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Ness and Kaiser's connection is a fine line between a powerful passion and bitter resentment. One always praises, but the other always shames the other one. Ness is fully aware of this, but he is okay with it as long as Kaiser is the one being successful, since he is more valuable.
But he also knows that being a slave to Kaiser like this does no good for him. When was the last time Ness thought for himself? When was the last time his life revolved around him? Ever since he met Kaiser way back when they were just teenagers, Kaiser was life to him. But is that really all he wants? Was there anything else Ness wanted other than Kaiser?
Yes he did.
Acceptance.
Not just from Kaiser but also himself. It's funny. He could accept an individual easier than he can accept himself. Why was that? He didn't have the answer for. But why wouldn't Ness be addicted and obsessed with Kaiser??
Kaiser's smart, cool, good at soccer, attractive...what more could he say? Kaiser was everything. He was everything Ness could only dream of being.
See, Ness isn't any of that. Ness isn't that intelligent, cool, good at sports or ever attractive. He was nothing. He was something that could never amount to what Kaiser had. Maybe that's why he acts this way towards Kaiser, because he respects him for being better and successful in what he does.
Ness found it sickening when Kaiser was more interested with Isagi. He hated how he acted towards him and how they didn't even know each other for that long yet they seemed closer than Kaiser and Ness were. He hated it so much. He didn't understand why Kaiser liked it when people went against what he thought. All Ness did was agree with everything Kaiser did and always did what he wanted. But doing things like that nowadays seems to put Kaiser off and he didn't know why. Isagi always disagreed with Kaiser yet Kaiser wanted to chase more and more after him and this got on his nerves. He hated Isagi. but he also respected Isagi too for it.
It was because Isagi wasn't someone to be owned by others and that he had a mind of his own. Ness couldn't relate. All throughout Blue Lock, he felt as if his heart was bound by Kaiser's and that it should always be that way. Even if Ness seemed okay with this sort of thing, deep down he knew how stupid it was. Why waste time on someone who doesn't even care for your well being? What a question indeed. But he cared, and he shouldn't have. Being thoughtful was harmful too, and Ness knew that this selfless care would be the one to torment his loving soul.
Ness saw Kaiser praising Isagi and it made his heart ache. Of course Kaiser compliments Isagi, why wouldn't he? Kaiser was fond of Isagi because he was everything Ness wasn't, and that really pained Ness to take in, but he knew it to be true. But Ness also learned that whatever Isagi was, he wouldn't be anything remotely similar, because he loved Kaiser and Isagi thought otherwise about him. Ness wished he hadn't cared when he saw this interaction with those two, cause he suddenly felt a sharp pain in his chest, almost as knives had dugged deep into his heart and impaled it without a care in the world. Ness quickly ran to the washroom and coughed hysterically as blue petals poured out of his mouth into the toilet. Oh gosh, it was at this point Ness knew he had definitely died by his own hand.
Hanahaki Disease.
Ness banged his hands against the wall in frustration and sadness. Of course his sad and worthless feelings for the emperor would cause him this pain in his heart. To Ness, it wasn't surprising, but he hated it for it to be the well rounded truth. And Ness couldn't blame anyone else except for himself for this sickness he had brought upon himself. It made him feel idiotic and insignificant and he had wished he didn't love Kaiser the way he had. But it's too late. Ness now had to deal with this agonizing disease that would tear him down every single day now.
Hanahaki Disease occurs when the victim suffers from one-sided love, resulting in the person coughing or throwing up flower petals. It ends when the beloved returns their feelings or when the victim dies. It can be cured through surgical removal, but when the infection is removed, the victim's romantic feelings for their love also disappear.
Ness had heard of this illness before, but he didn't think it was actually real. He remembered reading rumors about Hanahaki Disease in a random article before but he never knew how much harm love could be for someone. Ness could end this disease quickly if he got the surgery, but he knew he would never experience the warm and fuzzy feeling in your heart ever again. And to be honest? Ness would rather die than to do that. The other way to stop this sickness was to confess to Kaiser and hope that he would accept his feelings. But Ness felt like a fool, because why the hell would Kaiser love him back? As much as it hurts, he knew damn well Kaiser only saw him as a dog that followed him around helplessly because he had nothing better to do with his worthless life, and it was true.
