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Two In A Million, Once In A Lifetime
What if I never run into you?
What if you never smiled at me?
The boy that had just appeared at the front door wasn’t really what Nick expected. If he had to be completely honest, he hadn’t known what to expect, given the small details and descriptions that Kevin had given them about his cousin, besides the fact he had an amazing voice and he would be the perfect blend for their group.
Nick had probably expected Brian to be just like his older cousin: tall, dark – haired, a set of mean eyebrows and a magnetic expression that Nick didn’t know how to read. The boy standing on the front door was the complete opposite of Kevin: small, almost as small as him, even though Brian was five years older than him; dark - blond hair that reminded Nick of honey and sun, and blue piercing eyes that seemed drops of ocean and sky combined together.
“Hi. I’m Brian.”
Brian smiled and Nick thought that he had never seen, or received, a smile like that: open, warm, contagious, and mesmerizing.
Brian smiled, and Nick thought that, somehow, the group would be just fine now that they were five.
Brian smiled and Nick, for the first time, felt like the world had disappeared around him and all he wanted was to be drown in that smile, even for just a moment longer than a breath.
Brian smiled, and Nick hoped that this was going to be just the first of many more smiles.
Brian smiled but Nick, right there, didn’t realize that his biggest love story was just about to be told.
*********
Nick couldn’t help but smile as he looked at that man that was still sleeping beside him, all curled up underneath the white sheet and wild dark blond hair offering some sort of protection for his eyes.
If fans had known the real reason why he had canceled last night’s show … He hated doing it, especially so last minute, but the longing and need to finally be within Brian’s arms had been almost too much to resist, especially given the fact that it had been months since they had last seen each other. Everything had been a blur lately, his energies all conveyed on putting on show after show so that he could escape his own thinking and pain, waiting not so patiently for that small occasions and chances he and Brian had to stay together, now that the group was in some sort of unspoken break.
Nick’s hand reached for Brian’s arm and fingertips started to trace the line of his tattoo, almost as Nick needed proof, physical proof, that the man was indeed in his bed, and it hadn’t been a cruel and sweet nightmare of his mind.
No, it was real. Thankfully.
Soon he had to be at the soundcheck, ready for a show. Soon they would not be so ready to say goodbye once again, willing that April would come so much quicker and last longer than the couple of days they were supposed to spend together. It was never enough and, yet, at the same time, it was more that they could ever hoped for. Thirty-one years made up of ups and downs, being close and distant; thirty-years of a roller coaster of loving and hating one another, being lover and enemy, protectors and aggressors, fighters and healers.
Who would have thought?
Who would have thought that it had all started with a smile?
Who would have thought that they would be given an endless circle of missed opportunities and chances to redeem themselves time and time again?
There had been too much in Nick’s life, sometimes not enough to justify his luck and, sometimes, almost impossible to bear the consequences it had on his soul. And, yet every time he had been close to throwing in the towel and being done with everything, fate and destiny had always come at his doorstep with the purest gift of all: the man that, at that moment, was unaware and hopefully finally resting for once.
Nick’s fingertips stopped tracing Brian’s arm and slowly walked over the chest, resting almost fearfully on that faded line of a scar that many moons ago had almost changed his life drastically. How many times had he come so close to losing Brian? Nick had never really given it too much thought through the years, mostly because of the simple and plain fact that Brian was still alive, breathing and smiling and loving and hating and then back to loving him, was the proof that his fear couldn’t be real.
But then life, cruelly, happened.
Leslie. Aaron. Bobby Jean. And, with every death, his fear grew stronger and bigger until all he could think of was how Brian could possibly be the next and how could he even imagine going on without him? Nick could remember the night he got the news of Aaron, locked up safely inside Brian’s comforting and safe and sound arms.
“You have to promise me one thing.”
“Everything.”
“Don’t die. Don’t you dare to die.”
Brian hadn’t replied immediately, just simply tightened his hug up and placed butterfly kisses upon Nick’s neck. It wasn’t an easy promise to make, for life and death weren’t things that one could have control over. And, deep down inside, Brian caught the innuendo behind those desperate words, that need of a promise of not doing something stupid when dark thoughts and an old companion called depression would knock unexpectedly at his door.
“I’ll try. I promise.”
It was the best he could come up with and, for the moment, it was the best that Nick could hope for, because one thing was sure in his world and that was that Brian would never go and break a promise.
