Archive of Our Own ^beta

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Time doesn’t quite heal everything or even anything. It’s just a pretty good tool to dig your heart with, very, very deep and hide things there, without thinking how good and safe they are hidden until even a familiar smell is enough to bring hidden ugliness like small beach sinks on the shore.

When Jisung ran from his own country, like the coward he was, as he liked to tell himself with a bitter smile, he didn’t think about it. But he was too heartbroken to think about these kinds of things, too eaten by himself to not take the first chance that appeared in his life and take part in that one exchange program, which came into Jisung’s life like some miracle, so he wasn’t complaining.

That college wasn’t the one he dreamed of and he could do better if he waited just a year or two, but the main problem was Jisung didn’t have time. His lungs felt like someone had them in their hands and gripping them too hard. Everything there smelled like the air in the room that had been stale for a long time.

Too familiar, too… him and Jisung could not stand waking up every day feeling the same and the same and same. Dirty and helpless and… and. He didn’t know what these feelings even were, had no energy to think about them, and healthily cope with them. All he knew, the only voice which was screaming in his head nonstop was telling him to run and run without looking back and not let nostalgia let him down. Because every other day was more helpless and every day he felt like there was less and less air in his lungs to breathe freely.

And Jisung did that. He ran and didn’t look back, no matter how much he missed his parents, friends and feelings when you are familiar with the streets you walk on, in the mood to enjoy the night and let yourself feel sad and alone because of your own choices.

Malaysia was okay. He was just nine years old when he moved from there, big enough to remember how he spent time there, but his mind quickly erased boring, homeschooled, friendless days when he started living in always busy and nosy, but friendly Incheon.

But Cape Town was more than okay, especially the first several months. Maybe it was his mind tricking him, but Jisung really felt like his lungs had filled with fresh air and finally, finally, he could breathe again. His brain started functioning again, old fog slowly leaving his brain cells.

Cape Town was pretty, so pretty it was impossible to not feel like a new man when you stepped foot there first time. So Jisung was happy, as happy as he could with his heart sometimes too hardened with nostalgia he was feeling physical pain. Daytime was sometimes so sad, stepping into classes with many strangers.

It’s not like nobody liked him there, or he had no friends but they were not his always gossipy, freckled friend Felix, or cat-like, but always so caring Minho Hyung. His other Hyungs, Channie and Binnie, who also were music majors and always ready to help Jisung with everything he needed. He was even missing Seungmin’s sassy remarks and their cat-mouse friendship that was just to cover how many soft spots they had for each other. So, yeah, they were strangers and Jisung wasn’t going to change anything in this, he wasn’t going to find replacements for them, he would never.

Seungmin was still making sure of it every day in their face calls, anyway.

Nighttime was even harder because if the whole day was filled with good memories he was thinking about while having a sad smile on his lips, nights were full of him and… and he just could not even think about it. Everything was still awful and still full of begging for a new day to come and to finally end this until dark nights would eat him piece by piece.

Still, time is an awful thing. It throws your deepest scars somewhere too far away from you to reach and try to heal. It gives you a fake feeling of recovery. Makes you think that just because you spend less time thinking about the past and now you are getting used to your friends living in your phone and just because sleep comes so fast when you lay down and just because nightmares come to you not even once in the months and just because you didn’t remember how he smells like and what colour is his eyes under bright sun rays, that everything’s okay, and every piece of your heart have been healed and became a whole.

It’s all a lie. Time heals nothing. It’s just an ugly lie humans love to tell themselves because having faith in a long, long future is easier than dealing with things in present because he is there, back to Incheon. After two years, he breathes the Incheon’s heavy air and he can swear it still smells like burnt potatoes and his intoxicatingly strong citrus smell of shampoo like on that cursed day when Jeongin broke up with him, for some unclear reasons, with a lot of tears and apologies. Each of them shattered Jisung’s heart into a million pieces, he even felt like those pieces spread throughout his whole body to scratch every other organ.

Humans are funny, with all of these lies they love to believe. Because, oh if only Jisung knew that once you experience pain, it stays with you forever like unwashed dirt and no matter how hard you try to hide it, get rid of it it’s just a matter of time before it reminds you itself and reminds you how dirty once you were.

~

The ride from the airport to Felix’s house is long and heavy. Heavy for his heart to endure and still breathless, as if those two years were nothing at all. As if he ran from nothing and for nothing. Because perhaps time passed and Jisung grew up and a thing or two changed and now he was better at dealing with his heartache but it still felt like two years ago, like that cruel day.

What Jisung was even thinking about while coming back to Korea? The truth was, like when he ran from here, thinking that problems would just disappear as soon as he crossed the border, he still had not had a thought about how he would just not return to Incheon and everything would be perfectly okay as if someone cut off that day of his life.

He could not just lie to himself and say everything he did was for Felix and his not-so-surprising news and he never thought of coming back to Korea, moreover, he was willing to return to his home city and Felix’s invitation to his engagement party was also a great reason.

Felix’s and Changbin’s news wasn’t very surprising to anyone. They were dancing around each other even when Jisung was still in Korea. It took a whole year for these two fully whipped idiots to confess their feelings and everyone who knew Bin, also knew how serious he was about relationships and also Felix, a hopeless romantic, so the engagement party was nothing unexpected (and so will not be future parties Changbin will do for his love of life, to celebrate silly little things in their lives just to see big bright smile on his lover’s face)

When Jisung received an invitation from Felix (it came from more like a sad, hopeless wish from the freckled boy than an invitation) he didn’t even think side effects of everything, so many “what will happen”s which were hanging on his way from Malaysia to Korea. He just shook those thoughts away with a wave of his hand and didn’t even regret when “I’ll be there” slipped from his tongue and Felix’s eyes brightened like he could lighten a whole dark room (of course just after he made sure Jisung was not just messing around).

And if Jisung was true to himself, he would do it again.

He could not just let himself hurt his friends twice because of his selfish reasons and one day, his legs would hurt from running so much and Jisung would be forced to look into the eyes of reality and if right now was that moment, he would let it be. Too tired, too sick of himself.

~

When the taxi arrived at the address Felix sent to him, it was already getting dark. Sky was painted in dark blue but everything around him was still visible without the help of street lights.

