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Buck propped his chin in his hands, gazing to the line at the front of Sammy’s Sandwiches. Tommy’s coiffed hair peeked up from the front of the line where he was ordering Buck’s cheesesteak and his own turkey sub. It was one PM on a Thursday, and Buck had a 24 hour shift starting in 90 minutes, whereas Tommy had just clocked out of the hangar for the day— just enough time to squeeze in a lunch date before their hectic lives whisked them apart again.
A date.
A lunch date. Not a first-date-dinner-date, but the kind you had to know each other’s schedules for, the kind reserved for people growing comfortable in each other’s lives, the kind where you met at a familiar place to discuss familiar things.
Because Tommy was becoming… present, in Buck’s life. It had been two weeks since they first got beers together, which, sure, wasn’t really very long, but it wouldn’t be Buck’s shortest relationship if things went south now. Not that Tommy was his boyfriend, not that they’d defined anything— Buck was still wrapping his head around going out with a guy.
It wasn’t really different, he thought, staring into the middle distance from his cramped table in the corner of the deli. It was the same whirlwind of emotions that he’d had at the beginning with Ali, and Taylor, and Natalia. The same deep-rooted fear that he’d screw it up like he had with each of them. The same—
“One Philly cheesesteak, plus one pickle spear.”
Tommy’s voice cut through Buck’s spiraling inner monologue, the tray bearing sandwiches and a solitary pickle spear clattering on the table between them.
“Kinard, you are a lifesaver,” Buck groaned, sandwich already in his hands and halfway to his mouth.
“Nah, I’m not on the clock.” Tommy tucked into his own lunch and pressed his foot against Buck’s under the table.
It still caught Buck by surprise sometimes, those little displays of affection peppered into what, hardly several weeks ago, could have been a typical outing with a friend. But he texted Tommy goodnight with a heart last night, they held hands on the way into the deli, and they’d part with a kiss before Buck headed to the firehouse.
It made his heart flutter, honestly. It was so new, in more ways than one.
“No interesting saves today, then?”
“Picked up a hiker that slid off the trail, then thought we were gonna have to do a search and rescue down by the river, but the ground team got to her before we could lift off.” A stray piece of lettuce stuck to Tommy’s chin. Buck thought absentmindedly that he wished he could sweep it off with his thumb, and then that, oh yeah, he’s allowed to do that, so he did.
“So just an ordinary day?” Buck smirked as he reached across the table, and Tommy’s cheeks definitely tinged pink as his hand brushed his chin.
New. Heart fluttering. Et cetera.
They made small talk and flirted and laughed as they finished their lunch, and Buck beamed the whole way through.
Tommy wiped the crumbs off his hands and tossed his balled-up napkin on the tray. “So when can I see you again, Evan? The 118 is stealing you away for the next 24 hours.” He pulled a face of exaggerated pain and heartbreak, drawing something embarrassingly akin to a giggle from Buck.
“You around this weekend? I got the whole two days off.”
“I gotta be at the hangar on Saturday, but I’m yours for the evening.”
That gave Buck pause. He distinctly remembered penciling in a Diaz boys hangout for Saturday night. “Sorry, T, I’m actually Eddie’s that night. I promised to take Chris bowling, and… you know I’m in hot water if I break a promise to that kid.”
Tommy chuckled, ducking his head. “Yeah, can’t have you in the doghouse with Eddie again. Not while he’s still on crutches.”
“Oh, I don’t mean Eddie,” Buck said seriously. “Christopher can hold a grudge like nobody’s business. He’ll whoop my ass at Mario Kart until I’m begging for mercy.”
“Sunday, then. You’re mine on Sunday.”
Buck smiled. “Yeah. Yours.”
+
He walked into the firehouse glowing under the warm April sun, and he felt smug being the only one in on his own secret. The rest of the 118 didn’t know about the shift in his relationship with Tommy yet, and he was joyously anticipating the moment he could see the reactions on their faces. He wasn’t hiding it from them, per-se, just wanted to bask in it on his own for a little while longer. Hen was the first he ran into as he headed towards the lockers.
“What’s got the sun shining out of your ass, Buckley?” she questioned, eyebrows raised as her gaze followed him into the locker room.
“Me? Well…” Buck drawled, teasing. “I actually just got back from a date.” He plunked himself down on the bench and smiled up at her.
“A date? Evan.” Hen’s voice was reprimanding. “You just ended things with that… what’s her face. Death doula. Has anyone you’ve been with not been a rebound?”
“Hey, two months does not make him a rebound,” Buck quipped back, glancing up at Hen as he unlaced his sneakers.
Her mouth hung slightly open, and suddenly the whirr of the A/C seemed obtrusively loud. Had he just…?
She stared at him for a moment, and Buck felt the prickle of an embarrassed heat climbing his neck. Oops.
“I’m happy for you, Buckaroo,” Hen said with a soft smile. A knowing smile, Buck thought, the kind that meant money might be exchanging hands later, however genuine she might be.
“I didn’t— um, I wasn’t planning— if you could, uh, hold onto that for the time being…” he trailed off, biting his lip and looking up at her with pleading eyes.
“Sure. You set the pace for this, Evan, it’s no one’s place but yours.”
That alarmingly gentle smile stayed on her face as she turned from the locker room, and Buck almost wished she would’ve ribbed on him a little— he felt vulnerable, being taken so seriously. Shaking his slip-up from his mind, he kicked his shoes off and grabbed his uniform from his locker. He was doing up the buttons on his shirt when Eddie ambled into the room— not still on crutches, thank you very much, Tommy.
“Eddie! Hey, uh, how did Chris’ algebra quiz go? He had that yesterday, right?”
Eddie laughed, shaking his head and rolling his eyes. “Seeing as I haven’t hacked into his teacher’s grade book, I wouldn’t know yet, Buck.” He rooted in his locker for his uniform, pulling off his shirt in one fluid motion. Buck kept his eyes on Eddie’s face without even having to think about it. Well. Maybe noticing that he didn’t think about it counted as thinking about it. “Hey, what’s Hen’s deal? She was walking out of here looking pensive as hell.”
“Isn’t that just, like, Hen on the regular?” Buck answered.
“…Okay, yeah. Still, looked like she just got let in on a secret.”
Buck had slipped up with Hen, but he did not want to have this conversation with Eddie now. The news that his two best friends were seeing each other— and that Buck would even be seeing a man in the first place— needed to be delivered a little more delicately.
“Well, if she was, it wasn’t mine,” Buck evaded easily. “Maybe Chim is pregnant or something.”
“Yeah, don’t even joke like that, you know your sister doesn’t need a second kid running around. Hey, we’re still on for Saturday, right?”
“Oh, you betcha. Gotta dust off my bowling shoes, you are not gonna believe the spin I can put on a- a…”
“Yeah, name one bowling move— and I know for a fact you do not have bowling shoes, I Mari Kondo’d your closet with you last month.” Eddie finished tying his laces and stood. “Come on, let’s go see if Chim is pregnant.”
Buck’s laugh echoed off the walls as he followed Eddie up into the loft, his glow feeling even brighter.
+
The bowling alley Chris had chosen was a youth-y sort of place, all neon lights and slick surfaces. Buck did not, in fact, own bowling shoes, and so stood in line with Eddie and Chris to rent a pair of beat up ones. He would have anyway, even if he owned the best bowling shoes in the world. Nothing in the world would keep him from the Diaz boys’ sides.
“Hey, can we get, uh, two size elevens and a kids’ seven?” Buck smiled at the teenager behind the counter. The kid and the rest of them were cast in a dim purple light, the kind that made Eddie’s white t-shirt glow. Eddie was giving him a funny sort of smile, but the kid was putting the shoes on the counter and Buck had to turn away to grab his.
“C’mon, Chris, you ready to kick my butt?” Buck grinned down at Chris, who beamed right back up. God, that kid was gonna be the death of him; Buck lived for the way his eyes squinted when he smiled.
“Yours and dad’s!” Chris taunted back.
“Oh, mine too? You don’t think I know my way around a bowling ball?” Eddie protested, leading the way to their lane where the three began to change into the bowling shoes.
