Chapter Text
My world is darkened, I can't see anything. My entire body shakes and jitters in pain, cuts decorating it, although no one can see them.
The ash around me seeps into my wounds, making them hurt more, and making them worse.
It's all falling apart. My plan, my life, is splitting apart at the seams. It's failed.
How could he do this to me? Why would he do this to me?
He saw me as a brother? How rich!
I have to keep going. I have to get stronger. I have to do to him the same thing that he did to me. I have to make him feel this pain.
It's only fair.
He deserves it.
[---]
I slowly opened my eyes to the dark room, the blaring clock next to my bed rudely awakening me. The wall against the right of my large bed is actually a floor-to-ceiling transparasteel viewport, the bright planet of Corosaunt shines in the scape through the large window, though at this view, it's only a plate sized circle, at most, with an odd pattern on it.
I moved my gaze from it, downwards, longingly gazing at the empty space next to me on the large bed.
It stays empty as I refused to use the other side, as if I'm preserving it for someone who will never be there.
The gap seemed to be laughing at me, mocking me of my mistakes, of my foolishness.
You don't know how good you have it until it's gone.
I turned back then slowly and groggily sat up on my mattress, putting my head in my hands, to sulk, and to try to wipe the tiredness from my face, sighing for an exaggerated amount of time, my lack of sleep was evident to anyone who could see me, which was, thankfully, no one.
Another nightmare tonight. I remembered from my sleep.
Eventually, I finally got up from the soft black comforter, it's made with the finest nabooien silks, and has an excessively high thread count. I suppose being a Sith Lord does have its perks. . . at times.
Focusing myself, I used the Force to press the light switch located in a memorized area across the room and force-grabbed my black robe from the floor. My sleeping pants black and baggy, complementing the robe as I put it on. It's not as though it matters anyway. I'm the only one who sees myself in this attire, I'm the only one I plan to.
Groggily walking into the 'fresher next to me, I rubbed my face and splashed it with water in an attempt to wake myself.
After I splashed myself, I brushed my teeth, shaved, and turned on the water for a shower. I undress, quickly walking into the warm shower, the walls surrounding it made of glass, making me look like in a cage, as if I'm a fish in a store or an animal in an aquarium, put there to ogle at. Or maybe just like what it was, a nice shower.
Putting my head under the water, I started to do all of the normal shower stuff, shampoo, conditioner, body wash, excreta.
When I washed my body I make sure to be careful about the permanent scars and burns that I have from Mustafar, not wanting to irritate or open any. They weren't healed yet from what occurred that day. I also mad sure to be careful of my robotic body parts, trying not to rust them or anything of the sort.
Just because it hasn't happened yet doesn't mean it's impossible.
It had been hard to adjust to my replacement for my left foot, but with time I eventually learned, the same way I did with my forearm when it was taken to me in the same way.
Getting out of the shower, I put on a robe and brushed through my hair. When I was done brushing it, I put it in a towel, making It dry faster. I then walk to my closet across my bedroom, get my boxers and a thick black robe to wear under my armor, then change into that, taking off the towel from my hair, hoping it'll fully dry while I'm dressing.
The thick clothing is comfortable in the cold space. It's warm, and it feels slightly like a hug, It's too bad the full armor isn't as comfortable, and that there's such. . . uncomfortable things I had to do in them.
It has to be done, though. By someone.
I reluctantly grab the armor from the top shelf of my closet. If I wanted and needed to, I would have had a walk-in closet, but I decided against it, knowing it would be useless.
The only possessions that I had as a Jedi were my lightsaber, robes, and R2. I didn't have any of those now. There are new things that I had, quite a few things to be specific. I guess that's something I liked more when I became a Sith.
While deep in thought, I subconsciously got my gear on, the muscle memory kicking in from many times doing the same thing every day for. . . who knows how long, I sure as bantha wasn't keeping track.
I walked in front of the full-length mirror in my bedroom, located in the space between the door to enter the rest of the apartment and the wall that has the bed against it as well as the 'fresher door.
I grabbed the metal contraption from off of the floor next to the mirror, a face mask, of sorts. It covers my mouth and nose, having a weird design on it. There's a large, protruding triangle in the center of the mouth, only the outline of it bumping out.
The mask was specially designed to heal my lungs and keep them safe. They have a bit of bacta in them, making it so when I breath in, my lungs will slowly get better.