Leaving the taxi and breathing fresh air was refreshing, as if his brain cells were filled with serotonin and for now he could throw worry back of his mind and enjoy the moment.

God, he was seeing his friends after two fucking years, how could he even let himself be dragged from that awful feelings.

Thirteenth floor.

Jisung sighed after looking at Felix’s message, who knows how many times already.

Felix and Changin bought an apartment months ago. Both had well-paid jobs and to add their parents' help too, Felix’s dream about his own house came true easily.

Others didn’t have their own houses but nobody lived in their university campus anymore. This was sad for just one reason, everything changed and Jisung’s once careless friends who hadn’t even thought about the future for more than twenty minutes now were paying rent, and bills, had jobs and celebrating holidays just for the sake of spending time together.

The changes were good, just sad, that’s all.

Jisung himself was the first one who changed, wasn’t he?

But he still remembers the funny smell of wood and cigarettes in campus rooms, he can bet so does every his friends.

“You know how much I hate elevators” it’s the first thing Jisung says when one knock is all it takes for Felix to open the door.

“Sorry, I’ll exchange the house with my first-floor neighbour” Jisung is now able to see his friend’s newly dyed blonde hair and he is more handsome in reality than from the screen.

Jisung only chuckles at his best friend’s as-always quick comeback before they are in each other's arms, hugging tightly.

“Oh my god, I missed you so fucking much,” Felix breathes out shakily into Jisung’s neck before inhaling his citrus shampoo.

“If you start crying, I will start crying too.”

“Nothing changed, still a bunch of crybabies,” a new voice rings in Jisung’s ear and it’s almost shuddering.

“Thank you I missed you too, dickhead.”

“You better,” Jisung finally breaks the hug with Felix and sees Seungmin at the entrance, leaning on the door frame.

“Aren’t you going to give me a hug?” he pouted.

“Did you deserve it?”

Jisung knows it’s just a facade that Seungmin always hides behind when he has to deal with overwhelming, sometimes awkward emotions but somewhere not even deep down he also knows it’s a question he should ask himself.

But what’s done is done and Jisung sadly can’t change anything or do anything except throw these thoughts back of his mind and enjoy the present where he is with them.

“No, but you can spoil me once,” Jisung poutes again knowing Seungmin is a weak man for Jisung’s pout (so is everyone, he could point this out proudly).

“As if you aren’t spoiled brat enough,” Seungmin sighed once again just for a show before he wrapped his arms around the boy's body tightly as if there would be no other moment. Even tighter than when Jisung was leaving them, as if Seungmin was afraid that if he did not hold him strong enough his friend would disappear again, for years.

Like never Jisung felt how badly he missed them and it got only more awful when they both felt a third thin body wrapped around them firmly.

A single or two tears dropped on Jisung’s shoulder, unable to recognise which one of them was an owner.

~

They ended up on the living room’s comfortable couch, which was covered with cream colour, soft pled and a few stuffed animals on it. Exactly how it suited Felix’s character. The whole house was a carefully thought-out combination of both Felix’s and Changbin’s tastes.

Cute.

They sat there for nearly two hours, talked almost about everyone and everything, little gossipy stories they were not able to share since their phone calls were not that long, and even if it was, they were spending it on more serious and personal things to focus on.

Jisung finally was able to share his little, not very important but comforting experiences. Gossips about his flatmates he could not tell anyone. About people he met there and so on and on.

Only when Seungmin made sure there was no new friend (at least as close as he was to Jisung) to be jealous of and after Felix playfully kicked him in the head ‘Don’t bother Sungie’

only after that Felix wiggled his eyebrows playfully and Jisung knew it was the start of the topic he definitely would not gonna like.

“Sooo, Jisungie, no one in personal life?”

“You know there is no personal life and if someone was there you would already know from how fast you always notice changes in me even there aren’t there”

“Hmm, good point” Felix nodded satisfied with the answer because yes, he counted himself as someone who knew Jisung the best.

This is a perfect dodge, almost perfect.

Almost because no way in the hell Seungmin was that easily defeated.

“After what happened you never mentioned him and everything that happened between you two.”

It is said in a whisper and so does suddenly everything around them goes quiet, even that damn fridge which, Jisung thought, was unreasonably loud, is silenced. Only their heavy breathing fills the room and his heartbeat, he hopes only he can hear.

“That’s… it’s… I said everything and he said everything, so I don’t think there was much to add?”

“By saying everything you mean two sentences barely explaining what went bad between you two? And you ran away, you left us so it seems worse than you told us it was”

“I told you all every reason he told me Seungmin, I told you his side and I told you how I begged him to at least tell my part in this so I’d try to do better,”

“I’m not blaming you, I was not trying to anger you,” it’s sad, it’s angry and it’s a half lie.

“It very much feels like it,”

“Okay, you two, stop it,” Felix waved his hand between them and then placed it on Seungmin’s lips who was trying to continue to explain himself, “Seungmin!”

“It’s okay,” Jisnug takes one last deep breath. He can’t just continue like that, ruining his friend's lives over and over again. It was supposed to be Felix’s happy day, “cut it off. I’m not angry Seungmin, and I know how you felt and feeling right now too. I did everything I could and it doesn’t excuse me for running away from you, but I have reasons, you should respect.”

He knows how hard it was for Seungmin, harder than anyone else, because both of them, Jisung and Jeongin, were too dear for him to choose sides and confusion that both of them left for him was justifying his not well-hidden sadness flavoured with anger.

“I respect you, Hyung”

He sounds too little and he is also so little for Jisung to not wrap him in a tight hug.

It’s okay, they are okay now and they can make up time, they spend separated and continue being okay.

Not a moment later Changbin joined them, hugging Jisung tightly, trying his best to hide tears forming in the corner of his eyes because Jisung would call him a crybaby and they would end up on the floor kicking each other's butts playfully. It’s not a good plan, older missed him too much for this, it will wait.

Changbin’s arrival scatters the last awkward feelings in the air and night continues with sweet aroma. They talk again and again, still so much to say from both sides.

Only when he is in the guest room, in fluffy pyjamas, telling Felix the last funny story and later suddenly stops laughing with an apologising smile on his lips, Jisung realises how hard it actually is to run from the past.

