Archive of Our Own ^beta

David’s entire body felt cold and heavy as he woke up. He could feel a pain radiating from his abdomen, one that he didn’t remember the cause of. One that didn’t seem like it could be caused by caving. It was only as that thought crossed his mind that David took in his surroundings. The fading posters on the wall, the animal friends calendar his mom had gotten him, the half built lego robot on the desk. He was in his childhood bedroom.

But that was impossible.

He hadn’t been in his childhood bedroom in years . Not since his mom died and he had to clean out the house. But here he was, the familiar dinosaur sheets on his bed and the space themed blanket tucked around him. It didn’t do anything to stop the cold, of course, but he could feel it anyway. 

He knew it couldn’t be real, couldn’t be true, but he called out anyway. “Mom?”

“Just a second!”

Tears sprung to his eyes almost immediately. It had been so long since he’d heard her voice, especially sounding as lively as this. The last time he heard her voice, it was a horse whisper of an ‘I love you’ before she was finally gone. The voice that called out to him was bright, full of life the way it had been when he was a kid. The way it had been in the caves.

“There you are, darling boy. I didn’t expect you to be awake so soon, soup is almost done–”

“Where are we, mom?” He had to ask. He had to know . Because this wasn’t right, he knew it wasn’t right, and if he didn’t find out soon–

His mom’s hand cupped his face, stopping all of his thoughts in their tracks. “Oh, David. I’ll answer that in a little bit, alright? Do you think you feel well enough to get up and come to the kitchen with me?”

The pain was still radiating from his abdomen, but it didn’t feel right either. He knew the pain was there, but it didn’t feel as debilitating as it should be given how deep in his gut it went. “I… I think I can get up. You’ll answer my questions? For real?”

“I promise.” 

They made their way down the hall to the kitchen, his mom holding his hand the whole way like she was afraid to let him go. David took a seat at the table– his seat, the one he always sat in when it was just the two of them. He liked to be able to see out the kitchen window and his mom always let him. Always. Nichole, for her part, went back to the stove, stirring the pot of soup before letting out a pleased sound and turning the hob off. “Tomato soup, your favorite. Made from scratch and everything.”

They sat in silence for a moment, David eating his soup and noticing the way that the heat of it didn’t seem to make him feel any warmer. His mom, for her part, was looking at him sadly; it was like she was studying him, trying to remember what he looked like.

“So you had questions.”

“Did you think I wouldn’t?” David snarked, rewarded with the sound of his mother’s laughter. He had missed that sound; he didn’t even realize how much until he heard it again. “Where are we, mom?”

Nichole sighed, looking away from David before answering. “We’re… In between right now.”

“In between?”

“Yeah.”

He knew there was more she wasn’t telling him. “In between what , mom?”

“Life and death,” Nichole whispered. “You… You got stabbed, David. Your friend Matt was trying to– I don’t even know what he was trying to do, but you got stabbed in the process.”

“Matt… Stabbed me?” The pain in his stomach seemed to pulse as the thought entered his mind. It didn’t feel right, it couldn’t possibly have been right, and yet why else would he feel so cold? His mom was there, making him soup, and he was so cold . “It was an accident, right? Please tell me it was an accident, I–”

“Easy, sweetie, easy,” his mom said, reaching across the table to grab his hand. Three short squeezes followed; I love you . Once his breathing was back under control, he squeezed back four times; I love you too . “I didn’t see everything, but it looked like an accident. He was so broken up when he realized what he did, I…” Nichole trailed off, looking away from David again but still holding onto his hand like a lifeline. “I have very mixed feelings about that boy.”

David snorted. “Join the club.”

His mom squeezed his hand again. “It wasn’t always mixed feelings for you, though, was it?”

“No,” he admitted softly. “No it wasn’t. Mom, I’m… God, I can’t believe I’m doing this now , when we’re both dead –” David cut himself off, taking a deep breath that he wasn’t sure even did anything. “I’m gay, mom.”

“Thank you for telling me, David,” she said, getting up from her seat and pulling him into a tight hug. “I’m so proud of you. I’m so proud of who you’ve become and that’s always going to be true. Always.”

And the tears were back. 

Those, like the pain, felt slightly off. David could only assume it was because they were currently in a space between life and death, waiting for… David didn’t even know what they were waiting for. He pulled away from his mom, not forcefully, but she seemed to understand that the time for questions had returned as she took her seat again. He reached out to her, though, making sure that he could still hold her hand in case this was the last time he ever got to.

“Why am I here?”

