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he didnt really like hiding out in his friends place, but whatever. it was shelter and radford was chill with it. he just.. maybe he was scared of being found out, maybe he was just nervous of the reaction of radford's parents. living on the streets or seeking shelter somewhere else sounded awful, and he didnt know anyone else that he considered friends.
for now, he'd just been camping out in radfords closet. it wasnt too bad, but super fucking cramped at times with all these boxes of movies CD's. not to mention, lots of shirts about movies. atleast he had some room to have his plushies.
..okay fuck, hes 15 and he has two plushies. whatever. thats not childish. its just.. he didnt want to leave them when running away. ugh. he couldnt have, he'd feel awful. one was this golden retriever that he named rocky, and the other was this great white shark he had named bazoo. he kind of wished he had a unicorn plush, that would be cool.
if only mom didnt try to twist it on me that unicorns are "girly". ugh.
he felt his shoulders jerk a bit, he didnt like thinking of his mom. she wasnt nice.
she was the reason i ran away anyways.
other than that, living situation wise, it was kinda messy. kevin had to slip through the late hours of the night night just to get showers, and he had to continuously share clothes with radford. also, not to mention, this guy was part of a family of 4 (not including radford himself). though, his parents seemed to be out periodically, taking rad's little brother, robert, along with them. it was.. more so robin, radfords sister, who he had to worry about.
she seemed.. on high alert from what radford described, which didnt sound good in kevins case. he just hoped he lucked out and wasnt found by her. hes lucky as hell those two dont share a room.
more on the closet, it was boring to be in here. atleast he could whisper with radford when it was nighttime.
eating also sucked, because radford would need to sneak up from time to time to give kevin leftovers. ugh. he could survive without eating, he doesnt like eating a lot anyway. what he didnt like, was having no one to talk to. like, in school, he doesnt have a lot of friends, but he could atleast find the bare minimum of conversation to keep him calm. one person, every few nights, was not enough, especially with no other form of entertainment.
it had been only like, a few weeks, and he was getting closer and closer to absolutely losing it.
whatever. atleast he had stuff to sleep on. it was late anyway, radford should be here soon.
..
a small knock on the closet, and he cant help but light up, he just.. theres something about radford. maybe its because this is the only person hes talked to for weeks on end, but hell, he just gets this.. weird fuzzy feeling.
"kevs?"
"im awake." his voice is always raspy, almost groggy, but due to the limited usage, he sounds much more like a guy. (even then, hes lucky to not have a normally feminine voice.)
"do you wanna. um. come out?"
kevin gently pushed open the door, sitting up and crawling out to stand. once in an upright position, he cracked his back and stretched his arms, groaning from how bad his muscles hurt from the tight space.
he heard a small giggle from radford, and he peeked an eye to look at him. kevin was a bit taller, which was ..reassuring to notice. radford was (likely) cis, so it always boosted his ego to see the height difference. it wasnt super dramatic, but radford only went to his eyebrows.
"whats so funny?" he mumbled, slouching after cracking his elbow.
"mm.. nothing, just, your hairs.. a total mess."
kevin rolled his eyes, scoffing. he gently nudged him in the side before going over to radfords bed and sitting down.
"im sorry that you cant sleep on there every night." radford said, joining him.
"eh, youre fine."
"mm. still, i bet its awful in the closet." he mumbled, tapping his fingers against his knees.
".. it is. but its whatever." kevin impulsively started cracking his knuckles over and over. he was.. super anxious. he didnt even understand why he got all antsy being with radford. it wasnt like, fear or anything, just..
hes super nice to look at. hes. fuck, hes handsome. hes silly, hes nice, he understands what kevin is saying and he actually fucking listens. in return, kevin listens back. kevin would let radford go on for hours if they had the time. kevin fucking hates people touching him, but maybe he'd let them hug. maybe.
..this all sounds weird.
no one would love him like this, he isnt even a real guy. and hell, he didnt even know if rad was gay or whatever.
just in his fleeting crushes in the past, he himself didnt.. really mind. he never even remembered caring about liking people because of gender. he didnt know what that would be called, or if there was even a term for that, but radford might not be okay with it. he didnt know. maybe, to him, it still meant kevin liked guys, and that was seen as wrong. fuck, that would cause a rift. maybe radford would kick him out.
