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Sirius
It’s a week before winter break, sixth year, and Remus and Sirius are lying side by side on Sirius’s bed, shoulders touching and limbs tangled together. Sirius had been kicked out of his house the previous summer but just got an official letter from his mother’s lawyer, stating the paperwork had been finished and he was officially disowned.
“Let’s get out of this town,” Remus says, “drive out of the city, away from the crowds.”
Sirius turns his head to look at him and finds his expression fond and searching. His eyes look golden in the lighting and Sirius can count every freckle on his face, something he’s done on many occasions before. His scars seem softer, joining the rest of his features to create the image of the boy he loves.
Heaven can’t help me now , Sirius thinks as he stares into Remus’s eyes and links their hands.
Nothing lasts forever.
Winter break comes and James forces Sirius home with him, something he is definitely not complaining about. Effie and Monty are wonderful, both accepting him with loving and supportive arms.
While Sirius spends the break being feed delicious food, meeting James’s many family members, opening gifts (which he cried and felt immensely guilty about), and learning to slowly accept the love presented to him on a silver platter- Remus spends the break in the hospital, sitting at his mothers bedside and begging her not to leave him.
This is unbeknownst to Sirius though, as the letters he receives only contain information about whatever new music Remus is listening to or how he feels about snow. Spoiler alert: he hates it.
Sirius laughs and counts down the days until he can return to Hogwarts, and most importantly, Remus.
They aren’t together, Sirius makes that clear. Even though his feelings of love are undoubtedly strong, and even though they kiss when the other boys aren’t there and hold hands under the cover of darkness, they can't be together. There are a few reasons for this.
Number one: Sirius can not date a man. Sirius can not date a man because Sirius is not gay. Being gay is a crime, worse than torture or death, it is a sin Sirius can not commit. He’s already been disowned, made a fool of by his family, he can’t also be gay. That would destroy him.
Number two: Remus can not possibly feel the same way and implying anything else would ruin their friendship. Sirius would not be able to live if he didn’t have Remus and asking for a relationship when he doesn’t want one is a sure fire way to make him hate him.
So they continue what they have been doing. They hook up in the dead of night, they spare glances at each other during class, they lay impossibly close with their legs intertwined and their lips on places that definitely aren’t meant for friends.
This is gonna take me down , he thinks.
Winter break is over, school has resumed. He spots Rmeus in a corridor, laughing at some joke Lily tells him. His hair has gotten longer and Sirius can’t help but stare. He’s so tall and handsome as hell.
Sirius watches as Lily stops a third year and confiscates a flask, giving a look to Remus as she does. They wait until the boy is gone and then each takes sips from the flask, smiling and laughing.
He’s so bad, but he does it so well. No one would believe that Remus Lupin, Gryffindor prefect and top of his class student, is drinking alcohol in the middle of the school day and smoking cigarettes in the dorm room. It’s why he has gotten the least detentions out of all of them even though he comes up with the plans 70% of the time.
James appears behind him and they walk into class together. He watches Lily and Remus out of the corner of his eye. They pocket the flask and follow them into the classroom, a few steps behind.
Sirius does not pay any attention to the lesson. He instead spends the entire class time staring at Remus. The way his hands and arm muscles flex while he writes, how his hair is now covering his eyes and he has to stop every few seconds and push it away, how he bites his lip when he concentrates and he genuinely smiles when he gets an answer right- like he didn’t believe he would. He stares at his lips and remembers what it’s like to feel them.
Remus turns suddenly and catches Sirius’s eyes. He blushes slightly but still winks. Remus laughs silently.
They meet after class. He leaves bruises along Remus’s collarbone and runs his hands through his hair, enjoying the way his curls feel between his fingers.
He can see the end as it begins. This will never last, they can never be together. He’s bound to hurt him- he should break it off before it gets worse. But Sirius knows he won’t be the one to stop it.
The next time they’re alone together is the common room. He walks in and flops down on the couch beside Remus, putting his feet in his lap and leaning back against the arm rest. He sighs.
“Say you’ll remember me.” He jokes. It’s not really a joke though. It’s all his thoughts voiced into one simple thing. To not be forgotten by the one person he loves. To not be hated when he eventually breaks his heart.
Remus puts down his book and raises an eyebrow at him. “Oh? How would you like to be remembered, Padfoot.”
“I'm glad you asked.” Sirius pretends to think for a moment. “Standing in a nice dress, staring at the sunset.”
Remus laughs, such a sweet sound it makes his heart beat a bit faster. “Red lips and rosy cheeks?” He teases.