“Nope!”
Buck caught Eddie’s eye— his own all-encompassing joy and comfort was reflected back at him. It was how this little family made him feel, and if he thought too hard about that feeling being reciprocated, he’d be out of commission for a week.
“Alright, all suited up and ready to roll?” Eddie asked, rising and grabbing a blue ball from the ball return.
“Ha, roll,” Buck said dryly as he stood and bumped Eddie’s shoulder with his own. Chris crowed from behind him.
“Watch and learn, Buck,” Eddie said smoothly. He took a step backwards towards the lane, spun on his heel, and crouched into the throw, the ball soaring down the lane with pinpoint accuracy. It crashed into the pins, leaving all but one in the corner standing.
“Whoo!” Eddie cheered, facing Buck and Chris and doing a little fist pump.
“Eh, it’s definitely harder to hit just one pin. It’d be better if you did worse, really.” Buck quirked his lips up into a teasing smile.
“Exactly, dad,” Chris jeered.
“Not when you know how to do… this!” Eddie threw the ball with a flick of his wrist, and it curved down the lane in a graceful arc, falling into the gutter at the last second.
Buck and Chris cheered. “I thought you were gonna take us both down, mijo, why’s it look like you’re ganging up on me now?” Eddie whined, feigning hurt.
“Come on, Eds, you know Chris and I are always on the same team,” Buck said with a grin, stepping just into Eddie’s personal space and taking his place at the lane.
“Go Buck!” Chris yelled as Buck selected a purple ball.
“The mutiny, I swear…” Eddie ruffled Chris’ hair and sat back down. Buck bowled a strike on his first try, and then he was standing behind Chris, holding him steady and helping him support the ball.
“Do not help me aim,” Chris said emphatically. “Just make it roll.”
“I wouldn’t dream of it, buddy,” Buck assured, letting Chris guide his hand back, releasing the ball with him on the upswing. It took out a good half of the pins, Chris letting out a yes! as Eddie cheered him on from behind.
“Alright, Buckaroo, time to sit down, it’s cheating if you help for both turns.” Eddie clapped buck on the back as he took his place steadying Chris. Chris knocked the rest of the pins down on his second turn, making a spare and leaving Eddie in the dust.
As they cycled through their turns, Buck found himself entranced by the way the neon lights bathed the scene— Eddie, the way he glowed under the colors, Chris, how the light caught on his glasses. Buck’s heart was full to bursting, the way it always was with the Diaz boys, and god, he loved them. He was so lucky to keep this and Tommy.
The game ended the way it started: Buck in first, Chris close behind, and Eddie coming in last. Buck raised his hands for a high-five from Chris as the final scores displayed on screen, exclaiming, “Yeah! We whooped him!” Eddie chuckled and rolled his eyes, half-heartedly punching Buck on the shoulder.
“Yeah, yeah, maybe you do know some bowling moves. Wanna come back to our place for a beer?”
“Always.” Buck grinned.
“Sleepover! Sleepover!” Chris chanted, gathering his crutches.
“Ahh… not tonight, buddy, I gotta be somewhere tomorrow.” Buck smiled apologetically.
“Where you gotta be on a Sunday morning?” Eddie asked, incredulous, but Buck was already leading the way back to the parking lot. It still felt pleasant outside, one of those early spring days where 60 degrees teetered on the side of warm. The outside world felt washed out after the oversaturated neon lights of the bowling alley, but the glow emanating from Buck’s heart felt like enough to color it all brighter than ever.
+
Back at the Diaz house, Buck kicked back on Eddie’s sofa, feet on his coffee table, Coors Light in hand. Chris was safely tucked in bed down the hall, with the promise that Buck would come back to hang out as soon as possible. Something Buck wasn’t familiar with was on the TV, some adult cartoon that Eddie had picked at random. The volume was low, though, and Buck was paying more attention to Eddie emphatically recounting his time as the dispatch Twitter account holder.
“I’m not even kidding, she slid into the DMs! Of a faceless Twitter account! What’s there to even go on, was I, like, reporting traffic accidents with too much lust?”
Buck chortled into his beer at that. “Yeah, you just can’t help being a womanizer, Diaz. They can’t get their claws off you.”
“Ugh, don’t even say that. I am perfectly happy with it just being me and Chris right now.”
“Guess I’ll take my beers and go, then,” Buck said, playfully affronted.
Eddie smiled, shaking his head. “You’re included in that, Buck, how many more ways can I make that clear to you?”
And that was the thing, wasn’t it, that squeezed at Buck’s heart and made everything else fall away? That inherent belonging, no strings attached, no questions raised. That this was his little family, too. He ducked his head, peeling at the label on his bottle, because it made him emotional when he thought about it too hard. No matter what else, he had a home.
Eddie was smiling at him in that same way from the bowling alley, amused and fond and some other layer that Buck couldn’t pin down. Before he could begin pondering it further, though, the TV screen went dark, the Hulu are you still watching? message displayed.
Buck pulled his phone from his pocket, glanced at the time, and sighed. “It’s after midnight, Eds, I better get back to my place.”
“Seriously, what are you doing on a Sunday morning? The Buck I know sleeps until one PM on his days off.”
The only lie Buck’s brain supplied him with was that he’d be going to church, which was just not a hole he was willing to dig himself into right now. “I’m, uh, hanging out with Tommy.” Innocuous enough.
Eddie smiled. “I’m glad you guys are friends now. What’re you guys doing that you have to get up early for?”
Ack. “It’s not, like, specifically a morning thing. It’s more like… an all day thing.”
That incredulous look was back on Eddie’s face. “You? All day? With Tommy?”
“Yeah, we’ve been hanging out more, and it’s, uh… nice.” Nice?? Yeah, he supposed Tommy’s tongue down his throat and hand in his back pocket and mouth all over his body was nice. Jesus Christ.
Eddie was looking at him weird now. “Okay… well, have fun, I guess, doing… whatever it is you’re doing. Let me know if you want a third.”
Buck did not mean to slam his beer down on the table. “Haha, ha, yep, yeah, I’ll let you know if, uh… yeah. I’ll let you know.” He was standing now, car keys already in his hand. Way to be normal, Buckley, he thought to himself. No way he picks up on anything now, and that’s if Hen hasn’t already started rumors.
He headed to his car, leaving Eddie sitting on the sofa with a head full of unanswered questions.
+
Buck was being weird.
Eddie lay in his bed, hands laced on his chest, staring perturbedly up at the ceiling. A streetlight shining through the blinds illuminated a strip directly above him, a slash of light through the shadowy expanse. The house was quiet, especially without the anticipated sounds of a snoring Buck on his sofa.
He’d practically run after admitting that the reason he couldn’t sleep over was because he was hanging out with Tommy— and it really had felt like an admission. What was his deal? It seemed like Buck had been spending time with him more and more lately, but not in a way that interrupted his time with Eddie until now.
Eddie huffed and turned onto his side, ignoring the sour feeling trying to claw its way into his senses. Whatever. Buck could be all cagey and weird about hanging out with his new friend if he wanted to. Maybe he was just embarrassed to be seen with the guy after his jealous spell a few weeks ago.
In the morning, Eddie fired off a friendly say hi to Tommy for me text. It went unanswered all day.
+
“And then he jabbed me with his crutch, the- the- the rascal!” Buck poked Tommy in the shoulder to emphasize, leaning into him. They were sprawled on the sectional in Tommy’s (rather nice, pilot money was real) apartment, and Buck had been recounting his favorite Chris anecdotes for the better part of the last thirty minutes.
Beers and a helicopter ride behind them, and a Muay Thai lesson on the books, today was reserved for lounging and swapping stories together. All of Buck’s stories that weren’t from work involved Eddie and Chris— and a fair share of the ones that were from work did, too.
Tommy laughed, poking Buck back. “That kid is something else, for real. He worships you, man.”
“Nah, I’m definitely the worshipper in this scenario. He’s, like, the best thing in my life.”
Tommy fake pouted. “The best thing?”
