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Yoongi does not have to look at the sound of the door opening to know who it is. He keeps his eyes on his dagger, sitting securely on his palm, the blade glinting every time it's caught under the moonlight seeping from the patched-up windows.
He looks up and eyes Jimin, and he hopes the younger man can see his grief. However, Yoongi is certain Jimin sees nothing in his eyes but warmth. Can't grief and warmth coexist?
"Why do you keep coming back?" Yoongi asks instead.
Jimin looks down with a smile. "I could ask you the same thing. Why do you keep coming back, Yoongi?"
Yoongi wants Jimin to look at him in the eye but the younger keeps his head down. Yoongi wants Jimin to see the grief he so desperately wants to get across but it seems like Jimin is as in denial as Yoongi is.
"Want the truth?" Yoongi asks, tone gentle. Jimin turns him into that; gentle. Yoongi likes to believe he is everything but gentle yet here he is.
He sees Jimin bobs his head up slightly, almost unnoticeable if you're not looking intently but Yoongi always is when it comes to Jimin. He probably could determine whether he was dead or alive from the slightest indication of the rise in his chest from a meter away. Yoongi hopes it never comes to that.
"I keep coming back because the end is near and I don't want to be alone," he says, and it's not entirely a lie, but not the entire truth either. Just the half of it, the easier half to say out loud. "Why do you keep coming back Jimin?"
Finally, Jimin looks up. There are bags under his eyes and even from afar, Yoongi can see the wetness of his eyelashes. They, too, glint under the moonlight. Yoongi wonders how a dagger and tears can be both weapons; he'll end the world just so he'd never have to see Jimin cry in pain ever again.
"Want the truth?" Jimin asks, copying him, tone gentle, eyes gentler. The world could make Park Jimin go through countless wars and he'll get out all of it with eyes still gentle.
Yoongi nods because he doesn't trust his voice to not crack.
Jimin walks closer and sits beside him, the old sofa creaking under their combined weight.
"I keep coming back, Yoongi, because the end is near and I do not want you to be alone. 'Cause I know you'll be 'ere."
Yoongi smiles, something small, just the corner of his lips tugging up but Jimin sees it and mirrors him. "'S that so?"
"Yeah," Jimin nods, eyes fluttering close, lips still stretched to a smile.
The moonlight is on his entire face, and if Yoongi tries enough, he could probably imagine a halo materializing out of thin air above Jimin's head. It's not too unrealistic. And maybe Jimin could be lying on a pair of angel wings right now, and somewhere in their hideout, he laid down his pearl-white lyre.
"Let me get you out," Yoongi says. Because it's what's been keeping him awake all this time, because the other half of the truth is that Yoongi keeps coming back in hopes that one of these nights, Jimin will change his mind and finally answer yes.
He watches Jimin's smile widen like Yoongi said something amusing. Jimin opens his eyes and Yoongi's breath hitched for a second before he's breathing normally again.
"No. It's always going to be no, Yoongi. I am not getting out. I will fight in the war," Jimin says softly like he's saying something as simple as What do you want tomorrow morning for breakfast? instead of I'm going to die and you can't do anything about it.
Yoongi doesn't look away and continues to wish Jimin to see the grief in his eyes. He feels like it's taking bits of his soul, the longer he spends being lost in his eyes. He can feel his ribs cracking and his heart breaking more but he lets it happen because, like Jimin, he's going to die, too, so what's more breaking, right?
"You've fought enough," Yoongi says after a while.
"So have you."
"I'm different."
"How so?"
Yoongi thinks of his Mum and Dad, thinks of his older brother, all dead now. Thinks of the life they could have had if Yoongi hadn't chosen to be a part of the war, and consequently, dragged his entire family with him — if only for once he was contented with being a coward.
"I brought this upon myself. You didn't. I chose this, you should get to choose, too."
"Then I choose you," Jimin says without missing a beat like it's a matter of fact. Like Yoongi is worth being the choice for once. "Why don't you get out, Yoongi? Run away?"
Yoongi frowns and looks at Jimin because that's all he ever does when the other boy is around. Because maybe Yoongi can find the answers to Jimin's questions in his very eyes.
"If I could, I would. Long before they are dead, long before I'm here, I would have," he answers, and Jimin looks at him as if saying I'm sorry, "Long before I met you."
Jimin nods slowly, Yoongi would never be here if only things had been a little different. "You can, Yoongi, run away I mean."
Yoongi shakes his head, frown deepening. "There's a huge difference between my ability and my capability. Yes, I can, but no, I couldn't."
He hears Jimin let out a sigh. He sounds tired and hopeless. That tends to happen when you're in the middle of a war. Yoongi doesn't think it's possible for him to continue breaking but the longer he spends with Jimin, the more he does. He breaks under the weight of grief he feels for Jimin.
Every night since I met you, I've been mourning your life. You, more than anyone, deserve a life without war. I'm sorry I can't give it to you.
"Why?" Jimin asks.
Yoongi lets out a laugh, a proper laugh. He hangs his head down, placing his elbows on both his knees. "God, aren't you dumb."
"Excuse me?"
