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Tossing, turning.
Another sleepless night left you barely awake at the round table as JJ described your upcoming case. Everyone was adding in comments, getting an idea of what they thought they were up against, you could hardly keep your eyes open.
Spencer spoke up and it shattered through your bones. You didn’t hear what he said but you noted the tone. He was getting stronger. It had been over a hundred days since he left you and you watched everyday as he struggled against himself, you tried to pretend like you didn’t care. You didn’t do a very good job, hence the no sleep. It was getting out of hand, but you assumed that it would at least get better when Spencer was fully himself again. Even if he wasn’t yours again.
Struggled through the night with someone new. Baby, I could go on and on.
“ Isn’t tonight the big night?”
“What?”
Emily had cornered you on the jet, it was an easy job, you guys were on a jet, you could hardly run out the door.
“You know... Isn't tonight your third date with that guy?”
JJ, coming to stand behind Emily’s chair, chimed in. “Oh yeah! Third dates a big one, better hope you pack a goodnight bag.”
The two girls giggled, and your stomach turned.
The case was over nice and quick, and you were on your way home already. It was Friday night, and you were looking forward to jumping into bed, but you had agreed to go on a third date and although it had only been a week or two, the guy you were seeing (one of Penelope’s ‘friends’) had been dropping hints of a sleepover. You never wanted to date the guy in the first place, you had told Penelope ‘no’ so many times that she had stopped asking for a while, but one drunk night after what would have been you and Spencer’s anniversary, you called her and told her you wanted a date the following week and you didn’t care with who.
It was a mistake. The first date was fine, but you didn’t want to be there. You damned your politeness when you agreed to a second date and you cursed your mouth when you’d told Garcia about it, especially when, before you knew it, Morgan, Prentiss and JJ were all up your ass for updates.
Here came Morgan now.
“Legs all shaved there, L/N?”
You tried to laugh along; it sounded harsh even to your ears. Luckily, they didn’t mention it, they knew. You knew they knew. They had seen your relationship with Spencer spark, grow wings and then die screaming. The team had seen it all. They didn’t know about Spencer’s issue, Rossi and Hotch did, the others just assumed it was all relationship problems, when they tried to help him, he turned cold, eventually they stopped trying. They moved onto you and although you were warmer, it was purely because you were falling apart so hard that you couldn’t push someone away even if you wanted to.
You felt bad about letting your tiredness and anxiety tear you from the conversation, so you put a smile back on your face.
“Do you think he would notice if I brought along my go-bag from the jet?”
“Don’t bother, you won’t be needing pyjamas anyway.”
They laughed again and it rattled through your head like a bad tune.
To their credit they kept their voices down due to Spencer sleeping a few chairs over. No matter how cold he was, they didn’t want to hurt him, so they spoke softly.
You didn’t because you knew by taking one look at him that there was no way he was asleep. You watched that man twitch and turn throughout a two-year relationship, you knew what his ’asleep’ looked like.
He was eavesdropping and he deserved everything he got. You didn’t mean that. You should! But you didn’t. You wished you did.
If he didn’t want you dating with other people, he shouldn’t have left you.
You decided you would go on the third date and see where it took you.
It was a bad decision, but you could have told yourself that.
Lantern, burning. Flickered in my mind, only you.
He was asleep next to you. It was terrible, you couldn't even remember his name. This would be your last date with the guy. The sex was passable, but he wasn’t Spencer and that was the issue. Every move he made you thought of how he wasn’t Spencer. His hands weren’t Spencer’s hands. He didn’t touch you right because Spencer was the only person who knew the right way to touch you. This guy might be nice enough, but he wasn’t your soulmate and until you had forgotten that fact, you wouldn’t date at all.
Spencer really had ruined your life.
You were counting down the hours until you thought you could leave. You didn’t want to risk it at two a.m. in case he woke up and questioned you, as horrible as that sounded. You also didn’t think you’d get a cab at that time, and you weren’t a hundred percent sure where you were. Some FBI agent.
You lay in the dark thinking about Spencer’s eyes before you gave up trying to sleep and went to look for your dress instead.
But you were still gone.
It was very early morning. Very, very early morning. You would like to think five a.m. but you knew it was closer to four.
When you left ‘That Guys’ apartment, you figured out quickly that you weren’t very far from home and walking was possible, luckily your heels weren’t too high. You refused to carry them. It wasn’t a walk of shame if you didn’t feel ashamed was the rule that most women spoke about, but the real truth was that it wasn’t a walk of shame if you still had your heels on. Everyone knew that.
Twenty-ish minutes later and you were walking up the stairs to your apartment, finally ready to sleep, fall into bed until Monday when you would suffer your torture all over again. Hopefully the cases would all be local, and you wouldn’t have to cry in a hotel bed thinking of Spencer in the next room.
Eyes closed; you walked the final steps to what would be your doorstep.
Instead of scuffing across your old Halloween welcome mat, your heels hit a pair of worn in converse, attached to a sleeping genius. A genius sleeping on your doorstep.
“Spencer?”
He didn’t stir.
“Spencer?!”
Nothing.
You kicked the bottom of his foot with maybe more might than necessary.
“SPENCER!”
He jumped up and reached for the gun that wasn’t there. He must have gone home before coming to see you.
You unlocked the door and stepped over him to get inside, assuming he was behind you. You didn’t slam the door in his face as you should have.
Mind working a mile a minute, you could imagine him now. He got off the jet after hearing your conversation. Went home and paced the walls until he settled on coming over here.
You knew him so well. If you had been more awake earlier, you might have actually predicted this. Probably not. You couldn’t predict Spencer’s actions for a while now.
