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"Are you sure you want to do it?"
Cirrus's hesitant voice pierced through his ears like the rumble of thunder. For Skylar, it was automatic to doubt his decision because his own boyfriend was doubting it, and the matter didn't even concern him.
His fingers slowly caressed the fabric of the small cloth bandage in his hands.
Does this mean you'll do it?
Minwoo's words echoed in his mind like a chant, like the melody that comes out of a music box when you open it. Would he do it again?
Skylar clenched his hands around the bandage. "Yes," but this time, he would choose who to kiss.
He looked up at Cirrus, meeting his eyes, which had now turned completely green with agitation.
Even Minwoo had green eyes, yet they were anything but the same. Cirrus wasn't Minwoo. And that was enough to convince Skylar to proceed with his idea.
Cirrus nodded slowly, reaching forward, placing his hands on top of Skylar's as he unwrapped the hand bandage. Skylar seemed to flinch at the touch, and to say he wasn't scared would be a blatant lie.
Ever since that moment, he had never been afraid to kiss Cirrus; aside from the fact that they had already kissed before (without his consent, moreover), Skylar always felt secure when the blonde pressed his lips to his own. Maybe because he sensed how much Cirrus actually wanted to kiss him and it wasn't all a joke, or maybe because he himself wanted to be kissed by him, and the desire of both outweighed the fear. He didn't even know why himself, he just knew he wasn't afraid.
Until he had talked to Cirrus about Minwoo, and for him, it had been the most agonizing and painful thing he had ever done. He remembered little of that conversation, only that he had cried, a lot. He thought he had gotten over it after all those years, and especially after all those medications, yet there was no way.
If Minwoo's name came out of his lips, it would be a month of hell.
And, for this exact reason, Skylar had not been able to kiss Cirrus calmly in recent times. If the brunette managed not to push him away before their lips met, the contact became unbearable immediately after, and Cirrus, sensing it, would pull his face away from his, and pressed his lips together, annoyed.
Not that they had really talked about the situation, but Skylar knew the blonde was troubled by this, and above all nervous. He was a guy who required a lot of attention, a lot of physical contact, and a lot of kisses too.
Cirrus, in fact, was just a child in adult clothing.
He had many emotional voids, and subconsciously, he sought Skylar to fill them. Not that Skylar minded; even if his boyfriend was often a pain in the ass and perpetually attached to him, he liked it when, alone, he hid in his arms, and inevitably sought his lips.
Just that, for the umpteenth time, Minwoo had gotten in the way. Or would it be more correct to say that Skylar had put him in the middle of his relationships again.
The brunette thought, he thought so much about how to solve this situation that his grades dropped again and he even got a scolding from his mother, but he couldn't care less about this.
And it was in the middle of a sleepless night that the idea flashed in his mind: If a problem is solved from the root, and the root was that horrible kiss in that middle school. And if he couldn't pull the weed from his garden, he could plant a flower over it, so that it would be confused with the leaves of the sprout then born, and Skylar would forget it had been there once, seeing only the flower.
And that flower, following his metaphor, represented Cirrus.
Obviously, Skylar didn't immediately show up at the blonde's door as soon as this idea came to him; he waited, waited a lot, almost began to forget the original problem from how agitated he was by the thought of asking his boyfriend such an embarrassing thing.
Recreate such a scene with him? He would have done better to bury himself underground and die before the embarrassment killed him by itself.
But when Cirrus, for the umpteenth time, leaned down to try to kiss him, Skylar simply couldn't take it anymore.
Replacing a memory, such a memory, was it really possible? They were both about to find out.
Cirrus kept his gaze fixed on his chocolate eyes until they disappeared behind the bandage he was putting on him. The blonde knew that look was probably the same one he had when he found himself in that library with his teacher.
Fear, what a frivolous feeling, yet so powerful.
Cirrus had already found himself in that situation: scaring Skylar was something he had liked extremely not long ago, and he still felt like crap about it.
The blonde gently ran his fingers along the other's ears, tied the bandage behind his neck, and could feel Skylar's trembling on the tips of his fingers simply from that little contact.
The thought that Skylar was afraid of him made him want to vomit.
He withdrew his hands just in time to clench his punches. He thought that if only he had ever had the chance to get his hands on that old friend of Skylar's, certainly that asshole wouldn't have come out alive.
He didn't even know him, but he had hurt Skylar, and that was enough to hate him with all his might.
But there was no room for anger now.
