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“I think you need to listen to the rest of the album.”
He looks up from the notes he’s making on the latest NFL free agent moves for the next podcast episode to where she is sitting on the couch. She peers over her laptop at him, looking determined. Yet under the surface, he sees her apprehension.
“I thought you said I should hear the whole thing when it came out?”
One night in December, she shared some of Tortured Poets with him. Songs she felt helped her reconcile with the end of her previous relationship. He felt the heartbreak as he listened to the pain in her voice. Yet, even in the sadness, he felt a sense of pride knowing she was brave enough to leave and build herself back up on her own terms. He can’t wait for the world to hear it.
She pushes her laptop to the side and gets up to come sit beside him, looking down at her hands.
“I’ve been making these playlists for promo and I realize now…I was scared for you to hear some of the others,” she confesses. “And I now think I want you to.”
“Why were you scared?” he asks. “I hope I didn’t make you feel you couldn’t share them with me.”
“No, Trav, not at all,” she reassures, reaching for his hand. “This is all on me. I…I was ashamed, I guess.”
He squeezes her hand. He never would have got that from the songs he heard.
“This album is a lot about other people. But it is also a lot about me. And I didn’t always do the right thing. I didn’t…there are things I’m not proud of on there too. Things you didn’t hear.”
“Tay,” he says carefully. “None of us are perfect.”
“No, I know,” she nods. “I just…I was so hurt. So I decided I was going to hurt back.”
“Okay.”
“Just, can you listen? I put it on this,” she says, handing him the jump drive. She sees the notes he’s been working on and adds, “You’re busy right now. And I think I’d rather…maybe you could listen when I’m not here.”
“Okay, but sweetie, nothing is going to make me feel anything different about you. You know that right?”
“Just listen.”
He kisses her forehead and takes the drive. “I will.”
*****
The next morning she kisses him as he’s making coffee and heads off to the gym. He decides now is as good as any to listen. He loads the drive into his laptop and grabs his AirPods.
It starts with songs he’s already listened to, down to the devastating fifth track that had had him hugging her tight the first time he heard it. But as the album progresses there are songs intermixed in the familiar that he’s not heard and he leans forward in his chair, turning up the headphones to listen closely.
These songs are equally gut-wrenching, yet they also carry tones of anger, jealousy, and even revenge. Despite these emotions, he still hears her devastation, pain, and hurt within them. Heartbreak in all its forms appears to be the theme of the album. And he knows from his own life, that heartbreak is never simple; it's messy and hard.
He sits with the album when it finishes. Reflecting on it, he realizes he hears something that maybe she can’t yet. He hears the beginnings of the woman he met almost eight months ago. The brave, independent woman who wore her heartbreak on her sleeve but who gave him a chance when she had every reason not to.
He wants her to know that.
*****
When she walks into the house a short time later, he meets her in the hall with a tight hug.
“You listened,” she says, picking up on his mood as always.
“I listened,” he confirms.
“Do you…I mean…”
“Let’s talk about it,” he says, emphasizing the album rather than “let’s talk.”
She pulls him over to the breakfast bar. And when they sit, she fidgets—tugging at the hem of her shorts, cracking her knuckles—her tells that she’s nervous. He reaches over and covers her hand.
“Tay,” he starts, searching for some way to make her feel safe sharing all this.
“I was awful,” she blurts out.
“No,” he shakes his head. “You were human.”
“I hated myself,” she whispers before clearing her throat and continuing. “How I acted—it was the only way I was brave enough to leave. I thought I’d grown up, but there I was pulling the same shit I did at 24.”
He’s unsure he can say anything to make her feel differently about that time. Even if from the outside, he sees it differently. What’s more, he’s not sure he should. Who is anyone to tell her that her feelings are wrong? Still, he wants her to know what he sees—that he sees her.
“You were so hurt, baby. Hurt people do things they are not proud of. I…Be angry at yourself. Just please don’t hate yourself.”
“I don’t now,” she reassures him. “It’s something I’ve worked through this last year in therapy. I’ve worked through a lot. But I still…I can’t see it any other way than I was a bad person. No better than him in some ways.”
“I think,” he stops, wanting to get this right. “I think we all have that part of us that isn’t the best of us, Taylor. I know I’ve done things I’m not proud of. Behaved like the worst version of myself. Hurt people. But you learn from it, yeah? And being the person that knows you after all of that, I see that you did.”
“Travis, don’t…” she scoffs.
“No seriously,” he counters. “You are not afraid to say what you want. I knew exactly what I was getting into with you because you told me straight up and brokered no argument on how you wanted to be treated. I don’t think the person I hear on those songs on the album would have done that, do you?”
She blows out a breath, “No.”
“You learn. You work through it and you learn. That’s not a bad person. That’s being a normal human being. And I know sometimes you think you are not a normal person but Tay that is as normal as it comes, flaws and all.
“I…maybe,” she shrugs. He can tell she’s not fully convinced.
“I’ll take maybe.”
“Really?” she asks skeptically.
“Really, “he confirms. ‘I have plenty of time to persuade you I’m right. Years and years of time.”
She looks down at their still joined hand smiling slightly. But then a frown crosses her face once more.
“I don’t want...” She struggles for the words. “Please don’t think I would ever.”
“Taylor,” he says, lifting her chin to look him in the eyes. “I have zero worries that you and I will ever do anything but communicate if we are not in sync. I think we’re pretty fucking good at talking.”
“We are,” she agrees. “That is so important to me, Travis. It’s when everything goes silent—that’s when it falls apart. It got so quiet back then. It was like a tomb. Even when we want to yell, please just yell at me rather than say nothing.”
He pulls her close, lips to her hair. “I promise, but maybe we try not to yell too, huh? And hey, you and I haven’t shut up since that very first phone call, remember?”
“No, we haven’t. I always want to talk to you, even when I’m mad. Even about the scary, not great stuff like this. I’m sorry I took so long to tell you this.”
“But you did. And I appreciate you letting me in.”
She rests her head on his shoulder. And he can’t help but add quietly. “See, Tay. Learning.”
“We’re going to do a lot of that together, right?” her voice barely above a whisper pressed into his shirt.
“Oh, yeah,” he places his hand on the back of her head to keep her close. "Like I said, years and years.”
“I like that. I like growing with you.”
“Me too. And Taylor, I love the album. Everyone will. People will feel seen, knowing you got through that. And that they can too…even if they aren’t their best selves while doing it.”
“I hope so,” she sighs into his neck.
“I know so. Was…there was a song missing from the drive, right?” he queries, leaning back. “The bonus track? I mean, you share it when you want but I was wondering if you missed it.”
“Oh yeah, I’m saving that one for release day, Trav,” she says, running her hand across his cheek and smiling like she’s got the best secret.
“Alright.”
“That one deserves some room from all these before you listen,” she explains. “On the last few albums, I have been ending them how I hope to begin the next album.”
“Hmm, I like that. So ‘The Manuscript’…”
She looks at him closely, just taking him in. He can see all the ways in which she loves him from how she is looking at him right now. He hopes she sees the same in him. Then she continues,
“A manuscript is a work in progress. The one we’re still writing.”