Chapter Text
Seungmin knew—well not much—but he did know that he didn’t feel good, which was more than he did know most days.
Pain was a funny thing. Sometimes it was so obnoxiously present it was hard to miss and other times it felt like an odd feeling. Sometimes pain started as an anxious feeling in the base of his stomach, a knot in his throat, a ringing in his ears, or simply a subtle, dull pain in his jaw or temple.
Pain was a funny thing—that was until it was everything. Until it consumed him and caused pain in which he could not function.
It always came on quick. Starting dull and once it escalated it did so without stopping—just going at full spend.
It started dull, much like any night. It was a long night, or maybe he was dehydrated, or it simply started without cause. It always seemed to have no cause.
Dinner was ready and as much as he never wanted to leave bed and just sleep away his life, he wouldn’t dare disrespect Minho by not even showing up to his meal. Willing himself up, he sat on the edge of the bed and paused. The room was spinning, ears ringing, head pounding. His mind ached—his body ached—he ached. All he wanted to do was drown in medication even as much as he knew it didn’t work. The medications never worked. Not once. And even if it did, it was temporary. The only cure was sleep and time and often that didn’t cut it.
He jolted as a knock landed on the door. Pushing the door open, Jisung popped his head in, “You coming, baby?” He asked. His eyes swam with concern—Seungmin knew he simply looked like shit.
“Mhm,” was all he could produce in an answer. The dull pain was distracting at minimum and blinding at most. It threw him off his game and words felt so far away. Jisung walked in a little further, coming to Seungmin’s side. “Ready to get up?” A simple nod in return.
Grabbing Seungmin’s waist, he slowly pulled him to his feet, a whimper escaped his lips. “You have to eat love, no matter how bad the pain. You know that, honey. You know that. You eat just a little and you can get back into bed and sleep all night and we’ll check in, in the morning, hmm?” Jisung was right.
From an outside view, it might appear as though Jisung was being too rough—but his intent was gentle and Seungmin knew that by now. Jisung tended to stay clear of coddling—as much as Seungmin wished he would just a little. He was attentive and soft and was right there through every health hiccup. But Seungmin knew his tough guy persona and less than gentle exterior were simply his way of getting through the day. If he were too gentle and too coddling, his breath started to pick up, and his vision closed in. Reality set in, that’s what Seungmin thought. When Jisung was too soft, he was on the verge of an attack. Because it was all too real—too severe—too serious. It meant to Jisung that Seungmin was fragile and needed the coddling as if he was to pass on by something as simple as the wind blowing.
Seungmin didn’t know what allowed him to walk all the way to his seat at the dining room table without help but he walked all that way and somehow was fine—unaware of the issues instead.
Focusing on the pain only increased it—to distract it he watched. He watched as Chan sat at the head of the table with Changbin to his left and Minho to his right. He watched as Felix led Jeongin in, pulling him along. Hand in hand, he guided him to his seat like a small child that was scared or nervous of those around them at some family function. His eyes were cloudy—a childlike glint to it. He watched as Hyunjin took a seat next to himself and as Minho started to pass along the plates of food.
Seungmin watched as dinner was served—he watched as he mindlessly put his portion on to his own plate and as the chatter flowed without pause. He watched as Changbin starred down Jeongin—and maybe he wasn’t meaning to but he was staring right at him without breaking contact. He was barely there behind those eyes and yet he starred.
Seungmin watched as he turned to face Jeongin—trying to see what Changbin was so invested in watching. Except he was only met with a tearful expression.
He watched as Felix noticed the poor boy’s struggle with his knife to cut into his food. “Innie, do you want help?” Felix asked. He watched as Felix reached to the edge of the plate, inching it closer to himself as he received no response.
Seungmin watched as Jeongin’s face scrunched, almost knowing what was coming, he braced himself. “No!” Jeongin screamed out. Seungmin tensed as the scream ripped through his tender skull that felt like it was splitting itself at the noise. Grasping at his head, he tried to compose himself even in the pain.