“Yup, first place, no contesters,” Buck confirmed, leaning back, goading.
“I’ll just have to make it a contest then,” Tommy countered, and then his lips were on Buck’s, and oh, this really wasn’t getting old. The first kiss in his loft had been a surprise, had been quick, just a test of the waters. But now, when they had whole languid days to themselves, he could take his time, concentrate on Tommy’s hand on the back of his head, let himself be pressed into the sofa. It was different, obviously, than kissing a woman, but the main difference had nothing to do with that— the main difference was that Buck felt cared for. He wasn’t fighting a one-sided battle for affection that didn’t end with clothes coming off, or taking off his own clothes just to feel a modicum of intimacy. They’d had sex, yeah, but it didn’t feel like Tommy was using Buck to get sex, it felt like he was using sex to get Buck.
(Tommy had taken on a leading roll that first time, thinking he’d have to gently guide Buck through the motions. Buck had laughed at him then, and Tommy, puzzled, had queried, “But I thought I was your first date with a guy?”
“Yeah, uh, my first date,” Buck had emphasized, somewhere between shyly and slyly. “Buck 1.0 was… an ‘anything that moves’ kinda guy.”
Tommy had been less gentle with him after that.)
Tommy pulled back to look at Buck, and Buck felt that pull in his heart that made everything feel right. There had been this invisible question mark hanging over him for god knows how long, and this, Tommy, had made it almost entirely disappear. There was a teeny sliver still cast in that shadow, but Buck thought he could feel it growing smaller every time Tommy kissed him. He cast his mind far away from that sliver and pulled Tommy back down onto him.
+
A pale evening light cast Tommy’s apartment in a feeble glow, barely illuminating the scene. Buck blinked the sleep out of his eyes; he was laying with his face pressed in Tommy’s lap, and he felt a hand scratching circles in his hair. An old Star Trek episode played on the TV.
He wriggled himself onto his back, and Tommy smiled down at him.
“I told you you’d think it was boring.”
Buck yawned through a grin, basking in Tommy’s gaze. “Hey, ’m not bored, just sleepy. Spock is awesome.”
“Riiight. Mm-hmm. I hear you.”
Heaving himself into a sitting position, Buck scrubbed a hand across his eyes, letting the rest of the room come into focus. “I was up late at Eddie’s last night. Didn’t get home until, like, one.”
Tommy shook his head in mock disbelief. “You felt all insecure with me and him hanging out, but I’ve never been at his house until one in the morning.”
“Usually I sleep over! I was just planning ahead so I could be here on time.”
Tommy pecked a kiss on the side of his head. “I’ve never had a ‘sleepover’ with him either. I think you’re number one in both our hearts, Buck. You at least see why I was surprised it was my attention you were after?”
Buck gaped at him. “Huh?”
“Your… week of insecurity. I was kind of taken aback you were fishing for my attention and not Eddie’s.”
“Eddie’s? Why would I want Eddie’s attention?” It felt like Tommy was trying to jam a puzzle piece in his brain that was a shape Buck had never even heard of.
“Well… I just thought…” It seemed like Tommy was being careful with his words. “Sleepovers, and Chris, and acting all territorial… I kind of thought he was destined to be your gay awakening, not me.”
Buck let out a strangled almost-laugh. “Ah-ha ha. Eddie. My best friend Eddie. You thought I was, what, into him?”
Tommy put his hands up with a chuckle. “Yeah, sue me, I thought you were into the guy you never shut up about!”
“Who’s jealous now?” Buck said smugly, smirking, changing the topic.
“Hey, no jealousy here. I’ve got you right where I want you.” With that, he tugged Buck onto his lap, hands on his waist. Straddling him now, Buck kissed him, and kissed him, and kissed him, pushing that sliver far into the depths of his mind. This was right. Everything about it was right. He had it right.
+
It was Monday morning, a fresh blue sky the backdrop to the A shift making their way into the firehouse. Eddie bumped shoulders with Buck as he traipsed up the stairs to the kitchen, following the smell of french toast and the chatter of voices.
Bobby stood at the stove, a whisk in one hand and a spatula in the other, presiding over pan of sizzling bread and mixing another batch of batter. Hen and Chim faced off across the island, both with hands braced on the counter.
Chim raised his hands in an I’m innocent here gesture. “I’m not complaining, I just don’t know what bet you’re paying me off for.”
“I told you, Chim, it’s a secret for the time being,” Hen was saying. She shot a furtive look at Buck, who had frozen up beside Eddie.
“Okay, is it… did Denny say I’m his favorite firefighter?”
“Chim—”
“Did you get Athena to give you that picture of Bobby?” Bobby’s head turned, a bemused look on his face. “Oh! Oh! I know! Buck—” Eddie saw Buck’s hand clench on the railing “—beat you at arm wrestling!” Chim slapped the counter in glee.
“You guys have a bet on that?” Buck said incredulously, stepping forward into the kitchen, Eddie trailing behind him.
“Yeah, and I’m rooting for you, Buckaroo,” Chim winked at Buck, clapping him on the back and snatching his mystery twenty off the counter. “Seriously, Hen, what bet did I forget?”
“Uh, yeah, Hen, I could totally take you in arm wrestling!” Buck blurted, jumping like he’d been stuck with a pin. It was Eddie’s turn to shoot him a look, a the hell is up with you? look.
“I’ll believe it when I see it, and right now, it is time for breakfast,” Bobby cut in, setting down two plates piled with french toast. The team swarmed the table, clamoring for the best pieces before most of them were even fully seated. Eddie took his typical place next to Buck and tucked into his breakfast, the sound of cutlery clinking and scraping filling the room.
“What’s going on with you, Buck?” Eddie asked under his breath, nudging his foot against Buck’s under the table.
“What?” Buck said loudly, and put a huge forkful of toast in his mouth.
Eddie sighed. The line between Buck being oblivious and Buck weaponizing his obliviousness was becoming thin these days. “You’re avoiding something, and I don’t even know what it is.”
“Me? What am I avoiding?” Buck swallowed and busied himself with a gulp of orange juice.
“Exactly, Buck, what is it?” Eddie hissed, a pleading edge creeping into his voice. It wasn’t that serious, right? He was getting worked up over nothing? “You’re holing up all day with Tommy and dodging my texts and now you’re sitting on something and won’t tell me what it is.”
His voice had risen slightly above a hiss, and he caught Hen sliding her eyes towards them. Buck, looking like a deer in headlights, opened his mouth— just in time for the bell to go off. The team groaned and shoved final bites of breakfast into their mouths as they rose, Bobby’s orders echoing over the ruckus.
Buck was the first down the stairs.
+
Too many hours later, the team was piling out of the fire engines as the sun sank in the sky outside. Eddie swiped his hand across his forehead as he hopped down onto the concrete, and it came away sooty. A stabbing incident followed by a motorcycle collision followed by a vehicle fire had left them all wiped. Leaning against the cool exterior of the ladder truck, Eddie huffed out a breath and wiped his sooty hands on his pants, watching the others disembark and head towards the showers. Buck hopped out of the driver seat, slamming the door behind him and looking at his phone, a smile on his face.
Eddie pounced. “What’s got you all smiley, lover boy?”
Buck whirled around, phone clutched to his chest. He had a smudge of soot on his cheek, and the tip of his nose was blackened, too. Something squirmed in Eddie’s chest.
“N-nothing, what’d you see?”
“Relax, Buck, I didn’t see anything.” Eddie smiled, but he could tell it wasn’t reaching his eyes. Being held at arm’s length from Buck stung.
Buck seemed to sense this, because he relaxed from his defensive position. “I was just, uh, making plans with Tommy. We’re grabbing dinner tonight,” he relented.
Eddie felt like he’d been let in and let down at the same time. “Tommy, huh? You guys are really close now.” He could feel the edge creeping into his voice and he didn’t like it— there was nothing wrong with Buck getting another friend, hell, they’d just been over this in the reverse. Why couldn’t the three of them be friends without middle school levels of jealousy? “He why you ghosted me yesterday, too?” Jesus, Diaz, shut it!
