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It’s been a wonderful couple of weeks, which tells Yuuta things are about to go wrong. Like, totally off the rails wrong. And there’s only a fortnight before he has to leave on top of that, so, figures. The universe can’t let him spend the last days with his friends in peace.
The premonition leaves him on edge, and for all the teasing it gets him, Yuuta learnt to trust his intuition after the Night Parade of a Hundred Demons. The thing is, he has no idea what is it, or when will it hit. The last mission was easy, even with Yuuta’s decreased firepower. But then again, Geto skewed his perspective a lot. It only serves to stress him more. He misses Rika; at least with her Yuuta knew he’d be able to handle whatever’s coming. He doesn’t feel like enough on his own.
“Tsuna, mentaiko,” is all Inumaki has to say to his bemoaning, hitting Yuuta upside the head in Maki’s absence. “Okaka”
Easy for you to say, Yuuta pouts. Still, he keeps quiet. There’s no winning against a supportive Toge, and Yuuta is not ready to challenge that particular band of his issues yet anyway. Maybe never will be. Instead, he chooses to focus on the positives around him, while he still has them: the press of Toge’s thigh pressed against his, a game (stolen from Panda) flickering softly on the screen, both of them wrapped in a soft blanket Gojo got for Yuuta last week.
All four of them went to the arcade yesterday, sponsored entirely by sensei. Yuuta had lost spectacularly to Panda at DDR; he got his revenge (and lost his sanity) in form of some cosplayers swarming Panda not a second after they stepped off, gushing all about his “costume”. Inumaki was wheezing so hard his cursed energy broke at least two machines, which:
a) whoops?,
b) Maki immediately took advantage of by swiping a bunch of tickets that poured out;
Maybe Yuuta should feel bad about those, but he was too high on the friendship, on being out with people for the first time in forever. He let Maki drag him along to the prize stand, and then snuck out when the other two started making a scene.
They’ve been doing that a lot lately: making sure Yuuta experienced a “normal teenage life” and introducing him to everything he missed before he’ll have to leave. Maki and Panda had also taken to leaving those hangouts early, handing Yuuta off to Toge like a class pet. Yuuta has….mixed feelings about that. On one hand, it’s only hammering in his belief of being a bother, though it’s increasingly alleviated by the effort they’re putting in. On the other, well, everyone wants a pet, no? And it’s been a long time since Yuuta felt wanted. Toge seems to have no complaints either, always pressing close to Yuuta’s side, a list of activities ready for Yuuta to choose from.
Everything seems perfect. Should be perfect. Yet he can’t shake the foreboding feeling. It gives him anxiety; that is, on top of his perpetual anxiety. That anxiety though, Yuuta is well used to, and he knows how to tell the difference. Maybe if he couldn’t, he’d feel a bit more secure in his happiness.
A soft ‘tsuna mayo?’ brings Yuuta out of his thoughts. Inumaki is looking at him, eyes warm and head tilted. He’s adorable. He also unzipped his collar sometime when Yuuta wasn’t looking, so his snake eyes are on full display. Yuuta’s fingers itch with the urge to touch them, to see if there’s any difference in texture from Inumaki’s skin. Yuuta wants to know whether they were tattooed on after Toge’s cursed speech manifested or if he was born with them. He refrains. Inumaki might be receptive to physical touch, but that would surely be too much. Nobody likes their face messed with, especially without permission, and Yuuta lacks the courage to ask.
Offering the other a wobbly smile, Yuuta sets his controller down. His heart skips a beat when he sees Toge do the same instantly, twisting in place to face Yuuta fully.
“Sorry, Inumaki-kun. I can’t focus today” - and he’d been looking forward to playing together too.
“Takana,” Inumaki says with a dismissive gesture. Then he jabs a finger at Yuuta, “Okaka.”
A weak chuckle leaves Yuuta, “Yeah, okay.” He stares off to the side, trying to gather his thoughts. Nothing he confined in Inumaki so far made him feel better, no matter how Toge tried, so there’s no use in bringing it up again. They both know Yuuta will stress until whatever is coming passes, “Thank you for distracting me, Toge.” He fumbles to sign as he speaks, unused to it still. But it helps him learn, so he tries regardless, even though he flushes lobster red each time Inumaki grins at his clumsiness.
He loves that grin, so he wouldn’t change it for the world.
Inumaki quietly turns off the console, picking his phone up instead. It’s instinct for Yuuta at this point to pull up the charging cable from behind him, as the thing is perpetually at low battery. Toge blinks at him slowly in thanks, pressing close into Yuuta’s side, head all but tucked under his chin.