"wanna lay down?" radford asked, gently adjusting his glasses.
"sure."
..
it was weird, being so pressed against someone. it was manageable at least, but his skin felt gross and tingly. not even in a good way, he just didnt like people touching against him.
radford set a blanket on top of the both of them. it was better now, he felt warm now.
his breathing was annoyingly labored, and he kept fidgeting with his hands and rolling his ankles against the mattress, desperate to find some stimulation in moving his body.
radford kept quiet about it, not even bothering to ask about kevins mannerisms.
he also kept zoning out a bit, letting his brain melt before radford spoke up about things every now and then. what annoyed the fuck out of him though, was that kevin would have to ask rad to repeat himself sometimes. his ears just wouldnt fucking work, and it was even more annoying because it was daily. the words blurred together and most times he wouldnt even hear what was repeated.
kevin didnt really get why, but sometimes his ears would just mess him all up and he just.. couldnt hear right. it got even worse when people would snap for him asking to repeat themselves. ugh.
radford didnt snap.
"..what was that?" kevin mumured, tilting his head, only to be suprised by radford also looking at him.
"..do you think its a bit weird?" he whispered, and maybe kevin imagined it, but he moved a bit closer, their arms right against eachother, almost overlapping.
"whats weird?"
"..this. we're both guys, yknow." radford had this little.. tone in his voice. like he was trying to imply something further. or whatever. kevin couldnt tell what it was.
".. yeah. do you have a problem with it?" maybe it was a bit harsh, but he felt a little irritated at the idea of radford being a little bitch about them laying together. not because of boundaries or anything, but just because they were guys.
"..not really. uhm. do you?"
"nah not at all. i even uh-.. nevermind." fuck, kevin didnt really want to tell radford that he kinda liked this.. ugh.. did he.. like radford? maybe he did.
fuck.
"you can tell me. its just us."
kevin gripped the bottom of his shirt. mhh. radfords shirt.
"...what do you think kissings like?"
"..eh, dont know, ive only done it like.. once. and with like. family, yknow? like, i kiss my mom and stuff. its just family affection and all.. like, hugging for example." radford explained, shrugging.
"mm. my moms never.. kissed me. and, your mom.. hugs you?"
"... yes? wh- have you never gotten a hug from your mom?" radfords voice rose a bit, and through the dark room, kevin could slightly make out the confused and.. concerned expression.
"..uhm- not recently. its been a while."
"thats awful." radford murmured, looking away.
"..is it? she doesnt really.. like me- oh! wait, s-shit- uhm- sorry i shouldnt.. i shouldnt have said that, sorry."
radford just.. looked at him. kevin always thought it wasnt really normal, that his own mother didnt like him, but maybe he shouldnt be so suprised that he was completely correct. radford looked mortified, maybe even on the brink of tears.
"im glad you're here with me then. a mom shouldnt be like that."
"i understand." kevin didnt like that he said that, he should've kept that in. he doesnt like telling people about his mom anyways. he doesnt think hes even told anyone before.
the silence was awkward. but eventually, radford piped up again.
"about uh. the question. again, i did kiss someone like, once, but it wasnt special or anything. probably like 5th or 6th grade."
"i see."
..
"have you kissed someone?"
the question shocked kevin that he couldnt help but look back at radford, very startled.
"oh- uh- no pressure or anything!" radford stammered.
"..no"
radford tilted his head.
"i havent kissed before." kevin said, albeit quietly. he didnt like admitting that, but he felt like he could trust radford.
..
"we could.. try if you want-- wait thats weird! fuck-- sorry!"
kevin stared at radford, his eyes going wide. suddenly, he started to.. feel dizzy and warm. the blonde guy kept mumbling apologies and he desperately tried shuffling away from kevin, despite the confined space of the bed that kept them close.