Buck gaped at him, and Eddie wished the ground would open up beneath his feet. What was coming over him?
Clearing his throat, Buck started, “Yeah, I was with him. You’re right, we’re getting closer.”
He shifted, and he and Eddie were facing each other, bracketed by the alley the fire engines were creating on either side of them. Buck looked scared.
“Buck, what—”
“We’re going out.” He blurted the words out with his eyes shut, and it was Eddie’s turn to gape. “Me and Tommy. We’ve been going out. Like, on dates.”
“Buck,” Eddie breathed, and stepped closer to him. Buck’s eyes were open now, and, fuck, he looked terrified. This was what Eddie’d been biting his head off over? He swallowed down that thing squirming in his chest again and took Buck by the shoulder. “Buck, that is amazing. I’m serious. I, I—” at a loss for words, he pulled him into a hug, and Buck gripped him back immediately. His nose was pressed into Eddie’s neck, and all Eddie could think was that he was going to have a soot smudge there now.
Buck pulled away first. “Eddie… I-I’m sorry I didn’t tell you s—”
“No. No, stop right there, Buck, because this is your thing on your terms. It is my privilege to be let in.”
Buck looked suspiciously watery, and sounded even more so when he huffed out a laugh. “That’s almost exactly what Hen said to me.”
“Hold on a sec, Hen knew before me?!”
They both laughed then, Buck protesting, “It was an accident, I swear!” Eddie’s hands had found their way to Buck’s forearms at some point, and, god, it felt good to be close to him again. They hadn’t really been apart, but it was as if a giant chasm had just whooshed shut between them, bringing Buck so much closer to him than he’d been before.
Buck seemed to sense this, because he dropped his forehead to rest on Eddie’s shoulder. Eddie could feel tears dampening his shirt, and he ran a soothing hand up Buck’s back.
“Tommy, huh?”
Buck laughed wetly. “Yeah, Tommy. He’s pretty great, isn’t he?”
Eddie grinned. “Oh, the coolest.”
Buck drew away for real then, and Eddie resisted the pull to step back into his space, to bask in this moment.
“He’s not replacing you, Eddie, no one could ever do that,” he said, gesticulating emphatically. “You, you and Chris, you’re— god, Eddie, everything to me.”
“No one’s replacing anyone,” Eddie agreed. Buck heaved a big sniff, and his own eyes were certainly no longer dry. “C’mon, let’s go get cleaned up. You got sooty tears running down your face.” He clapped Buck on the shoulder, and they began heading towards the showers. Eddie pressed down that squirming part of his chest, a tiny wedge of him that was not happier knowing Buck’s secret.
+
Buck barely remembered the drive to the hangar after work. He was walking on air, he felt so much lighter; the glow he felt emanating from his chest was surely blinding. His best friend could see him.
He ran from his Jeep to where Tommy stood wiping down a helicopter under the orange sky, because walking wouldn’t get him there fast enough. He’d intended to throw his arms around Tommy from behind, but the slap of his shoes on concrete echoing around wasn’t exactly subtle, so he crashed straight into his arms on impact, instead.
“Buck! I didn’t know you were stopping by, I thought I was coming to your place!” Tommy looked so genuinely happy to see him. God, he could fly around the world right now.
“Surprise visit,” Buck grinned, and it felt like his face was gonna split in two.
“Well, color me surprised.” Tommy pressed a kiss to Buck’s mouth, then stepped back and took him in. “You look like you’re about to take off faster than a chopper, what’s the good news?”
“I… told Eddie about us.” The words came out of Buck in a rush before he could stop to consider the implications. “I-I mean, shoot, should I have asked you first? I’m sorry, I’m still—”
Tommy shushed him. “Buck, it’s fine, my closet’s made of glass. That is incredible, I’m so glad he’s on the same page.”
“Yeah… yeah, he was awesome, I mean, it was…” God, Buck felt like he could cry all over again just thinking about it. “Eddie’s my family, you know? I need him to see all of me. Everything just feels… right, now.” Buck ignored the stubborn sliver that seemed to demand his attention just then.
He heaved a sigh and plunked down on the step of the chopper Tommy was working on, gazing up at the pink clouds streaking the sky, the first stars starting to become visible if he tipped his head back. Tommy threw his rag over his shoulder and settled down beside him.
“Eddie’s really important to you, huh?”
A plane cut slowly across the sky in Buck’s field of vision, blinking red, white, red, white. “Yeah. He’s my best friend, I’d do anything for him. And Chris, god, I love that kid. Did you know Eddie put me in his will to get custody of Chris if he dies?”
Something passed over Tommy’s face, and he took Buck’s hand, studying him.
“Buck…”
“Do you wanna try that Chinese place for dinner? ‘Cause they’ve got soup dumplings and you know I’ve been wanting to try those.” Suddenly soup dumplings were the most important thing in the world, because Tommy was looking at him like he was about to say something that would make the clouds less pink, the air less warm, Buck’s glow a little dimmer. Something that would pick at that little sliver in his chest.
“Buck, do you think maybe you have it wrong?” His voice was so gentle.
“Wrong? Wh-what do you mean, what’s there to get wrong?” Eddie told him his obliviousness was a front sometimes, and he threw it up as a shield now. Everything was right.
“I told you before I kissed you that I was surprised you meant me. I told you why the other day. Did you… think about that at all?”
“Of course not. Tommy, I like you. Eddie, he’s…”
“Buck, he’s me. Or, I don’t know, I’m him. I’m the safe him, the one you can kiss without the fear of messing anything up.”
Buck shook his head. “No, but this is right. I finally got it right.” There was a desperate edge creeping into his voice, he could tell.
Tommy smiled at him, sympathetic, just on the edge of hurt. “You did, Buck. I think your aim’s just bad.”
“But… this is perfect.” He was lighting match after match, holding them to his chest, trying to keep the light alive.
“Is it? Or is it scratching just to the left of an itch?”
Buck sat, silent, under the darkening sky. “Why are you even bringing this up to me?”
“Because you’re a good guy. And so is Eddie. And… I wanna spare myself a broken heart down the line.”
Buck looked at him, beseeching. “Tommy, I would never— I don’t wanna hurt you.”
Tommy slid his hand onto Buck’s cheek. “I know. That’s why I’m asking you to think about this. Just… take a few days and work through it. No matter what you come up with on the other side, it’s okay.”
Buck felt his eyes becoming wet for the second time that day, and Tommy must have noticed too, because he was pulling Buck into a hug, awkward as it was perched on the edge of the helicopter. They sat like this for a moment, and Buck felt ferociously guilty. But soon Tommy was nudging him, and drying his eyes with his thumbs, and saying, “Go home, Buck. Look in your heart. I’ll be here.” And Buck obediently pressed a kiss to his head, rose, and began the walk back to his Jeep.
He hardly remembered his journey home, for what felt like a more somber reason than barely an hour earlier. He felt as though he was standing still in place, with the world moving around him, putting him behind the wheel, depositing him at his front door, tucking him into bed. He dreamed he was lifting weights, and they kept getting heavier and heavier, and Eddie’s back was to him, and Tommy was whispering in his ear look in your heart. Look in your heart.
+
Buck called in sick the next day. He didn’t think he’d ever done that in his life, but he also genuinely didn’t think he could face Eddie right now. Eddie, who had no idea he was throwing Buck’s life asunder without so much as lifting a finger. It was a bright, blue day outside, birds chirping and bees buzzing and every other metaphorical indicator of love and rebirth and whatever the hell else. Buck really did feel like he was coming down with a cold at the prospect of confronting that solitary, unsatisfied splinter in his heart, and he resolved to stay holed up in his apartment all day, if only to make his sick day story more believable.
He dutifully made breakfast of a bagel and cream cheese, keeping his mind resolutely blank. The bagel tasted like cardboard and sat like a rock in his stomach, and nausea began to wash over him. What are you so scared of in your own head, Buckley?