“Jeonging will be there and… and I wanted you to know this. I… I could not just leave him out, I would never do this but… like, I wanted you to know this and I really hope you don’t mind because…”

“Felix, it’s fine,” Jisung felt a need to stop Felix his breathless speech, “we aren’t enemies or something, we separated ways as civil people should and just because I don’t have contact with him, for… obvious reasons, doesn’t mean you all should not have, so it’s more than fine, trust me.”

“I… I just hope everything will be okay for every one of us”

“Me too Lix, me too.”

~

The next day is chaotic.

It gives Jisung anxiety but tries his best to throw it back of his head. It’s everyone’s happy day and he can’t spoil his own and others mood.

It turns out successful because, after breakfast with Changbin and Felix, Jisung is calmer and head full in their engagement party’s preparation.

There is nothing much to prepare, the couple already take care of almost everything and it’s just small things left that Minho and Changbin took in their hands.

Minho is the next person he meets. He doesn’t cry, Jisung is the one who does. It’s just so overwhelming. the sweet, warm embrace of his hyung. So close to home.

He isn’t even able to dry his eyes when Jisung is already in Chan’s arms so tight and secure he almost breaks down and older’s knowing eyes aren’t helping at all.

Hyunjin is next. His comically widened eyes dry the tears on Jisung’s cheeks.

“I thought it was just an evil lie this whole week,” Hyunjin mutters in his neck.

Jeongin doesn’t show up. Of course, he doesn’t, he knows Jisung is here and he would avoid unnecessary meetings.

Felix mutters something like “he has something to take care of, they will be at the party”

They.

He didn’t know Jeongin had someone. Not like it was his business, but it still pinched a little in his heart.

But nothing he could not shake his head to forget, because well it was a happy day after all.

“Sung you are still here?!” Felix ran into the living room where Jisung and Hyunjin were sitting on the couch, or Hyunjin was sitting and Jisung lay down, his head on the younger’s lap. They both were watching some TV program that neither of them was interested in.

“Yes?..”

“Oh my god, you are still in the same clothes and we are leaving in an hour.”

“What’s wrong with my clothes”

“Nothing except it says that you are going to stay single forever.”

“Maybe I do?”

“Gosh I just left you with Hyunjin for half an hour and he already brainwashed you,” Felix shook his head because both Jisung and Hyunjin started opening mouths to complain, “You, go and help your Hyungs in… whatever, just help them! Me and Sungie have things to take care of!”

“Why can’t I come with you?” Hyunjin whined.

“Because you will try my every clothes on and get on my nerves. Shoo now!”

Felix doesn’t leave room for arguing by dragging Jisung with his arm towards his room and they left pouty Hyunjin behind them.

“I’m really okay with my clothes” Jisung made one last attempt to save himself.

“Of course you are! That’s me who isn’t”

Well, he failed.

~

Night comes too fast for Jisung’s liking.

Happy day, he likes to repeat it to himself, but it’s getting more and more annoying because well, today he is going to meet someone he was running away from for two years. Someone he changed his dreams for and someone he left his friends for. Obviously, nothing was happy about this.

For his friend’s sake.

The place Felix and Changbin rented was undoubtedly pretty with a creamy design, perfectly matching their outfits. Jisung smiles at just how cute they were for this.

Felix looks stunning, the prettiest person in this world, Jisung can swear.

His newly dyed blond, long hair is styled with perfect curls. Reaching his shoulders. His velvet classic shirt fitted with a lighter shade of pants.

Before they left the house Jisung joked about how he made the mistake of not asking Felix out first and deserved a kick in the head from Changbin.

When they arrived a lot of guests were already there, Minho and Chan were keeping them company, but after an hour, a large place was already full of people Jisung barely knew. Still, he was introduced by Felix to them, and some of the guests were polite enough to point out how many good things they heard about him.

There also were his old flatmates, even some professors Changbin has a good, close relationship with. So when the couple got lost in a crowd because there were tons of other people who were too excited to congratulate the newly engaged couple, Jisung wasn’t left alone.

Socialization really helped him be pulled out from the sink which has been hurting his bones since morning. Still, it would be better if he’d find one of his friends.

Jisung was acting like paying attention to one of his ex-flatmates bragging about his newly brought car, with a drink in his hand, he was secretly looking around to find someone more familiar.

That’s when his breath hitched, completely frozen in his place, didn’t even mind that now he visibly was not listening to that boy.

Because he was there. After two cursed years, he was in front of him, just four or five steps away and he was watching him, his eyes on Jisung. As frozen as him.

“Isn’t that Jeongin? From psychology major?”

No. nonononono, not this what Jisung was thinking.

“Hey, Jeongin,” of course, Jisung has no luck in his life and everything has to turn out exactly like he didn’t want it to. He knew okay? Jisung knew he would not be able to run forever and a chance of hiding from him getting too little at each step, but not like this, not like when he was still so much sober.

Jeongin and oh… boy in front of him, he was maybe talking to before he would notice Jisung, started to walk toward where he and that car lover boy were standing.

So he is ‘they’.

“Haven’t seen you after college man, how is everything?” the car lover greeted Jeongin with a half hug and just shook hands with another boy, with a genuine smile.

“Everything good, Jooyeon. what about you,” and god, his voice. Jisung has seen Jeongin through Instagram posts but his voice, almost completely forgotten how it sounded, comes back in Jisung’s head as the most painful memory.

But something has changed in there, it’s more mature now, more deep and Jisung can almost feel the goosebumps on his whole body.

He doesn’t even realize when it’s his time to greet them when he feels three pairs of eyes staring at him.

“Hey,” it’s so weak and pathetic, god, “Nice to meet you again, Jeonginie”

Jeonginie.

He doesn’t even know if it’s still okay to call him like that. They became almost strangers.

“Same, hyung, happy to see you again,” Maybe Jisung is hallucinating, because he hasn’t had enough drink to blame it on alcohol but he feels old, boyish and soft tones in Jeongin’s voice when he calls him hyung.

God, he calls him Hyung, again. Jisunng’s gonna vomit overwhelming emotions in the whole room.

“You are Jisung hyung?” a new voice awakes Jisung to not collapse in his own head “I’m Hyunwoo! everyone is talking about you, I really wanted to meet you!”

Well, not everyone. not Jeongin.

