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There's this saddening reality, like a whisper, a dry mouth waking up after hungover, after the bruise turns green, and yet, it all starts so fast, but it feels so slow.
Looking back, he knows he's a bad human being. Bad isn't enough; Despicable, horrible, terrible, disgusting, all of these work to describe him. It's overwhelming to know how bad he is, and he feels trapped, forced to be a bad person. Forced by himself to be a bad person.
There's some type of darkness inside his soul, one that tries to get out again, and again, and again, and when it does, it calms down for some time. Then, again, it wants to go out.
“It's the Alberich bloodline,” He tries to tell himself.
“It's my past's fault,” He tries to tell himself.
“I'm not so bad,” He tries to tell himself.
Apart from lying to others, he also dares to lie to himself.
When he meets someone else, he is Kaeya, a charming man who likes to tease, yet caring. The Cavalry Captain of KoF, the man that enjoys spending time with other knights in the tavern.
When they get to know him, he's Kaeya Alberich, a drunkard, a liar, a narcissist that's scared of being a narcissist, a knife that stabs every time his vocal chords ring.
Be it a man or a woman, after getting close, they'll start getting bruises, cuts, and whatever Kaeya wants them to have. Then, they'll escape, with scars Kaeya himself gave them, and they won't be able to be the same person again.
He's scared. Scared of himself.
He avoids the others, then, as a way to protect them, as if he wasn't able to control his actions. He feels detached from his actions. There's a small sense of guilt, but he tries to tell himself it isn't so bad, the bruises, the punches, all of it isn't so bad.
He doesn't feel human anymore.
Suffering, then, because he's caused suffering to others, how his heart aches remembering the cries of his long lost partners, and it's all his fault, and he keeps doing it, and yet, somehow, he can feel the sadness he's caused.
Seems like he really isn't human anymore.