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He watched the owl as it disappeared into the night sky, fully aware that once its intended recipient got the letter, all hell would break loose.
At least I hope it does.
Severus Snape was not a fool and was fully aware that Albus Dumbledore held the love and admiration of a large population of wizarding U.K in his palms for defeating Grindlewald. Severus knew many looked to the old man to save them from Voldemort and as much as Severus knew that in the end The Order of The Phoenix would be successful thanks to Albus, he could not shake the immense anger he felt for the man.
Anger for brushing his humanity to the side and demanding that he, Severus, kill him.
Anger for never standing up for him against teenage Sirius Black and Co.
Anger for never telling adult Black to shut up.
Anger for never properly punishing Black and his friends while they were all in school.
At first when he had woken up, hanging upside down, and realized where he was, he had genuinely thought about going to Albus and telling him all that he knew. Telling him about the war and the lives that would be lost. And as much as he detested James Potter and Co, he had wanted to prevent their deaths and suffering.
All that changed as he made his way to the Gryffindor Common Room. He heard the taunts and jeers of the student population and when he finally got the chance to speak to Lily, he realized how stupid he really was.
Surely this could not be the same Lily he had spent his previous life trying to apologize and rectify all that he had done that led to her death.
"Does it matter now?"
It had been like a slap to the face, the realization she never asked if he was alright or what even happened that night.
"Whatever it is, he could have died but he still went after you..."
From what? Severus had wanted to scream, He could have died but apparently only Potter's life mattered?!
"...plus he may be a bully but again he doesn't go around slinging the word mudblood at innocent people." And that was when it finally hit Severus. Up till this point, at least in this timeline, he had not fully chosen a side. He had not gone to Voldemort about the prophecy, whatever happened to Lily tomorrow did not have to concern him.
It had been freeing to realize that, calling his supposed best friend a mudblood was a terrible thing that he still deeply regretted and oh how he wished he had been pushed back just fifteen minutes earlier to stop himself from saying it, again. But now he realized he had finally been given a second chance and as he stared at Lily, watched her and took in the things she said to him, Severus realized their friendship had been over for a good while now.
He had been the one holding on to them. He had been the one who sought her out. And he had been the desperate fool to blind to see that they had drifted apart, their paths in life too different.
"You get the option to be friends with your dorm mates because you enjoy their company, I stay on good terms with mine because I need protection."
It had stunned even him when he had said that. In a way, it felt like he was talking to himself, using her as a mirror for words he could never express, words he was too frightened to admit but words that were the truth nonetheless.
They really had never been his friends, he had stayed with them for protection. and Lily could never understand that. She had been lucky enough to be sorted into the "right" house. Lucky enough to have new robes and items for school. Lucky enough to be so incredibly likeable that people fell over themselves for her friendship and loathe as he was to admit it, Lily was lucky enough to have caught the attention of someone like James Potter. Her being a muggleborn would always be an issue for many in the wizarding world but she would always have people ready and willing to fight for her.
Severus never had that, he would never have that.
Severus had looked at himself then, an unpleasant thought he had always tried to push to the back of his mind, to ignore, to vanish, came spiralling back to the forefront of his thoughts.
If you and Lily had never been friends, your time at Hogwarts may have been easier.
The most painful thing about it was that nagging thought was true. By their sixth year, the harassment from Potter and co. had reduced significantly. They still harassed him and he took advantage when ever he had the chance but with him out of Lily's life, his final years as a student had been easier.
It is not her fault that I spent too much time attached to her. Too much time attached to people I should have walked away from.
And so that was what he did. He walked away.
Walked passed jeering classmates and housemates who made empty promises of; once you join this new movement you will never be alone and we will always have your back. Walked passed apathetic professors and better than thou students from other houses.
He walked passed a life that promised nothing but pain and suffering, servitude and bitterness. Instead he moved towards the unknown, immensely scared and unsure if this life would be better or worse than his previous one but it would be a cold day in hell if he did any of that nonsense again. A freezing day in hell if he fought for people who would happily stab him in the back.
He had done many messed up things in his previous life and spent the rest of his very short time making up for his actions. As far as he was concerned, this was his second chance and nothing would get in the way of his happiness.