Ever since Ness had gotten this disease, he had kept it a secret from everyone else. He didn't have the guts to admit he was infected due to his bothersome feelings on one-sided love. Noel had sometimes seen Ness cough a lot, and he did ask about it. Ness would make a random excuse in hopes that Noel wouldn't catch onto his sickness. Thankfully he didn't. But it was so difficult. Holding in your coughs hurts like a bitch more than actually coughing. After hiding and holding it all in for so long to finally cough in peace strained his throat, making it feel like he was suffocating already. Ness felt like his death was nearing and he didn't know if he could stop it. It really caused him so much pain, but Ness is too caught up in two different perspectives of ideology in which he's unsure what to agree with.
It's been weeks now, and the only reason Ness has lived this far was because he took medicine which didn't entirely get rid of Hanahaki Disease, but it slowed it down enough that it wouldn't be so painful to endure for long periods of time. This also helped him hide it better since he didn't always feel like getting struck down by invisible knives deep in his chest. But even so, medicine couldn't hold back the illness completely. Just now in the present day, he finally was talking to Kaiser in what felt like years. But of course, Kaiser treated him like no other.
"Ness, you need to focus more. Your passing ability is lacking in skill and you aren't doing your best in our practice games. Stop being useless and do something for once." Kaiser scolded him coldly. Ness just nodded.
"Sorry Kaiser. I'll try harder.." Ness replied quietly. Kaiser scoffed before walking away, muttering something probably mean about Ness, but Ness didn't hear it.
More days go by, and the medicine doesn't seem to be working anymore now. It must be because the disease had gotten too strong for him and that he couldn't stand the mere thought about it. Ness felt very anxious and doubted himself a lot during practice games. Kaiser noticed this behavior from Ness and grew annoyed. He walked right in front of Ness's face and scolded him once more. "What is with you? I swear you're becoming useless every time we play. Get a hold of yourself!" Ness looked at Kaiser sadly. "I'm sorry..." Kaiser gritted his teeth. .
"Gosh I need a new person to work with. I wished Isagi would have taken me instead. Ness trembled as he tried to keep his composure as he didn't reply to Kaiser's words. Kaiser didn't care as he eventually walked over to Isagi's side and chatted with him instead.
More days went by and the disease slowly affected Ness's actual appearance. Ness was grateful it didn't drastically change his appearance, but it did make him appear more tired. Even the one he hated, Isagi noticed but never did he question him, which was something he was grateful for too. Ness doesn't know how long he'll fight off this disease before he dies. Would anyone miss him? Would Kaiser miss him?
Today was the worst day. His disease had gotten way worse and there were so many occasions where he felt like he was dying already. It was hard enough to manage around this sickness, let alone play soccer with it affecting you. Ness was doing horribly in the practice game and Kaiser was not happy. When they had a short break, Kaiser grabbed Ness by the collar in anger.
"What's with your terrible performance?! Are you making a fool out of me? Huh?!" Kaiser yelled in Ness's face. Ness tried to remain under control of his body as he replied. "No. Forgive me." Kaiser rolled his eyes as he let go of his collar as he gave him a glare. "Keep doing those shitty passes and I'll kill you." Ness nodded, too sick to care about Kaiser's seething anger.
After the game, Isagi did great in it and Kaiser even looked his way with interest. Ness felt so much fatigue within him that he could barely stand up at that moment. Isagi and Kaiser talked, and this time it didn't look like a showdown this time. No, they actually talked as if they were friends.
Ness watched in dreadful silence as Kaiser looked so...happy while talking to him. Isagi wasn't as happy as he was, but he didn't look as mad as he usually did. Kaiser smiled warmly while chatting to him, something Ness could never do for him. Just looking at this made Ness feel so torn apart, that his heart felt like it died, or maybe it did.
