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Waking up, Raj knew already it wasn't going to be a good day. The empty feeling in his gut told him so much, but so little all at once. He stared blankly at his bedroom ceiling, trying in vain to find any logical reason to get up, but he came up short. These days had become more common as of late. Raj would wake up feeling like a husk then force himself to go about his day. Yet today was going to be one of those days spent in bed. He willed himself to move, but he just couldn't. His limbs felt heavy, like he was made of stone. He hated feeling like this, but he didn't know how to stop it. He didn't know how to avoid feeling this way either. Not to mention the fact that he struggled even getting his emotions out to the people he loved. He didn't want to burden them with meaningless issues. They already had things to deal with on their own. Wayne and Bowie didn't need to consistently put up with Raj's bullshit and he felt gross even telling them what was wrong. So, he laid in silence.
Raj had eventually gone back to sleep, deciding it was easier to just ignore his feelings until they went away. He'd sleep it off then feel fine right? Wrong. He woke up feeling like his body was made of static. He felt cold and like he was on fire all at once, sweat rolling down his forehead. He rolled over, face scrunching up in discomfort. Finally finding the strength to pick up his phone, he was greeted with several messages from Bowie and Wayne. Oh right...he and Bowie were supposed to go out today...Raj groaned and set his phone down. Now he felt even worse...Bowie probably hated him for not showing up today. Raj buried himself deeper into his blankets and sniffled. Why was he like this? Why was he so broken? Why couldn't he do one thing right?!
The questions swirled around in his head, as Raj let out a small sob. He held his blanket to his eyes, quietly crying as he tried to quelle his emotions. But after a full day of buildup, it all came flooding out and Raj was powerless to stop it. He sobbed into his blanket, shoulders shaking violently as his emotions released themselves. It was cathartic and guilt inducing all at once. He hoped Bowie wouldn't break up with him over this...But then again, maybe Raj deserved it...he did totally skip a date...The thought of Bowie leaving him just made Raj cry harder. He didn't want to lose Bowie! He loved Bowie! Bowie meant the world to him! He had to fix things...
So, Raj grabbed his phone and called Bowie without hesitation. Bowie picked up on the first ring, and Raj let out a shaky breath. "Raj! Are you okay?" Bowie asked, his voice gentle. Raj immediately felt a little better. "You never showed up and I was worried about you..."
"Sorry Bowie..." Raj croaked, his voice failing him.
"It's okay baby...Are you at least okay and safe?" Bowie's tone remained gentle.
"I guess so...I'm at least safe..." Raj replied. He wasn't really sure how he was feeling right now. If anything, Raj felt empty. He felt like he was in a limbo state of sorts...pins littering his skin. "I'm sorry..."
"It's okay, Honey, I promise." Bowie replied, the sound of shuffling in the background assaulting Raj's ears. It sounded so much louder than before. "Do you want me to come over?"
Raj thought about that for a moment. Have Bowie come to him...that didn't sound like such a bad idea...Then it really hit Raj. Bowie lived almost two hours away. "I wish...but that's such a long drive and I don't wanna inconvenience you anymore than I already have..."
"Raj what...? You haven't inconvenienced me...You never would. You're my boyfriend, I'd happily drive a long time just to help you." Bowie said surely. "But, if it helps you any, I've been at Wayne's since you didn't show up. He was showing me your Minecraft world. I wanted to be there in case you needed me. Your mom said you were just tired...."
"I am tired...But if you're at Waynes...maybe you could come over here?" Raj asked.
"Of course, my love...Wayne too?"
"Yeah..." Raj replied, his voice sounding cold even if the idea of his two favorite people coming over was the best idea ever.
"Okay, we'll be over shortly." Bowie said, his tone still just as warm as it had been since he first called. It made Raj want to scream. Why was Bowie always so patient with him? He didn't deserve this. "I love you..."
Raj hummed in response. He didn't have it in him to say anything else. The call ended and Raj hid himself under his blankets once more. Why was everything so loud?! Why did he feel so...off? He felt like he was on fire. Like he wasn't really there...Why was he like this? Why couldn't he just be a normal kid with a normal brain? He felt wrong in his skin, like he wasn't in the right body. He pulled himself up, wrapped up in his blanket and approached the full-length mirror hung up on his closet door. He frowned, looking at his reflection. There were dark circles under his eyes, his hair was a mess...it was not a good look. Raj lowered the blanket around him and stared at himself. He chewed on the inside of his cheek, feeling disconnected from the person he saw starring back at him. The person's hair was getting long, it needed a trim. Raj watched the person reach up and run a hand through his hair. His own hands felt prickly. Raj's vision felt spotty as he rubbed his eyes and blinked a few times. Everything ached and his skin prickled.
