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His fist was clenched as he walked in silence, listening to the man who nervously talked about the letter he received from his daughter. I recognised him as Petra’s father. No matter how good the Corporal was at hiding his emotions, I could clearly see how devastated he was from his eyes. Of course he was devastated. He lost his team, his family…
I couldn’t even bare to look at anybody. The mission was a total failure and many lives were lost. All for nothing. It was always for nothing. At this point I was wondering why I ever joined the Survey Corps. Hah, funny. Petra would have lectured me for hours if she had found out that I had these thoughts.
Nobody said anything as we walked, heads down, eyes heavy. “How could you lead them to their deaths?!”. “Was the mission a success Commander? Answer us!”. “Did they die in vain?!”. Even Erwin looked like a wreck. Despite what everybody thought of him, I couldn’t help but respect him. I knew we had to throw away our humanity in order to win against the titans, but was this worth it? I was a soldier for a while now and my views and personality had completely changed over the years. I was not the loud, funny, crazy (F/N) anymore. I had completely transformed into something I couldn’t even recognise.
I was sensitive and emotional, yet I kept it in. Everyone had their own problems so I knew that they didn’t need to double them with mine. I forced myself to act tough yet I cried myself to sleep most nights. I woke up after countless nightmares wishing someone would hold me and tell me it was going to be okay, but I knew such things shouldn’t be promised. They couldn’t. There was no room for relationships in the military, not unless you wanted to get yourself killed. Yet I still couldn’t help my feelings. I had no control over how my heart sped up when he said my name, how I felt shivers run down my spine when our hands would accidentally touch when doing paperwork. How he looked at me with those eyes…Those eyes…
He was awkward. I could tell that relationships weren’t his thing, so I never said anything. I had become an expert on hiding my feelings over the years so it was never obvious. He was my best friend, and deep down, I knew that was all he was every going to be.
“(F/N)”.
I snapped out of my thoughts to find Hange looking at me with concern in her eyes.
“I’m okay Hange”.
“It’s okay not to be (F/N)”.
This struck me. As soon as I started to feel my eyes tearing up, I hid my face with my hair and walked faster.
“…Lets get back to the castle.”
———
After washing all the dirt and blood off me I got dressed and went down to the mess hall. It was dimly lit and almost completely empty with just two cups of freshly made tea on the table in the far corner. I walked over slowly and just as I was about to take a seat Levi entered.
“What took you so long?”.
I still had trouble looking at him. I couldn’t help but feel guilty and angry over his squads death. I should have been there. I was close with all of them, Petra in particular. I should have been able to protect my friends after all these years of training. Yet I didn’t even know they were gone until I saw Petra’s body being thrown off the carriage. I clenched my fist in anger until my knuckles turned white.
When Levi noticed that I wasn’t paying attention he got impatient.
“(F/N)”.
“Clearly I was taking a shit Levi”.
Stop it (F/N). This wasn’t the time for jokes.
“Wow. I’m corrupting you”. He sounded amused. I smirked at that. It wasn’t true in the slightest and he knew that. That was how me and the Captain became friends after all. A very blurry night when I was a fresh, and slightly intoxicated cadet. I guess my shit jokes and foul mouth impressed him.
“I made tea”. “Hmm”. This was too awkward. I was never uncomfortable with him before yet I still hadn’t looked at him.
Clearly he realised this. Of course he did, he was Levi. He could read me like a book after all.
“Look at me (F/N)”.
So I did, and god he looked gorgeous. His hair was disheveled and lips parted very slightly. Even though I loved seeing him in his tight uniform as it sculptured his wonderful eight pack, he still looked sexy wearing a loose grey top with casual black pants. His elbows were on his knees as he leaned towards me slightly
I could feel my palms getting sweaty as he looked at me with his piercing grey eyes.
“(F/N) wh-“.
“Levi please. I don’t want to talk, can we … just .. sit?”.
He continued to stare at me, and after what felt like hours, he sighed and ran his hand through his hair aggressively. He clenched his jaw and I could tell he was angry. Not necessarily at me but at everything. How unfair life was towards him. Despite his harshness, Levi does have a sense of empathy. I knew he didn’t want to push me and this made me feel guilty. Shouldn’t I be the one trying to comfort him?