He knew better than to assume Jeongin was yelling simply because he could—he wasn’t that type of person. He was a kind, thoughtful, and sensitive boy, who was nothing but respectful to his hyungs.
Watching him as he struggled to maintain his independence even as he tried to complete a basic task, was difficult. Part of Seungmin wanted to step in and just care for the boy and the other part of him knew that he had to do it himself. Turning his head away, he was faced with Changbin’s unreadable expression that hinted at concern.
It’s not that Seungmin didn’t expect it—he did— he just didn’t think, in a time like this, would Minho raise his voice to the boy.
“Jeongin.” He started, without a tint of emotion.
Seungmin’s eyes fluttered closed as he tried to maintain his pain level amidst the commotion.
“Do not speak to your hyung like that. Do you hear me? You will not speak like that to him. He was trying to help, you are old enough to know how to communicate. I'm not going to force you to say you’re sorry or whatever because I think you’re old enough to make that decision and choice of words for yourself. Now we are going to continue dinner. You can stay and finish your meal or you can step out to regulate yourself.”
The pain seared into him like a burn from hot oil.
Please God, help me. Please lord, make it stop. Please stop. I beg you.
“Hyung, it's ok, I think he’s overtired. It's been a long day.” Felix tried to step in.
Please, God, help. I can’t bear it. Please.
“‘M not a baby, d—don’t talk about me like that.” Jeongin whimpered out— No, no. Stop. Please don’t. Innie, breathe. Please don’t cry.
“I know Innie, it's ok. Would you like to finish your dinner?” Hyunjin spoke and his voice burned its way into Seungmin’s mind. His gentle and kind voice, now sharp and painful. What was once heaven was now hell.
Jeongin’s fuss only added to the surmounting pain in Seungmin’s head. Every noise—every breath for that matter pained him.
“Ok, ok… let's go lay down then hmm? Come with me, Innie.”
Seungmin could hear as his chair scraped back on the floor as Felix stood—Seungmin didn’t need to see to know that—the world through the ears wasn’t all that bad. Honestly, being able to hear the world and never have to see it, was a fun party trick but when it was solely developed out of necessity from far too many migraines and far too many days in the dark healing, it became less of a party trick and more of the nasty result of chronic illness.
It was only inevitable that Jeongin would cry. Seungmin knew that and yet still failed to brace himself before it started.
“Hyun, go grab it.” Felix spoke to Hyunjin, who was already moving.
Seungmin heard as Jeongin allowed himself to throw his body against the chair, making an effective thud against its solidness. His childlike sobs hiccupped and echoed against the walls of the room and the walls of his head. He wasn’t surprised—if he was, he would have had to be oblivious.
He—and well everyone else—watched as Jeongin wore himself thin. The stress of living was simply too much. Even through his migraine, he saw the pressure build, it was only right it was to blow up over something so trivial.
Jeongin had always shined in being the youngest. He always loved the attention and was practically glowing in the praise and overall doting he received. As Seungmin’s health issues started to show and he was simply spending more time basking in the mundane as he attempted to accept his limitations, he spent a lot of time picking up on the behaviors of those around him.
He watched as Felix and Hyunjin, the lovely pair, would baby Jeongin any time they could. He watched as Minho and Changbin cared for Chan and how in the simple hours of the night how Chnagbin cared for Minho, while especially noting the lack of care to Changbin but never a lack of love between the three.
He watched as his own lover struggled to attempt to understand and quite frankly, come to terms with Seungmin’s own limitations and poor health. He watched as the man struggled in his mind to fathom that he was not invincible against all that was previously believed.
Owning the fact that life is temporary and not a permanent fixture was comforting to Seungmin and yet panic attack invoking for Jisung.
Death was peace for Seungmin while death was disastrous to Jisung. Seungmin would say that grief for one who has died could be disastrous but the act itself was not. The act was mercy. It was simply a means to an end. A finishing line. An accomplishment. Something to be honored and not feared.