In this position, Yuuta has no choice but to bring his arm around Toge, unless he wants it squished between them. He rests it awkwardly by Inumaki’s hip instead until the other huffs and manhandles Yuuta into a proper cuddle. It sends his brain haywire, and he can barely concentrate on the videos Toge is looking through. It’s hard to relax, each fiber of his body tense with unfamiliarity and overthinking. It’s been a long, long time since someone willingly touched him like that, and longer still since he hadn’t had to worry about Rika’s reaction. There’s nothing Yuuta would like more than letting go and sinking into Toge, but his thoughts won’t let him rest. It doesn’t matter Inumaki initiated this, or that they’ve been growing steadily closer, it’s just too much. Yuuta is hyperaware of every inch of his body, and he can’t help squirming in place. Tension builds in his body, discomfort coagulating into sweat beads rolling down his neck. He hates it. He stayed calm when Maki scuffed him, and when Panda threw his arm around Yuuta, but somehow, being the one holding someone makes him nauseous. One would think he’d get over it after he moved past feeling cornered, but no. Suddenly, being in “control” is worse.
Inumaki elbows him with a slight frown and a quiet ‘Sujiko’. It’s clear he’s displeased with Yuuta’s wriggling.
“I’m not forcing myself! It’s just-!” he hangs his head. Who is he kidding? He’s totally forcing himself.
Inumaki looks at him with an unreadable expression for a long minute, eyes boring into Yuuta’s soul. Yuuta stammers, hoping to explain himself, but he doesn’t know what to say. It’s not that he’s uncomfortable - not with Inumaki at least, never with him. But he can’t deny the itch under his skin and eventually, Inumaki slides out of Yuuta’s loose hold.
Yuuta lets him go easy, relieved and hating himself for it. Ashamed, he curls up into himself, face hidden in his arms. They stay like that for a while, the only sound between them being Inumaki fiddling with his zipper. Yuuta turns his head a bit to watch him, but Toge isn’t paying him any mind. He’s staring at Yuuta’s desk with a slight frown and a calculating look in his eyes. After a moment, he seems to sense Yuuta’s gaze. “Okaka?”
And what is Yuuta supposed to say to this? That he’s uncomfortable with cuddling like this, when he has never minded any other touch? What will Toge think of him then? He swallows thickly, squeezing his shaking hands into fists. The tension that’s been accompanying him for the past few days suddenly unveils. Here it is: this is the moment his gut has been warning him about - and Yuuta can’t help but feel relieved. It makes him what to puke, that feeling he can’t enjoy a good thing, always eagerly waiting for something to go wrong because that’s all he’s ever known. And just like always, he’s the source of it after all.
“Takana?” Inumaki tries again. Yuuta shakes his head, choked up. Toge tries to reach for him; he scoots away. He can’t look at Toge now, can’t bear to be perceived. But Inumaki waits patiently, ten minutes, twenty, interrupted only with soft, concerned murmurs. Yuuta pretends he can’t hear, even as he’s desperately trying to form an explanation, an excuse at worst, something that won’t make Toge hate him or weird him out even more. Gods know Yuuta is already too much; he can’t risk tipping over Toge’s limit. And after that pathetic display, he knows he’s close.
In the end, Yuuta can’t find the right words and after an hour, Inumaki slips out of his room without another word. What follows are the loneliest three days of Yuuta’s life. He’s not avoiding Toge - couldn’t get himself to if he tried - but they aren’t talking. Silence sits heavy between them whenever they’re alone. Words continue to forsake Yuuta, leaving his throat tight and his heart racing. Time is running out. He can’t imagine leaving for Africa like this. He feels marooned, unable to inch even the tiniest bit towards understanding. It doesn’t help that Maki’s visibly mad at him - Toge must’ve told her what happened, and Yuuta doesn’t blame him at all - and Panda doesn’t like taking sides in the first place, so everything’s just a little strained. At last, it doesn’t seem like Toge himself is particularly angry; each time Yuuta glances at him, the boy has a pensive expression, quite often lost in some research on his phone.
(It’s not a look Yuuta is used to seeing on him. Doesn’t make him any less beautiful though. In fact, it seems to accentuate his features in an entirely new way. It’s hard to look away.)
And so, Yuuta spends the next three days eaten by guilt and loneliness, wondering whether the scale finally tipped over, whether he’s getting abandoned once more. He tries to cling to hope; Maki and Panda are still talking to him, stifled as it is, and at least Yuuta can be sure Maki would be direct about wanting him gone. Plus, for all her anger, she also seems genuinely concerned, going as far as pulling him aside to interrogate him.
