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Sitting up here has always been the ideal place for me to clear my mind. People rarely make the trek up the stairs, some too afraid and some simply too lazy. I didn't mind, though. I enjoy the silence. My classmates are wonderful, but being around them 24/7, Especially with the new dormitory arrangements… they can be a bit much.
Realistically, I know I shouldn't be up here. There's no signs, no lock on the door to the roof, and no verbal warnings against it, but even still it's common sense to know it's against the rules.
It’s not like I care, though. I can handle a bit of chastising in exchange for this view. I can see almost all of campus, all the way to the towering wall at the edge of the grounds. The wind on my face is nice, and the light tapping of the branches on the cement bricks down the side of the building is grounding.
Tonight is different from my normal escapes. The air is colder where my tears have fallen down my face, and I shiver. The weather is too cold for me to be wearing just my sleep tank and training sweats, but letting myself feel the sting of the cold is one of the only things keeping my mind from completely numbing out.
I can't help but feel as if I am failing everyone around me. My friends, my teachers, and most of all myself. I want nothing more than to make myself more than where I came from, but every week I watch my grades slip further down the scale no matter how hard I try.
The weather is too cold for me to be wearing just my sleep tank and training sweats, but letting myself feel the sting of the cold is one of the only things keeping my mind from completely numbing out.
Standing up from my place in the corner where the two ledges on the roof meet, I decide to perch myself on the edge, letting my leg dangle lazily off the top of the building, curling my other knee against my chest. I feel the adrenaline pump through my veins, and I know I should *feel* afraid… but I don't. I have far greater emotions to try and stifle right now.
I keep my body stable as a shiver against the wind that is much colder without the shelter of the barriers. I stay like this for quite some time, thinking about the events of the past few months, and how I've reached where I am. I’ve handled financial insecurity, homelessness, and abuse enough to make a grown man cry. It seems almost surreal, like someone else has been living my life and gives me a few moments here and there to sit down and catch up.
I lose my ability to numb my thoughts, and my emotions spill over and progress into silent sobs.
I'm so lost in thought that I don’t hear the door to the roof open, or even the footsteps slowly approaching me.
“....Y/N?” a familiar voice calls out.
I startle slightly, losing my balance. I feel something rough around my arm, keeping me stable.
Looking over my shoulder, I see Aizawa-sensei. He’s wearing a hoodie and sweats, but he's holding his capture weapon in his hands, one end extended to me, wrapped tightly around my wrist.
His normally expressionless face is set in a concerned, yet serious expression. He’s staring at me expectantly, waiting for me to respond to him.
“Oh, hey, sensei” I answer quietly, cursing myself at how raspy and defeated my voice sounds. Hoping that at least the shadows casting over me hide my red face and puffy eyes.
“Y/N… can you get down from there, please?” Aizawa asks hesitantly, his body tense, looking as if he is ready to lunge at any second.
I look at him. Confused, assessing his behavior. After what felt like an eternity of silence, I realized why he's acting so strange and quickly moved down from my spot.
“Oh my god… sensei I- I know what you’re thinking, but it's okay, you can relax, It's not what you think.” I hold my hands up in earnest, but at this point he can see the glint of tears in my eyes, and it's not helping my case.
“Sensei, I promise you… I was only up here to clear my head. Nothing else. I know I shouldn't be up here, I swear you don't need to worry, it is just the only place I can get some quiet-”
My ramble is cut short as he yanks on his scarf, pulling me further away from the edge. I stumble forward and he catches me, wrapping his arms tightly around my shoulders, one hand firmly holding my head against his collarbone.
He says nothing as he holds me here, and I'm too shocked to do anything other than accept it. His breath is shaky as he pulls back and places a hand on each of my shoulders, assessing me with a stern look. I shiver at the lack of warmth, not realizing how much he provided and how cold I was previously. “You have no idea how worried I was, kid. I was walking… I saw you while coming back from the training grounds. I thought-” He takes a sharp breath, as if remembering something suddenly, ”let's get you inside, you’re freezing.” He says while taking off his hoodie and placing it over my head.
He leads me back to the common room, and he makes us both a mug of black tea in the kitchen.
He hands me my mug and sits next to me on the sofa, watching me carefully, and I make the mistake of looking directly at him.
His eyes bear into me with genuine care, and all those feelings of shame and failure rise above repression. It all but shatters what little resolve I had left after an already emotional night. I feel my eyes flood with tears, and my lungs burn at the strain of trying not to full-on sob.
Ultimately failing, my body wracks in a breath. Sadness, anger, embarrassment, they all flood out of me as I struggle to compose myself. Anger that my teacher who I look up to is seeing me in such a fragile state. Shame because he will see me as weak, as not the right material for a hero. Fear for moments and of people that have long since been removed from my life.
He doesn't say anything at first, but he pulls me close again, letting me know he is here and that it's okay. His hand lightly ran over my hair in a comforting gesture.
“Y/N… take all the time you need. You’re safe here.”
I continue sobbing, though I know that I don't have any option at this point, my body has decided its course and I have no energy left to fight it. It helps that Aizawa-sensei is so patient. It's been far too long since I've had people comfort me in any sense of the word, and while unusual, it's nice to not have to fight by myself. I deserve to let myself be comforted for once.
It takes a while, but eventually my breathing evens out and I have the ability to talk again. My embarrassment at my breakdown, however, does not fade away.
I pull away, face a deep red as I look away and mumble an apology to Aizawa. Who is as thoughtful as ever and looks down at me.
“Y/N.”
I look over to him slowly, trying to get over the shame rising in my chest.
His expression is soft as he speaks, “If having the pleasure of being your teacher has taught me one thing about you, It’s that I know you’re not going to talk about this tonight, if at all… You remind me a lot of myself at your age. I hope I'm not misjudging when I say this, but because of that I want you to know I see the effort you put in, and I want you to take a break and not be so hard on yourself.” He stops to take a breath before continuing, “You’re doing amazing despite everything life has thrown at you these past few months. But that doesn’t mean you have to handle it all on your own… I’m here if you ever need anything, you understand?”
I nod my head, hoping my eyes show him how thankful I am. Thankful for his constant observing that spares me the need to explain anything to him, he just gets it.
He pats me on the head before standing up and giving me a small, empathetic smile.
“I want you to go to your room and get some rest, it’s late. I’ll write you a pass for your classes tomorrow. Return my hoodie when you get the chance, but no rush. Just… take care of yourself, alright, kid?”
He smirks slightly before putting on what we as a class have coined his ‘dad face’, “Oh, and no more going up to the roof unless you let me know first.”
With that he walks toward the teachers quarters, and I head toward my room. For the first time in a while, I slept through the night.