"...i-i wouldnt mind. " it completely slipped out, and ugh, fuck maybe he shouldn't have said that either-
radford calmed down almost immediately, but his breathing was.. definitely labored. "really?" he exclaimed, a rather excited look on his face. "i m-mean- we're both guys. isnt that weird? or like- what about school- and stuff. we'd be made fun of, right?"
"not if its a secret." kevin mumbled.
"..true. i just- sorry. i have a..big social group. it just, worried me a little."
"i know. i wouldnt like, snitch on you though. uh- other than that.. just.. in general, wouldnt it be like.. nice to experiment? does that make sense?"
radford blinked at him, a blush settling down on his face, creeping to his neck.
"yeah."
..
radford cleared his throat, adding on to his response. "you know um. i cant really tell if i like girls or guys. i mean, i think i dont really mind, but i think itd be nice if we kissed. just.. for experimenting. yeah."
"yeah?" by this point, only a couple inches seperating them, both of them looking deep into eachothers eyes.
"yeah."
"..i dont really know how to.. technically kiss." radford muttered, looking away and fiddling with his hands.
"me neither." kevin inched just a little closer. he started to crack his knuckles nervously, then switching to tap his fist against his palm. fuck, he really liked radford.
"mmm.. quick question, would it be bad with my braces?" he inched ever so closer to kevin aswell, his and kevins nose's barely brushing.
"i dont really mind."
..
it was awkward as hell, and it seemed clear that neither of them knew where to put their hands. radford kept mumbling about various movies or cartoons he had watched, his logic was that this could help guide the two of them with kissing.
"ive seen people do it. like, i can even name movies and describe the scenes!! maybe that would help? like, yeah they.. theyre probably exaggerated but its okay!! we'll figure this out. this will work.... would it help if i described how it is in movies and shows and.. stuff like that?" he trailed off, looking away in embarrassment.
"maybe." he didnt mean to have such a simple response, but he was really distracted by the idea of kissing a guy. he absentmindedly brushed the back of his hand against radford's fingers. which prompted the blonde guy to grab his hand, nice and firm. though, albeit, it was kinda gross. both of their hands were clammy. whatever. atleast theyre sharing their anxiousness.
mmm. this was weird.
but.. in a good way. he didnt really like touch ever, but, right now it felt okay.
"..where do i put my hands?" kevins voice was lowered to a shaky whisper now.
"..like. uhhh. anywhere? i dont..know. mm. here, how about my shoulders?"
"you got it, rad."
the nickname made radford tilt his head, and kevin could see his wobbly smile and blush even in the dark.
"how about you?" radford asked.
shit.
touching people was ..okay but fuck, in reverse it always weirded him out. he didnt ever receive a lot of touch from m... he didnt get a lot of touch recently, and its not like he had a lot of touchy friends either.. he didnt really have friends at all. he always flinched when radford accidentally hugged him or touched his shoulder or high fived him. ugh. he didnt like that about himself. it was weird, but he got used to no one touching him at all.
what was nice is that radford atleast understood kevins boundaires. radford didnt touch him a lot anymore, especially when kevin expressed discomfort. he liked that.
he got to a slightly higher volume. "uhm.. i dont.. know. you can uh-" he looked at his hands, gently against radfords shoulders. "..you can hold my.. wrists? im sorry.. you know, its.. weird being touched. my hands are okay."
radford nodded, ever so slightly rubbing his fingers softly against kevins wrists.
they had close proximity, the only sounds being the shuffling of kevins legs, and him and rad's breathing. it was kinda nice. it was better. it was gonna be okay, it was awkward but he really liked radford.
kevin spoke first, swallowing thickly. "so uhm. do you wanna.. s-start?"
"do you?" radford questioned.
"yeah."
"okay. cool. me too."
more breathing.
"..how do we uh- do this?" kevin asked, moving a little closer.
"i dont know. should we wing it or like, i could explain the movie stuff?-" radford tilted his head a little, and shit, their lips just slightly brushed. radford went silent at the contact.
"..yeah." he was whispering again, too afraid to talk at a louder volume right now. he didnt even know what he was saying yeah to. radford probably didnt know either, but he didnt express any care in that.