The absence of someone in the wake of death was scary to most and fear for what will come in grief has a right to be feared but death itself is not something to fear. Seungmin knew that holding faith in God for the plan for his life that he was not privileged enough to see was a gift of peace that God was granting to him.
He knew that holding true in his faith was the challenge he was given on this earth and he knew that He is working in his favor—“It’s ok Innie. I got you, it’s ok.” Felix spoke.
He knew that his prayers of help and for his pain or the aggravation to his pain to stop did not fall of deaf ears but rather on the ears of a lord working in his favor. He, God, allowed for those around him to receive the help and guidance needed for the crying to stop. Or for the tension to end. Or for understanding to be brought to them.
While God did not work like the magic in the movies powered by demand, He did work with a plan to ensure people may receive the help and timing needed.
“Oh Innie bear,” Hyunjin cooed at Jeongin. The crying had slowed. The tears had paused. The world suddenly stopped spinning for a moment of peace. Cracking his eyes open, he was met with an enduring sight of two loving people joined in loving another.
Seungmin watched as Hyunjin grabbed a tissue and gently wiped away the snot and tears congested on his face. Jeongin hiccuped and coughed gently as Felix blew cool air into his face as he worked to settle him.
“Hi baby, it’s ok, look what Jinnie brought you,” Felix cooed gently. “Here, lovely,” Hyunjin said, handing over the pacifier in his hand. He held it out to him for a moment before slipping it between his lips.
Seungmin never expected to hear a baby-like giggle come from Jeongin, but it did and it was sweet and innocent, much like him.
With Jeongin settled in Felix’s arms, the conversions picked up. Hyunjin chatted with Jisung about something Seungmin just couldn’t hear well enough. Chan and Minho spoke among themselves while Changbin remained stuck in his own head.
The past few months had been beyond rough for Changbin in the wake of his grief. The loss of his childhood friend was one that he hadn’t quite figured out how to cope with just yet. Seungmin couldn’t blame him but he thought he would manage better by this time in his grief.
Seungmin tried to comfort him, he really did. When he found him crying weeks after the news, he tried to offer him some words to help.
“Oh Binnie.” Seungmin said as he sat with him. Changbin sobbed without a seeable end. He found him—hiding in the bathroom of their practice room, unable to continue with practice that day.
“You know, after I lost my mother. I looked to the Lord. I tried to remember that she was no longer suffering as she walked with Him. ‘Blessed are those who mourn.’ Mourning is simply the act of love preservering. You mourn because you loved. Without love you would never mourn. We are graced with the innate ability as humans to grieve and love and mourn and live and it reaffirms your humanity. It’s ok to mourn. It’s ok to cry. It’s ok to be stuck in your grief. Would you like to come to Mass with me? Maybe you will find comfort in the scripture.” Changbin nodded at his words but said nothing as he cried a little softer. He leaned into Seungmin’s embrace and accepted the love.
Seungmin wished he could comfort him more without overstepping with his faith. The Lord brought him comfort but it didn’t for so many others. Seungmin knew that. He respected that.
It was like music to his ears to hear the baby-like giggles that came from Jeongin. They all could hear it, Chan had slowly shrugged off his boyfriends’ hands allowing him to hear like the rest.
“We are going to go put him to bed, we’ll be back.” They announced as the boy in Felix’s arms looked close to sleep. Seungmin watched as Changbin’s eyes tracked them as they walked and he looked to want to join them. Chan’s hand reached out to Changbin, grasping at his thigh and rubbing his thumb against his skin. Changbin wasn’t alone in his struggles, he had them all but he specifically had Minho and Chan. As much as Changbin cared for them, they too cared for him.
“What’s going on? Are you okay?” Chan whispered to Changbin, moving closer to him.
A surge of pain ripped through Seungmin’s skull as Jisung reached out to him. His hand wrapped around Seungmin’s offering him what little comfort he could. Retracting his own hand, Seungmin held on to his temples as he focused to stay conscious not that it would do much to prevent the inevitable.
