. He’s starting to let them in even more, specially Jungwoo and Haechan, his starved baby birds, with their beaks always gaping open, waiting noisily for him to drop all the love he has in store.
What’s with him and all these bird analogies today? He supposes it’s only natural, his mind always adjusted to his surroundings, absorbing things quickly to make his life easier, it’s the same thing that has helped him survive in a different country and culture all these years.
As they approach the section that’s supposed to hold an exhibition of some kind, he feels Doyoung nudge his shoulder gently, prying only with his eyes, expression open and inviting. It’s like he sensed him being lost in thought; forever perceptive Doie, always picking on everyone’s shift in mood, sometimes before they themselves sensed it. He knew so well how to silently reach out to smooth out whatever crease he saw in their group.
Fortunately there was nothing for him to be concerned about this time, Yuta was only pondering over his…well, feelings, if you could call it that, untangling this knot of thoughts and emotions one bird metaphor at a time. Yuta nudged him back, slightly less gentle, his grin growing bigger from all the love and appreciation he felt, showing Doyoung all of his 32 teeths. Doyoung gave him back his pretty gummy smile, now more relieved.
As Yuta sits down beside Jungwoo he thinks to himself how silly and cute it is that they’re in the audience of a show run by birds as they are winding down a day after their own performance. He feels light and giddy and he cheers on the birds as they fly down to where their guide introduces them.
When the show ends he raises his voice over the sound of their own claps, because he wouldn’t miss out on an opportunity to tease Jungwoo,
“And for the last bird we have Kim Chukgu”. And widens his arms as if to usher him to fly down, grinning stupidly to the sight of an exasperated but smiley Jungwoo.
Yuta just loved calling him by that nickname, and he damn deserved to, after he had lost hours of sleep the night they filmed the content, thinking about how Jungwoo fit into the role of a star soccer player, his lanky figure suddenly looking broad in that jersey, waking up a part inside Yuta he hadn’t dwelled much on in years, his head supplying him with memories of the couple of times he had played soccer with him.
As the words leave his mouth he once again thinks to himself how fitting it was to think of Jungwoo as a bird, as he fumbled with the words he picked on today, matching them to Jungwoo’s characteristics. Pretty and elegant, smart and picking up on patterns quickly, with a knack for impersonations and just the right side of silly.
Really, Yuta feels like he just had an epiphany. It was common for all of them to see a likening of a puppy in Jungwoo, and it was all very true, but there were always layers to these things. It was easy to stick to symbols and analogies and representatives, especially the ones that came with their broadcasted prototyped image. There was always some truth and reality to those, but they were also potentially dangerous because they had a tendency to become redundant when people insisted on only seeing them through those.
Despite that, Jungwoo always relished in being their puppy, carrying the term as if it was an official title, Yuta didn’t know if like with most things Jungwoo immersed himself so well into, those characteristics had meld into him to the point that it became indistinguishable from himself or he always had them in him and just needed some coaxing for them to come out.
Whatever the case, Yuta didn’t want to reduce Jungwoo to anything, even if it was within the confines of his own mind, but he reveled in the fact that it was so easy to liken to Jungwoo to different animals, which all pointed to how pure and innocent everyone deemed him, precious and harmless, someone to be protected and cherished.
They pile into the shuttle bus and somehow he once again finds himself sitting beside Jungwoo, as if that is their rightful place. Yuta tries to soak up the remaining hours of their trip in the rush of wind that blew his hair into his face. If he lets himself think too much he might start questioning if he had been in his own head for too long. But really there was nothing to worry about, he wasn’t one to regret easily, he gave into his whims when the time called for it and never looked back, they always served as a way to make his memories more colorful and alive, painted with something beyond just an unmovable scenery.
He lets his hand slip to Jungwoo’s knee, outside of the camera’s frame. He could sense Jungwoo discretely eyeing him from the side. Yuta smiles to himself, squeezing his knee. He was sure Jungwoo had one of his small private smiles on his face, but he continued on with his conversation, not faltering in teasing the others sitting in the back.
Yuta feels content, sated and pleasantly heavy with a discovery that has been brewing inside him for quite a while without him ever giving it a name. His hand absentmindedly caresses Jungwoo’s knee, basking in the warmth that seeped through his side, oddly not bothersome despite the heat that surrounded them. Yuta feels light but tethered to the moment, hearing and seeing everything, drinking it all in.
