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Gabriel had been hanging around like a bad smell recently.
And sure, his presence was nowhere near the irritation it had once been, but there were only so many times Dean could handle his incessant nicknames. And as the weeks had passed since he’d become a permanent fixture in the bunker, those nicknames were getting more and more ridiculous. It was some consolation to Dean, that if Gabe was rubbing him up the wrong way, he at least wasn’t having to watch him literally rubbing up against his brother.
It was true testament to the bizarre nature of their lives that judging by how Gabriel’s relationship was going with Sam, and his own with Castiel, Gabe was the closest thing that Dean was likely to get to a brother-in-law. Twice over!
Castiel had once pointed out that whenever Dean was troubled by any memories about how his father had treated them in the past; about his prejudice to non-human creatures, not to mention his raging homophobia, he should remember that John’s head would implode at the thought that both of his sons were having sex with not only an Angel, but a male Angel at that. Fuck John Winchester - Dean couldn’t wait to rock up in heaven and stick his tongue down Cas’ throat in front of him.
It was during one of the many evenings where all 4 of them were hanging out in the bunker that Dean finally lost his shit. This evening alone he’d already been subjected to Puddean, D-Dog, Deanstroyer of Worlds, Deanna Ross, R2Dean2, Vitamin Dean, Deangeons and Dragons, DeanNA, Deanish Pastry, Deanial, Dean WhineChester and Deanosaurus Rex.
Dean had had enough, storming out of the room with a face like thunder.
“Woah… you might say he’s really living up to being Run Dean MC” Gabriel quipped. Sam smirked; it was his baby brother privilege to take a little delight in his older sibling getting riled up over some harmless teasing. Sam tried his hardest to not find it adorable when Gabe came up with these things, but he invariably thought it was charming. It must be love.
“Do you think I should go after him?” Castiel fretted, starting to get up from the war room table.
“Nah Bro! He’s just being a crabby Deaonsaur. He’ll calm down in 5-7 business days.” Gabriel leant back in his seat, slinging his feet up onto the table and tipping the chair back at a perilous angle, he tucked his hands behind his head as if to confirm that his work here was done.
Just moments later Dean stalked back in with a look somewhere between smug satisfaction and irritation. He slammed a book down on the table and shoved it at Gabriel.
“Being you’re Mr Chatty tonight, I think it’s high time you explained this.”
Gabe picked up the hefty tome and spun it in his hands to read the spine. “Oh Deano, Deano, Deano. You don’t want to be reading this pile of trash! It’s nothing to do with me. Although I wouldn’t mind the royalties!”
Curious, Castiel got up and moved to stand beside Gabriel, opening the book to reveal the title page. Holy Bible.
“Dean, we’ve talked about this.” Castiel’s tone was gentle, but he couldn’t disguise his exasperation.
“Yeah, yeah I get it Babe, but this one – “ Dean jabbed a finger towards Gabriel, “- kinda gets a starring role in a pretty big part. I can’t believe that he’s totally innocent. This has got him written all over it.”
Popping his chair back upright Gabe sighed. “Ok, numero uno, Big D, the white robes bullshit is total fake news. Wings. Sure. Obviously, that’s a thing – who doesn’t love a bit of wing action, right Samalam?” Sam blushed furiously, casting his eyes down to his hands. “You too Deano, am I right!?”
Dean cast a panicked look at Castiel who just shook his head gently at being drawn into Gabriel’s mischief. He returned to his chair beside Dean and gave his arm a little squeeze in a vain attempt to calm him.
“Second of all. This thing was written by a load of hacks.” Gabriel was gesticulating wildly with the book now. “Everyone wants a piece of the religion racket, but no one thought to ask the actual players who were really involved.”
Gabriel was on a roll and jumped to his feet, flinging the book back on the table, it skittered to the far end before sliding into Dean’s lap.
“Third of all. It was supposed to be a bit! I can’t help it if that broad believed me when I said she was ‘having the son of God’.” Gabriel mimicked Castiel’s use of air quotes, giving a sideways glance at him to show he was definitely teasing his brother’s penchant for using his hands to communicate. “I thought it would be funny to mess with dear old Dad. Y’know, because his favourite, Luci was off the rails and the rest of us were clearly a disappointment, so maybe he should sow some more wild oats to try again. That poor girl just happened to be the first hottie to cross my path - I didn’t even know she had a bun in the oven for crying out loud!”