A small knock on his door made Raj jump. He looked over as the door opened. Wayne's head peeked into the room, a look of worry on his face.
"Hey bud...You, okay?" Wayne asked, idling in the doorway. "Can we come in?"
Raj pulled the blanket back up around himself and nodded. Wayne stepped into the room and Bowie followed after him.
"Hi baby..." Bowie said, easing the door shut. Raj gave no answer but nodded his head at Bowie too. Wayne and Bowie looked at each other with worried expressions. Raj slunk back to his bed and silently flopped onto it. Bowie approached first and sat down on the edge. Wayne followed next, sitting down next to Bowie. "Can I touch you...?" Bowie asked. Raj contemplated for a moment. What was there to even put a hand on? Raj wasn't anything. He felt like nothing...just...like he was floating. But he nodded anyways. Bowie put a gentle hand on Raj's back, slowly rubbing circles into the fabric of his covers. To Raj it just felt like a small weight. Nothing too extraordinary...just a dull weight. "I don't think he's verbal..." Raj faintly heard Bowie say to Wayne. It felt like Raj was underwater. Like there was water in his ears. He let out a shaky exhale and glanced over at the two on his bed. They were talking to each other in low voices. They sounded muffled and it made Raj feel dizzy as he strained to listen. He opened his mouth to try and speak, but the words felt lodged in his throat. He felt stifled, but empty. What was he...? He felt like a stranger...floating above a body that wasn't his. It wasn't right. He felt like a fraud. He'd never look or feel like his peers. He felt gross.
Finally, Raj let out a sob. It alerted Bowie and Wayne and the two immediately looked at Raj. Raj kept sobbing. He let out a wail and gripped at his hair tightly. If it hurt, Raj didn't feel it. He felt nothing at all as he cried. Even as he was pulled into someone's arms, and gently held between two weights. Raj's sobs turned to loud pathetic wails, as he was held. He could faintly hear a gently shushing and being told to "let it out" and that he'd "be okay." Well then why didn't Raj feel okay?
"Just breathe, Sweet Boy...we've got you..." Bowie murmured against the top of Raj's head.
"Yeah bud, Bowie and I are right here..." Wayne added, resting his head on Raj's shoulder. "We'll stay here as long as you need us..."
Raj cried harder, trembling hands reaching up to fumble around until Raj distantly felt something. He held onto whatever that something was, trying to hone in on it. What he had managed to grab was one of Wayne's arms. One of Bowie's hands came to rest over one of Raj's, thumb tracing shapes into his knuckles. "S-orry..." Raj choked out. His voice cracked but he got it out.
"For what, honey...? You haven't done anything wrong?" Bowie asked softly, pressing his lips to the top of Raj's head. "We're here for you sweetie..."
"Yeah, Rajie...we love you...we aren't gonna just let ya go through this alone...we're here for ya..." Wayne said, holding Raj a little tighter. Raj sniffled, releasing a few hiccupy sobs as he lowered his head. He felt like a burden...Bowie and Wayne shouldn't have to be putting up with him. They shouldn't have to be babysitting him while he melted down like a toddler. Raj smacked at Wayne's arm; his body overwhelmed with so many things all at once. But Wayne didn't let go and Raj didn't want him to.
"Feels like he's burning up..." Wayne muttered. Bowie hummed in agreement, and shifted to look at Raj.
"Hey...can you look at me, Raj?" He asked. Raj felt like he had just been slapped. Bowie hardly called him Raj anymore, so this felt like being dropkicked in the heart. Despite this, Raj looked up. His teary eyes met Bowie's kind ones and Raj fell further in love. "Hi..." Bowie whispered. Raj gave him a half-hearted attempt at a smile, which ended up looking more deflated then anything. "Do you want me to run you a bath...?"
Raj blinked at him a few times. Admittedly he hadn't heard what Bowie just said. He'd gotten a bit lost in the taller males eyes. He nodded dumbly. Bowie nodded and slowly pulled away. Raj let out a small whine and Bowie ran a gentle hand through his hair. "He'll be right back..." Wayne said, as Raj moved to latch onto him now. Wayne rubbed his back and slowly rocked back and forth. Raj sniffled, trying to worm further into his best friends arms. But he was already pressed as close as he could get. "You're okay..." Wayne soothed. "You're doing great bud..."
"M'not..." Raj muttered.
"Huh...?" Wayne asked.
"M'not fine..." Raj said a little louder, his voice hoarse. Wayne frowned and rest his head on top of Raj's "M'not..."