Jungwoo unnecessarily repeats parts of others’ conversation that Yuta didn’t verbally reacted to, in a whisper that has him squirming in the tight space from tickles, but he tries to resist pulling away as usual, fearing the bubble of his serenity would burst with Jungwoo slipping back into his faux-hurt sulkiness. Yuta wants to be as close to him as he could.
He could sense Jungwoo’s giddiness in his tone and how he kept craning his neck towards him, trying to tuck as much of his bigger frame into his side, the spirit of a big puppy and a bird perching on your shoulder merged into one sweet man.
After some more minutes of driving through some parts of Taman Mini, they get out of the car to wrap up the recording. Yuta would’ve liked to stay longer and really visit all the places but they had a flight to catch. Being on tour has taught him to appreciate the fleeting hours they had to themselves to visit places in a new country before they had to inevitably hop on the next plane. In some ways he likes to think this has added to the intensity of the memories they’ve made everywhere.
Yuta hangs on to Jungwoo’s shoulder as they all say their ending comments. He feels Taeyong hugging him from behind, just a kitty waiting for an opportunity to get clingy with his fellow cat. As if sensing that his inhibitions are low, Taeyong slings an arm around his waist and rubs at his stomach, like they do to kids to help them digest. Yuta has half a mind to turn around and hiss at him.
The recording crew starts gathering their equipment and putting their cameras away. Jungwoo, relieved from the burden of being watched, closes the small space left between them and kind of hovers behind him like his double shadow, dislodging Taeyong from Yuta’s back in the process. Taeyong scurries away to cling to Johnny with his tail between his legs.
Yuta usually grumbles at Jungwoo to not follow him around like a puppy, complaining that he gets spooked sometimes at his sudden proximity, but really, he always kind of liked having him stick around. There’s a quiet reassurance in his clinginess, one Yuta sure didn’t see himself getting used to, craving it even, not that he’ll ever admit it. Years of living in the dorms softened his edges and now it feels like there’s a Jungwoo-shaped hole on his side that at some of those lonely days, coming more frequently recently, makes him miss the noisier life of 10th floor, with those he loved the most in the world a wall or at most an elevator ride away.
The thought of going back to his own empty and quiet flat makes a cold weight settle down in his stomach. Desperate for his tranquil mood to not leave him because of his gloomy thoughts, Yuta clings a bit closer to Jungwoo, taking his arm and perching it on his own shoulder, not letting go of his wrist and probably earns himself a questioning glance from Johnny and Jaehyun who are standing close to them. Jungwoo makes a humming sound but doesn’t ask him anything.
As the cars get there to pick them up and take them back to their hotel, Yuta wonders if he should detach himself from Jungwoo so later when they’re going to the airport he could ride with him without causing suspicion. He can’t believe he's entertaining such thoughts, Yuta’s never been one to spare a second to what anyone around him might read from his actions, but today he somehow feels transparent and with a huge secret to safeguard. But before he could stew any more over it, Jungwoo, ever the angel, comes to his rescue.
“I’ll go with Yuta hyung.” Jungwoo announces to everyone.
“Yah, you were supposed to show me the pictures we took that day, I wanted to post something tonight” Doyoung protests petulantly.
“I’ll just send them all to you.” Jungwoo says dismissively.
“Do NOT. I don’t need you to blow up my Kakao with the thousand snaps you took, we’ll go through them after practice tomorrow” Doyoung concedes with a pout.
“Whatever” Jungwoo sticks his tongue out like a child. Yuta chuckles, he always gets a kick out of anyone bickering with Doyoung, and Jungwoo is a master at it. Jungwoo pulls him in closer and smiles at him knowingly. Warning bells go off in Yuta’s head, but it’s too late to separate himself from Jungwoo. Yuta assures himself that Jungwoo can’t read his mind and he’s just being silly.
Yuta tries to create some space between them in the car to clear his head of the dangerous fog that’s settling in it but Jungwoo scoots all the way to his side when he gets in and practically traps him by the door. Yuta would normally put up a fight that’d have Jungwoo sulking defeatedly but he doesn’t find the strength in himself to do so. Jungwoo sensing his unusual receptiveness entertwines their fingers and drags Yuta’s hand on his own lap.