"can i try first?" radford whispered, tightening his grip onto kevins wrists. kevin felt radford exhale, the warm air ever so softly tickling him on his own lips.
it was uncoordinated, kevin saw radford moving, closed his eyes and went forward to fast to where they knocked noses. both of them lowered their pained grunts, still mindful of the sleeping house that surrounded them.
"sorry." kevin whispered.
"youre good, no worries, kevs. here uhh. just, let me kiss you first and then you move in last second... maybe that will work?"
kevs.
"got it."
they tried again, and it was a little better, though still really awkward. their lips were just.. pursed against eachothers. it was dry, and unsatisfying. this probably wasnt right.
it only lasted a few seconds, yet kevin pulled away, breathing heavily. he was flustered even if it was unsatisfying.
radford blinked at him, and then squinted.
"that didnt.. feel right. can we try again?"
kevin could feel his face heat up.
"yeah. of c-course." fuck, and now he was all giddy. he felt all excited, like his whole body was humming like.. pop rocks. to be honest, he could run all around the room for hours right now and not tire.
"here maybe uh- tilt your face?" radford suggested.
"okay."
".. and like. breathe, please. youre straining." he pointed out, chuckling.
kevin let out a deep exhale, looking away.
"sorry, ugh. im just.. really .. nervous and happy and excited? i dont know.."
".. nah i get it. dont worry."
this was better, probably the best out of all of them. their lips actually seemed to.. like.. fit better. it felt.. good.
neither of the two seemed to know how to continue it, so they kind of just stayed there until the lack of oxygen got discomforting.
"...i think i like guys" radford blurted, staring wide eyed at kevin.
"y-yeah. mm. shit." he mumbled. this was weird. not like he wanted to stop. yknow, maybe weird is a bad word. it was new.
"..can we- mm." radford twiddled with his thumbs, looking away.
"hm?"
"..can we uhm. kiss? like again? you dont have to say yes- i just- really liked it and uhm-"
kevin didnt know why, but he impulsively just.. grabbed the guys face, looking him in the eyes. radford still loosely hung onto kevins wrists, locking his fingers only a smidge tighter.
kevin, in general, wasnt too fond of eye contact, it just.. wasnt what he liked doing, but he could hold it up if necessary. radford instead, seemed to alternate where he was looking. his eyes would trail from kevins jaw, to collarbone, and to his eyes for a split second.
"..we can."
radford then suggested that kev should lick his lips a bit. he also decided to ramble on about other things about kissing, but eventually they chose to keep it how they were doing. (after all, kissing was new to both of them and.. they didnt really wanna like.. make out. they were young.) either way, the next kisses were like, more.. passionate? they just kept it going, spurring eachother on with the overflow of fuzzy feelings. he felt like, lightheaded and floaty.
after a bunch of kisses, (kevin wasnt keeping count, too jittery to bother numbering it up.) radford pulled away, looking at kevin with a dazed expression.
"..why are we doing this?" he asked.
kevin was now confused. "..do you wanna stop?"
"not really. just.. like.. what are we now?"
"well, what do you want us to be?"
there was a good silence, and radford tilted his head.
"...is it wrong to want to be like.. together together?"
"no."
"then tell me what you want, kevs."
he narrowed his eyes at that. this nickname would be a habit. not like he minded.
"i wanna try this out. like, a relationship. i-is that okay?"
"yeah. of course."
"okay."
they stayed up for hours after, eventually sneaking out to get snacks and then whisper to eachother again. and then try kissing again some more. kevin then moved too fast again and managed to cut his lip on rad's braces. ugh. whatever, radford comforted him about it.
they fell asleep, clumsily next to eachother. kevin didnt wanna cuddle, and rad respected that. for just slight comfort purposes, kevin decided to rest his ear on rad's chest. though, it was an awful choice because now he could hear and feel each breath radford took, and then he could also hear the soft, rythmic beat of his heart.
he started memorizing radford's breathing, paying close attention to the specific pattern.
radford didnt exactly snore, but there was a low breath that scratched his throat ever so gently. it was like white noise to his ears, honestly.
kevin eventually fell asleep to what he considered, the better version of white noise.