Boy sounds genuinely happy to finally have a chance to meet Jisung, his lips are also covered with a real, soft smile and Jisung hates it, hates that there is nothing to hate about this boy, except the fact he is dating a man he will always be in love with.

“Nice to meet you Hyunwoo. Can’t lie that I heard a lot about you but I’ll be glad to”

Jisung is a people pleaser, sometimes. Most times when people are too nice to him he has no other way to act.

“We… we will, ah meet other guests too, if you don’t mind.”

Of course, it will not be always Jisung who is running, now it’s Jeongin’s turn.

Still, his eyes don’t leave Jisung’s.

“Of course, it’s okay, of course,”

One last smile, but it’s only Jisung who is smiling and maybe Hyunwoo too who is excited for reasons Jisung doesn’t know. He also doesn’t know what he heard of Jisung but clearly not the fact whose ex-boyfriend he is, otherwise he would not have that smile. Well, Jisung would not be in his place.

Jeongin just nods and that’s when his eyes leave Jisung’s eyes. He already misses it. Too warm it almost burned him but now it’s replaced with cold reality.

After that they leave and Jisung thinks everything could get worse, so it’s at least okay.

He needs to drink.

~

“It’s like the fifth glass already”

Jisung hears an annoying voice first and then a glass of whisky disappears from his hand. It’s Seungmin, who if Jisung would be honest is barely annoying, always another way around, but now everything is getting on his nerves.

“I thought it was free.”

“Well it is but not just for you,” younger drinks alcohol with one go, “leave it for us too”

“I know people here and I’m taking advantage of it,” Seungmin chuckles at his last words before he sits down next to Jisung with a low sigh.

“You met him”

It’s not a question and Jisung isn’t surprised how Seungmin find out they met. Even if he didn’t see them together, it’s plainly written on Jisung’s forehead. He can almost feel it.

“How did it go,” Seungmin doesn’t stop at Jisung’s silence, voice is almost sheepish.

“To be honest? I feel like drinking all alcohol in this room”

“It’s still affects isn’t it?” Younger doesn’t throw a joke about it as Jisung was excepting and hoping for because the least he wants right now is to deal with serious conversation.

“Don’t forget who ended everything first, Minnie” Jisung kicks fingernails at the empty glass, making a satisfying noise.

“But everything…”

“Cut it off, Minnie,” he waves his hand in the air to stop younger continue talking, “he moved on and he has someone new who I hope makes him happier than I ever did.”

That’s half true. Part of him hopes Jeonging will find the deserved love and happiness he didn’t find in Jisung but another part, the ugly one, hopes he will never find their happy days in other people. it’s too selfish to say, like love in general, so Jisung chooses to save these ugly feelings only for himself.

“What do you mean…”

“By the way, Channie Hyung was searching for you before you came here”

it’s the second time Jisung cut Seungmin off. He loves talking to his friend, he really does but right now all he needs is to drink until he can walk and think straight. It’s a perfect dodge, Seungmin’s eyes light up a little but noticeably so.

Jisung is sure something is going on between them but he will dig into it later. Seungmin fights with whatever kind of feelings but finally they win so he stands up with an annoyed sigh and makes sure to tell the barista to not give Jisung more alcohol.

“Rough night?” Barista almost immediately after Seungmin leaves pures him something blue.

“Very rough” Jisung gives him a thankful smile for understanding before taking a sip.

On the third shot bartender raises an eyebrow and murmurs something like ‘I should have listened to your friend’ But Jisung gives him his best look with some flushing eyelashes and he pures him another.

Jisung knows the power of his cute big eyes and pouted lips.

Jeongin was weak for them.

Three becomes four and four is five and Jisung is lost in some unknown blur around him, some noises, laughs and people.

Now they look like people out of Hyunjin’s paintings, blurred and unknown with unknown desires and feelings and stories Jisung doesn’t know as they don’t know his.

“It’s enough,” the bartender’s strict statement pulls out Jisung from his mind “I really should listened to your friend. Go to the bathroom and sober up a little”

Jisung waves a hand in disbelief that he is that drunk but still stands up, saying last thank you to his newly made friend and disappears into the crowd.

The room isn’t small but not small enough to not make Jisung think about how he can’t see any of his friends or maybe his eyes are automatically searching for someone else. Jisung shook his head, it’s not very good for him to think about taken man.

His twink doesn’t even seem bad person, he was kind to Jisung and he can’t believe younger didn’t know about Jeongin’s and his past relationship.

He could not get mad, even drunk like that he knew it was so unfair to them.

All he was allowed to was be sad and he hated being sad, he spent years being miserable and sad and those years still hurt.

So he could let himself forget everyone and everything right now, just once in his life. Just let it go and try to be someone else for a day. uncare and just had fun for this happy day’s sake.

He needed to get laid.

Jisung wasn’t a type of hookup.

Not before Jeongin and not after Jeongin either.

His hand and some porn was always enough. But today he has to be someone else, he has to try to not be sad, miserable and cowardly Han Jisung, he always was.

When he finally made it to the dance floor, he looked around as mindfully as he could in that state. Jisung’s only mission was to find someone his type but the funny thing about that - he didn’t know his type. it was always Jeongin and in every person he was trying to find Jeongin Nerd, weird, younger than him, open-minded, caring, mature it was long long list and Jisung didn’t have time to get to know each person.

it wasn’t like he was going to go more far than just hook up so even if they were nothing like Jeongin it should not be a problem.

When he spotted his prey Jisung started to go in his direction and stopped not exactly in front of him but there where he was easily noticeable.

It wasn’t hard for Jisung to catch others' attention - the opposite of this. he was always getting unnecessary attention that would sometimes make him want to crawl into hole and hide there.

Back than that safe hole for him was Jeongin’s arms but not anymore.

Oh god he needs to stop thinking about him.

It took just two or three seductive hip moves (Felix taught him that) to get boy’s attention and thank god because Jisung was so sure if he had to move more he would vomit on the spot.

“Alone?” Boy who was clearly older than Jisung breathed in his ears.

It tickled and he almost let out unpleasant fuff but forced himself to not.

“Hmm,” alcohol was sneaking in his brain more and more. He was even lazy to form a word “what are you gonna do about it?”