“Thanks for the tea, it’s nice”. Idiot. Great conversation starter.
“You’re welcome”. Oh…so I guess it wasn’t that bad. I couldn’t stand him being upset or angry with me. It just broke my heart.
Suddenly he hissed in pain and his hand went up to his left thigh. Was he injured?
“Levi”.
He didn’t look at me.
“Captain”. He scoffed.
“Humanities Strongest”.
He was fuming. I knew he hated it when I didn’t call him by his first name, but it guaranteed his attention.
“Tch. Don’t call me that”, he spat.
“You should go to the infirmary”. “There were more serious cases. It was not necessary”. I knew the great value he placed on preserving human life but this was ridiculous.
“You’re hurt. Wait here I will get the first aid kit”.
“Don’t bother”. He was too late as I was already running down the stairs to the infirmary.
When I came back he had already rolled up his trousers and was examining the massive purple bruise forming on his ankle.
“Levi this is really bad”.
“As I said, it’s nothing. Leave the kit on the table, I can do it myself”.
“Nonsense. You can barely bend forward, never mind treat your ankle. I will do it”.
It was silent. I didn’t look up at him as he stared me down the entire time. I could feel the tension between us growing. He hardly showed any sign of discomfort, only groaning slightly as I applied pressure to his foot. Normally he wouldn’t let anyone see him like this. So vulnerable, so human…but that's exactly what he was, and people forgot that. They saw him as the cold stoic Corporal who could kick titan ass and never break a sweat in doing so. However right now, his deceptively youthful face made him look...normal.
“You could have just told me about your foot in private. Waiting this long was a stupid move”.
“What will people think when the great Captain Levi can’t fight because he ignored a serious injury?”. “Tch, is that what you think about? “What will people think?””. My eyes started to sting.
“Thats not what I m-“.
“Is this why you became cold?”. “You’re one to talk”. “You don’t need to pretend to be strong. I know what you are. Forget about what those little shits think”. I had to get out of there, I couldn’t hold it in much longer.
“I’m not pretending to be anything. Let it go”.
I finished bandaging up his foot and rushed to get up to leave. Just as I was about to stand up he placed his hand on my shoulder firmly. “(F/N), It’s okay… not to be okay”. My head snapped up. Had Hange said something to him?
“This wouldn’t make you weak. Shutting yourself out like this, it’s … worrying me”.
I couldn’t believe this. Levi was talking about his feelings? I was worrying him? Me? I guess I never imagined him saying this to my face as I looked up at him completely shocked, eyes wide open. I felt a tear slide down my face, and another, and another. I looked down again and sniffed. Damn, how did he do this to me?
I felt him squeeze my shoulder gently, as he tried to comfort me. I knew that was all he would do and I wasn’t expecting anything else as those words were enough.
I felt him put his other hand on my thigh and I could feel his uneasiness. After a few deep breaths I started to laugh, trying to get rid of the tension and relax him, showing him that I was ok. I felt him gently sigh as the side of his lip curled up ever so slightly. It was enough. He was trying, and that meant more than anything.
“I never knew you cared for me so much Mr Windex, maybe you should swing by my room later tonight huh?”. He leaned back and immediately looked the other way, clearly embarrassed. “Shut up you brat. My fault for trying to comfort you, damn little shit”.
I continued giggling and saw Levi standing up.
“Wait, wait. Where do you think you’re going?”.
“Bed”. “You sleep two to three hours a day Levi”. “Shower then”. “Bullshit, you already took 2 since we came back didn’t you?”.
“…3”. “Fuck me. Just stay with me...please?”. I knew he couldn’t refuse me when I looked at him like that. “…Fine. Under one condition”. “Yeah?”. “Make me some of your black tea”.
I smirked. “Whatever you wish Levi”.
He was my best friend, and deep down, I knew that was all he was every going to be. After all there is no room for relationships in the military. But as long as he was there with me, that was enough.