He vacuumed. He made his bed. He played a round of Fortnite (it wasn’t fun without Chris). He had a lunch of power greens. He read a chapter of that war book Eddie had lent him. He tidied the mess of shoes by his front door, and amid the pile was a pair of Chris’ sneakers and the house slippers that Eddie kept there.
God, they were everywhere in his life, weren’t they?
The enormity of that sentiment washed over Buck like a physical force, and he dropped from his crouch by the shoe rack to his knees. Everywhere he looked, there was a piece of Eddie.
Tommy didn’t know what he was talking about. Tommy had nothing to go on.
But Chris’ drawings were on the fridge, and Eddie’s favorite granola bar snack was in the cupboard, and he was Buck’s emergency contact in his phone, and Buck was Chris’ goddamn dad in Eddie’s will.
Eddie would always come first, wouldn’t he? He already had. Eddie plans trumped all else, every time.
He stared at the slipper in his hand, not really seeing it. If it was a choice between Eddie and Tommy, who would he choose? Well… Eddie, but that wasn’t really fair, he’d known Tommy for a fraction of the time. He wanted to get to know Tommy the way he knew Eddie.
Or is Tommy a placeholder for what you can’t have with Eddie? the sliver of uncertainty in his chest said.
No, Tommy wasn’t a placeholder for anything! He was great, he was cool, he was Buck’s big fucking gay awakening, did that not count for something? How could he get something like this wrong? Buck tossed the slipper aside and stood, abandoning the half-organized shoe pile.
I think your aim’s just bad.
What if… his feelings were right, but misplaced? He’d been repressing feelings for a guy in his life, and Tommy was the unintentional target? Was he really capable of that magnitude of transference?
Buck was pacing around the apartment now. Why are you asking these questions?! the sliver demanded. Its voice felt much stronger now. Stop beating around the bush! Ask the real question!
Are you in love with Eddie Diaz?
“I don’t know!” Buck practically yelled aloud, hands going to his hair and gripping. This was insane, all of this, crazy, ridiculous, unfounded. In what world was he yearning after his best friend, unbeknownst to anyone but fucking Tommy? Why did this have to be happening now, when he already had something good?
Maybe it only could’ve happened now.
Well… if it was true, maybe he would’ve needed this kick in the ass for everything to fall into place. Maybe this was the path he needed to be on for something really, truly right.
Are you in love with Eddie Diaz?
He loved Eddie, that was certain. As certain as the sun rising or Chris beating him at Mario Kart. That was a fact of his life.
Buck made his way to his couch and collapsed onto it. “But I love everyone in the 118,” he murmured to the ceiling.
He could practically hear his inner voice scoff. Get real. Okay, yeah, Eddie was very different from Hen or Chim or Bobby. He couldn’t fool himself about that one. He wasn’t in anyone else’s will. The sliver didn’t feel much like a sliver now, and it was feeling less and less like the familiar doubt and dissatisfaction with every passing second.
Okay, how did he figure out if he was in love with Eddie? What would change? He already practically had a drawer of things at Eddie’s house, he already saw himself in Eddie’s life until death did them part, he already did most everything he did with Tommy with Eddie, minus, like, the kissing and touching and sex.
Okay. Start there.
He closed his eyes, laid back on his couch, and imagined holding Eddie’s hand.
Something exploded inside his chest. The sliver expanded like air rushing into a balloon, ripping through Buck’s core and leaving room for nothing else. YES, it seemed to be yelling, YES! His eyes were clenched shut so hard he was seeing tiny fireworks behind them; his skin felt alive with electricity, every part of him was tensed to breaking point. A runaway rollercoaster going a million miles an hour, an explosive flashover in a house fire, standing on the tip of a spinning top not able to let go, jumping into freefall—
Slowly, Buck opened his eyes. He could barely catch his breath. Okay. That was… fuck, okay.
Maybe he was in love with Eddie.
Jesus, just picturing holding his hand was enough to make Buck feel like he’d just taken a party drug? The hell kind of repression level had he been on? If that’s what hand holding did, what would happen if Buck imagined kissing—?
It was like a total sensory white out. He jolted up from the couch as if he’d been shocked, turning helplessly in place. His brain was helpfully stringing together sentences that sounded like a fish flopping out of water. He walked aimlessly into the kitchen, leaned his elbows on the counter, put his head in his hands. He was panting, he was shaking, god, he’d been right to take the day off. If he saw Eddie like this, surely he’d go up in flames.
Eddie.
What the hell did he do now?
+
Eddie scowled into his coffee cup. There was no big firehouse breakfast this morning, and he’d tossed and turned last night instead of sleeping, mulling Buck’s revelation over. The rest of the team was caught up with him and Hen now, Buck had spilled the beans to them after being emboldened by his confession to Eddie. There was a cheery sort of mood in the air; the lightheartedness brought on by Buck’s announcement was contagious.
“Who peed in your cheerios, Edmundo?” Chim shot at him, clattering around in the cupboards for a mug. “Put a smile on your face, we’re all happy that Buck is finally getting dicked down.”
Do not picture that. Eddie bowed his head further over his coffee as Hen squawked at Chimney admonishingly.
“Where is Buck, anyway?” Eddie asked. Anything to steer the conversation away from that territory. And, yeah, actually, where was he? Eddie felt like he was seeing him less and less on their days off, the least he could do was show up for work.
Bobby sipped from his mug, leaning against the counter. “He called in sick this morning. We’ll be down a man today.”
Eddie frowned at him incredulously. “Buck called in sick? Did it sound like he had a gun to his head?”
“Probably just playing hooky to go on a date with his new boyfriend,” Chim said helpfully, accentuating the word boyfriend with a sing-song voice. Eddie glared at him.
“Now, I’m sure Buck wouldn’t do that,” Bobby said, setting his mug down, looking uncertain. “He must really be under the weather if he voluntarily called in.”
“This is the guy that sued the city to come back to work while he was on blood thinners?” Disbelief dripped from Chim’s tone. “Cap, are we talking about the same guy?”
Eddie privately agreed with him. What would make Buck not come to work? Hen was looking at Chim like she had a new idea for a bet— a bet that Eddie did not want to know about. “I’ll check in on him, make sure everything’s okay,” he announced to the group at large, pulling out his phone and firing off a text to Buck.
The conversation dissipated after that, everyone peeling off to their respective duties, and Eddie found himself thinking that if Buck’s absence had anything to do with Tommy, he really, really did not want to know.
+
Texts from Eddie had pinged Buck’s phone throughout the day, and he resolutely did not look at them beyond sending an I’m contagious, don’t come by warning. He could not risk Eddie coming to check on him right now. Like, bottom five things he needed ever this week.
It was going on midnight, and he’d spent the last twelve or so hours pacing his apartment like a caged animal, combing over every interaction he’d ever had with Eddie in his mind. Every movie night, every shift, every time they’d bumped shoulders or knees or hands. Had he let it show? Was it written all over him as plainly as Tommy seemed to think? Did Eddie think he was weird, a creep?
No, stop that train of thought right there. The voice in his mind sounded suspiciously like Maddie’s. Eddie was his friend. Eddie liked him. There was no reason to think he’d caught on to Buck, especially when Buck had barely caught on to Buck.
God, Maddie was going to eat him alive about this.
Buck sighed and threw himself down on his couch. He put a pin in mentally cataloguing year three of his friendship with Eddie and let a new question float to the surface: Why did this matter? Eddie was straight. He’d had girlfriend after girlfriend, he had a kid, what was Buck playing at, doing anything besides squashing these thoughts down?
Well, one, he’d had twice as many girlfriends as Eddie. Pot, kettle.
And two, he couldn’t conceive of anything more painful than shoving this revelation away and pretending it didn’t exist. Yeah, Eddie was probably straight. Yeah, even if he wasn’t, reciprocated feelings for Buck were a big ask. But not clenching his fist around the burning ember of optimism in his heart felt like letting a part of himself die.
Reciprocated feelings. It felt so shallow to think of it that way. Eddie was his best friend, his partner, his family; they were already wound into each other’s lives. What more was left?
