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"You're here. "
I opened my eyes. The night was free of any clouds, and the darkness beneath my lids was enveloped by the view of the stars above. The balcony from the high-rise club we were at offered much to see, much to touch, much to remember.
"I'm here," I say more so in acknowledgment than a response.
"You waited for me?" He asked, slightly glancing at the high school reunion party behind him.
However, the way his eyes looked into mine made it sound more like a statement, not a question.
It took me a while to respond - my brain almost wanting to come up with a lie - but my mouth was too quick to speak.
"Yes," I whisper.
"Why?" he asked, I almost wanted to slap his face.
"Just because..." I started, but words would never follow it.
My eyes departed his gaze and I proceeded to look at the horizon beyond us, the city skyline emblazoned smack against my midnight view.
He proceeded to sit down on the chair beside me like he always did. You'd think he'd sit across me to face me, but he always did otherwise -
only if it were to play with my fingers or play with the loose threads of my pants while he stared into the distance.
He was weird like that.
But I liked that weirdness.
I don't think he'd noticed, but I scooted closer to him whenever he was nearby. And when I see him stare absentmindedly into space, I stare at him instead.
Just like I did now.
"I wish you didn't wait for me," he whispered, more so a plea than a request.
I was his princess. But before that, I was his friend.
I was my mother's doll. I remember her dressing me up and putting lipstick on me and humoring me into doing a catwalk with the new tiara she'd bought at the costume store. My father always threw homophobic remarks lightly, but nothing too harsh. I guess his love was far greater than his principles.
In school, I had always been friendly with everyone but had been badly shunned at the same time. I think anyone who knew they were gay from a very young age shared a similar experience of being an existentialist. I could never fit well with the girls, and neither do I with the boys. I was simply floating amongst the population sample.
So it was always just me at the end of the day. No one to share the same interests without having to risk receiving a strange glance or a demeaning scoff.
But in high school, I found my very first equal.
My first love. My fantasy. My very first everything.
"I will always wait, Hoon," I whispered back, leaning my head against his shoulder. 'Probably forever,' I thought.
And I meant it. I loved him with all my heart and still do. Even the moment we left what we had forever.
"Sunoo," he sighed and closed his eyes.
"Yes?"
"Stop that."
"Stop what?"
He turned to face me and lightly pushed my shoulder away. "That," he whispered.
I furrowed my eyebrows and looked around. I was worried that he was worried that anyone was around glancing at us in the club, but I found no pairs of eyes trained in our direction. I turned back to look at him.
Our eyes met, and I wish I hadn't - if only so I would not see the wariness in his eyes.
"I'm sorry," I said instead for whatever it was that I was to be sorry for.
Silence followed after that.
"How have you been?" I say, intending to keep the conversation going.
"Fine," he answered timidly.
"I'm glad. How's school?"
"Okay."
"Have you been eating well? You do not eat when you’re busy so I was worried about you."
And it was as if a switch clicked in his brain, his eyes ever so visibly relaxing under my gaze.
"I-I can manage," he stammers a shy reply.
He was probably taken aback that I still remember the minute details of him that no one else can. And it brought me back to the times when it was the other way around.
He would ask me if I had already eaten and when; and if I hadn't, then he'd force me to eat with him. He would always have saltine crackers or some sort of packed goods his mother made.
Before, I didn't pay any heed. But now, my stomach mourns the loss of the habit. I find myself keeping the same brand of crackers just in case.
Just in case he comes back to me.
Just in case we see each other again -
and perhaps he had not eaten and it would be my turn to offer him one now.
"I missed you," I cut off my thoughts.
Silence.
"I missed you, too," he says after some time.
He looks at me.
Looks at me softly, then deeply as if there was so much that he wanted to say in too little time.
He is lost in my eyes the same way I had lost him in my life, lost in the memories of our past just as much as I am.
"You barely called..." I whisper, my voice carrying a bite.
His silence was more of an answer than any word he could muster.
"Well..." Hoon started, but he would not be able to speak more.
I smiled a bittersweet smile, knowing him like the back of my hand.
"I know," I said instead.
"Huh?"
"School?"
He cleared his throat. "Yeah. That, and a lot of things."
"Yeah, I heard. I also heard you have a lot of friends now. I see your IG posts… you go to a lot of places," I mumble.
"Yeah, yeah. They are kinda all over the place," he agrees and looks down on his hands, picking on his fingers like he'd want the interrogative small talk to end.
"I'm glad," I say.
"Hmm?"
"Glad you have friends, I mean."
He turned to me with an incredulous look. "What - you mean I can't?"
I laughed heartily.
"I mean you usually keep to yourself. Snobber."
He laughed alongside me.
"Not anymore."
"For real?"
"Yeah. I try to be better," he responded. "Making connections... keeping them, too."
Silence.
"And us?" I whisper. "Our connection, I mean."
Silence ensues.