“Hyung, are you okay?” Jungwoo searches for his eyes. This brat, admittedly sensing something wrong if he doesn’t reject his advances.
“Of course I am. Why wouldn’t I be?” Yuta grumbles out, tone a little snappy at the end. Jungwoo doesn’t respond, just squeezes his clasped hand. Yuta huffs and gives a dejected squeeze back. That seems to reassure Jungwoo enough to get him to start marveling at the adventures of their day.
“Ah hyung, did you see that eagle? What was its name? Javan? It was so majestic" He says majestic in English, turning the word in his mouth like he's tasting it. It gives Yuta a surge of cute aggression so strong he almost chokes on it. He hums noncommittally before he does something drastic, like kiss Jungwoo square on his mouth.
Jungwoo goes on a bit more about whatever caught his eye today as if Yuta wasn’t there with him the whole time. Still, Yutal doesn’t protest. There’s something inherently soothing about Jungwoo yapping away about his day, something akin to background noise, but Yuta is still listening, even though it always looks like he isn’t, which is a common reason for Jungwoo’s sulking. As Jungwoo shifts the topic to his favorite thing to talk about, food, he starts scrolling through the photos he took, occasionally asking Yuta about which one he should choose for his Instagram post.
“You always do this hyung. No matter what I show you, you say it’s good and I should post it. Are you even looking?” Jungwoo complains with a slight frown.
“It’s because they’re all good. I keep telling you, you should post whatever you like, the fans would like it nonetheless.” Yuta reasons for what feels like the hundredth time.
This is something he’s had an argument about with probably every single person in his life. Yuta himself isn’t one to ask for others’ opinions about these types of things and he just doesn’t get why anyone else would feel the need to do so. There’s also the fact that Yuta generally isn’t picky and whenever anyone asks him which thing looks or tastes better, he genuinely feels neutral about the options unless it’s something groundbreaking. Worse case is when someone asks him to check if there’s anything wrong with their look or outfit and he almost always says there isn’t, because Goddamn it, it all looks fine to him, and it turns out there’s something Yuta hadn’t paid attention to. This habit of his tends to piss his loved ones off.
Despite all this, Jungwoo still asks for his opinion on anything and everything, and now they’ve built a system where usually Yuta just picks for Jungwoo whenever he feels overwhelmed by too many options. They work well together for this exact reason, even though once in a while Jungwoo likes to complain about the same trait that helps him function. As he is now. But it’s all probably because he wants some attention right now, and Yuta feels inclined to give him some.
“You spoke to the guide so well today. You should tell Ellie, she’d be proud.” Yuta says with only a smidge of his usual teasing tone, his smile soft enough to convince Jungwoo that he’s being sincere.
Jungwoo lifts his head that he had been momentarily leaning on Yuta’s shoulder, his eyes wide in delighted surprise.
“You remember Ellie?” His face is so lit up over Yuta remembering a detail he had mentioned to him only about a hundred times that Yuta doesn’t know what to do with the feeling it evokes. Heart-wrenching fondness, an urge to protect, and a bitter reminder in the back of his mind that maybe he should let it show more how much he cares and pays attention to him, so he wouldn’t look this shocked every time he lets it slip.
“Of course I remember your English teacher. Do you still get lessons from her?”
“Yeah but a little less frequently since we’ve been busy with comeback preparations and stuff. But sometimes I text her about the things I learned on my own and she corrects my mistakes.” He explains enthusiastically. Yuta gives in to the urge and pats his hair in praise, guiding his head back to his own shoulder to lean on. Jungwoo goes willingly, humming with a satisfied smile.
“You’re good with learning languages. If you get enough free time I’m sure you’ll get fluent faster than anyone else.” This makes Jungwoo bump the side of their heads together and squeeze his hand he hadn’t let go of this whole time a little more tightly.
“Ah Hyung, you always compliment me so well, thank you, really.” He says with a voice so sweet Yuta considers if he could get a tooth cavity through his ear. He decides to say nothing in answer, instead leaning his head on top of Jungwoo’s head. Jungwoo finally goes back to his phone, this time more silent as he starts editing some of the photos he took with one hand, stubbornly not letting go of Yuta’s hand to free his other.