When Cirrus loved, he wasn't the type to hold back: like a painter painting his canvas, he expressed all his emotions through that universal language that is love. It didn't matter if he felt joy, anger, sadness, melancholy. Everything his heart felt flowed into his body, ready to transmit it.
He was good at pretending with other people, he had always done it, but with Skylar he simply couldn't, because he was Skylar, and for him there was nothing else in the world more precious.
Therefore, just for this once, he would keep his emotions to himself: all the frustration collected for no longer freely kissing his boyfriend, the raw anger he felt towards Minwoo for hurting Skylar, the anxiety of hurting him himself.
Cirrus bit his lip softly as his eyes remained fixed on the brunette; what if he had exaggerated, and forced him? If Skylar had felt violated as he had?
Panic seized his guts, rose with a quick shiver along his spine, his lungs tightened and the air became unbreathable.
Some memories are indelible, they cannot be erased.
"C-Cirrus..?".
His name brought him back to reality; and when he saw Skylar's hand, trembling, reach forward, to check that he was still there, he felt extremely pathetic.
Was he really refusing to help his boyfriend, now that he had found the courage to turn to him?
How many times had Skylar stood by him, at night, because the voices tormented him?
How many times had Skylar held him in his arms while talking about his mother?
How many times had Skylar reassured him for every little paranoia, telling him he would never abandon him?
If Cirrus had backed out at that moment, he would be the one abandoning Skylar. So he took a deep breath, and for the first time, he decided he had to be the one to help his boyfriend.
"I'm here, Skylar.".
Hearing that phrase was almost like a warm shower in the middle of winter; he hadn't heard or seen Cirrus since the bandage covered his face, and the fear that his boyfriend had played with him had overcome him.
But Cirrus was there, he was there with him, he could feel it as the blonde gently took his hand and intertwined their fingers together.
"Can I ask you something?" Here we go.
I told you, it's too embarrassing for me to do it while looking at you, it's the first time.
Minwoo's voice was just unbearable shit.
"If... If you're not comfortable, and you want to stop, will you promise to tell me?" But Cirrus's voice was intoxicating.
Skylar almost felt like laughing, this wasn't definitely the Cirrus he knew: why was this kindness? This concern? Where was the Cirrus who grabbed your cheeks roughly and devoured your face?
"Okay," he simply replied, keeping those sweet thoughts to himself.
So let's not waste time and do it.
He sensed that Cirrus changed position, probably his back must have shifted, and his face must have moved closer to his.
I can't believe it, even Minwoo feels the same way.
Skylar's heart began to hammer in his chest, he squeezed Cirrus's hand as if it were the only thing he could hold on to so as not to fall into a ravine, and maybe it really was.
He was scared.
What would happen when his lips touched Cirrus's?
It's like a dream.
Would he push him away? Would he let him? Would he then remove the blindfold and not find Cirrus in front of him? Would he find perhaps Minwoo, sitting on a bench, looking at him disgustedly?
His lips.
Skylar felt Cirrus's eyelashes brush against his cheeks, his slow and somewhat deep breath, the mint-scented breath still from his boyfriend's morning teeth brushing.
"I love you, Skylar."
He wouldn't find Minwoo when he removed the blindfold, and he was sure of that.
Skylar's lips inevitably met those of the other boy. It was a slow kiss, a few seconds long, very sweet, something so delicate and good that he couldn't believe it could come from Cirrus.
They're so soft.
You fucking little voice, you're right.
As soon as Cirrus pulled their lips away again, Skylar opened his eyes, but of course, because of the blindfold, he saw nothing. Yet he felt fine, this... It seemed right.
Is this how it's supposed to be done? he had wondered the last time, and in his head, only a yes was buzzing.
This was right because this time it was the right boy.
"Cirrus.".
"Yes?".
"Again.".
Cirrus’s lips came against his again with stratospheric speed: the kiss was a bit more passionate than the previous one, probably the blonde felt encouraged by his request and was trying to dare more.
Skylar still kept his eyes open, continuing to see the world in black as he followed the continuous movements against his lips.
But he needed one last proof.
Skylar let go of his boyfriend's hand, and rested his on the other's face: he traced the less pronounced cheekbone, a bit round, typical of Cirrus. He then moved his fingers to the slightly pointed and straight nose, typical of Cirrus. He ran his fingertips upwards, along the eyelids and long lashes, typical of Cirrus. And once again, he moved his hand through his silky and soft hair, typical of Cirrus.
Cirrus, Cirrus, Cirrus, and again Cirrus.
He had no doubts, there was only him and Cirrus there, and that was making him particularly bold.
I want to stop now.