A knock at his door sent a jolt down his spine. Fuck, if Eddie had shown up— Buck clambered to his feet, straightening his shirt, smoothing down his hair—
“Buck?” It was Tommy’s voice that called from the other side of the door. Buck felt relief wash over him, and then guilt at that relief. What was he supposed to say to Tommy?
He strode over and opened the door, apprehensive. But Tommy stood there with a smile on his face, and Buck felt his nerves calm a little. “Tommy, hey.”
“Hey yourself, you look a wreck,” Tommy replied, not yet making a move to step inside. “I was just coming by to check on you, you went AWOL.”
“Shit, did you—” Buck pulled out his phone, and amid the unanswered texts from Eddie, there were several from Tommy, as well. “Tommy, I’m so sorry, the day I’ve had—”
“Hey, don’t worry about it,” he reassured, reaching out to touch Buck’s arm. “I left you with kind of a gargantuan thought experiment.” He tilted his head, looking at Buck inquisitively. “Did you…?”
Nausea crept back into Buck’s core. “Yeah, I-I, yeah, I did.”
Tommy smiled sadly at him. “And…?”
Buck let out his breath in a whoosh. “Yeah.” He felt himself nodding. “Yeah.”
Tommy nodded with him, stepping closer into his space. The doorframe divided them into two separate, invisible planes, save Tommy’s warm touch on his arm.
“I know.” He sounded a little resigned, and the affection on his face as he looked at Buck made him feel about two feet tall.
“H-how did you know? I didn’t even know, Tommy,” Buck said, an imploring edge to his voice.
“Because, Buck,” Tommy said with that same sad smile, “trying to keep your attention when it’s all on Eddie stings.”
Buck hung his head, shame creeping up his neck. “Tommy, I am so—”
“And then, y’know, you dropped that you’re basically Chris’ second dad. Like, legally. You ever think Eddie was trying to tell you something there?”
Buck looked up, bewildered. “Uh, n-no, Tommy, he’s… look, I don’t know how you think this is gonna go, but… I-I don’t think Eddie’s going through the same thing that I am.”
“Ehh, don’t be so sure. He might surprise you.”
The tiny ember of hope flared inappropriately in Buck’s chest.
“I just thought… this was right. Us.”
Tommy sighed sympathetically, placing his hands on Buck’s face. “Buck, there’s no right or wrong. Get that out of your head. What would make you happy?”
His own silence felt thunderous.
Tommy nodded. “It’s okay. It’s okay, Buck. Thank you for this.” He leaned forward and pressed a kiss to Buck’s lips, and Buck felt his chest cavity fill with guilt for leaning into it. Tommy pulled back first, let his hands fall.
“Goodbye, Buck.”
Buck watched as Tommy stepped back and retreated down the hall.
“Goodbye, Tommy,” he whispered.
+
Eddie slammed his locker shut, pulling his t-shirt over his head. He’d just finished what had to have been the most frustrating shift of his life, and not because of any emergency or difficult patients.
Buck had showed up that morning to everyone’s delight, where the incessant ribbing about his day of hooky had begun. Buck, ever the lover of being the center of attention and hogging the spotlight, had hardly cracked a smile, opting to sit away from the rest of the team until the bell had rung for their first call. He had continued cold-shouldering them for the duration of their shift, keeping to himself for six back-to-back calls. He hadn’t spoken a single word to Eddie except to call out locations of fire victims and bark patient updates at him.
A shard of ice in his chest would’ve hurt less.
Buck seemed to be experiencing a rollercoaster of tumultuous emotions, between his coming out and his “sick day” and his iciness today, but Eddie drew the line at being snubbed by his best friend.
Buck was hurriedly changing into his street clothes across the bench, back to Eddie. Eddie watched with a cruel sort of satisfaction as Buck struggled to wiggle into his jeans. Fly zipped, Buck grabbed his sneakers from his locker and turned towards the bench to sit. Seeing Eddie watching him, Buck jumped like he’d been shocked, practically flattening himself against the lockers. It would almost be comical, if it wasn’t so bizarrely out of character and hurtful.
“Buck, look…”
“I-I gotta run, Eddie, sorry.”
He started for the door, and Eddie countered him, stepping in his path. Buck gaped, a pleading look on his face.
“No, Buck. Whatever’s going on with you, I’m not okay with it. Why won’t you talk to me?”
“Eddie, I’m okay. Please, just—”
“No, I won’t just. Coup’s, seven o’clock, that bar on fifth street. You’re meeting me there.”
“Eddie, please—”
“I texted Carla just for this, Buck, don’t make me back out on her.” Eddie reached forward to pat Buck’s shoulder, and ignored the way Buck seemed to steel himself for the contact. “I’ll see you there.”
Two hours later, after checking in on Chris and thanking Carla for staying late, Eddie pulled up in front of Coup’s, maneuvering into an empty street parking spot.
He grabbed two beers from the bar as he scanned for Buck, thanking the bartender. It was a cozy place, all dark wood and warm lighting, the patrons mostly blue-collar workers grabbing drinks with their friends. He spotted Buck, already sitting at their usual table, two empty bottles already next to him.
Eddie slid into the seat opposite him. “What, you need to loosen up just to talk to me?”
Buck huffed, not meeting his eye. “Nah, I-I’m just…” he trailed off, casting his gaze around and drumming his fingers on the table. It wasn’t like him to be cagey like this, usually he was jumping to tell Eddie every thought that ran through his stupid head.
Eddie ducked his head down to catch his eye. “Just what, Buck?”
Buck groaned and dropped his head into his hands. “I don’t know!”
Eddie’s heart twinged— he hadn’t seen Buck this cut up since he was dealing with his parents.
“Buck, man, you gotta tell me what’s going on. What would make you not say a word to me all day?” He could hear the desperation edging into his voice and he didn’t care— whatever would make Buck open up to him. “I don’t want things to be like the lawsuit again, Buck, please.”
Buck dropped his hands, face stricken. “Eddie, I-I— it’s not like that. Everything’s just— it keeps happening so fast. I’m sorry.” His hands slid across the table towards Eddie, and he looked scared; more scared than he had two days ago on the precipice of telling him about Tommy.
“Start from the beginning, then.” Eddie tried to inject as much gentleness as he could into his voice; Buck seemed like he was ready to dart at the first sign of conflict.
Fiddling with the label, Buck took a sip of his beer. “There’s not really a beginning… it’s, um… it’s done. Between me and Tommy. It’s done.”
Eddie blinked. That wasn’t what he’d been expecting— just this morning, the team had been cracking jokes about Buck’s new boytoy. Oh.
“Ah, Buck, I’m sorry. And they were giving you a hard time about it this morning, too… shit, dude.”
“Eh, that’s… it was fine,” he shrugged, setting his beer down and rubbing the back of his neck.
Fine? The hell had the silent firefighter act been for, then?
“Really, it was more…” Buck trailed off again and dug the heels of his hands into his eyes. “Agh. I just thought I’d gotten it right, you know?” He looked Eddie in the face for the first time all day. Eddie nodded, not taking his eyes off Buck’s; didn’t want to do anything to scare him off.
“I-I thought this whole big… revelation thing was gonna be for a reason, you know? I have this awakening when I’m thirty years old and it’s not even for the right person. Do y’know how- how that feels?” He looked imploringly at Eddie, and that squirming thing in Eddie’s chest made itself known; he wanted to sweep everything off the table and lunge across to pull Buck into his arms.
“Well, hey, no one gets it right on the first try, Buck. Who do you know who pulled and got it in one? Not me. Not Bobby or Athena, not Hen, not Chim. Not your sister.” Buck gazed at him, his face utterly wounded.
“Yeah. Screw being right, right? I just wanna be happy.”
God, Eddie could feel his heart break. Who could leave Buck looking like this? Well…
“Tommy did this to you?” Eddie asked, because if that guy had left his best friend in this state, he didn’t care how many MMA fights he could fly him out to.
“No, no no no. Tommy’s great. He’s great, we don’t- we don’t hate him or anything.”
Eddie laughed. “We don’t, do we?”
Buck wouldn’t meet his eye again. “Nope. Tommy cleared of all charges.”