Mustafar damaged my lungs severely because of how much ash I inhaled. The mask was designed specially to nurse myself back to health.
The mask also doubled as a way to hide my identity. Since I was such an iconic knight of the Jedi order during the Clone Wars, people would recognize me, even with the yellow eyes.
This is all disappointing to my Master. He didn't want me to heal for whatever reason. He doesn't want me to know, but I could feel his anger at me originally getting it, it was coming off of him in waves. Even though he attempted to hiding his emotions and thoughts from me, he isn't powerful enough, and he doesn't try as hard as he did during the Clones Wars anymore.
I observed how I look. My dirty blonde hair is shoulder length and wavy, but extremely messy, even after brushing it.
My cape was connected by a silver chain at my neck, and my cape itself is large, leathery, and black. When I stood, it touched the floor and flows menacingly at my sides, and when I walked, it dramatically floated through the air.
My outfit, other than the black underobe, consisted of black and silver striped metal shoulder armor, large protective boots, thick black leather gloves, black shoulder and knee pads, and a nice dark leather belt for my lightsaber and to switch between commlinks.
My eyes looked tired and like I wanted to kill the next person I come in contact with. It seems to have become my resting face lately.
And my mask was a sleek black metal, matching the rest of my armor, and it was fairly thick and bulky from the mechanism inside that holds the bacta. This design is also very good at covering my identity. The large mask made it impossible to know my face shape.
I walked out of the bedroom casually, just waiting for when my master wanted to see me, and for my next orders. In the meantime, I ate.
I made myself something simple. Not that I know how to make anything else. It was just some baked bread, jam made from Alderaanian berries, and some blue milk from Tatooine on the side.
Even though it's simple, the food is fairly expensive, The milk was from far away in the galaxy, so it's hard to find, the bread was made by some of the best chefs on Corosaunt, and the berries only grow one week every year, and they're difficult to maintain.
It's weird how my entire life, throughout being a slave, and being in war, I could live in such lavish now. Sure, Padmé was pretty wealthy, but I was only with her for short periods when I could see her.
The silence was deafening as I ate. Without anything to think about, the apartment is quiet. Even though I hated the horrible silence, I leave it. My Master will call soon enough anyway.
-
Soon after I finish my breakfast I got a call on my hologram.
My master. . .
I picked up as soon as I made it to my large hologram projector, knowing the consequences of not answering fast enough, and kneel.
"Lord Vader," He begins, his voice scratchy and bone-chilling. "are you ready for your next mission?"
"Yes, my Master" I replied robotically. It's not like I have a choice anyway.
"I need you to teach the younglings today."
When Order 66 happened, I didn't kill the children training to become Jedi. They wouldn't be able to defeat me, and they likely didn't even know much of what was going on, or be able to. So I used their trust for me to my advantage, and now they were training in the dark side without even knowing the difference.
Younglings, they always remind me of my mistakes.
I disliked training younglings, but it wasn't horrible, not as much as it used to be.
It's better than hunting some nobody Jedi in a far away sector.
"Why, Master?"
"I need someone qualified to train them, and that's you."
I suppose so. . .
"Alright, my Master."
"I wish you luck, Lord Vader."
I waited to stand until I heard the hologram vanish.
Younglings, really? I know he always has my best interest in mind, and that I am pretty qualified for the role, but. . . really? At least I like the younglings here, they've grown to be close to me.
I walked out of the room in long, powerful strides, which is how I'd begun to walk after a few months of the Empire, and I double-checked everything so that I could leave.
After I sorted everything out, I walked through the entrance of the cold apartment into the muffled atmosphere of the rest of the giant ship, starting my way to the youngling's corridors.
-
I passed many stormtroopers and other Empire officials as I quickly moved through the halls. They all said the same thing, "Lord Vader," and then they gave a small wave and bow. I always acknowledged them in some way, it is a halfhearted wave or a short, "Stormtrooper," or whatever their rank is. Eventually, they all blended, seeming to all be one person. I hadn't been paying enough attention to my surroundings, I'd been too lost in thought.
The children were near, not only did I know the way to the training room memorized, but I also could sense them with the force. They still have a lot to learn about the dark side, but then again, I do as well.
I still haven't told them what they're learning, and I could change the color of my eyes, making them blue again, but they have asked where certain Jedi are. Ones that have died.