Sirius smiles and nods. “Say you’ll see me again?” Remus scrunches his nose, pretending to contemplate the answer. He doubles down, “even if it’s just in your wildest dreams my dearest moony.”
“Wildest dreams, huh.” He huffs with fake annoyance, his eyes betraying the role he’s trying to play. “I suppose I can do that.”
Sirius laughs and gives him a kick in the thigh. Remus yelps and grabs his leg, stopping him from moving. Sirius glares at him and struggles to yank his limb back.
Remus uses his leg to pull him in closer until Sirius is practically on top of him. They make eye contact and Sirius licks his lips. Remus makes a small noise, like he tried to keep it in but failed.
He breaks away suddenly and stands up, basically pushing Sirius off his lap. “I’m going to study.” He winks at Sirius before he disappears up the stairs.
Sirius waits the appropriate amount of time so that no one would be suspicious before following him.
Remus
Remus Lupin is completely, undoubtedly, catastrophically head over heels in love with Sirius. Unfortunately, things don’t often work out for him.
Firstly, Sirius is his best friend. No matter what happens he doesn’t want to ruin that. Their friendship means more to him than anything else and he can’t jeopardize that because of some stupid feelings.
Second, Sirius doesn’t even like him back. At least, not in that way. He probably sees it as some fun fling, just something to distract himself with. Remus is exciting because he’s a guy and because it's a secret, Sirius is quite literally a stereotypical rebellious kid, why is this any different.
But in the moment, Remus can let himself believe that it’s real, that Sirius feels the same and this isn’t just some stupid way to piss off his parents. He can believe that the looks they share are as meaningful as he feels they are, the talks they have after sex aren’t just ways to make it less awkward, and when Sirius says he wants him- he really means it.
“No one has to know what we do.” Sirius says as he straddles Remus’s hips and kisses him passionately. His hands are in his hair, his clothes are in his room.
His voice is a familiar sound. God, Remus loves his voice. From the way his voice sounds rough and sleepy in the mornings when they sneak back to their own beds to how excited he gets when planning a prank to the sultry, almost whine he develops during their ‘adventures’, he loves it all.
Nothing lasts forever.
He hears James and Peter coming up the stairs towards the door. Sirius jumps back and hastily re-buttons his shirt as Remus smooths his hair back down. Sirius jumps onto his own bed and Remus pulls out the first book he sees.
They walk in and Peter ignores them, heading directly for his own bed and plopping down onto it. James gives the two a weird look, his eyes glancing between Sirius’s horrible job of buttoning his shirt and the visible hickeys growing on Remus’s neck.
He can feel himself blushing but, thankfully, James doesn’t mention anything. Remus looks down at the book and sees it’s upside down.
Sirius coughs and he looks back up, making eye contact. They stare at each other for what feels like hours but that could just be from the tension between them. Sirius smiles, a specific smile that’s reserved for him. It’s genuine and loving and Remus can’t help smiling back.
This is getting good now , he thinks.
The rest of the week is spent with hidden corridor make-out sessions, notes sent across the classroom, late night sex turned to deep talks, and lazy afternoon kisses.
Remus loves it all but he wishes they could be more. He wants to hold his hand and kiss him after they win a quidditch match and stop to make-out in the middle of the corridor like everyone else in their grade.
He’s so tall and handsome as hell. So what if Remus wants to show him off, sue him. He’s sick of feeling like he doesn’t deserve a relationship. He’s sick of the awful pit in his stomach that happens when Sirius mentions a girl or ditches him for a date.
It’s awful but it’s Sirius. He’s so bad but he does it so well. Remus knows he can’t ever do anything about it. He will forever and always be bound to Sirius.
The moon comes. Remus insists his friends stay back, like he does every time. And his friends ignore him and join anyway, like they do every time. It’s a back and forth that Remus enjoys. He likes knowing his friends are willing to go through this every month for him.
Madam Pomfrey walks him down to the shrieking shack just after dinner. It’s nearing the end of winter but the sky still gets dark rather early. She gives him a tight hug and the promise she'll be there to help when he wakes up. He hugs her back, gladly taking the motherly love he so desperately needs.
His friends arrive not long after that. Peter brings cards and they play for a little bit before Remus feels his muscles begin to stiffen and pain hits him like a truck. They all change into their animagus selves and turn their backs as Remus transforms, something he made them promise to do the very first time they joined him.
The night is a blur. Remus very rarely remembers what happens during the night of the full moon. It’s for the better, he can’t bear to stomach what he does in his wolf-self.