“Then… what, Buck? Why are you drinking alone before I get here, why are you on the verge of tears?” Buck surreptitiously swiped a hand across his eyes. “What aren’t you telling me?”
“I…”
Some war took place on Buck’s face, and then all resolve seemed to leave him. “I-I should go.” He stood abruptly, knocking the table askew, squeezing past Eddie to leave.
“Buck! Hey, hey, Buck!”
But Buck was disappearing out the door, disappearing back into his own head, somewhere that it seemed like Eddie was becoming unable to reach him.
+
The A shift had the next day off, which usually meant Buck would be found playing video games at Eddie’s until Chris got home from school— after which, Buck would help him with his homework, Buck would help Eddie cook have dinner together, and more video games would ensue.
Today, though, Eddie slept into the late morning. Buck was still in the wind after his escape from Coup’s last night, and he had the feeling he wouldn’t be turning up for video games. Their conversation last night had given him something more to go on, though, and as he rose from bed to halfheartedly brush his teeth, he pondered what Buck had said.
Tommy hadn’t broken his heart, but his heart seemed broken. Tommy wasn’t the right person. Buck was upset for some secret reason beyond all of this. Something in Eddie was happy that Tommy wasn’t right for Buck.
Okay, the last part he had said to himself, in his head. But it was still worth thinking about.
Eddie spat his toothpaste into the sink, clattered his toothbrush back into its cup. The reflection staring back at him looked haggard in a way that was only achieved by sleeping fitfully for eleven hours. He scrubbed a hand over his face and listlessly attempted to part his hair. Fresh clothes. Lunch. Sit on the sofa. Think about Buck.
Buck, who had just peeled back a raw, brand new layer of himself, and was already hurting over it. It really seemed like he could never catch a break. Eddie was overwhelmed by the same urge from the bar to pull Buck into his arms and keep him safe.
And Tommy… what the hell was the deal with him? Seemingly rocking Buck’s world for a handful of weeks and then vanishing into thin air. Eddie supposed he could ask him, but that really seemed like sticking his nose where it didn’t belong. Whatever. Screw him, Eddie was glad he wasn’t monopolizing Buck’s time anymore.
Okay… intense thought to have about a guy who’s been giving you free helicopter rides, he thought to himself. Unpack?
Well… he had been put out by losing out on some of his extracurricular Buck time. Stupid, juvenile, yes, but he wasn’t really used to Buck having other friends. Unhealthy, codependent, maybe, but… but nothing. It just was, and he could live with that.
But then he’d learned the time Buck had been spending with Tommy was likely very different than how he typically spent his time with Eddie. And Eddie had expected that to resolve his petty jealousy, to know that Buck wasn’t seeking out anything from Tommy that Eddie could’ve given him. But it hadn’t.
Eddie shifted his position on the sofa. He’d never been bothered by any of Buck’s previous relationships. Granted, they hadn’t really come into his orbit as much, nor had they affected Buck to the same degree. And they’d all been women, of course, but what would that have to do with anything? It was probably homophobic or something to see Buck’s relationship with Tommy as any different just because he was a guy.
And that didn’t even touch on his restrained glee that Tommy was gone as quickly as he’d arrived.
Eddie groaned, dropping his head into his hands. He didn’t like thinking about his friend this way, this weird, made-up version that existed only to drive a wedge between himself and Buck and to make Buck sad. Alright, maybe he did need to talk to Tommy. He was going nuts over two other peoples’ relationship and wanted to get out of his own head. Resolutely, he grabbed his keys and headed for his truck.
A short while later, he pulled into the LAFD Rescue hangar parking lot, watching for a moment as a yellow helicopter rose into the sky, glinting against the sun. Hopefully the one pilot he wanted to talk to wasn’t ascending into the heavens.
Hopping out of his truck, Eddie strolled across the tarmac, keeping his eyes peeled for Tommy. He honestly wasn’t sure what went on at this place when they weren’t actively flying helicopters— probably the same shenanigans as at the 118.
He spotted Tommy leaning against the wall in a slightly more comfortable looking corner of the hangar, takeout salad in hand. He raised his hand and greeting, and Tommy looked puzzled but also hopefully glad to see him.
“Eddie! What are you doing out here, man? Don’t tell me you want flying lessons, too.”
“Eh, monkey see, monkey do, how hard can it be?” Eddie joked, leaning on the corrugated wall next to him. “Nah, I’m not here for your choppers this time. I actually have kind of a personal question.”
Tommy set his plastic fork back into his salad. “Sure, shoot.”
“Okay…” Eddie bounced on his heels. “Man, this is awkward.” How did you ask a guy why he dumped your best friend? Tommy looked at him with eyebrows raised. “Okay, I kind of heard… about you and Buck. Tell me if I’m out of line here,” he added hastily, not knowing if he was really supposed to know anything he was about to say.
Tommy chuckled. “You’re fine, Eddie, honestly. Everyone can stop tiptoeing around my sexuality.”
Eddie laughed awkwardly. This was his first time interacting with Tommy since knowing he was gay, and he felt like a douche for that making him feel awkward. “Ahaha, good to know. Yeah, well, um, I heard about that, yeah, and I heard about it ending. And… Buck seems pretty cut up about it, and he won’t talk to me, like, at all, so… I guess I was wondering, what’s your perspective on the whole thing.” What’s your perspective on your breakup that has nothing to do with me. Yeah.
Tommy, rather than appearing annoyed at being asked such a personal question, bore a slightly deer-in-headlights sort of expression. “Okay… I know you just said Buck’s not talking to you, but you should really talk to Buck.” Tommy annunciated his words like there was a secret message hidden there, but Eddie sure as hell wasn’t picking up on it.
“I’ve tried, man. He’s hardcore icing me out, like ever since he told me about you guys.”
Tommy nodded understandingly. Eddie felt relief at venting his pent-up Buck feelings, though, and continued on.
“And even before that, it’s like I was barely seeing him. Like he didn’t have time for me anymore, and it still bothered me even when I realized you two were… you two. And Buck’s all sad but he says it’s not on you so I can’t even be mad at you for breaking his heart or anything but then I’m over here, like, glad you’re not together anymore.” It came out of him in a rush, and he could feel a flush coloring his cheeks. Some of that was maybe embarrassing to admit out loud. To Tommy, of all people.
Tommy, though, was gazing at him with a look of dawning understanding. “Eddie… I broke things off with Buck because I thought maybe his interests laid elsewhere.” He was speaking pointedly again, but Eddie still wasn’t understanding whatever code he was trying to relay.
“Elsewhere? No, Buck’s a good guy, he’s not like that anymore. He wouldn’t cheat, Tommy.”
Tommy exhaled. “No, that’s not what I mean. Eddie, don’t you think you seem a little jealous?”
Okaaay, flipping the script a little here. Eddie looked away, flustered. “Yes! And it’s pissing me off because it doesn’t make any sense.”
“And what would it take for it to make sense?” Tommy said patiently.
“It would mean I wanted Buck for myself!” Eddie’s voice had become slightly raised, and a silence hung thick between them.
Oh.
Tommy inclined his head. “Start there.”
Eddie’s world was crashing in around him, trees, concrete, helicopters all being pulled in towards a black hole that he was at the center of. “Tommy, I don’t— I-I’m not—“
“Eddie, you gave him guardianship of Chris. That’s not something you just hand out to your friends.”
“God, he told you about that?”
“Yes. It was enlightening.” Again with the conspicuous tone, and Eddie was starting to get the message.
If he… wanted Buck, as he had so plainly put it, what the hell did that mean for him? They were best friends, coworkers, partners, a myriad of things that could be fucked sideways if he followed the thread of this revelation. That wasn’t even to mention that Buck was a guy and that wasn’t something Eddie had ever even remotely considered about himself. Did that make him gay? Eddie shook that train of thought from his head, eyes unfocused. Buck was a guy, yeah, but more importantly, Buck was Buck, his kind, oblivious, brave, selfless, dad-to-Chris, protective-of-his-sister, loyal-to-his-squad friend.
