Work Text:
For what it was worth, you were glad there was something wrong with you for once. You had been told that it was all in your head, or you needed to suck it up (in not so many words) for so long that you were starting to believe you were actually the problem. If you could just change then things wouldn’t be so hard all the time. If you could change then the medication would actually start to work. If you could change then maybe for once you could be genuinely happy.
You hadn’t, and now it was killing you.
It seemed fitting that Blitzø was both the beginning and end of you. If you had been more sensible maybe you wouldn’t have clung to his ghost for as long as you had. You wouldn’t chase some fantasy that you couldn’t have. You wouldn’t have thrown everything away for someone who so clearly didn’t want you to begin with. Your delusions were the only reason he had managed to bury his roots so deeply inside of you.
Perhaps you were being selfish in not telling Blitzø that you were sick, but it felt too much like trying to guilt him into staying with you. You had done everything you could think of to keep him. You let yourself relax and succumbed to the urge to cling to him. Then when it proved to be too much you forced yourself to take a step back. You reburied that part of you that was desperate for him to like you. You gave him more space when even your bare minimum was too much for him to bear. Then he ghosted you and took what little fight you had left in you.
You found it hard to blame him. You were boring. You were overbearing. You were clingy. You were submissive. Anything you were supposed to be evaded you and you knew you’d never be able to grasp such things. It was just something else that tormented you alongside Blitzø’s absence. Maybe if you weren’t that he’d still be here. If you were more becoming surely you would have been able to fix things.
Wallowing in what if’s came naturally to you. It exasperated the bloody garden Blitzø had left growing inside of you because it hurt in all the same ways that it had when he was around. You had given up on the idea that he was going to come back a changed man days ago. The petals you were choking on and the blossoms that were stealing the air from your lungs were what you had left and you wanted to cling to them for as long as you could.
As you lay bedridden the idea of hating Blitzø hadn’t crossed your mind. Why should it? Deep down you knew you probably weren’t lovable. This was this childish fantasy you should have given up on ages ago. Before your body gave out completely you’d let the doctors come and rip your heart out along with anything else he had left inside of you. This was what you had resigned yourself to before he had even left because you knew that he was slipping through your fingers.
You resigned yourself to this because you knew you couldn’t do better.
You resigned yourself to this because you didn’t deserve this in the first place.
Most importantly, you resigned yourself to this because even if you could repair the damage that had been done to you, the thought of someone else coming along and filling in all the cracks he had left behind was more painful than feeling the possibilities of what could have been rip you apart from the inside out. So,until that day came, you’d lay here and choke on the petals that he had left with you because it was the closest thing to a gift that he had ever given you.