(“Stop stringing him along!” she scoffs. And yes, Yuuta cries a little after, but he’s mostly confused)
Yuuta spends the Sunday morning stressing, obsessive cleaning interlaced with bouts of misery. He and Toge had plans for today; they spent most of their Sundays marathoning some show or the other from Inumaki’s never-ending list of Stuff So Bad It’s Funny™. But they haven’t spoken since his freak out, so Yuuta’s not sure if they’re still on. Still, he prepares just in case, holding back sobs and muttering encouragements under his breath. He makes his bed and gets snacks ready, and texts Gojo preemptively. As much as Yuuta adores the man, if Inumaki is still coming by, he doesn’t want to be interrupted with Gojo’s spamming.
It’s five minutes past their usual time (not that Toge ever is on time) when Yuuta’s pulled from his thoughts by a soft knock. He jumps to his feet, wrenching the door open, not daring to hope. But there Toge is, staring at Yuuta with his usual blank look, arms full of sweets he no doubt stole from Panda. Or Gojo. Actually, judging by the amount of sugar, Gojo is more likely.
Toge tips his chin above his high collar, blinking slowly, “Konbu.”
Yuuta can feel his shoulders drop, and he’s got no doubt his relief is clearly visible. But how could he mind, when Toge is here? “Hey, Inumaki-kun. I wasn’t sure…”
Remembering himself, Yuuta steps back, letting his words fall away as he lets Inumaki in. The boy unceremoniously dumps his snacks onto Yuuta’s laundry chair, then plops down onto his bed with no hesitation.
“Okaka,” he says, resigned.
And listen, Yuuta knows he’s a crybaby, alright, but the knowledge does nothing to stop the tears that spring to his eyes. Again. He wipes at them with the back of his hand, feeling them immediately drench his sleeve cuff, and sniffles happily. “Toge-kun. I… I’m glad you’re here“
Inumaki glances at him from where he’s starfished, eyes barely visible behind his bangs. His hair’s gotten longer since they met, now that Yuuta thinks about it. It grows much faster than Yuuta’s own. It’s probably much softer too, with Inumaki always curious to try out everything in the world, from terrible movies, through extensive skincare, to grilled bull testicles. (Which, why? Just why?)
Questionable food choices aside, Yuuta really wants to touch Inumaki’s hair. Maybe he’d even have the courage to if not for the last disaster. As it is, he’s back to dreading scaring Toge off again.
“Tsuna, tsuna,” Inumaki smiles, sitting up properly, and passing Yuuta a stack of CDs. Grateful for the distraction - although he’s sure Toge will tease him later - Yuuta starts up the first film, pulling the blinds and arranging the snacks around the bed as the opening notes play. In the meantime, Toge takes it upon himself to beat his pillow to a pulp before violently shoving it against the headboard. He grabs a pack of marshmallows, all but melting into the pillow. Yuuta sits cross-legged at the foot of the bed, simultaneously trying to discern whether the movie is a comedy or a horror (it seems like a weird mix of both) and if he should bring up what happened on Wednesday. Toge lets him stew for a total of 5 minutes before a socked (yet freezing) foot hits him in the small of his back. He looks back at Inumaki, ready to apologize - he’s not being a good host, is he? - only to be met with that same calculating look Toge’s been wearing the past few days.
“Yuuta, mentaiko,” Toge says, beckoning him forward. Yuuta swallows thickly, uncomprehending but never one to deny Inumaki anything. He crawls forward awkwardly. The bed is small and cramped with snacks and blankets, but he cautiously stops by Inumaki’s knees. Is his face red? It feels red. And hot. But for once, Inumaki makes no mention of it. In fact, he only smiles with encouragement, pushing at Yuuta’s side until he gets the hint and turns back around towards the TV. Inumaki makes an approving sound behind him and before Yuuta can settle or question anything, an arm snakes around his torso. Now, Toge is nowhere near weak, but Yuuta’s gained some muscle and his unsuspecting, confused body is not so easily moved. So the very next second, Toge grunts with effort and there’s a pointy chin digging into his shoulder blade.
Yuuta’s definitely scarlet now, alright. Words try to escape but barely make it past his lips as he stammers and wheezes in embarrassment. Toge’s not discouraged in the slightest, of course. He only grunts once more and digs his thumb between Yuuta’s ribs. It hurts and Yuuta instinctively leans away from the touch. Which naturally gives Toge the perfect opportunity to yank him backwards, pressing Yuuta into his chest and wrapping both arms around his middle.
“Inumaki-kun…” he whines, burning his face in his hands, mortified. It’d be awkward even if Yuuta wasn’t… well, Yuuta, with his height gracelessly balled up in Inumaki’s hold. But he is Yuuta, so the experience borders on cringey. Not that Inumaki cares. In fact, he only hums with satisfaction into Yuuta’s hair, not even bothering with an answer.
