Chapter Text
"LAST DILL AND TESTAMENT"
-comes with a dill pickle and legally binding dread
“He looks…peaceful.”
Louise snorted at her sister's clunky attempt at comfort. She thought about trying to cover the sound with a cough, but she didn’t want people to think she was sobbing up there. Behind them half the town had shown up, likely just to kiss up to her, and she didn’t need any of those vultures thinking she was easy prey. She reached into the box and brushed an imaginary piece of dust off the man’s shoulder.
“Sure,” she acquiesced, “Let’s go with that.”
Calvin Fischoeder, wealthy and eccentric landlord of Ocean Avenue, owner of Wonder Wharf Amusement Park and affiliated properties, and all around shady businessman had finally died at the ripe old age of eighty-three. Despite all rumor to the contrary, he had not been poisoned, assassinated, hexed, or died in an orgy. No, rather his lifestyle of lazing about, drinking like a fish and smoking like a chimney had just finally caught up with him. It wasn’t the story people wanted to hear, and Louise had to admit she didn’t think Calvin would have liked the news either. Her husband had always had a flair for the dramatic.
Tina began, “You know mom wanted to be here, it’s just-”
“I know, T,” the younger woman assured, reaching out to touch her sister’s arm for the briefest moment. Their time to view the body was drawing to a close and she’d be expected to speak soon. “Dad still isn’t talking to me.”
“There’s no way he sticks with it now,” the elder Belcher reasoned, her voice still a respectful whisper. “Now that Calvin died, he can’t just keep ignoring you.”
“We’ll see,” Louise mused, finally nodding her head one last time and stepping away from the casket. It was a large, ornate reimaging of a Viking funeral ship and had taken ten carnies to lift. She imagined she could hear the pier groaning under its weight as she turned to face the funeral procession.
With her sister’s very unneeded assistance, Louise took to the podium that had been moved to the rear of the Wharf for today and cleared her throat into the mic. Everyone winced at the feedback. Wonder Wharf had been closed for the ceremony and in addition to nearly everyone that worked at the park, all employees of Family Funtime were present and almost all the residents of Ocean Avenue had come. Louise had no delusions that they were there to say a sincere farewell. They probably just wanted to make sure it was really him this time; the hoax three years prior had left a bad taste in their mouth.
“Uh, thanks everyone for coming,” she began, scanning the crowd for familiar faces. She saw Mickey and Yuli, a few of her old classmates, Teddy and Mort. Just lots of people. She wasn’t a nervous public speaker, but she’d never eulogized anyone before. She cleared her throat again. “Calvin would have been annoyed to see you all getting the day off.”
That sent a chuckle through the crowd and the atmosphere warmed a bit. Louise glanced over and Tina was right there, nodding encouragingly. “My husband wasn’t the most well liked man in this town, but he had a hand in literally everything so I think it’s safe to say he touched all our lives. Sometimes for the better, but usually not.”
Another chuckle and a choked sob somewhere from the back of the crowd. Louise thought she could see Ron comforting Hugo. “I know you’re all worried now about what’s going to happen to the Wharf and Ocean Avenue and all those places and things Calvin owned, but…I promise I’ll take care of you.”
It was what she had been wanting to say since the day she’d agreed to marry their landlord. That she would always keep her family and friends at the forefront of her mind and make sure they never had to worry or suffer again. Calvin Fischoeder had been shrewd and money hungry, but Louise Fischoeder had plans for them. Big plans. No more rent hikes, no more sudden evictions. She was going to repair and maintain the town, not plow it over for bigger, shinier things. Louise was going to fix everything her late husband had broken and then some.
“I promise I’ll take care of us and…you don’t have to worry,” she assured one more time, catching the eye of anyone who would allow her to. Gretchen, Marshmallow, Mike, Nat. They were all counting on her now and she wouldn’t let them down.
The crowd was silent for a beat and then there was the sound of a bottle shattering and a cheer from off near the ferris wheel. Critter, along with some other former members of the One-Eyed Snakes, were cheering for her and soon everyone else joined in. There was clapping and hollering and a cry of, “You go, Louise! That’s my best friend’s kid up there! She owns the town!”