He wakes up in the hospital wing the next day. Sirius is asleep beside him in the bed and James and Peter are sitting in chairs talking quietly. He shifts uncomfortably, careful not to wake Sirius.
“Moony! You’re awake. We missed you.” James whispers, also aware of Sirius sleeping.
“There wasn’t much to do today. Just a paper for Flitwick due by the end of week, a presentation for history of magic, and a potion for Slughorn, but we get to work in groups. You were paired with Marlene and she said to go find her after.” Peter informs him.
Remus smiles sheepishly. “Thanks guys.”
James leaves after an hour of quietly talking- mostly catching up on gossip- he has quidditch practice and it sets a bad example for the captain to be late. Peter and Remus make idle conversation until Peter leaves soon after.
Sirius stirs in his sleep at some point and Remus subconsciously pulls him in closer. He admires him fondly, forgetting that this is a very public hospital wing and anyone could see them. He runs a hand through his hair, effortlessly displayed like a halo around him as Sirius sleeps. He traces the curve of his cheekbones and plants a soft kiss on his temple.
When we’ve had our very last kiss, he thinks, I won’t regret it.
Remus is back to normal very soon- saying he’s recovered would be a lie. Him and Sirius go up to the astronomy tower, a place they’ve spent many late nights and skipped classes.
They’re kissing, Sirius with his back against the wall and legs around Remus’s hips. Remus has one hand on his ass and the other gently grabbing his face. The other boy's hands are completely entangled in his hair, playing with his curls. Remus stops for a breath and looks away, not moving in to kiss him again.
Sirius looks confused but laughs and attempts to kiss him. Remus moves his face slightly further away and Sirius frowns.
“Say you’ll remember me.” Remus says, his voice small and desperate. It’s not a question but rather a silent plea. “When you’re standing in a nice dress, staring at the sunset. Red lips and rosy cheeks.” He sounds like he’s about to cry as he recalls their previous conversation.
Remus looks up again and they lock eyes. “Say you’ll see me again. Even if it’s just in your wildest dreams. Please.”
Sirius blinks. Something undecipherable passes across his face. “Wildest dreams?”
Remus nods sadly, his eyes wide. Sirius doesn’t respond, instead he gently cups Remus’s face and kisses him. Remus melts into it. It’s gentle and it’s loving. It’s early mornings spent together in bed, when there’s just the 2 of them and they trace each other's scars. It’s sharing a cigarette behind the greenhouse, holding hands and huddling for warmth. It’s the small gestures and details and everything he loves about Sirius.
He wishes they could stay in that moment forever. But they can’t, of course, they can’t.
They’re fighting. Remus is fed up with it, sick of Sirius hooking up with him and saying he wants him and then turning around and fucking a random girl. So they’re fighting.
“Just shut up! I’m tired, Sirius. I don’t want to be just another random fuck to you anymore.” He yells.
Sirius scoffs. “You haven’t had a problem with this before.”
“That’s because I was too bloody fucking stupid to realise that it meant nothing to you.” Remus spits out, full of venom.
“I never wanted a relationship. I’m not gay Remus!” He cries.
Remus laughs harshly. “So I’m just a joke to you? Fucking me was just some sick way to piss off your parents and inflate your ego?”
You’ll see me in hindsight , he thinks bitterly, tangled up with you all night. I hope it hurts to think of me.
“I didn’t mean it like that.” Sirius struggles to explain himself. “Don’t twist my words. I was clear, it was just sex. It’s not my fault you got attached.
Remus is furious.. “How could I not, Sirius?! You are everything to me. Being with you was everything to me. You are the first person who didn’t make me cover up my scars or feel ashamed about who I am. I’m not a monster when I’m with you.” Hot, angry tears roll down his face.
Sirius swallows and looks at him, full of anger and blinding fury. “You will always be a monster.”
Remus is shocked. He takes a step back and turns away so Sirius can’t see how he’s fully sobbing now. He hears him take a sharp breath.
“Remus.“
“Get. Out.” He grits out, teeth clenched.
“I’m sorr-“
“Get the fuck out. Get out of my sight. You fucking dick.” Remus says.
Sirius doesn’t move and Remus turns around to scream in his face.
“YOU HURT EVERYONE WHO LOVES YOU. GOD YOU ARE JUST LIKE YOUR MOTHER. JUST. LEAVE.”
Remus’s chest heaves with anger. Sirius looks like he’s been slapped. He wordlessly turns and walks out the door.
He’s done. He’s burning it down. Everything that’s happened, all the secrets they shared and moments spent together, it was all for nothing. Sirius Black is a fucking arsehole.