“Fuck you in bathroom?” The stranger bit his earlobe which awakened Jisung a little “if you are okay with it”

“How romantic,” Jisung rolled eyes only for him to see but it was also noticeable in his voice.

“Are you looking for a romance?” Jisung shook his head instead of answering.

“Then we are on the same page” he felt smile on his neck and then boy whose name Jisung didn’t even know dragged him somewhere, what Jisung had good reason to assume was bathroom.

His legs felt like they were melting, unable to move, unable to even form thought but unbearable emptiness in him was still there perfectly noticeable.

He was tired. So, so tired it felt like he started breaking into pieces physically.

How could he be alright when the whole of Incheon smelled like him? How could he be okay when he was there with someone else, already belonging to someone who wasn’t Jisung?

How could he be alright when he was the one who ran away but still the one who wasn’t over, one who loved still strong, still the same?

Jisung didn’t know when he started crying. Cheeks already damped with tears. Cold hands on his nipples forced him to come to his senses, almost forgotten he was there with someone else who was touching his body as if he owned it.

Jisung wanted to sob, or better, vomit.

It felt so wrong and dirty he felt dirty just wanted to go home lie down and disappear.

He wanted to be forgotten and… and…

“What the fuck?!” Jisung can barely hear cursing, it sounds from somewhere miles away.

“Get the fuck away from him!” Jisung is pulled out from his thoughts with harsh voice which is too familiar it warms his shivering body a little.

“Are you on nuts? Find someone else”

“He is so drunk he can’t even stand on his feet you asshole” Jeongin’s voice is getting more and more angrier at every sentence.

But… there is also something else hidden there because Jisung knows him well enough and he never loses control like that.

Always uses sarcasm and cynical remarks but never yells ‘because it shows them they affect you, Hyung’ something Jeongin told him.

Until…until he is too worried and that happened like two times when Jeongin lost his temper.

If Jisung was in a better state he would laugh at himself for collecting facts about his ex-lover in the middle of a dirty bathroom, barely knowing what is happening.

The fact that Jeongin still cares, that he is worried, warms Jisung’s cold body a little but it also awakes something ugly in him.

Too late to care, too late to be worried.

Something warm touches Jisung’s shoulders it makes him yelp in surprise. “Everything is okay, hyung you are okay,”

warm hands are now caressing his shoulders.

It can’t be Jeongin since he is still yelling at a stranger boy in front of him.

Jisung lifts his head to be met by eyes he saw earlier still the same generousness and still a real, warm smile. Hyunwoo.

“I’m sorry hyung, this asshole will pay! Jeongin Hyung will not leave this like that.”

there is visible anger in the younger boy's voice.

Jisung cries more.

He could not even hate him, he couldn’t even hate someone who now had his most loved person.

How unfortunate, always so fucking unfortunate.

“Thank you” he mumbled, but pretty sure his voice was covered by that stranger boy’s cursing before he left.

“Motherfucker” Jeongin kicked the door, voice a little less angry.

When he got close to them and got on his knees in front of Jisung, his face had lost every glimpse of anger.

“Jisung-ah are you okay?” Jeongin’s eyes were sad, struggling to not touch his face and maybe even remove tears from his puffed cheeks.

The tears he was now staring at horrified when he himself was the reason for them too many times.

“You need to sober up, come on, let’s go. we will leave you at Felix’s place”

We, we, that fucking we.

“No need,” Jisung took off the younger’s jacket from his shoulders and gave it back without looking at him. “I can’t just let you go in that state”

It was said more strictly now. Jeongin also stood up with him, unwilling to let him walk away.

“You were okay to let me go in that state once, can’t be a problem the second time” It was almost like alcohol left his body completely and now it was anger in his veins.

How much one person can endure?

Being abandoned because he doesn’t even know the damn good reason, spends two years graving his heart just to come back and see him completely fine, with new life new love perfectly fine and had the nerve to act like he even cared.

His heart was about to burst into pieces, every tear felt dried in him, just anger left in his abandoned heart.

“Jisung,” Jeongin’s voice was full of warning.

Fuck it and fuck you too.

“Jisung what? What what what?! Don’t want your little boyfriend to hear about it? What does he even know about me, about us and about you?!”

“Jisung hyung we aren’t… what are you talking about..”

“Hyunwoo can you give us some alone time?” Jeongin’s voice is gentle not in a sweet way but as if he tries to control it, “find Seungminie and ask him to drop you at your house.”

“It’s not necessarily and we have nothing to talk about anyways” Jisung stands up to leave, he is already a little ashamed for snapping like that, he doesn’t need to be a problem between these two.

But younger doesn’t listen to him, just makes a little bow before disappearing in the door.

Now only two of them are left alone in the room, fucking great.

“He isn’t my boyfriend,” Jeongin says calmly.

The bathroom is too bright so Jisung tries his best to hide emotions changing on his face.

His heart feels lighter. “Doesn’t matter”

“I think it mattered minutes ago”

“No Jeongin,” the older breathes deeply, not allowing himself to lose his temper again, always being one to care too much, “what mattered minutes ago was your fake concern”

“It wasn’t fake, you know this”

“I don’t know, did I?” Jisung chuckles bitterly, “last time proved me enough.”

“Stop it!” Jeongin’s voice is getting higher but it’s not surprising since the older already saw from the corner of his eyes how he turned towards Jisung.

“No, you stop it,” voice as calm as possible, “let it go Jeongin, there is nothing we should talk about we had the last talk and that’s it. You made your decision, I respected it. Let you be. Now it’s your turn to do the same, you don’t need to make up things for me, you don’t need to make things better. Thank you for today but it ends here.”

He is tired. So so tired he can’t even feel how painful it is to let out these words as someone always clinging to even a little glimpse of everything connected to Jeongin. ‘

But it would not last forever and later when he thought about these words it would hurt his every organ. Still refusing to look in any other direction than the dirty wall in front of him, Jisung sees younger’s movement towards him.

Jeongin stopped next to him and sat down next to Jisung with a deep sigh.

“You never asked me questions, hyung” It was just the sound of their breaths. If Jisung would say one more thing he would start crying and Jeongin’s citrus smell was making it much worse. “You never asked why I thought it was better to end our relationship”

“You said it was better and we weren’t doing well anymore. You said it started to feel wrong” Jisung whispered, almost just for himself.