“You were stabbed, David. But you’re… You’re not dead yet. It’s a close thing, don’t get me wrong, but… But you’re not dead yet. I’m here to offer you a choice.”

“A choice.”

“You’ve always been a fighter, David,” Nichole said, her eyes brimming with tears that matched David’s own. “Always. When things got rough with your dad, when it was just you and me, when you moved out, when I died… You’ve always been a fighter. You’ve always been able to survive and thrive and I’m so proud of you for being so strong for so long. I’m so sorry you had to be so strong for so long.”

His mom trailed off, looking up at the ceiling for a moment like she was praying. David knew she wasn’t– she’d never been the praying sort. But still, her eyes lingered upward like she was communing with something . He squeezed her hand again. “It’s okay mom. It’s like I told you before, I was a little emotionally banged up but I’m okay. We’re okay.”

She smiled at him, slightly undercut by the tears that were starting to stream down her face more heavily. “My sweet baby boy. Always taking care of others, even when you should be taking care of yourself. You have a choice, David. You can keep fighting, keep being strong, and go back. Go back to Matt and the stab wound and whatever comes next in that life. Or… Or you can stay here with me. We can talk about everything I missed since I’ve been gone and explore caves together and make up for all the time we lost to everything that happened in life.”

Deep in his gut, David knew that this was what the choice was going to be. He’d read enough books to see where this was going, and even still hearing it laid out so plainly shocked him to the core. “I can go back?”

“You can,” Nichole said, wiping away tears. “I don’t want to sway you one way or the other–”

David cut her off. “Be honest with me, mom. Please.”

“I would love to spend more time with you, sweetie, but I think you should go back. You’re so young, you have so much life ahead of you… I know you’ve been strong for far too long. I know that it might be easier to rest, to stop fighting, to let go of the person who hurt you but David… You’ve always been a fighter. And whether or not he deserves you fighting for him, you at least deserve to live. Forgive him, don’t, god knows I could never forgive Matt for stabbing you, but if you live… If you go back… It will be hard, David. Life always is. But I don’t think it’s your time to die yet baby boy.”

David thought for sure that his mom was going to tell him to stay. He thought she’d beg him to stay, to not go back to the pain in his abdomen and the man who stabbed him. But here she was, telling him exactly what he wanted to hear. He wanted to hear that he should go back, that he should live, that he should try .

So why did it feel so wrong?

“I’m scared, momma,” he whispered. “I’m scared that things are broken beyond repair and that I’m not going to be okay again. I’ve been strong for so long, what if I can’t do that anymore?”

“Come here baby,” Nichole said, pulling David into her lap like she used to when he was a kid. “You can do anything you put your mind to. That’s always been true, even now. If you want to go back, I know you’ll be able to make it through. I know in my heart of hearts you’ll be okay. But if you’re tired, David, you can stay. You don’t have to be strong, not for me, not for anyone else. Do what feels right to you . And I’ll support you 100% of the way.”

David thought about his days in the caves with his mom. He thought about the feeling of her hand in his as she guided him into spots to hear cave music. He thought about the pride on her face when he was able to find the spots on his own. Those moments with his mom would live with him forever– even if the caves looked different now. Even if Matt had–

He didn’t know. He still shouldn’t have, but he didn’t know. 

“No matter how you feel about him, baby, you can make the choice to live. You don’t have to live for him , just live for you .”

Matt had looked so happy when David showed up to fix his door. He looked like he was finally ready to move forward before Ambrose showed up. If David had just listened… But would it really have mattered? He wasn’t sure, but he knew the love in his heart hadn’t faded, not entirely. And as much as he’d love for his mom to meet Matt, this isn’t how he wanted it to happen.

“You’ll be okay? Without me?” He felt selfish for asking that, but he needed to. There was nothing he needed more than knowing his mom was okay.

Nichole kissed him on the forehead. “Of course I will, sweetheart. I’ve survived this long without you, haven’t I?”

“You always have a joke ready.” It felt like a lifetime ago that his mom had said that to him. In a way, it had been. “I love you mom. To the moon and back.”

“I love you too, David. I’ll see you again, I promise. But you better keep me waiting!”

His mom’s laughter was the last thing he heard ringing through his mind as the pain started to become less of a phantom ache and more of a real one. David forced his eyes open for a moment, seeing Matt above him, holding David close to his chest. He groaned, just a bit, but he didn’t think Matt heard him. Not when he heard who Matt was talking to. She had been his friend, too; of course he would recognize Emily’s voice.

“I can help.”