"I… I don't know, Sunoo..." Hoon whispers. The estranged yells of drunk partygoers behind them distracted him for a bit.
I closed my eyes to hold back incoming tears. I sighed to restore my breathing pattern, hoping that Hoon didn't notice the ghost of a sob in my breath.
"I am not going to fight you over this," I whispered, feeling the wind against my cheek.
"I know..." he whispered.
I scoffed.
"Of course, you do-"
"Because you're like that."
I turned to him.
"Like what?"
"Hmm," he hums in thought. "...Peaceful."
More silence ensues.
A gust of wind blew and I could feel goosebumps beneath the wool sweater that I wore for the party. I shivered involuntarily.
"Are you cold?"
"No," I deny.
"You're cold," he insists.
"I'm not," I turned to glare at him but he was already in the middle of removing his jacket. He hung it over my shoulder and proceeded to close the button in the midsection so as to futher encapsulate me in his warmth. But all that I can think of was the scent of home that I claimed to be all mine once upon a long time ago.
"Hoon," I whispered painfully.
"Yeah?"
"Stop that…"
He pauses.
"Where did we go wrong?" I thought, unbeknownst that I vocalized every word.
"I… don't know," he turned away.
"… what did I do wrong, then?” I scooted closer to find his gaze.
He turned to me frantically.
"What? No it's not -"
"-not me. Yeah. I thought u hated cliches, Hoonie," I say with a chuckle.
"Not funny," he grumbled and turned away. He rested his arm on the bench and the other behind my shoulder - an instinctual position of his when we sat beside each other.
"Sorry, just easing the mood. And," I leaned on his arm. "It's been a long time since I talked to you this long."
"Yeah… I miss it," he confessed.
"I miss us."
A pause.
"I was at a point where I needed someone, and you were there," Hoon started, his eyes trailing to the horizon in a daze.
"Hmm?"
"I think that's the most logical way to put it," he says and looks down to meet my eyes.
"U make me sound like a scapegoat."
He scoffed. "You're not. Please don't say that."
"Ok."
"Okay..."
"But… I don't know," I stammered. "I don't know Hoon. I miss you. Don't you know how it feels to suddenly be abandoned like that?"
"I know-"
"No, you don"t."
"I… you're right. I don't. And I'm sorry…"
"I know you are," I said. "I can feel it, at least."
He continued.
"It's just - there was so much pressure from the school. And my parents were not very forgiving of our relationship. Lolo and Lola hated me. College entrance exams were stressing me out and you had to study too and then you had to run for Org elections…. I was overwhelmed…After leaving this place I felt free. I met new people. Found friendships…"
He trailed off.
"And?" I prodded.
"And I felt like that version of me who would have wanted to stay here - died."
There was only the noise of the city that filled the silence, but our eyes spoke more than our words could ever convey.
"I… understand," I said and squeezed his arm reassuringly.
"I'm sorry, Sunoo."
"No, please. I'm just - I'm just glad… that we cleared that up."
"Yeah… me too," he says looking into my eyes, fishing for any emotions that I did not allow to escape.
"Have you ever thought of me hoon?" I asked, a glimmer of hope.
"Of course."
"Do you still love me, Hoon?"
He didn't answer. The glimmer of hope died just as it began to blossom.
I smiled bittersweetly and reached for my glass of Blue Margarita. But my mind was too irrational at the moment, hence my hands were too clumsy.
My shirt is ruined.
He offered to bring me up to his condo, which was the building right across from where the club was at. I wanted to decline, not wanting to intrude more in his life. Wanting to end everything right then and there, but he insisted.
And you can judge me all you want, but a part of me wanted to know if there was a chance. Even just a slight chance - that something more would happen.
I was with him in the elevator and I could not keep my breath still. The same condo I went to and fro every night we played Mario Cart or anything else.
The staff at the reception still knew me by name.
The hallways were decorated exactly the same.
The code to his lock is still my birthday.
He unlocked the door.
I came in and harkened to the scent of memories and love that was lost.
He went into his walk-in closet before he ushered me to the restroom with a change of clothes.
Inside the restroom, everything was the same. It seemed that he had not come home to this condo since the last time we met. And the things were just as it had once been.
I collapsed and sat on the floor.
I smelled the shirt, his smell, and cried. Silently sobbing and biting my lip to shut me up.
Everything was the same.
My shampoo and body wash were still nestled beside his.
Two toothbrushes in a glass by the mirror: one blue and one purple.
My facewash, his favorite aftershave, his perfume that we liked to share -
It was all the same.
"Sunoo?" He yelled from outside the door.
I closed my eyes and wished for myself to disappear. I held my breath so he could not hear me sob.
"Sunoo! Are you ok?!"
Not a second later the sound of keys and the door opening hit my ears. My shoulder was pulled towards a hard chest and arms that enveloped me in a tight hug.
Even the feeling was the same. Perpetually warm just like he ever was.
"Im sorry… i… i tried to…. But… it just…" I sobbed into his arms as words of apologies poured out of my lips.