Louise smiled at Teddy and gave an awkward wave before stepping down off the podium and turning to her sister again. Tina looked troubled, but she was clapping along with everyone else and pulled Louise into a hug once she was close enough. She called the eulogy perfect and said no one even noticed that she’d barely talked about Calvin and then she was ushering her away with an arm around her shoulder. The mic was open now for other people to speak and then some guys from Pickles were scheduled to perform, but a wealthy widow didn’t really need to stay for all that. She doubted anyone would say anything too nice and plus she had a lawyer to meet with.
The two young women hurried to the entrance of the amusement park where Louise had left her cart. Identical to Calvin’s in every way, except the license read ‘LILFSCH’, she had gotten into the habit of driving the silly thing everywhere just like her late husband. She hadn’t even bothered to get her actual license since the cart proved more convenient and cost effective anyhow. Tina grumbled her usual irritations about having to squeeze into the thing, but Louise only circled around to the drivers side, long black coat dragging behind her. She was just about to get in when a hand touched her shoulder.
“Louise?”
The young woman turned and immediately recognized the tear streaked face of Shelby Schnabel, famous sharpshooter and infamous homewrecker. Louise gasped and threw her arms around the woman not surprised at all when she felt the sobs starting to come. “Shelby! I didn’t think you’d make it in time.”
“I wouldn’t have missed it for all the trickshot trophies in the world,” she huffed, voice wet and wobbly. Shelby was late into her seventies now and had been a regular fixture in their lives not too long after Calvin and Louise had said their vows. She’d been like a kindly grandmother to Louise. One that was sleeping with her husband, but still. “I can’t believe he’s gone!”
Louise blinked rapidly, not wanting to get emotional after all the days of putting up a good front. She pulled away from Shelby, clearing her throat and shoving her hands deep inside her coat pockets. It was Calvin’s coat. She said, “You should’ve been the one to give the eulogy. You knew him better,”
“Just because you were fine with me being the other woman doesn’t mean anyone else would be, dear,” she sighed, brushing one skeletal finger under her eye. “I’m just glad we got the years that we did. I can’t ever thank you enough for that, Louise.”
The younger woman nodded, her words caught somewhere in her throat. Shelby huffed dramatically, primping and preening as she stood to her full height once more. She wore an absolutely devastating black gown beneath a fur coat that could not have been made with anything less than thirty minks. It made Louise’s satin suit seem tawdry, especially hidden under Calvin’s Gucci trench with its kaleidoscope of patterns.
“Are you staying for the burial?”
“Are they really going to light that thing on fire and send it into the harbor?”
“Open air cremations are illegal here,” Louise explained, though she gave a suggestive shrug and a wink. “I’m sure no amount of money could have convinced Mort otherwise.”
“Ah,” Shelby mused, a sad smile playing across her lips. She slipped a huge pair of sunglasses onto her face and began gliding back towards the park. “Maybe I will say one last goodbye before I go. I do hope we can stay in touch, Louise. I still need to teach you to shoot.”
“You’re my hero, Shelby!” the younger woman called after her, sliding into the go cart at last when she rounded the corner and was gone. Tina, who had been watching silently from her seat the whole time, gave her sister a meaningful look. “What?”
“Maybe if you told mom and dad your whole marriage was just a sham so Mister Fischoeder could finally be with Shelby they’d start talking to you again.”
Louise started up the cart and they jerked away from the curb, honking her little horn as they went. She grabbed her own sunglasses from the drink holder and popped them on. “What about sworn to secrecy do you not understand?”
Tina pretended to ponder, her monotone hum flapping on the wind behind them. “Maybe the part where you told me?”
“Sisters don’t count.”
Here were the facts:
When Louise Belcher had turned eighteen years old she had been approached by Calvin Fischoeder with a proposal of marriage. Calvin had made it very clear this would not be a traditional marriage, oh no. This was a ploy to finally attract his long lost love and notorious husband stealer, Shelby Schnabel. However, the sharpshooter would not be tricked by a simple skit again; they had to really commit. A real, legal marriage in the eyes of the law and a large blow out wedding that would be announced to the whole town and all surrounding areas. Shelby would be intrigued, Calvin would be waiting, and they’d carry out a passionate affair until she tired of him.