Someday when you leave me, I bet these memories follow you around.
He talks only to Lily and avoids everyone else like the plague. James tries to start a conversation but he ignores him. He hasn’t been to the dorm room in days, choosing to sleep in the girls room instead.
After a week Peter corners him in the corridor. He doesn’t say anything, doesn’t get mad or try to defend Sirius. He just hands him a piece of chocolate and a book of his Remus has been wanting to read. Remus is grateful for the offering and later seeks him out. They play chess by the dying firelight and afterwards he follows him into the dorm.
He doesn’t even glance in Sirius’s direction as he walks to his bed and immediately climbs in, pulling the curtains shut with more force than necessary and putting on a silencing charm.
Remus doesn’t sleep. He’s too angry, too sad, too desperate. He waits until he’s sure everyone else is asleep and then gets up. He throws on the first sweater he sees- which ends up being one of James’s quidditch sweaters- and grabs a pack of cigarettes from the bedside table, along with the map.
He sneaks his way to the astronomy tower. He stays far away from the wall they kissed at, heading towards the opening and sitting down with his feet dangling off. He lights a cigarette with the bright pink, plastic lighter Sirius had gotten him one summer.
He does this every night for weeks. Sirius doesn’t talk to him and he doesn’t try. James is obviously very annoyed with them but doesn’t say anything. Peter lets Remus copy off him in class when he’s too exhausted and plays chess with him so he’s not alone. Remus is very grateful.
A month and a half after their argument, they speak again.
Remus is sitting on the edge of the astronomy tower, smoking and star gazing. Sirius sits down beside him but still doesn’t look at or talk to him. He gestures for the cigarette and Remus passes it, more out of habit than anything.
“You’re not a monster. I was just angry.” Sirius says, turning his head to look at him. “You’ll never be a monster Remus.”
Remus sighs. “You’re not your mother. She’s a horrible person and you… are so far from that.”
“I’m sorry, for hurting you. Not just what I said but what I did.” He takes a deep breath. “I have a lot of internalised prejudice, learned from my mother. She always taught me that being gay was worse than death and I guess I still carried it with me even after I left.”
Remus frowns and meets his gaze.
Sirius continues. “I like you so much. I didn’t realise it for a while. I’m not sure about my sexuality right now but I know I like you and you’re a guy so obviously I’m not straight. I feel awful about how I treated you when I didn’t know. Nothing can make up for that.”
“It sucked, Sirius. I’ve been in love with you since third year and when I finally thought we had something, you’d tell me you weren’t gay and it was just a fling. That really hurt me.” Remus tells him.
Sirius ducks his head. “I’m sorry Remus. I can’t- I don’t even know what to do anymore. I understand if you hate me.”
Remus could never hate him. It’s always Sirius, it’s always been Sirius, and it always will be Sirius.
“Maybe we start over.” Sirius looks back up at him, confused. Remus just smiles. “I really like you Sirius, would you go out with me?”
Sirius slowly breaks out into a smile when he realises what’s happening. “I really like you too. I’d love to go out with you.”
“How about Saturday in Hogsmead? We ditch James and Peter and go on a proper date.” Remus proposes.
Sirius nods eagerly and they laugh. This will be good. This is everything he’s ever wanted, he’s not going to mess it up.
They take it slow, going on dates for a month before making it official. They hold hands at meals and snuggle in the common room and spend basically all their time together. Remus still plays chess with Peter and takes the opportunity to tell him, officially, that they’re dating. Sirius covers James and he gets tackled in excitement later that day.
They enjoy their time together, finding that dating is much more enjoyable than just flings.
It’s a week before summer break and Remus and Sirius are lying side by side on Sirius’s bed, shoulders touching and limbs tangled together. Remus’s mom had died over winter break and his dad had finally sent a letter agreeing to take him in for the last summer before adulthood. He was nervous, this being the first time in 13 years since he’s seen his dad. Sirius comforts him, promising to write and visit as much as he can.
“Say you’ll remember me,” he says, voicing his anxious thoughts, “standing in a nice dress and staring at the sunset or whatever.”
Sirius smiles. “Red lips and rosy cheeks my love.”
“Say you’ll see me again?” Remus asks.
“I’ll see you again.” He promises.
Remus turns his head to look at him and finds his expression kind and endearing. His eyes are a soft blue, searching his face for internal worries. Remus can see all the places he’s kissed reflecting back at him. His smile is genuine, one reserved just for him, and joins the image of the boy he loves.
Even if it’s just pretend .