“Turns out her and old Joseph had been doing the horizontal mambo for a while and this was the perfect opportunity for her to deny it to her parents! If you really think about it, I kinda did her a favour!”
Now he’d started there was no shutting Gabriel up. He seemed to physically ready himself to perform, flexing his elbows and firmly setting his stance. “So, I was all like - Do not be afraid baby girl, for you have found favour with God. Blah blah blah. “
Gabe laid on the booming voice and stood serenely holding his hands crossed across his chest, looking piously to the ceiling. “Name him Jesus, yada yada, and Dadio will give him the throne etc. etc.” he continued. “So shoot me if I was always a poet. I still maintain it was comedy gold.”
Gabe flopped back into his chair, his am-dram moment over for now.
“If it helps… Dad did kinda think it was funny - at least initially…”
“Of course, once she started repeating the tale to any Tom, Dick and Harry who cared to listen, it kinda snowballed… but you can’t blame me for that!”
Dean snapped raising his voice. “Can’t blame you? You started a religion for crying out loud!”
“Hey, hey, hey!” Gabriel threw up his hands in mock offence at Deans tone. “It wasn’t me that pretended I’d seen a perfectly normal guy with flip flops and hair longer than Sammy-boy doing miracles out in the desert. I mean, healing the normies is strictly an us thing.” He gestured between himself and Castiel. “And the whole loaves and fishes thing? That was just an urban legend blown out of all proportion. They pretty much had catering packs of that stuff that day. No miracles there Deanna.”
“And don’t get me started on the whole resurrection thing. Sure, the guys doling out the torture and murder were dicks of the highest calibre, but the raising from the dead thing? Give me a break! If I’d had to guess I’d say that guy went on a three-day bender and passed out in a cave.”
“If I had a dollar for every time I went AWOL after a heavy sesh, let’s just say I’d be permanently rocking the Bellagio penthouse.”
Dean looked across to see Cas with his head in his hands on the war room table. Dean imagined he’d heard this rant more than once - he wondered if he was going to pay later for bringing it up again. He kinda hoped Cas might be a little angry; hot and bothered Cas was definitely his jam. Pulling his attention back out of his pants, Dean continued. “So how the hell did the book happen?”
“Look El-Deano, think of the Bible like fan fiction. Most of the characters are real people, the writers just made up their own stories to fit their own little needs and kinks.”
“I can assure you that there was a whole lot less pious grumbling and way more fun and sexy times back then than that piece of trash would have you believe. Actually, maybe it’s the exact opposite of fan fiction.” Gabriel winked, wiggling his eyebrows for effect.
“Do I regret some of it? Sure, maybe a smidge, it did kinda take on a mind of its own for a couple of thousand years there, but give me some credit for committing to the bit guys!”
“Jesus Christ.” Dean muttered.
“Exactly.” Gabe nodded. “Exactly. And anyway, why am I the one getting all the heat! What about lover boy over there?” he gestured at Castiel.
“Gabriel.” Castiel sighed calmly - but rather smugly Gabriel thought. “Unlike you, I have always had the good sense to fly rather more under the radar - excuse the pun.” Castiel’s mouth twitched at the corner, clearly rather thrilled with his own play on words. “So, I think you’ll find I don’t appear in here at all.” Cas tapped his fingers on the leather-bound cover of the book that Dean had dropped back onto the table in front of him. “Unsurprisingly, you, my dear brother, tend to make more of a song and dance of things, unlike those of us that were doing the real work of heaven.”
“Fine.” Gabe grumped. “It’s not easy being the golden child! Celebrity is hard work. But you know what the upside of fame is?”
Dean rolled his eyes. “No but I’m sure you’re going to enlighten us.”
Gabriel’s eyes sparkled. “Groupies, Deanalicious. Groupies.” Gabriel stood with a flourish. “Talking of which.”
Gabe grabbed Sam’s hand, prying it from the laptop keyboard where he’d been feverishly typing away trying to avoid the ridiculous conversation between his brother and his boyfriend – “come on Samwich. It’s been far too long since I took the tour of your garden of Eden.” Sam shrugged and followed compliantly as Gabe dragged him out of the library.
Castiel and Dean shared a look, equally frustrated at Gabriel’s performance. “Mine might be messed up Cas, but your family is the worst.” Dean muttered giving Castiel’s shoulder a squeeze as he headed for the whisky. There had rarely been a time he needed a drink more.