"That's alright, Rajie...you don't have to be fine..." Wayne replied. "You feel however you want to...Bowie and I'll be right here for you." That started Raj's tears again. He cried in Wayne's arms as the blonde rubbed his back. "Ler it out..." He said softly as Bowie came back into the room. Raj hiccupped and cried as he gripped Wayne's shirt tightly. "Is it ready...?" Wayne asked Bowie. Bowie nodded, running his hand through Raj's hair, by his neck. Raj shuddered and glared at Bowie. Bowie looked at him sadly and Raj looked away.
"Don't look at that...it's ugly." Raj grumbled. "It's too long...not right..."
Bowie nodded along as Raj pulled himself out of Wayne's grasp. "I think you look very handsome..." Bowie replied.
"You're my boyfriend...you're supposed to think I'm handsome..." Raj said, looking at Bowie with a sad expression.
"Well even if I wasn't...I'd think you look handsome." Bowie said. That made Raj smile a little. "There we go...there's that gorgeous smile...come on, I've got everything set up for you..." Bowie said, offering his hand. Raj took it and let Bowie pull him up. "I'll be right back." He said to Wayne. Bowie led Raj down the hall to the bathroom and ushered him inside. "Okay, these are here for you." He said, patting towels he had placed on the countertop. "And the waters nice and warm like you like it. Wayne and I'll will be in your room, if you need anything, don't hesitate to ask." Bowie explained before leaning down to peck Raj's lips, then he promptly left the bathroom. Raj stared at the door blankly. Then he turned to see the tub full.
Oh...
Raj swallowed thickly, pulling off his clothes, his face feeling hot and uncomfortable. He knew if he saw that person in the mirror again it would feel wrong. It would feel like he was looking at a stranger. But...Raj looked anyway. He looked in the mirror with an intensity. The stranger stared back at him. Shaggy haired, and not at all what Raj wanted to see. The mirror persons arms crossed over his chest, covering what laid there. Raj narrowed his eyes. That looked a little better...Not by much, but a little. Raj turned away and faced the water. He let out a sigh and got in. It was warm like Bowie had promised, and felt comforting...Raj scooted downward, submerging his head under the water. His face scrunched up as he held his breath, his eyes clamped shut as he basked in the feeling. It was...relaxing...for the first time, since he woke up, Raj felt a little more aware of himself. While he still definitely felt off, this was pleasant. He came up for air, feeling his wet hair stick to his forehead and the back of his neck. It wasn't the most enjoyable sensation, but Raj tried to ignore it. He tried to ignore several sensations in this moment. The feeling of pins across his skin, the static feeling on his hands and feet...the slight weight on his chest.
He was back in that headspace. Feeling like a stranger in his own body. He lifted a hand up to move his bangs out of his face, noticing the way it shook. Why was it shaking? Why was that happening? What was happening to him? His breathing shallowed slightly, trying to rationalize why he was shaking. He wasn’t cold…in fact he felt like he was on fire…he swept his hair from his face, shaking his hand loosely. Why couldn’t he just get his shit together? Why couldn’t he just be normal?! His hair pressing against his skin was beginning to agitate him as he dunked himself under the water again, then resurface. Raj angrily smacked the side of the tub. “Fuck.” He hissed, shaking his hand. His hand hit his chest and he flung his hand back like it burnt him. He stared at his hand in horror, then dunked it into the water. He immediately felt embarrassed. Why did he do that? He lifted his still slightly trembling hand and swept his hair out of his face again. The ends pressing against the nape of his neck drove him crazy. He roughly pulled himself from the water, stomping up to the counter, he glared at what he saw, opening one of the cabinets and taking out the scissors that were housed in it.
Raj stared at the scissors for a moment before reaching to grab one of the strands of hair. He lifted the scissors and began to snip. He took each strand, snipping them with an aggression. His gaze remained hard, but a smile grew across his features as he cut his hair in a frenzied manner.
He felt thirteen again. But when he was thirteen Wayne was with him and he was in that ugly green dress. Raj laughed as he lowered the scissors. It was uneven, but it was shorter. He drained the bath, turned on the shower head and cleaned off the hair that covered his body.
He got out and wrapped himself in a towel, staring at the reflection in the mirror. Now it looked more like him. Raj grinned and shook his head like a dog. His hair was very uneven. Nothing that couldn’t be fixed but Raj didn’t care. Under the towel was fresh clothes. Raj quickly put them on and put the dirty clothes and towel into the hamper. He gave himself a final glance and walked out of the bathroom.
He still felt like he was covered in pins, and static. But this was a good start. He’d feel better in due time. Maybe with help from Bowie and Wayne…or maybe he needed to sleep more…he wasn’t sure.
But in this moment, Raj felt a little bit better. Which was good enough for him.