He turns his head and looks at Jimin. "The war is here Jimin and we are prisoners of it. Me as much as you are. There is no running away from it. I can get you out but I'm going to die doing so, and you know that. There is no us until the war is done. Do you not fucking see that?!" Yoongi begs, desperate to shout but he knows he can't. So he begs, as desperate as he can quietly. Really, he begs rather than asks, because of course Jimin sees that, but Jimin tends to do that, hanging his head down so he could avoid looking as if that will make it any less the truth. So, Yoongi begs him to look. "Are you gonna let me face the truth alone?"
"Oh fuck you!" Jimin shouts but doesn't really because they have to keep quiet. He's standing up now and Yoongi can sense him pacing around. He keeps his head low, his hopes lower. "Fuck you! I am as burdened with the truth as you are so don't you fucking dare. Am I wrong for believing we can both run away if we want it enough?"
"Yes."
And Jimin weeps. He always does, every night, every time they are together, there is no route they take that will not lead to Jimin weeping, no route they can take that will not lead to Yoongi near him but not enough, helpless.
"I just want to live," Jimin admits.
"I know. Me too," Yoongi admits, too.
"No," Jimin croaks. "No, I want to live, Yoongi, and I want to live with you."
"I know," Yoongi replies. "Me too."
"You want to die."
"I want to live," he cuts Jimin. "But even more, I want you to live. And I know what it takes for that to happen. There's a difference."
Jimin is on the floor when Yoongi looks up, legs in an awkward position, with his entire face hidden behind his palms. His forehead is almost touching the flour and Yoongi can still hear him sobbing.
"Stop crying?"
Jimin keeps crying. Yoongi never managed to console him but he tried every time, by asking him to stop crying which he never did but it's all right, Jimin assured him one night, Just keep asking, 'cause it's funny to me once I'm done.
After a while, the sobbing subsides and Yoongi can only hear a sniffle every once in a while. It's quiet now, and there is ringing in his ears. Jimin speaks up first.
"Would you now?" he asks, voice rough like his throat was rubbed by sandpaper countless times. There's a slight quiver to his voice and Yoongi's heart aches with the desire to touch him and say I'm here because Yoongi doesn't know how long will that be the truth. "Would you run away now if you could?"
"With you, I would."
Jimin is quiet for a while after that. Eventually, he stands up, pats his pants dries his cheeks, and sits beside Yoongi like nothing happened.
"What happens after the war?"
Yoongi doesn't have an answer to that. "I think the more appropriate question would be whether or not the war will end at all."
"Oh, it will. Don't worry 'bout that."
Yoongi turns to the younger and raises his brow but Jimin shrugs at him as if saying how dare he doubt the truth.
"Why don't you answer it then, since you're so sure the war will end," Yoongi suggests, mirth in his voice.
"It will," Jimin declares, still looking somewhere far. "I'm going to see the end of it."
"I don't doubt that."
"You too, you'll see the end of it."
"Okay."
Jimin sighs, and Yoongi watches a single drop of tear fall from his eye. Jimin wipes it away before it reaches his chin.
After a few seconds, Jimin speaks up again. "When the war ends, I'm going to scream."
Yoongi chuckles at that. Because, yeah, that. When the war ends, Yoongi will probably scream, too. Because contrary to what it seems, the war is quieter than it is loud. Sure, tomorrow they'll probably be woken up by an explosion just a few meters away, they'll probably be going to run with their ears ringing with gunshots and names shouted in anguish, but right now, the entire world is as quiet as it could be. Yoongi and Jimin hate it.
Their night ends there because Jimin has to go back to their territory and Yoongi to his. Because love does not erase the different sides of the war, love does nothing to merge them and make them one. Because the presence of love does not equate to the end of war.
However, war can end love, that much is true. It doesn't really matter if they are both a warrior, if they've both lost so much because you're going to keep losing as long as you love.
Yoongi knows as much as he kneels in the middle of the battlefield the morning after. There is no blue in the sky, only black smoke that fades to grey. It takes him a long amount of time to realize that the loudest screams he's hearing are coming from him. Yoongi has never felt so much pain before that the longer he is breathing, the more it hurts. It's tangible, he can feel it pulling at his intestines, clawing at his heart, gripping around his throat. If he tries hard enough maybe he can pull it off him. The pain.
He probably could determine whether Jimin was dead or alive from the slightest indication of the rise in his chest from a meter away. Yoongi hoped it never comes to that.
But Yoongi should've known it's never the right idea to hope in a war.
No one pays him mind because the white flag of surrender is still up and for a long time, somewhere deep in his subconscious, Yoongi knows it will stay up.
No one pays him mind because the war just ended, and isn't that what's everyone been fighting for? Been killing for? Been slowly dying for?
No.
No.
For Yoongi, no.
For Yoongi, what he's been fighting for, killing for, dying for, and somewhere distant, living for, is Jimin. And Jimin is dead. Just a few meters away from him. He's dead, Yoongi knows. Because Yoongi can determine whether or not Jimin is dead just from the simplest indication of the rise of his chest. Or maybe his missing torso. Or the gaping bullet hole at his temple.
Jimin is dead.
The war just ended and Jimin is dead.
Park Jimin did get to see the end of the war. He was the very end of it.