Yuuta has no idea what to do with it. Or himself for that matter. But Toge is a steady, warm presence behind him, happy and proud. This close, Yuuta can smell his shampoo; an apple and cinnamon mixture he got on a holiday sale. For all his embarrassment, Yuuta can’t even imagine trying to break out of the hold. Not with Toge’s thumb rubbing grounding circles into his hip and the soft breath mussing his hair.
“Toge-kun,” he tries again, voice muffled behinds his hands but high pitched nonetheless.
“Takana,” Inumaki says matter-of-factly and yeah, Yuuta can’t really argue that. It does feel nice. He can’t feel any of the panic or discomfort that accompanied their last meeting. On the contrary, the longer Toge is holding him, the better Yuuta feels, muscles unlocking from the constant fight-or-flight he lives in.
Yuuta wiggles once more - Toge’s arms immediately tightening around him - and gives up with a shaky sigh. He doesn’t- he doesn’t know why is this affecting him so much, but he can’t help the lump forming in his throat, nor the sob that escapes him right after. It’s just… Yuuta’s not used to being accommodated, okay? He knows he’s being weird, has been for most of his life, and up until now it only earned him hurt and rejection. Toge, though, against all odds, doesn’t even bat an eyelash at his abnormalcy. Not only takes it in stride, but actively goes out of his way to make Yuuta comfortable. He still doesn’t understand why, but if he’s learned one thing during his stay at Jujutsu High, it’s that there’s no winning against Toge.
With another sob, Yuuta melts into the embrace, eyes barely open as Inumaki pulls something up on his phone. Yuuta can feel Toge’s grin against his hair; and isn’t that amazing? That they can find something they both enjoy, even with the limits Yuuta’s asshole brain sets? That Toge’s proud of adjusting to him, that he spent days researching what could be going on, knowing Yuuta would be uncomfortable talking about it?
He doesn’t know what he did to deserve Toge in his life. Surely, his past self must’ve saved the world one too many times, because there’s simply no way he earned it in this lifetime. But that’s okay. No matter what, Yuuta vows to achieve that again. To be somebody worthy of Toge’s love. Of anything Toge choses to grace him with.
The movie plays in the background, neither of them paying attention except for laughing at characters’ poor choices or bad effects. Most of the time, they’re looking at Toge’s phone, full of animal memes and ideas for pranks. Among all of that, Yuuta sees tips for sword fighting and therapist advice, and he knows without asking those are for him. Toge cares so much about him, spends so much time looking for even the tiniest ways to ease Yuuta’s burdens. He’s not ashamed of it either, like Yuuta used to be, happily showing off what his dash recommended. When he snorts, Toge hides his head into Yuuta’s neck. Cursed energy buzzes across his jaw. When Yuuta laughs, his head presses hard against Toge’s and, on one particular occasion, Toge bites his hair in retaliation.
Utterly ridiculous. Yuuta loves him so much.
Every so often, Yuuta gets overwhelmed again, yet another sob escaping him. Embarrassment crawls under his skin and is immediately soothed by Toge’s gentle fingers. He pets along Yuuta’s hip and stomach, chin hooked over his shoulder, his breath fanning over Yuuta’s skin as he hums quietly. From time to time, his arm tightens around Yuuta. Their legs tangle together as they recline more and more. Before he knows it, Yuuta finds himself with his arms wrapped around Toge fully as his cheek rests on the other’s belly. He blinks out of his - nap? did he fall asleep again? (it’d make sense, with how little his anxiety lets him rest) - to look up at the other. Toge’s fingers still in his hair and oooh, actually, that felt amazing.
Toge glances down from his phone with a look so soft it makes Yuuta’s heat melt. It makes him want to kiss is off Toge’s lips, confess his love and lay his soul at Toge’s feet.
But he’s not brave enough for that yet. Even if by some miracle Toge returns his feelings, Yuuta is leaving soon. Bringing that up now would be cruel.
“Takana?” Toge says softly, adjusting the brightness on his phone. He likes it ridiculously high, even though the dusk is already upon them.
“Yeah…” Yuuta admits, valiantly ignoring his growing blush, “That’s the best rest I’ve had in weeks”
Cold fingers dig into his scalp for a second before the petting resumes. Yuuta can feel his bones liquify. “Tsuna”
Yuuta’s snort gets lost in the warmth of Toge’s tummy. He couldn’t move if he wanted to; Toge’s gentle patience has seeped all resistance and shame away from Yuuta’s very being. At least for today.
One day… One day he’ll tell him. Toge might not feel the same, but he deserves to know he’s loved. How much he means to Yuuta, how much better the world is with him in it. If only so that he never feels as forsaken as Yuuta used to.