What He wanted to happen, would happen.
“Hey, sorry it’s just me. Felix couldn’t get away. Innie is being clingy. But I mean you guys deserve an explanation.” Seungmin tried to open his eyes to the sound of Hyunjin’s voice. Tried and failed but tried nonetheless.
“I mean you don’t owe us anything but it’d be nice,” Jisung said softly, he virtually whispered the words out, knowing the effects of sound on Seungmin. Hyunjin nodded, shifting on his feet as the floor under him creaked at the moment, something that shouldn’t have hurt but it did—everything hurt no matter how light the sound.
“Have you guys heard of age regression?” He asked, the room was so silent Seungmin’s mind hurt at the sound of electricity pulsing throughout the apartment, and the sound of the fridge running.
“So basically it's when someone regresses their mind, so Innie is mentally younger—a baby. People can do it for stress, to heal from childhood trauma, or even just for fun. It’s involuntary a lot of the time. Like with Innie, he’s been getting upset and frustrated a lot because he was denying himself what he needed to be healthy. You guys might have questions and I can do my best to answer you.” Hyunjin tried. He was nervous, his shifting feet and soft creaks of the floor.
“So he…um is a baby?” Chan asked nervously.
Seungmin knew the importance of this conversation. He knew it and yet all he wanted to do was scream for everything to stop.
Please. Oh please, God. Make it stop. Please. Hear me.
“Right now, um–yes. His mind is regressed which means that his mind is mentally younger, so he’s gonna cry, fuss and whine like a baby. When he regresses he needs to be treated like a baby. You need to be gentle and calm with him. He doesn’t understand—like if he does something and it's wrong, he doesn’t know that it is because his brain is younger. I think he’s in a toddler or baby age range so you can treat him like a child, you know be patient and if you don’t wanna be around him when he’s small that's okay. Just let me or Felix know.”
“You said they could wanna do it to help with stress or heal from trauma. Innie–he’s not like traumatized right? He doesn’t have trauma does he?”
The pain was so immense he didn’t even recognise the voice of his lover.
“You’d have to ask Jeongin, he’d know that answer. I don’t, that wasn’t something he shared with us. I don’t know his reason.”
“Uh I’ll talk to Jeongin when he’s—uh not young?”
“Big. When he’s big. Big meaning like normal age or not regressed.”
“Right. I’ll talk to Jeongin when he’s big, I need to apologize to him, I think maybe I wasn’t sensitive to him.”
“Yeah Hyung, that’d be great, I’m sure he’d appreciate that.” His voice finished as he pulled his chair back, the screeching against the floor made Seungmin want to curl into himself.
Opening his eyes, they drooped tiredly. Staring straight at Jisung, his eyes begged what he failed to say. Jisung’s lips moved—the silent words failed to reach him. Whatever he said, Seungmin just nodded. Seungmin watched for a moment as Jisung stood quickly, coming to his side.
“I’m really excited to meet him—you know, like small and everything. It’d be so much fun, like I’m great with kids, if you didn’t know.” Jisung bragged lightly as he moved around the table to Seungmin.
“You let me know if he wakes up and he’s still small? I wanna play with him if he’s up for it. But um,” Jisung paused as he placed his arms under his, bending down slightly as he lifted Seungmin up, pulling him into his arms and onto his feet. Seungmin failed to gain balance as he stumbled upon standing. Jisung held him up, keeping the majority of his weight.
“We are heading to bed, Minnie isn’t feeling good.”
Chan stood nervously, his chair scraping on the floor as he stood, Seungmin winced lightly as the energy drained from him. “Do you guys need anything? He doesn’t look too good, Sung,” he expressed.
“He’s having an aura, grab his rescue meds for me?” Jisung said in a rushed manner. The longer he stood the longer he felt himself slip a little farther. Lifting him up, Jisung kissed his temple. The pain was reaching the point where he felt consciousness leaving him.