Nick’s hand rested upon Brian’s chest, feeling his heart beating underneath skin and palm. Steady. Strong. Always strong Brian, putting his fears at ease even when he was sleeping, as if he didn’t know that just his mere presence was enough for Nick to breathe easily.
What would he do if he hadn’t met Brian almost thirty-one years ago?
“We still have met. Somehow.” Brian had told him once, as they were walking down the beach that had basically become Brian’s new home in the past years.
“How?”
Brian shrugged, as if he had never given much thought to that. “Don’t know. But I know we were meant to be in each other’s life.”
“Why are you so sure?”
“Because I’m always right.” Brian just said, standing on his tiptoes and kissing Nick on his lips, as the sunset was drawing its color behind their backs.
They had missed so many opportunities. The path that led to where they were standing, at the moment, had been engraved with missing chances, all those times that they could have been together but something, or someone, had forced them apart, wondering if they could ever be able to become one again. And then, almost unexpectedly, right when all hopes and faith had been already lost, another chance had been given: a sleepless night meeting in a bar, where secrets and heartbreaking had been restored with a new smile and a kiss; a phone call after months of silence; a message of reconciliation after that not so forgotten discussion about “Soldier”; impromptu road trip in the middle of a pandemic, when Nick had wanted to lock Brian up in his bedroom and, at the same time, kick him for having been that reckless and hopeless romantic and stupid.
“I can hear your thoughts, you know.”
The voice, stripping Nick away from his own mind, came out in a sleepy rasp. Nick was still missing Brian’s voice, he couldn’t shy away from that confession. He longed for Brian to have his happy ending, regaining control of what had always sounded a gift from heaven. He couldn’t deny it, and neither could Brian, no matter how accepting or resigned he had become. It had been almost eleven years since the first diagnosis and gone was the illusion that it could go back to what it had always been, having been replaced with a lucky prayer that it hadn’t still gotten worse. (That was another fear that Nick had never wanted to share with Brian, scared that he might jeopardize that delicate balance the older man had finally found). Nick couldn’t deny that, sometimes, he still didn’t understand where Brian found the strength to keep performing, especially on those bad nights when he wouldn’t even be able to talk, let alone sing for two hours straight.
“I just love my job, Nicky. I don’t care what people say, I don’t care about critics or haters. The moment I step on the stage, it still all makes sense. It still makes me happy. Especially because I can flirt with you.” It all ended in a laughter, that magical sound that Nick had always thought it might have been pure medicine and ecstasy. It all ended in a kiss and lots of other things, because not only Brian could keep flirting with Nick, but he had finally the chance to act on those feelings.
“You’re strange. - Nick murmured on Brian’s skin, warm and cozy and smelling of home and comfort. – With all the exams you’ve taken, have someone ever checked about you being able to hear someone else’s thoughts?”
Brian chuckled as he turned around so that blue could met blue, and fingers could play with each other. “No one has every found a solution.”
“Still, you’re strange, sir.”
“Then you must be it too, since you’ve love me.”
Nick reached over, pulling Brian into his arms and kissing him as if life, his life, depended on it. In a way, it did and that had been the reason why he had left everything once he had known Brian had arrived in Mexico. He needed his life force back; he needed proof that he was still alive, breathing in energies that would let him make it through whatever the world had in store for him.
“I’m not going anywhere,” Brian breathed between lips and kisses, tips, and caresses. He had known that Nick needed him, there was that some sort of pull that had never been able to let them apart, even back when they couldn’t even talk anymore. Brian had known it and he had tried to come sooner, not caring if there was going to be a price to pay when he would go home.
“I know,” Nick let out, breathing in Brian’s aroma and love, tenderness, and comfort. “I’m not going to let you go so easily.”
“Even if I do, I’ll always come back to you. Hasn’t our story taught you anything?” Brian just smiled, the smile that had been the first step they took into that crazy, weird and something hurtful journey. Brian just smiled and Nick felt that no word could ever come close to describe their relationship: fate, destiny, love … It was just a mixture and combination all wrapped up into a potion that, magically, had appeared in their lives.
Brian just smiled and, in that smile, Nick knew that the older man had been always right. Somehow, they were meant to be together. They were those lucky two in a million that had been granted a love that only happens once in a lifetime.