“I felt wrong, I felt so wrong” As if it could hurt more.

“But I was too insecure to talk about it and you never asked, you just take it as it was and run away. You were always trying to avoid me on calls in.. you just..we haven’t had, I never had a chance to say it to you and you…” It was true, Jisung could not lie and say he didn’t use every chance to avoid him before leaving Korea and after it too.

But he thought it was for both of them, at least that’s how Jisung was seeing it. Avoiding awkward talks, because he could not stand there and have small talk with someone who knew him from hair to toe. But he never thought about anything Jeongin was talking about right now.

“I’m not blaming Hyung I just want you to understand that I never stopped caring about you, I never stopped to… it was never about feelings it was my insecurities. Evil voices in my head telling me evil things.”

Jeongin’s voice gets more unstable, deep inhales between words.

“was always felt like you don’t need me, that I was too young for you and…and someone like… like Minho hyung…”

“It was just some months between me and you,” Jisung whispered, completely confused by the new information.

“I know but… I just felt like and seemed like and…and maybe it was really that I could not take good care of you like Minho and other hyungs do and it made me feel…it was just felt wrong watching others be better to help at your worst than I was…”

“You were enough, what are you talking about!”

It hit Jisung hard, this whole situation was getting harder with each word and Jisung wasn’t drunk anymore but felt he would vomit in any minute, take out that heavening emotions.

“I know! I mean I didn’t know it back then and” Jeongin nervously plays with his fingers and whispers his last words “You were not there, you just chose to run away from me”

“You knew how hard it would be for me, this whole break-up thing, how can you…” Jisung stood up from his feet, now watching the younger straight in the eyes, ” Why didn’t you say anything?”

His last words come out as a whisper.

“I tried, but not good enough.”

Now he could not look Jisung in the eyes, voice covered with guilt.

“Not good enough” Jisung also repeated his words, with no emotions in it.

It’s almost funny how a million ugly emotions were roaming in his body but he could not express any of them right now. When his heart was about to burst out of his throat.

After that uncomfortable but somehow necessary (because what’s there to talk about?) silence fills the room until it’s Jisung who breaks it with a whisper, as if they aren’t allowed to talk loud after this.

“I need to go home,”

“I will drop you off,” Jeongin adds ‘please’ second later.

“Jeongin I need to be alone, I need to think about everything but do it alone because…because it’s really…it’s fucked up for me and for you and, god.”

“I’ll just drop you and open the door for you, you don’t have a key, do you?”

Jisung’s deep sigh is a clear answer. He should have thought about it before, but now he had zero energy to go through sweaty bodies and find (or it was a fat chance to not even find) his friend.

“Felix give me a spare key, I used to stay there, sometimes,” Jeongin’s voice is so small and maybe he was bigger, (also he got broader these two years) than Jisung, but right now, even on his two feet, looking down at older, he seemed so little.

“I will leave as soon as we get there, I promise” Before Jisung could open his mouth to maybe make up another argument Jeongin spoke up, with begging eyes.

“Okay,” he gave in with a deep sigh.

He was just so tired, yes, that was the reason and not that his addiction being in Jeongin’s sight wasn’t getting back and he would gladly give up on everything to spend even five more seconds with him.

Nobody needed to know this, especially Jeongin himself.

But it also was the fact that newly injected information had his brain disintegrated into puzzle pieces. There was still so much to figure out and so much to talk and god, it made spin Jisung’s whole world. It made everything miserable and absurd. This whole hide-and-seek game with his feelings was absurd, everything he did just turned out to be easily solved with…single communication and again…

Again it was Jisung who ran away and for what?

“You will think about it hyung, but in clean mind” Jeongin maybe noticed Jisung froze on the spot. carefully, very mindfully it seemed like he was even scared, he placed a comforting hand on the older’s shoulder.

Somehow these five seconds were enough.

He was right, clear mind.

and also they should talk about it with a clear mind. They both, if it was what Jeongin also wanted.

Now he needed to go and lie down on the bed Felix gave him, a big and comfortable, with plushies and fluffy blankets.

Nothing would go wrong with Jeongin, nothing at all.

~

When man was making plans, god was laughing or whatever that quote was, because things clearly went wrong.

Han Jisung’s biggest nightmare.

The elevator got stuck.

“I knew I’d be in this situation one day!” Jisung sighed as loud as he could perfectly knowing he should not be mad at his newly engaged friend for wanting an apartment on the thirteen floor, but he was too annoyed to care about it.

“It’s okay, it has an emergency button, they will be here soon,” Jeongin speaks first time after they left the bathroom and had a very awkward ride back to Felix’s.

At least the ride was short, and Jisung was too tired to focus on the awkwardness around them and was just fighting himself to not fall asleep.

“As if they will, it midnight they probably won’t show up for the next two hours.”

Jeongin also sighs and sits down on the elevator’s dirty floor. In the past Jisung would probably frown at him for making his pants dirty but now it wasn’t his business.

“I hate elevators”

“Would not guess,” Jeongin chuckled almost unnoticed but noticeable enough for Jisung to glare at him.

“Kidding,” Younger raised hands with a serious face.

Idiot, getting brave suddenly.

Fifteen minutes passed when Jisung finally gave up and sat down in front of Jeongin, his back leaning on another elevator wall.

“Are you staying?”

Jeongin suddenly asks in a low tone but there’s dead silence around them so it comes out clear.

“Maybe” he is staying. He knew it strictly, even before meeting Jeongin but now he knows more firmly.

Again it’s not necessary for younger to know this. Maybe he is a little evil but whatever.

“Can we…”

“We will Jeongin, but now, you promised you’d let me think about it on clear mind. I’m not really ready to have this conversation in the stuck elevator when…when everything is so messed up”

“Sorry,” suddenly Jeongin is still becoming a little, minute ago braveness slipping out of him.

He didn’t mean to.

“How have you been,” Jisung changes subject with a deep sigh.

All this time running away even refusing to hear Jeongin’s name to not feel that terrible pain in the chest but now…

It was nothing he ever imagined. They were painful little stings the first time he saw Jeongin but now, all he felt was… he missed Jeongin. This whole time not letting these feelings sink in his heart now it was hardened with missing him, missing him so fucking much.