"Shhh I'm sorry baby I'm sorry…. Please stop crying."
"I'm so sorry hoon - can't stop crying." I hiccuped and tried to catch my breath. I tried to push him away to catch some air but he pulled me back tighter.
"I'm sorry baby," a kiss to my forehead. "Please stop crying," Another on my temple. "Please?" And lastly on my lips.
Sob and wail.
"It's just… everything is exactly how you… we left it and I… I just couldn't take it…"
"I know baby… im sorry… im sorry…"
"I missed you so much. You don't know, you’ll never know…. I tried to hate you when I saw you earlier. But I just…" I hit him halfheartedly on his chest.
"Please stop, baby… I hate seeing you like this," he left another kiss on my forehead.
My eyes closed in their own accord.
"I love you, Hoon. Come back to me, please. Come back, baby."
"I can't.. I'm sorry. I'm not ready, Sun. It would be unfair. To you, to me, to everything I've been working hard for."
I bit my lip and hit him harder on his chest.
"But it's so unfair… You can't just leave me like this, Hoon," I wailed as I gripped the fabric of his shirt beneath my palm.
"Baby, please..." he whispers in consolation. Our eyes met, and it was as if the puzzle pieces coming together.
And then we kissed.
And then Hoon carried me to bed.
And then we fucked.
But it was all for naught. And I wouldn't want to remember each second of it for the rest of my life.
After it was done, we both slept. Or so one might think.
I was wide awake. The sound of honking from late-night taxis taking home clubgoers, the sound of neighbors, of the wind that blew past the curtains -
In my mind, this was the goodbye that I was looking for. The closure that I was yearning for.
The sheer memory of what I had become a few hours ago will forever be engraved in my brain. Pathetic. Stupid. Good-for-nothing, dick-riding, faggot. Begging for someone who does not love me anymore. How low did I stoop and how much lower will I dig my grave the more I crave for Hoon's love?
I sat up and settled at the edge of the bed. I watched Hoon's room: his vision board of goals and ideas, picture frames that had accumulated through the years courtesy of me, the PS5 that I gave him for his birthday, a collection of comic books so he could catch up to the Marvel Universe lore - there was so much of me and so much of him shared in each of our worlds. I don't think I could ever forget. I will be getting over him my whole life.
I turned to Hoon's sleeping form. A tear fell on my cheek. I let it fall.
I leaned in to gently leave a kiss on his forehead, his thick eyebrow twitching ever so slightly from the contact. He lulls back to a deep slumber, like the heavy sleeper that he is.
Like clockwork, I turned on the diffuser, still finding the lavender scent that he liked in the drawers. I closed the blackout curtains so he'd have more time to sleep when morning came, and lowered the temperature in the A/C since I know that's how he liked it.
I trailed silent steps through the short foyer towards the door.
I paused.
I breathed in the scent one last time for the rest of my lifetime and held my breath for a few more seconds so that it would be engraved in my memory forever.
I opened the door, closed it behind me, and ran to the elevators.
"Taxi!" I called out to one that was on standby. The driver nods and opens the door from the inside.
The night was ripe, and the breeze was colder than I thought. But my intention to leave kept me going.
I was about to step in when I heard someone calling my name.
"Sunoo!"
No, please. No, no, no.
I turned around and behold - Hoon was dressed in nothing but his pajama pants, holding what seemed to be a woolen jacket.
He was running towards me, his hair flailing around from the wind, and his bare torso presented with strained muscles as he heaved a breath upon reaching where I stood.
He hugged me tight, just as he stopped in front of me. So tight that I thought I could not breathe. So tight that I thought he might not let go. I allowed myself to melt into his arms for a few moments if only to immortalize the farewell.
However, this was not right. I have reached my consensus.
I gently pushed him back.
"Hoon..." I trailed off and looked at his eyes, almost reprimandingly. Telling him to stop.
"Sunoo..."
And it was just that. A few moments of thoughts shared and words unspoken, only to be understood by us, of contemplations to be found in a pocket of the universe farther than what others could reach. Only by us. Just us.
That pocket of the universe will soon be hidden from the world forever.
Hoon sighs and cloaks the jacket around me, zipping up and encapsulating me in his warmth and his scent.
"It's cold..." he heaves a breath. "Jacket..." pertaining to me.
Silence.
Hoon looked for my gaze, but what stared back at him was one of deference and insouciance.
With one move, I tiptoed and reached up to kiss his cheek, and gifted him a short smile.
"Sunoo..." he called, but I could hear it no longer as I closed the car door of the taxi.
I quickly told the driver my destination. From the rearview mirror, I watched as Hoon watched the car drive farther and farther into the distance, his standing figure getting smaller and smaller by the second.
"S'that your boyfriend, sir?"
I didn't answer.
"Seems like he loves you very much."
I hum a response out of courtesy, as I raised the jacket's hem to cover my face and cover the tears that fell into oblivion.