Seungmin’s eyes slipped closed as Chan moved over to them, putting his arm under Seungmin’s, moving his arm to lay behind Chan’s neck. Chan’s gentle fingers took hold of Seungmin's hand that dangled off his shoulder without much energy or life.
“Come on, let’s get you into bed, I can grab your meds once you’re safe, ok love?” Chan said gently. But as gentle as it was his words and voice pained him.
The understanding of the transition from conscious to unconscious was humbling to say the least. Your body being in the control of those around you, requires immense trust—without it the time in this state is scary beyond belief.
He felt as his body was laid against the bed and as his limbs were moved to rest comfortably. His mind remained vaguely conscious as his body felt everything. Jisung and Chan worked to get his intravenous fluids and dihydroergotamine flowing through his body.
Migraines were a common thing for Seungmin. Since he was a child and even a baby, he experienced debilitating migraines daily. The longest migraine he had experienced was one right after debut that lasted 3 months straight before his body gave out as the pain worsened one day at practice. He was rushed to the hospital when he finally revealed his situation.
A fMRI, a SPECT, PET scans, CAT scans, and CT, were all performed with nothing to show. Other tests showed the heightened vitals from extreme pain. He was in pain and nothing was controlling it. With his regorise lifestyle he was placed on a dihydroergotamine infusion. A last ditch effort to control his pain, and give him back his life. With a PICC line placed in his arm that went directly into his bloodstream, he was able to receive dihydroergotamine at home when a migraine caused blackouts and unmanageable pain.
Chan held Seungmin’s body still as he withered in pain on the bed, trying to curl into himself to stop the pain. “Hey, Seungmin, you need to stay still, please my love. Just for a moment so I can help you.”
Involuntary tears streamed down Seungmin’s cheeks as his conscious mind tried to make sense of the pain he felt and the disorientation of his consciousness. He rolled to his side as his body screamed in pain.
“Hold still, my love. Please, baby.” Jisung pleaded as Seungmin subconsciously fought against Chan’s arms and body holding him down. The logical part of him would have known his safety and who was around him but with his consciousness moving in and out he failed to summon his logic.
The PICC line found its home in Seungmin’s upper right arm, from which it connected to his veins and therefore into his bloodstream. It lined the veins that went directly to his heart. While it was strongly in place and couldn’t come out, if Seungmin didn’t lay flat and calmly it could risk pulling it, puncturing it, or worse. Jisung was always careful with it but he needed to be more than careful and highly sterile with it while open.
“Chan, I wouldn’t ask you to do this unless it was absolutely necessary. But I need you to get on top of him. And hold him down.” His voice shook as he said those words. He would never imagine wanting to scare Seungmin. But his consciousness was low and he needed these medications. Once connected Chan could get off and everything would be fine but he needed him still to keep him safe.
Chan froze for a moment. He needed to restrain him. He wouldn’t know what to do if the poor boy was to be scared of him. Standing up from his crouched place beside the bed, Chan climbed onto the bed. Pushing Seungmin’s legs down against the bed, Chan threw his own leg over Seungmin, straddling his legs. Leaning forward, Chan placed the palms of his hands against his shoulders, using his body weight to hold him in place.
Seungmin whined and threw his head back against the bed as he attempted to move to get comfortable. “Channie, could you place one hand on his shoulder and the other on his forearm so I can get access?” Chan nodded as he moved to change positions, trying to withhold too much pressure on the poor boy.
Once still Jisung donned gloves before prepping the line with alcohol wipe to sanitize it. Grabbing the meds he set out, Jisung opened the line and flushed it through. Slowly, he administered each syringe of medication. Last came the most important. The dihydroergotamine infusion, this bag of saline hung to flow through with an injection of the meds. Taking the needle he slowly inserted it into the line, watching as it flowed through. Hanging the bag to his IV pole, Jisung motioned for Chan to release him.