“Normal, I guess. How about…”

“So your little twink…”

Okay, maybe Jisung seemed desperate even so damn funny, but he needed to know okay?

“Are you serious?” Jeongin looked at him with a little shock before cracking out a laugh.

Okay, maybe he was also embarrassing with words like ‘funny’ and ‘desperate’.

“Forget about it,” Jisung pouted, cheeks getting reddish “I don’t even know why I said that.”

“I have a feeling you know very well,” Jeongin teased.

“Because I was trying to start a conversation?!”

“Because you were jealous since the party?”

Suddenly there was still dead silence in the elevator.

“Sorry…”

“Stop apologizing!”

“I stepped boundary, we said we will talk…”

“I was.”

“What?” Jeongin lifted his head so much speed that Jisung got worried about his neck.

“What? You forgot who ended this relationship? I have every right to be jeal… upset to see you having someone when I spend whole two years trying to get rid of my feelings”

“Did you?”

“What?”

“Get rid of feelings?”

“You know I don’t.” Jisung looked away feeling heated by Jeongin’s gaze on him. Younger decided to stare into his soul without flinching.

“It’s good.”

“Is it?”

Before Jisung knew what was happening he felt younger’s dry lips on him.

Jisung’s whole body twisted and he jolted from sudden contact. It wasn’t just a contact, it was him, god it was him and his lips after years that now felt like a century and they were…Jeongin was kissing him or well their lips were connected and even if it was for like five seconds his whole organs just tried to leave his body.

“Oh my god, hyung I’m so sorry I should not and you are… I’m so stupid I’ll”

Now it was Jisung who smashed their lips with so much force he heard the sound of their teeth smashing.

It was a heated kiss, nothing like Jeongin did minutes ago. It was full of every emotion that Jisung even tried to hide and send back of his mind and maybe Jeongin's too.

It starts with slow but rough presses on the lips and continues with Jisung biting younger’s bottom lip, seeking permission to deepen the kiss.

Jeongin is more than welcoming his mouth to be explored with the older’s tongue, a glimpse of alcohol is still visible and it could be a taste of Martin but Jeongin feels dazed and numb in his whole body, hands automatically cupping Jisung’s face and gives him strength to take dominance of kissing.

Jisung whines when now younger bites on his lip before sucking it. He is on the verge of losing his mind.

Then he places his whole body on Jeongin’s lap for better access to explore his broad shoulders.

They continued kissing, exploring each other’s mouths like there was no tomorrow. Jeongin was caressing the elder’s face and hair with so much want. Sliding his hands on Jisung’s back and shoulders but nothing further it was drawing Jisung crazy.

He wanted more, even needed. Every emotion was exploding in his whole organism one by one and he needed to take it out like the feral animal in him that wanted to be left physically and emotionally naked and feel younger fully.

And if Jeongin wasn’t going to do something about it he would.

Jisung slid his hands from Jeongin’s shoulders to his chest and grabbed it painfully.

“Wha-“ Jeongin yelped wishing for more confusion than pain “What are you doing?”

“Want more”

Jisung now lifted himself to sit down on younger’s lap more comfortably. This caused him to groan loudly.

Jisung was a fool when he thought Jeongin was about to do something after being provoked instead he just burst laughing out loud. Elder’s eyes went wide with surprise.

“What are you laughing for” he slapped Jeongin’s chest when he didn’t seem like to stop laughing.

“Sorry,” Younger didn’t seem so sorry by how he instead of stopping threw his head back and continued giggling like that. “It’s just…you just”

“I swear to god if you just don’t stop…” Jisung felt like a tomato from embarrassment.

“It’s just…it’s just tickled, okay? Not my fault”

“It tickled right?”

“Yes!”

Maybe because he was so done with younger’s behaviour or maybe he was so horny and emotional for this stuff (or maybe both) he straight up grabbed very, very slightly visible crotch from his pants.

“Does it tickle here too?”

“Yo..what are you doing?!” Jeongin yelped in shock.

Nothing to laugh about anymore?

“Trying to get what I want?” Jisung now slid his two finders on Jeongin’s chest to belly and pressed them in slight strength.

“You know it’s…someone can easily open this up soon?”

“The hell they will” Jisung rolled his eyes and moved into younger’s lap “If you don’t want it, I will get it but…”

“No?!” Okay, maybe Jisung wasn’t the only one desperate here, “I mean, no. if you think u make me uncomfortable, that’s not it. I want it and I want it since I saw you there, with…with that damn tank top and…what are even these leather pants?”

Jeongin took a deep breath when he ended up bubbling and looked away, maybe a little embarrassed for getting his thoughts naked in front of Jisung.

“Owww, baby is shy?” Jisung didn’t let look away from him and placed younger’s face in his palms, staring teasingly, “he didn’t even have time to miss me properly already getting hard in pants?”

“Shut up” Jeongin removed Jisung’s hands from his face and held them behind his back with one hand to use another for fixing Jisung’s little long bangs on his forehead to give better sight of Jisung’s sinful eyes.

“Make me” Jisnug whispered but clearly challenge in his tone because Jeongin, always bright, lively, funny Joengin, only a few people knew how much of a sucker he was for challenges and especially ones Jisung was giving to him. Always willing to prove to him he was good, the best option for Jisung’s wishes and needs.

How come Jisnug never noticed this meant more for Jeongin than silly foreplay before sex, it slipped through Jisung’s finger to the point his boyfriend felt un-worthful, he doubted himself but could not even notice that.

Jeongin took that challenge well, too. Slowly leaned Jisung on the elevator’s floor and later was so grateful to Felix and Changbin for choosing a fancy building with an unnecessary (but somehow necessary) huge elevator.

Jisung didn’t have time to appreciate the young's eyes beautiful fox-like eyes and deep endearing them when Jeongin was already covering his whole face with wet kisses, avoiding his lips on purpose.

It’s okay, Jisung could give his mouth better use.

“Always so eager to give, aren’t you?” Jisung slid his hands from younger’s shoulders to his neck, gripping him just to feel him closer, “Always ready to do everything I say?”

“Shut up” Jeongin groaned and bit Jisung’s throat skin painfully, causing a muffled yelp from later.