There’s traffic on their way back to their hotel and it gives Yuta time to fret over the long flight and who he’s going to seat beside during it. They’re all going to be sleeping anyway, but the prospect of not being by Jungwoo’s side threatens to open the door to all the emotions and thoughts he’s been trying, and partially failing, to keep locked away the whole day. So he decides quickly, as is his forte, to invite Jungwoo to his house. And since he’s already been there, basically inviting himself over with no trace of shame, Yuta doesn't have to think about the state of his apartment. It’s nothing Jungwoo hasn’t seen before. They’d get there in the early morning anyway, with their first schedule being in the afternoon he could make some plans for their lunch.
“Jungwoo, when we get back you should come to my place after we land. We haven’t gone to the gym together in a while.” Yuta says with as much nonchalance as he could muster. Jungwoo has already jerked up. “And I brought a…new bath essence from Japan this time, you can take a bath, you’d like it, it smells really nice.” He scrambles the last part, he’s never had to make excuses to get someone to spend time with him, and he definitely doesn’t have to now, either, but something’s making him lose his nerves for the first time, a timidness so unfamiliar he almost gets a whiplash. Jungwoo is looking at him like he grew another head or something. So much for keeping it cool.
“Hyung, seriously? Whoa, I should tell everyone in the group chat, they’d lose it if they hear that NAKAMOTO YUTA has invited ME to his house on his own accord. Wow. I can’t believe it.” He enunciates every word like he’s delivering a sports commentary, and now he’s starting to type on his phone before Yuta snatches it away. He’s never going to hear the end of it if any of them catch a whiff of what he just said. Going to each others’ places isn’t unusual for any of them, but Yuta has dodged anyone’s attempt at getting him to host a dinner or even invite one of them over, so this is bound to raise some eyebrows and make them tease him to no end. And he’s not going to let that happen under his nose.
“Do you want me to take my invite back?” He gives Jungwoo his least threatening look, which is still enough to make him shiver. Jungwoo folds in an instant, puppy eyes making a quick appearance. He presses himself back to Yuta’s side.
“Noooo I was just joking.” He whines like a real puppy. He now has Yuta’s whole forearm clutched to his own stomach. “We can go to that restaurant Hyuckie keeps talking about for lunch.” He fusses over the hem of Yuta’s shirt, trying to straighten it out. Yuta’s happy he somehow got too distracted to point out his unusual behavior.
“Hmm sounds like a good idea. But he’s gonna come for our ass if he finds out we went there without him.”
“Oh, should we ask him to join then?” Jungwoo says with an almost missable pout. Damn it, that’s not what Yuta meant. He has nothing against going out with Haechan, he’s great at picking out the best menus for each restaurant, but he kind of wants to be alone with Jungwoo for now.
“No. I mean we should keep it to ourselves, we’d go with him another time.” Yuta tries to keep his tone as unsuspecting as possible.
“Oh, so it’s like a secret date.” Jungwoo utters giddily, wiggling his eyebrows. What a menace.
“Sure. Whatever you want to call it.” Yuta doesn’t let it show that the word stirs a flock of butterflies in his stomach, even when he himself uses it jokingly.
Jungwoo leans his head back on his shoulder and takes his phone back from his grasp. They stay silent for the rest of the drive.
Packing and dinner goes uneventfully, except for maybe a couple of side glances from Johnny lasting a little too long for Yuta’s jittery state.
Jungwoo sits beside him on the plane without him having to ask. As they’re about to take off, Jungwoo clasps his hands in his. It had slipped his mind how Jungwoo gets a little antsy when flying. He’s hunching a bit, probably waiting for the wave of nausea caused by the airsickness to pass, and their intertwined hands end up near Jungwoo’s rapidly beating heart.
Yuta’s head suddenly conjures up an image of a sparrow, small and frantic. He read somewhere once how they were the symbol of having pure and innocent hearts, so small that it easily overflowed with emotion, not bearing any malice. Jungwoo’s heart was so big, with doors wide open to embrace all, but it was also tiny and tender, kind and empathetic to a fault.
As the plane finally stabilized, Jungwoo slowly lowered his head to their hands, where Yuta had been drawing circles on his to soothe him, and planted a quick kiss on top. He looked up from under his bangs, a small appreciative smile lighting up his face.
And just like that, Yuta knew, this time for certain, what to name the ever-growing fondness in his heart.