Jisung would be lying if he said it didn’t pain him to have to do that. To force his loved one down as they struggle with consciousness to administer medication that may or may not help, was hellish. It was the first time he’d ever had to do that. Usually Seungmin laid still, so still even that Jisung wondered if he was still breathing. But something about this time made Seungmin combative, and restless, and whatever the cause, it scared Jisung. He wasn’t himself and it showed so plainly—so painfully.
Seungmin whimpered lightly as he ran his fingers near the port, Jisung was immediately by his side, rushing to wrap the site to cover the line to avoid his fingers touching it. With a mesh wrap to protect it, Jisung settled by his side. Petting his hair and holding his hand, Jisung tried to comfort Seungmin through his pain and discomfort.
“Read it to me, please.” Seungmin whispered out. If it wasn’t Jisung with him, they wouldn’t have known what he needed. Jisung knew what he needed.
“Which verse, my love?”
He thought for a moment. Chan opened the door to leave as he thought and tried to focus for just a moment.
“Isaiah 41:10”
Reaching into his bedside table, Jisung revealed a simple white bible. The words across the front read, ‘Bible’ in different patterned letters.
Opening it, Jisung searched for the verse. It came much easier to him than before, the verses seemed to be aligned with his memory and the simple habit of his task, he found them easily.
“Isaiah 41:10. Oh this one, I like this one.
So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.”
Jisung flipped through the pages searching for another.
“Mmh, oh this one is good. Deuteronomy 31:8. The Lord himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged.”
Seungmin breathed out slowly, focusing on his Lord and his scripture. His hand snaked closer to Jisung, grasping onto his thigh, thumbing over it.
“Jeremiah 29:11. “For I know the plan I have got you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”
Huffing out air, Seungmin settles.
Although Jisung never found himself finding such great love in the Lord, but Seungmin did. found great comfort in the words. The promise of His love and word was enough for Seungmin to maintain grounded in his life.
Seungmin settled his eyes a little more and snuggled a little further in bed. “Baby? You wanna pray before you sleep? I’ll do it with you,” Jisung offered. Seungmin nodded flopily, he lazily lifted his hands grasping on to Jisung’s hands as he felt them.
“Will you do it tonight? Speak from your heart to Him. You can ask Him whatever you’d like, ask for direction or f-forgiveness. Whatever is on your mind, bring it to him. Acknowledge His wisdom, it is greater than your own.”
“Whatever you need my love, I will do it.” Jisung breathed out in response.
“Lord, hear my prayer. We look to you, to you for your guidance, patience, and understanding. How I can understand your plan is beyond me. I don’t understand it and yet I lean into it. For him, I lean into you for Seungmin, for my love for him goes to you. I lean to you for him. I know your plan for us, for him is far greater than I can know or understand. I ask for guidance, for direction on how to go forward. I trust that you will show us. You will guide us. Amen.”
“In the name of the father and of the son, and of the holy spirit. Amen,” Seungmin whispered as his hand reached to touch his forehead, his heart, then his two shoulders, blessing himself.
“We touch our foreheads, our heart, and our two shoulders as we express the two chief mysteries of our faith. First, that God is the trinity of persons and the second, that Jesus died for us on the cross. By doing it, we acknowledge that we believe in Jesus Christ as God.”
Nothing was more powerful or beautiful than watching the one you love express their love and devotion for something far greater than themselves. Jisung knew from the start what he was getting himself into with dating Seungmin, and watching him explain his savior, his reason, was a simple reason and it comforted Jisung.
Jisung believed then as he believed now that faith in something greater than yourself was trust in which he aspired for himself and for his love.
Seungmin’s eyes fully shut as he allowed his body to relax into the bed and for sleep to over take. Standing up, Jisung grasped the sheets pulling them over his body, tucking them around his body. Gently checking his PICC line, he rolled the IV pole closed and locked it into place.
Leaning down to brush the hair from Seungmin’s forehead, he laid a kiss to his crown, whispering a small gesture of love. “I love you.”