“But it’s true, you hate not being one on my feet when I need something, anything. you hate when someone pleases me, makes me…”

Jisung knew he was playing with fire when the second bite was so painful he could bet he felt it in the whole body because he wasn’t the only emotional one there. And maybe it was always so hard to take out reactions from younger but not when it came to anything related to Jisung.

And especially not now when after two years Jisung was in front of him as if nothing changed, is if nothing happened when in fact so much happened and he also had the audacity to press on his wounds painfully.

But Jisung needed to see him emotionally naked, so he could see where it hurt more, where it needed to be fixed. Jeoning deserved to talk about it and got angry about it. He needed to believe his emotions had the right to exist. He deserved to be told he was always doing great, he was always great. He had the right to claim and believe he was the only right option for Jisung because it was true and these two miserable years did nothing but prove it more harshly each day.

And if Jisung had to sacrifice his skin, well…he was more than okay with this.

“Little baby was jealous of his own hyungs?”

Jeongin was doing his best to not snap, but he clearly wasn’t doing the same marcy on Jisung’s clothes when he almost ripped his tank top on the elder’s body, throwing it away to get better access to Jisung’s body, starting to trail his lips on his belly now.

“Thinking he wasn’t enough for me? Thinking others could take better care of…ahhh!”

Jeongin’s hot tongue slid on Jisung’s left nipple, causing him to scratch his body for more and more. Jeongin was giving him more, giving him everything Jisung wasn’t even capable to wish, too horny for that.

Jeongin now finds his second nipple sucking and biting on it while painfully pinching Jisung’s other nipple, already wet with saliva and swollen.

“Was I right hyung?” Jenging lifted his head for a minute, staring straight at Jisung’s lips while talking, “was I not good enough of my needy hyung?”

Jeongin didn’t let him deny anything already sliding his tongue deep in Jisung’s mouth not even giving him a chance to fight.

Jisung thought he would go crazy soon if he did not feel release, his sensitive parts were swollen and bruised, Jeongin was kissing him mercilessly, taking full control of his mouth and he was so painfully hard in his pants, trying to embarrassingly grid on Joengin’s knee between his legs.

“Please…” Jisung let out a pitiful plea one younger was finally done abusing his bottom lip.

“I asked you questing hyung-ah and you are the one saying please?”

“Jeongin… ahhhh” Jisung let out a high cry when now Joengin got his belly button. Dangerously and teasingly close to his hardened dick.

“I need an answer, hyungie” Joengin sing-song, straightened in his back and looked down at dazed Jisung.

Fuck, he was so fucking hot like this.

“No, they didn’t now please, please…”

“They don’t what? I don’t quite remember the question,” Jeongin teased again but still opened the button of Jisung’s pants, causing a younger grateful sigh.

“Too soon hyung-ah, if you didn’t answer my question properly you will have to make yourself come”

Jisnug whimpered in displeasure, when did he get such a full of himself, teasing brat? Or did Jisung wakened deeply hidden desires inside him? If that was the case, they should definitely do it again next time.

Next time.

“They didn’t, Jeongin-ah, nobody..nghh” Jisung almost choked on his own words when Jeongin suddenly, without any warning, slid down the elder’s pants with one hand movement. Freeing his hardened cock Jisung felt some drops of his own precum on his belly.

“You are almost there, going so well. I’m listening, so so thoughtfully” Jeonging lifted his body to say these words in front of Jisung’s face and left a little kiss on his nose.

“nobody, never needed anybody except you, i…i” If was so much hard than Jisung thought it would be, younger’s heavy breath tickling his naked dick, “they, they…nobody Jeongin-ah why can’t you believe you were always…enough, no needing others…no”

Jisung felt his cheeks wetting from tears betraying his eyelashes, he was so drunk from emotions could not tell apart why was he crying right now because he was full of sad emotions, because he made the person he loved most in this whole world doubt himself of because he was so fucking horny and these two being options next to each other almost made him laugh hysterically.

“I believe Jisung-ah, sometimes it’s hard but I believe now hyung, you are okay everything is okay” Jeongin was too weak for Jisung’s tears to not give in, kissing his tears away caringly.

“Don’t kill the mood” Jisung whined.

“Always suck a brat,” Jeongin laughed with his bright laugh, causing a smile on Jisung’s lips too.

“You a
e so hard, how embarrassing,” younger finally go down there where Jisung needed more right now, looking up at him with an evil grin Jisung was about to cum from just by his breathing.

“Are you go…nghhh…ahhh..Jeong..” Jisung moaned so loud if he was in his right mind he would get concerned at the possibility that someone outside of the stuck elevator would hear him.

But Jeongin’s mouth after years, Jeongin’s warm throat and pretty lips on his cock again, swallowing him deep down there and Jisung, already so sensitive and hard felt like out of his mind.

It only took him a few sucks to cum so fast like a teenage boy in his ex-boyfriend’s mouth not even able to warn him.

“I’m sorry..” he let out a weak whine before fully relaxing his arched body and lying down on the elevator floor.

“Don’t be, taste is worth it and it’s kind of my fault” Jeongin chuckled, resting his head on the metal wall.

“My turn” Jisung lifted his body when he regulated his breath a little, he could not leave younger like that.

“No,” Jeongin carefully removed Jisung’s hands from his belt and placed them on his shoulders, “can you, just…um…hug?”

Jisung froze in his place. Jeongin asked him for…hug…hug!

Yes, the same Jeongin give him the best blowjob minute ago but hug…it was…it was too personal…it was.

“Of course,” Jisung tugged the younger in his arms, suddenly this broad shoulders and visibly bigger than him boy disappeared and Jeongin felt little in his arms, to must be protected.
Jeongin hid his head in the older’s long hair, breathing his sweat and perfume mixed with a slightly noticeable club smell.

“We will talk about it, hyung, right”

His voice felt also so small, god.

“Of course, we will talk, talk as much as it’s necessary, talk till it will be fully okay again, for both”

In his words, Jeongin hid his face in the older’s neck more deeply.

They were sat here completely silent, but the best kind of silent. Listening to each other’s breath and heart races thoughtfully as if they were also giving answers.

Only fifteen-twenty minutes later they heard someone’s voice telling them to not panic and they would fix the elevator soon, there were also some apologies.

“I told you they’d be late”

Jeongin only rolled his eyes at Jisung’s words and hugged him tighter.