And Louise?
Louise would get all the benefits of being married to a moneyed mogul. Calvin had agreed, with almost desperate immediacy, to no prenup whatsoever. Louise Fischoeder, née Belcher, would have access and control over all funds, which would be shared, and would be named as co-owner of all properties and products under the Fischoeder name. She’d have money, power, prestige, and would never ever have to perform any ‘wifely duties’ as it were. Calvin only had eyes for Shelby and Louise was just a means to an end. The only caveat was that she was to tell no one of their arrangement. The whole world had to think theirs was a legit and loving marriage so that Shelby would believe it too.
To Louise the offer had sounded nearly too good to be true and she’d had to think about it for a week before giving her answer. During that week she had of course spilled the beans to Tina who she in turn had sworn to secrecy. Tina was the only one she had told about all her plans to help out the family. To slowly use her influence through Fischoeder to fix Bob's Burgers and turn it into the popular hot spot she knew it could be. It had been Tina’s idea to spread that wealth throughout the town. To pay the carnies more. To repair the schools and libraries. To lower the rent. Tina’s ideas for how she could really help everyone had been the deciding factor. Louise had accepted the proposal, and a pretty impressive ring, from Calvin and her father hadn’t spoken to her since.
Bob Belcher was pushing sixty, refusing to retire, and had taken the news of Louise getting engaged to Calvin Fischoeder about the way you’d expect someone to take the news that their eighteen year old daughter was planning to marry the seventy-nine year old man that had held them in a perpetual state of near poverty for two decades. He’d closed his newspaper, stood up from the breakfast table, and walked out of the room in stony silence. Linda Belcher, who had just been excited at the thought of a wedding, had assured her daughter she’d take care of everything, and hurried after her husband. Things didn’t improve much after that and Bob had refused to acknowledge his youngest daughter or attend her wedding.
That had been four years ago and now an end to the madness seemed on the horizon just as soon as Louise finished this meeting.
The two sisters jostled along in the golf cart, across town and to the impossibly long driveway of Fischoeder mansion. The gates were still open from the funeral procession earlier in the day and Louise cruised right through the way she had been for the last four years. It still felt odd, driving up to the huge house knowing she lived there. Odder still now knowing Calvin was nowhere inside. It would be sad and lonely and empty, but it wouldn’t be her problem for long.
“Let’s get this over with,” she sighed to her sister, dragging herself from the cart and up the front porch steps. Tina stepped lightly behind, a frequent guest who treated the house with far more reverence than it deserved. Inside Inga was waiting to take their coats, eyes pink and puffy from crying. Louise hugged her and gave her the next four days off before she headed for the parlor. She wouldn’t have much say over this place soon and she wanted to make sure the kindly woman got her time to grieve. In the parlor three people were waiting for them, none of whom were particularly pleased to see Louise.
“Made it back in one piece I see,” Felix Fischoeder announced as she entered the room. He was sprawled in a luxurious armchair he’d made one of the staff drag down from his tree house for exactly this encounter. He’d even had them light the fireplace. “Pity.”
“From your brother's funeral you mean,” Louise clarified, shrugging out of her husband's coat as she nodded a greeting to Fanny who barely glanced up from her phone. Her fingers tap-tap-tapped across the screen. “That you couldn’t even be bothered to show up to. Real classy.”
Tina shuffled in behind her sister and immediately her signature groan started to sound at its lowest decibel at the sight of the third person in the room. Louise looked at Grover Fischoeder the way she always did, which was to say out of the corner of her eye the way one would watch a particularly conniving house cat. Felix and Calvin’s cousin had gotten out of prison for good behavior a few months back and the two brothers had shockingly agreed to let him act as the family lawyer once more. Murder charges be damned! Louise had always thought Felix had played a heavy hand in that and had been exceedingly suspicious as to why right up to her husband’s death.
“Grover,” the young woman greeted, watching closely but covertly as he shuffled papers around on the coffee table. He still wore that obnoxious salmon suit from when she was a child and prison hadn’t done him any favors in the looks department. “Can we get this over with?”
