Work Text:
And so I cry sometimes
When I'm lying in bed
Just to get it all out
What's in my head
And I, I am feeling
A little peculiar
What's up? - 4 Non Blondes
She was tired of everything, of everyone. And she couldn't do anything about it.
She knew from the beginning what was like to get into the police department, into the job she had. But then, that didn't make it any easier.
Everyone was doubting her now, doubting the fact that she had seen Maddie before she knew she was kidnapped. Even Fin was doubtful of her, Fin the one who was supposed to be her friend, had been doubtful of her, of what she saw.
In moments like that, where she was so frustrated, she wanted to quit. In times like that she wanted to give up everything she built up in her professional life -because her personal life was already a mess-.
That day she left the squadroom with a bittersweet taste in her mouth and a pain growing in her chest. And came home to no one, because Noah was in his friend's house.
She went towards her kitchen cabinet, where she kept a bottle of wine, which she always drank in moments like this one. She grabbed a glass, and after she finished pouring herself a coup, she went straight to the couch.
She turned in the TV, but by the time being, there was nothing interesting to watch. Right there, in that moment she left her mind drifting. Asking about the what-ifs of her life, about the opportunities she left because of the job she had chosen.
And there was no one else to blame for that, it was all because of her. The cancelled dates because the captain called her in, always putting the job first because hey, no one else could do it. And then it was Noah, who always came second too, because of the job.
And then she thought on the only person that maybe, maybe, could understand what she was feeling.
The next second, she was calling him, praying that he would answer her call.
“Hey Liv, what's up?” He answered right away, and she couldn't help but sob “Talk to me, please”
“I'm tired of it all” And then, the sobs became a crying, she was letting go of all of her sadness.
“I'm going to your place, there's no arguing” He simply stated, and then hung up the call.
She was still crying when she opened the door to let him in and he gave her a look “What's up?” He asked again while he hugged her.
“Nobody believes me” She said. And he didn't understand what she was talking about. “I saw the girl before the parents reported her missing but nobody believes me, Elliot” She continued to tell him ignoring his confused look.
She wasn't sure to tell him, that for the first time in twenty-five years, she wanted to give up her job and everything she built on it. Everything for a case, a case that made her doubt about every decision she's taken since she was a junior detective.
“And I'm doubting myself... Too” She said before she could help it “I'm doubting everything I've done in my whole life” And right there, in the turmoil of her mind, she starts counting her biggest regrets through her life.
“And why's that?” He asked her before sitting in her couch. He was starting to act like her shrink, and she didn't like it.
Before she answered his question, she poured two glasses of wine, one for her and another one for her partner.
“Because I feel I'm not enough. I'm not enough for the job, I'm not enough to be in a relationship. I'm not enough for anything” She sat in the couch next to him while she handled the other glass to him.
“You know that ain't true right?” He asked looking straight at her eyes, as he wanted her to feel seen.
She blushed. She didn't know if it was the wine, or if it was what he actually said, but she blushed.
She of course knew that her feelings were far from the true, but yet she couldn't believe it. She felt like a failure, like she failed everyone in her life.
She wanted to cry, she really did, but she couldn't. Not in front of him, not when she didn't want feel weak.
“I want to believe it, I really do” she said whispering.
But in a violent world like the one that they were living in, she didn't feel like she was making a difference at all. And all the effort and work that she had done felt useless.
And that was why she wanted to quit.
That was why she wanted to grab her pension and leave the unit to someone else, someone that in a near future ends up feeling like she was doing today. Someone that may end up feeling useless like she did.
And it felt so selfish of her, why on earth would she want to someone else feel like she did right now?
“Do you want me to stay for the night?” She heard him ask her, although she was absent from the conversation. She wanted to fight him. She wanted to tell him no, that he needed to sleep instead of being worried about her. But she was so tired to argue, and instead of it she simply nodded at him.