After watching this conversation, his lungs felt like they were rapidly being filled with flowers inside. This caused him to shake and tremble very badly since it really felt so uncomfortable.
If you see the person you love make connections with other people that isn't you, the Hanahaki Disease will attack your lungs way more, which may cause intense discomfort in your chest.
Ness' breath felt like someone had cut it off completely with scissors as he couldn't breathe at all. His eyes watered and the sickness was so overwhelming that he couldn't hide it anymore.
Ness abruptly fell on the ground, which surprised many of his teammates. Ness placed his hand over his mouth, which was useless as his coughs were too loud anyway. His eyes watered as he coughed and coughed, blue petals slowly coming out of his mouth. He couldn't focus on the panicked voices in the distance since the disease continued to harm him seriously. Ness sobbed in pain as he knew it was his fault anyway. His throat was incredibly sore and he kept coughing out loud, his body trembling. Maybe this was it for him. Ness felt so dizzy and felt as if he was going to faint really quickly. But familiar hands wrapped around him gently and he didn't know whose they were. But soon, he quickly knew it was Kaiser hugging him. It was a confusing miracle.
He couldn't understand why Kaiser would even want to hug him in the first place. It was even more difficult to understand as they hadn't hugged in a while. It was so strange and unfamiliar that Ness couldn't really react to it. Kaiser's hand caressed Ness's face softly as he tried to keep Ness calm. Ness still felt so nauseous and continued to cough, Kaiser's gentle actions only working ever so slowly. "Alexis please stay awake for me. I'm sorry.." Kaiser said, saying his first name. Ness couldn't believe it when Kaiser called him by his first name. He wanted to say something but the illness interrupted him. Ness felt like he was going to throw up. Kaiser hugged him tighter, apologizing with a small tone of voice. Ness couldn't reply that whole time as he finally went unconscious.
The next time Ness woke up, it wasn't in heaven but rather on a white bed with him laying down on it. Ness felt very disoriented and tried to remember what had happened. While deep in his thoughts, Kaiser walked in with a solemn expression. He said to Ness as he looked at him without saying anything at first. Ness hesitantly looked back at Kaiser with a fearful expression. Kaiser saw and felt slightly guilty as he stared at his hands. Both of them were silent before Kaiser spoke first. "Do you feel better?" He asks quietly. "A little bit, my chest still hurts." Ness replied as he tried to breathe normally. Kaiser looked down again. Ness' eyes widened as he saw tears flow down Kaiser's face. He was crying?
Ness grew worried as he abruptly sat up, groaning slightly in discomfort. "Kaiser, don't cry..." Ness said as he wanted to say it was okay, but it really wasn't. Kaiser took Ness's hands into his as he tried to conceal his emotions. "I can't believe this. I wish I had known you even had this sickness in the first place. He explained, wiping his tears away which had ruined his red eye makeup. "I-It's not your fault..." Ness replied weakly. Kaiser shook his head. "No it is.. I knew you really like me yet I did nothing to show you it back." Ness didn't reply as he just sat there, with nothing important to say
Kaiser saw this and took his chance to pull Ness into his arms again. Ness let him as he hesitantly hugged back. Neither of them wanted to say anything, as they just wanted to focus on this moment for a while. Ness felt his warmth, and he could almost spend eternity in his arms. Ness sighed when he finally had the courage to speak.
"Do you like me back Kaiser..?" Ness asks in a soft and weak voice. Kaiser looked up at him, staring deep into his eyes.
"...Yes I do. I was just so stupid to realize it." Kaiser replied honestly as he buried his face into Ness's shoulder. Ness smiled softly and suddenly, it felt like the flowers stuffed down his lungs disappeared as he felt like he could finally breathe clearly. He gently took Kaiser's face and gave him a small peck on his lips. Kaiser blushed slightly and kissed back before laying down with Ness, feeling more warmth in his heart than ever before. He sighed softly as he cuddled with Ness.
I hope you forgive me.
Even as quick as it seemed, Ness was happy because it was because of Kaiser his illness had left his heart.