He didn't want to stop. The hand in Cirrus's hair tightened almost suddenly, pulling him closer to unite their lips even more. Probably the blonde had caught the hint, since the kiss gradually became more movement.
Why so much saliva?
Oh, there was saliva, yet it didn't disgust him at all. Their tongues intertwined, moving rhythmically against each other; a small dance to the rhythm of the kiss.
Enough!.. Minwoo stop!
Just a little more, just a little more. To remember that Minwoo was no longer there.
As their lips had joined, they slowly moved apart; so slowly that Skylar perceived the slight smack of Cirrus's mouth caused by the friction of saliva. His whole body was still trembling, but this time it was pleasant. He felt like a kid who had just given his first kiss, and adrenaline was taking over him. He felt his face burning, surely it was as red as a pepper, and yet in all this he couldn't see anything.
Now that they had done it, he felt particularly strange. He didn't feel sad, or confused, or scared, he just felt... Electrified.
Contact with Minwoo had always made him agitated, made him uncomfortable and above all was suffocating, like a cigarette.
Cirrus’s contact, on the other hand, warmed him up, made him gentle, embarrassed, made him feel good. If Minwoo was a cigarette, Cirrus was the rain that put it out.
The blonde took a moment to admire his boyfriend's face at that moment: on other occasions, surely the sight of Skylar blindfolded, sitting on a chair, with shortness of breath and lips red from the previous kiss, would have excited him.
He would have devoured him, without using so many euphemisms.
But it wasn't the time to have such thoughts, since he had finally kissed his boyfriend after so long.
He felt the urgent need to take off the blindfold, to look him in the eyes and make sure he was okay, and so he did. He found himself surprised to see how Skylar's chocolate eyes were open, slightly glossy, as they immediately met his own.
Cirrus remained breathless for a moment, the way the other was looking at him was deeper than the sea itself, something so pure, yet almost frightening.
“How do you feel?"
The words slipped out of his lips, because as nice as it was to kiss Skylar, it wasn't nice if the brunette didn't like it.
Skylar slowly moved his hand upwards, touched his lips with his thumb, and Cirrus saw him thinking.
Skylar was a boy who really thought a lot; when he studied, his eyes focused on the page and there was no way to remove them from there until he deemed it appropriate. He thought about establishing meticulous distances from Cirrus based on how many people were around, but then at home he thought about how to make up for lost time.
Skylar was a thinker, and it wasn't always a bad thing.
“Good.".
The words for Cirrus were intoxicating.
When Skylar saw Cirrus's eyes again, they were no longer green, but had returned to their usual color: a blooming cherry tree.
Green leaves and pink flowers.
It almost seemed as if spring had suddenly arrived in Seoul.
There was no bench, no other student, no Minwoo.
There were only the two of them.
And, to be clear, Candy snoring on the couch next to them.
The blonde slowly placed the blindfold on the couch pillows, continuing to stare into his eyes.
Skylar couldn't tell if he wanted to say something, or if he himself wanted to speak. It was a strange situation and sensation. He felt as if he had forgotten everything before, because now that he had overcome that memory, he had gained the awareness that he could overcome it another 100 times.
“You know, you looked really hot with that blindfold on.".
Okay, he definitely wouldn't use the blindfold to do it again though.
He couldn't even get angry with Cirrus, he simply burst out laughing, letting his cheeks blush a little more.
"Stupid, cheeky, and perverted!"
"I asked for it," Cirrus smirked, letting his head fall forward, exactly on his boyfriend's shoulder.
“Now I'm really in your memory forever." Skylar reflexively stroked his hair, running his fingers through that sandy-colored sea, making a small smile.
“Cirrus, you were already there.".
"I was only partly there.".
The older boy's arms wrapped around Skylar, hugging him gently. "Now, I've also gone into his memory, and I've overshadowed it. Because now, when you think back to that moment, you'll be forced to think of me too."
Honestly, Skylar didn't know whether to feel reassured or not: he had already connected Minwoo to Chan-Il without an apparent reason, he didn't want to do the same with Cirrus.
Although, every time his mind would go back to that day, knowing that a little unbearable voice would make its way into his head, and would remind him that Cirrus had also done that thing, didn't bother him.
"Thank you," he simply said, gently hugging him in return.
We are special.
Unexplainably, Minwoo's voice didn't scare him this time. Perhaps because now, only now, he truly knew what this phrase really meant.
"Cirrus.".
"Yes, Skylar?".
"You and I... We are special.".
Could you really replace a memory, a memory like that? Of course, you just had to add something that had never been there before: love.