Tina hadn’t taken a break to breathe through her groan and Fanny’s phone kept up a steady tap-tap-tap-tap.
“Ready when you are, Louise,” Grover chirped, taking the far too cool and casual tone he always used with her as if he hadn’t tried to murder them all the summer before Tina entered highschool. “Let’s get this show on the road!”
“Yes,” Felix agreed, “Let's finally end this charade so I can have papa’s money and this grubby little gold digger can finally be kicked out!”
Here were the facts:
Calvin Fischoeder had never confided in his high strung little brother the reasoning behind his marriage to Louise Belcher, but the younger man had always been suspicious of the arrangement. He’d convinced himself pretty immediately that Louise was just out to take the family fortune and start a bustling port town all her own. Felix had done everything in his power to break the ‘spell’ his big brother had been under and push Louise out of the house, but it had all been for not. Calvin, so wrapped up in his time with Shelby, hardly even noticed the way his sibling was constantly finding reasons to be in the big house. He attended every meal, every parlor game, every holiday event, every business meeting the two went to and spent the entirety of all of them scowling at his sister-in-law.
And Louise?
Louise had completely ignored or thwarted any and all attempts by Felix to ruin her marriage. She got new locks, new staff, new security systems and new safes for all their valuables to keep her brother-in-law in line. She stored her husband’s precious lion statue somewhere the grubby little man could never get his hands on it and she absolutely forbid Inga from sending laundry through the lines. She kept Felix so distracted he’d never even known Calvin was having an affair and that was how the married couple had liked it.
It had been fun in a way, their cat and mouse game, but now it was coming to an end. When it seemed Calvin was reaching the end of his life and his health only continued to deteriorate, he and Louise had talked. The former burger flipper had never been one for serious deathbed confessions, but she’d sworn to follow through with everything her husband had arranged. She would keep what was owed to her as a wife and nothing more, Felix would get the rest. It was only a fraction of the Fischoeder fortune, but it was enough to take care of her, her family, Shelby, and a few choice properties she had insisted be left in her name. Wonder Wharf and Ocean Avenue were hers, Felix could sink the rest for all she cared. She hadn’t even asked for the house.
“It’s all in my will,” Calvin had said, his face tinged an oxygen starved blue at that point, “You’ll see.”
“Like you said, Grover,” Louise assuaged, lowering herself onto the leather couch at the center of the room. She lounged like a lion, maybe for the last time, and felt her sister come to stand behind her. “Ready when you are.”
“Excellent!” the skinny man enthused, shuffling around a bit more before picking up a stamped and notarized manila envelope. He showed it around to all of them like a magician about to perform a trick. “This is Calvin’s last will and testament. As you can see it has not been opened or tampered with since his last viewing of it six months before his death at which point he was of sound mind.”
They all nodded and Louise barely fought back the urge to announce, “Nothing up my sleeve and no strings attached!”
“I was not Calvin’s lawyer at that point in time, but this was released into my possession upon news and proof of his death from his former lawyer, Tom Innocenti.”
After another confirming nod Grover carefully sliced open the envelope with a gold tipped letter opener that had been left on the desk. He was giving off the jittery energy of a child excited to open Christmas presents and Louise wondered just what exactly Felix had convinced Calvin to leave him in the will. Out of the envelope slid a solitary piece of paper and Grover picked it up with a skeptical look on his face. It wasn’t even two sides, the rest of them were all looking at a blank page as the man read and reread the apparently very short missive.
“W-w-w-w-well this is j-just…um…huh?” he stammered, long face looking ashen as he glanced over the paper at them. Louise glared, but sat up as she saw Felix lean in with interest also. Fanny finally paused tapping away on her phone. Tina’s groan had stopped.
Grover gulped and haltingly began to read the form aloud, “I, Calvin Fischoeder, being of sound mind and absolutely rockin’ body hereby bequeath the entirety of my estate including Wonder Wharf, affiliated properties, my manor and grounds, the leasing agreements along Ocean Avenue and all of my fortune in all of its forms to my wife, Louise Fischoeder.”