You rounded on his bleary face; he was still waking up. You were still falling asleep. Perfect pair.
“So what? You wanted to see if I’d really gone on that date?”
He looked sheepish but nodded. You finally took your heels off and threw them somewhere to be tripped over later.
“Well as you can see I did.”
“You slept with him?” His sweet voice pierced your soul and enraged you all at the same time.
“Not that it’s any of your business but yes.” You unzipped your dress and threw it in a different direction to your shoes, just for fun.
Tiredness overcoming modesty, it was nothing he hadn’t seen before. He barely reacted. Just turned to sit on your couch with a snort.
"It was that bad?”
You weren’t awake enough to be as annoyed as you were going to be, so you went to the kitchen to make coffee as Spencer kicked off his shoes. Clearly this was going to be a marathon.
“Excuse me?”
“Come on Y/N. The first night we slept together you stayed for three days; you went to work in my shirts. If you really liked this guy, then you wouldn’t be sneaking out at the first opportunity.” He was trying to find common ground, share a memory between you both. You weren’t in the mood for it, you placed his old coffee cup in front of him and walked away to find a bathrobe.
“What do you want Spencer?”
Been losing grip on sinking ships. You showed up just in time.
This had been the longest conversation of your life and so far, it was only an hour.
The coffee was finished, your robe was fraying, your hair falling out, time was no longer real. Spencer was nearly sweating. It was after six and nothing had been resolved except that you had both broken the sound barrier screaming at each other.
“I need you Y/N! I can’t go on anymore! All I think about is my obsession! It’s taking over my life. I need you to come back, I need you to stop this!”
You couldn’t believe your ears; he was lucky you were no longer holding a ceramic mug. “So, I should take you back, so you don’t start using again? Nice Spence, real manipulative.”
He looked genuinely hurt. “No. No! That’s not what I’m saying! I’m saying that missing you is an entirely different kind of pain to stopping using, compared to this, giving up the drugs was easy! I’m drowning here Y/N! Gasping for air that only you can provide! You’re my obsession! Nothing else but you!”
You thought about last night spent in another man’s arms, how everything that crossed your mind had been Spencer. How miserable you had been since he left, even with another man you couldn’t stop thinking of your genius. You were obsessed too. It wasn’t healthy, but that’s love.
When you're young, you just run. But you come back to what you need.
“ You left me Spencer. Not the other way around, I tried to help you deal with your illness.” You refused to say the word ‘addiction’, you knew he didn’t like to be reminded of what he was and argument or not, you wouldn’t hurt him unnecessarily. You wanted to, but you knew you wouldn’t. Couldn’t.
“And I could see what a toll it was taking on you! I had to leave; I couldn’t live with doing that to you, to us, but I’m better now! Things can be better now! Please!”
“No. No! I couldn’t live without you! What you did was so much worse than letting me stay! I had to watch you struggle alone! I had to sit next to you in the office, on the jet, at the roundtable, just sit there watching you deteriorating for months before you started getting better! You tortured me, Spencer!” A bold statement to say to someone who had actually been tortured but you needed him to understand what he had done to you, how it felt when he left you for doing nothing more than trying to help and love him. “Things won’t be better! I’ll still remember what it was like to wake up without you! What it was like to wake up with someone else!” You were breaking down. It was getting too hard now, you just wanted to go to bed and have Spencer wrap himself around you, but you couldn’t have that. Wouldn’t.
You were going to tell him to leave but he interrupted you.
“I’m sorry! I’m so sorry baby, please.”
It was the first time he had ever said it. Shocking, but it was. Through everything he had never once apologised. You didn’t know how badly you needed to hear the words until they were flying through the air towards you. You breathed them in, and they changed you in some way. Maybe they didn’t. Maybe you just needed him too badly.
He looked so broken, and you felt so lost. If you could patch each other up, what did everything else matter?
He had gotten closer throughout your screaming match, nearly toe-to-toe as you raged at each other over shared hurt.
You split a breath in which the apartment was finally in silence.
Then he was on you.
This love is good, this love is bad. This love is alive back from the dead.
It wasn’t soft or sweet. It wasn’t a kiss of apologies. This wasn’t a warm hug at the end of a long day or a man running you a bath. This was rehomed love. A dancer finding the steps after being off with an injury. This was love coming back to two people that had never really let it go.
This kiss was CPR bringing back your heart from the brink of stopping, and from the way Spencer picked you up and carried you to bed, it was clear that the kiss did the same for him.
These hands had to let it go free. This love came back to me.
You were together, really together, for the first time in forever.
It was magical.
Nothing and everything had changed all at once.
This wasn’t the Spencer you had seen last in your bed. When he touched you, he didn’t shake. His eyes focussed on you first time before they shut with a groan that had you grinning. This was the man you had fallen in love with.
You wouldn’t let him go again.
He didn’t plan on going anywhere anyway.
This love left a permanent mark. This love is glowing in the dark.
You didn’t mention anything to the team, but you didn’t have to.
Emily didn’t ask how your date went.
Penelope didn’t try and set you up again.
JJ stopped asking Reid over at the weekends for dinner.
Morgan stopped teasing Reid about his social life.
Hotch called you both into the office a few weeks later to sign a form agreeing that your personal relationship wouldn’t interfere with your work. You both signed without comment, as you had last time.
Rossi collected enough bet money from everyone to be able to buy dinner for the whole team at the new steakhouse downtown.
These hands had to let it go free. This love came back to me.
You and Spencer entered the restaurant holding hands and there were already two seats vacant next to each other.
The team barely glanced up at your joint arrival.
Nothing had changed and everything had changed.