My excuses were sometimes that they were on a mission, sometimes that they were "in a better place", but usually that they got arrested for treason. It isn't a lie. They did get arrested. I just don't mention how they got the death sentence. Or how I most likely killed them.
I rounded one last corner and made it to the training area for the younglings, it was right next to their sleeping quarters, so all I had to do is get them and be sure they got food before we started.
It feels more like something a droid should do.
I still did it anyway, I went through all of the trouble to not kill them, so I may as well go through the effort to keep them alive.
The atmosphere in the children's area is a bit safer than others, much like my room. We had put filters in there, and sanitized it often, because if any of the children were to get sick, it would spread like wildfire, and we don't have time to take care of fifty sick children.
We also gave them vitamins and gave them a balanced diet to help with the not-wanting of sickness.
I slipped the mask I wore in my pocket and entered their sleeping chambers, finding a fairly large room filled with a little over fifty children, some of them closer to teenagers in the time that has passed, but not quite there yet.
I collected the children in the temple at the time of order 66, but the number has grown, from survivors, and new children. Once I enter, my face slightly softens, and all of the children quiet down.
"Master!" Some of them yell, not used to seeing me since I wasn't usually there since, usually, someone else had trained them.
A few of them hugged me as I walked further into the room, and all of them looked up at me with admiring eyes. If only they knew what I did. They wouldn't look at me with such admiration. I calmly accepted the hugs by putting my hand on their heads or upper-backs as I started to lose the stiff, military-like walk I had when I usually went around the large ship, acting more like an older brother.
"What happened when I was gone?" I asked, a smile threatening to reach my lips, but I stopped it before it dared.
All of the kids went silent, the smiles slowly faded from their faces.
"The Emperor!" One of them finally states. I looked over to see who made the noise, and see a small Tholothian girl, states, her eyes glossy.
"What do you mean?"
"H-he hurt Ju-ara!" What? "He wasn't doing something good, so he hurt him!" Tears streamed down her face as she explains.
"Where is he?" I ask, concerned. The rooms atmosphere turns cold and angry, dim even, as my eyes nearly turned yellow, but don't.
"O-over here!" She points at a bed in the corner, a kid lays in it quietly. He seems passed out.
I walked over to him to see how he's injured, and see a large slash over the entirety of his face. It has a bit of a bandage over it, presumably placed there by a kid in an attempt to patch him up without the proper education on how to do it.
"Can somebody give me a first aid kit?" I asked, looking around to the kids around the room.
Many of them lifted their arms while saying something along the lines of "I can!" Or "I'll do it!" Wanting to be any help they can.
I pointed to a kid who was near me that had his hand up. He has black hair, dark skin, and blue eyes. After I pointed to him, he hurriedly got the kit and then brought it to me.
"Thanks." I said before I turned to the helpless child lying down limply.
With my years in the military, I had experience patching people up, patching myself up, so this comes easily.
I started to replace his bandages, but decided to talk to the kids while doing so.
"What was he having trouble with?" I asked, shocked and angry, but forcing myself to stay levelheaded, though I'm sure the younglings noticed with their Force abilities and being able to sense emotions. I'm not trying to hide them right now, really.
"He- he couldn't lift the ball good enough. . ." The girl I was talking to in the first place, Terrené, sniffles.
She was a close friend of his.
I sent her calming waves with the force, not being able to do anything else while being preoccupied.
That's a horrible reason.
The Emperor had done this to test me. I stared directly at the camera in the corner of the room and snarled. Another scarred for no good reason. I'm not one to talk though.
A few other kids in the room had scars of their own from the Emporer, all for equally stupid reasons. The kids hated when he went to their room to train them. They were always horrified.
They all had to watch it, didn't they? I observed as I look around the room and saw many other children are also crying, or were close. How horrible.
"I know Ju-ara is doing well. We will not grieve for someone still alive. We'll avenge him, don't worry!" I said cheerily. Terrené looked at me with a sparkle in her eye, and seemed excited over the idea.
"Will you avenge him for us, Master Vader?" She asked excitedly.
"Of course I will. . . when the time comes." I looked back at the camera, glaring at it. The force shattered it, but none of the kids noticed it in their excitement of revenge.
"I hope the time comes soon!" Many kids said with low tones.
The funny thing about the room was. . . many of the kids had, at least slightly, yellow eyes.
_---_
I woke up alone in a queen-sized bed. I turned to my right to see the empty gap. It haunted me at night, it hurt, but it's not like I wasn't used to him being gone. Still, I missed him.
The few years that we were together, were the happiest years of my life, other than now, but there's a different kind of happiness. One without him.
I didn't care about the stress, I didn't care about the war, that was all outshined by him. It's too bad that the Clone Wars separated us, it made him protective. Too protective. If they never happened and his mother never died that way, maybe he wouldn't have done what he did.
Then again, if we weren't imprisoned at the beginning of the war, I doubt we would've been together.
There were many upsides in my new life. I could still see Bail and Mon from time to time, Obi-Wan came over every few weeks, and I didn't have to deal with the stress of being a senator. The children were a highlight. Not to mention the fact that I didn't have to constantly be worried about how my husband might be dead.
I slowly sat up, hanging my legs off of the bed so they would touch the floor. I looked at the sandy ground.
Why did Obi-Wan suggest moving to Tatooine anyway? There are such mixed memories that I have with this place, some from the first time I met Anakin, some from when his mother died, and some new ones.
Anakin always hated Tatooine.
Sighing, I stood up, heading for the dresser. Once I get there, I opened the drawers to see the many tan or white articles of clothing that I've had to wear living on a desert planet.
It's too bad that I can't wear the beautiful and extravagant dresses that I could wear as a senator. Currently they're just rotting away in a closet. They aren't really for this climate, and they would draw too much attention.
After deciding what to wear, I grabbed a white shirt, dark tan pants, and a tan robe, and made my way out of my room and into the hallway.
Feeling tired, I moved to the refresher across the corridor. My footsteps echoed loudly in the empty and quiet house. The babies were asleep at the moment, so there was an early-morning quiet to the entire house. The door to the refresher opens as I approached it, making it so I could enter.
After I walked in, I brushed my hair and my teeth, locked the door, took off my clothes, and got into the shower. The warm water felt nice and washed the sand off of my body with ease as well as relieved the growing tension in my muscles.
I wonder what would've happened if Anakin's force vision about me became a reality. . . would he still be alive if I died? I wonder aimlessly as the endless stream of water comes down on me.
Other useless thoughts appear often as I continued the shower.
After I finished, I stepped out of the shower and wrapped myself in the towel that I had left on my counter, then wrapped my dark hair in the other towel that I left next to it.
Once I believed myself to be dry enough, I took off the towels and changed into the new clothes that I grabbed before the shower.
The outfit was comfortable and didn't look horrible, though there really wasn't a point for me to dress up if there wasn't for anyone to see me in it. I did dress up sometimes, just for my own pleasure, I suppose, but it always made my day when Anakin complimented me. Every day he could see me, he would call me beautiful. And everytime, I would believe him, even though I already knew it.
I wish he was here.
I left the refresher and headed for the children's room, my mood lifted from thinking about seeing them.
I opened the door to hear calm breathing. I wonder what those little heads of theirs are dreaming. I laughed to myself, thinking of all the things they could be.
I walked over to one of the beds to see a toddling baby with dirty blonde hair and tan features. He wore a tan onesie, and under his closed eyelids, had marble-like blue eyes, just like his father's. He slept peacefully, holding a small stuffed clone trooper in between his arms.
Next, I walked to the bed opposite of him, holding another baby of the same age. She had ear-length brown hair and sleeps peacefully with the arm of a plush toy wookie in her left hand. She has slightly tan skin and was wearing a tan onesie as well. Brown eyes glimmered under her shut eyelids.
I sighed and grab the first one, Luke, from his crib and held him on my hip. Then I made it over to the girl, Leia, and held her at my side as well. I then made my way out of the room, the two children sitting on each of my hips comfortably.
The door opened as I walked towards it, my hands were completely filled as I hugged the toddlers close to me. It's times like this where I'm glad we have automatic doors.
The children stirred and started to wake as I made it through the hall, in the direction of the kitchen.
I heard a cute little noise from next to me, I turned to see my daughter squirming around.
"Good morning." I said warmly, smiling. She's so cute.
"Baa. . ." She cooed, as if telling me she's hungry.
"We're going to eat now, sweetie." I delicately placed them both in highchairs as I went to make baby food.
Before I started, I turned around and look at my two babies. They look so adorable. The only thing that's missing in this picture is. . .
Anakin.