That squirmy thing in his chest twisted and writhed, and, yeah, maybe it was love.
Eddie looked plaintively at Tommy. “What do I do?”
“Go to him,” Tommy implored.
“What, now? I-I’m gonna need a minute to process this, Tommy, and I don’t think he’s gonna wanna see me, and just ‘cause I have some— some secret fucking crush on him doesn’t—”
“Eddie.” Tommy took him by his shoulders, facing them together. “I cut things off with Buck because his interests were elsewhere.” He spoke slowly, deliberately. “And then, he needed. A minute. To process.” Heavy eye contact with Eddie.
Eddie stared back at him, cognizant only of the fact that Tommy must have put down his salad at some point, and that he could hear delicate birdsong wafting down from the rafters.
And then something slammed into place in his brain.
His mouth kept opening and closing, but no words were coming out. Why weren’t words coming out? There were about five million running through his head, like what? and hello? and the general concept of needing to sit down.
“You’re saying— you mean to tell me, that I, th-that he—”
“I’m saying, go to him.” Tommy clapped him on both shoulders and tipped his head knowingly back towards Eddie’s truck. Eddie nodded dumbly, turned on the spot and took several steps in that direction, turned back towards Tommy, still nodding, and frowned.
“Tommy, I’m sorry.”
Tommy shook his head, smiling wanly. “Other fish in the sea, Eddie. Fish that aren’t already in someone’s will.”
Eddie huffed out a laugh, still nodding, because what else was there to do? He turned on his heel once more, and walked in a dreamlike trance back to his truck. He drove ten over the whole way there.
+
Buck had spent his morning off moping around his loft. Why could he not stop blowing stuff up? Tommy dumped him for being blindingly obviously in love with Eddie. When he tried to keep Eddie at arm’s length to not making a fucking idiot out of himself, Eddie just looked at him with those big, sad eyes and Buck made an idiot of himself anyway. And now here he was, alone, because it’s not like he could rock up at Eddie’s place and be like hey, sorry for being a fucking freak. Wanna play Smash?
Buck groaned and ground the heels of his hands into his eyes. Wrong choice of video game to think of.
He was flopped back on his sofa, staring up at the beams of his loft. He hadn’t bothered to put anything on the TV or even change out of the sweatshorts he’d slept in. He was going to have to go back to work tomorrow and face Eddie after his humiliating escape from his attempted confrontation, and the thought of that made him want to make time pass as slowly as possible.
Buck knew he couldn’t shut Eddie out forever. But letting him back in meant almost having him, meant making him laugh and cooking dinner with him and sitting with their shoulders touching, without any of the things that had rewired Buck’s senses two days prior. Buck was also not good at keeping secrets. Sure, Eddie might not have caught onto him while he was living oblivious to his secret himself, but now that Buck was in on it, how the hell was he supposed to even look at Eddie without huge fucking hearts jumping out of his eyes?
A knock rang out through his apartment, and Buck felt his stomach drop through to the floor. There was no one he could think of that he wanted to see right now, and the people that would actually turn up at his place unannounced were at the very bottom of that list.
Buck sat up slowly, wondering if he should pretend not to be home, when there was a jingle of keys and his front door started to open.
There were only two other people with keys to Buck’s apartment, and he barely had half a second to pray that it was Maddie before Eddie’s figure was filling the doorframe.
Shit.
“Buck.”
“H-hey, um, Eddie, now’s not really a good—”
“Buck, let’s talk.”
Buck nodded, slightly terrified. There was nowhere to run anymore.
He allowed himself to actually look at Eddie, and fuck, it was like a sucker punch to the gut. His face was open, apprehensive, and self hatred washed over Buck anew. How could he have let himself put that look on Eddie’s face?
More than that, though, it was the first time he’d really looked at him since his epiphany slash breakdown, really taken in the way his eyelashes fluttered over his cheekbones with every nervous blink, the slope of his nose, the ghost of stubble prickling his jaw, the goddamn size XXS t-shirt clinging to his frame.
Buck was ruined.
“You alright?” Eddie ducked his head to meet Buck’s eye, his voice cutting through his increasingly unprofessional inner monologue. Fuck, had he been staring? You’re giving yourself away two minutes in, Buckley, it’s hopeless.
“Yeah, just…” Bucked puffed his cheeks out and exhaled, shaking his head. Vague enough to suffice.
Tossing his keys on Buck’s counter, Eddie started towards him, and Buck tried not to freeze up. It’s just Eddie, it’s just Eddie.
“C’mere, come sit down,” Eddie was saying, and he touched Buck’s elbow to guide him towards his own couch. The spot where his hand touched Buck’s skin was electrified, an Achilles heel anchoring him to the mortal world while the rest of him exploded into stardust. It must have only lasted for a second or two, but Buck could feel his flesh smoldering as he crossed the room.
Eddie sat first, cutely patting the spot next to him to indicate Buck to sit. Buck sat. Eddie angled himself towards him in such a way that their knees were touching, and Buck folded his hands together in an attempt to hide the shaking. He felt like he was about to be undone.
“No more running, okay?” Eddie warned, raising a finger to Buck in mock admonishment.
Buck shook his head. “No. No running.”
Eddie smiled, genuine. “Good. Do you wanna start with what’s been going on?”
Buck cast his eyes around the room, subconsciously looking for anything else to latch on to, any way out. But he was sick of seeing that hurt look on Eddie’s face every time he shut him out, and he had just promised not to run.
“I…” Fuck, it was hard. He tipped his head back to glance at the ceiling, chewed on his lip, dropped his head back down to fix Eddie with a tilted gaze. “…let myself in on a secret that is going to ruin my life.”
Eddie nodded as if he somehow understood. What the hell did he look so happy for?
“Nah, c’mon. What could possibly ruin your life?”
Buck let out a dry laugh, because, god, Eddie had no idea.
“You’d be surprised.”
“Oh yeah?” Eddie challenged, almost playfully, leaning imperceptibly closer. “Well, if it makes you feel any better, I experienced something similar pretty recently, by the sound of it.”
Buck stomped on the ember of hope in his chest. No the fuck you did not. Whatever. He’d humor him. At least he wasn’t poking Buck’s answer further.
“What would that be, then?”
“Y’see, I got talking to Tommy—”
Buck reeled. “Tommy?”
Eddie fondly rolled his eyes, and god, Buck had never paid attention to how endearing it was when he did that. “Yes, Buck, he’s my friend, too, remember?”
Completely irrelevant, because Tommy could be telling Eddie any number of alarming things about Buck no matter their relationship. At this exact moment, though, Buck would be grateful if all Tommy had said was that Buck moaned like a girl during sex; anything would be preferable to the monumental amount of dynamite he had hanging over him about Eddie.
“Yeah, okay, w-w-what’d he say?” It’s like his vocal cords themselves were shaking.
“He said,” Eddie started, and Buck really just needed him to spit it out already, “that I should really talk to you. Because he helped me figure something out, and I think he did for you, too.”
This didn’t make any sense. All Buck could do was nod, breathless, eyes wide.
“You told me you didn’t get it right, Buck.” His voice was softer, lower now, blending in with the white noise of the refrigerator hum and making the hairs on Buck’s arms rise. “What would it mean for you to get it right?”
“I-I don’t…”
“What would it mean for you to be happy?”
He was so fucking close. When had he gotten so close? Buck could see the different flecks of brown in his eyes, the single freckle on his left cheek. Buck was standing on a hair-thin tightrope with a vast ocean beneath him, a breath away from submerging himself in the throes of something completely unknowable, the water lapping over his feet and chanting come in, come in.
Eddie kissed him, and Buck fell in the ocean.
It was better than the synaptic deluge he’d imagined this moment to be. It was better than anything that had ever happened in his life. The ember in his chest roared to life, setting him aflame, and Buck wasn’t going to be able to be a firefighter anymore, because he was going to be a burnt out husk when Eddie was done with him.
Eddie. Eddie, with one hand sliding up his arm, the other touching his face so delicately. Nose pressing against his cheek, lips moving against his, and fuck, Buck was going to start shaking again. He cupped his own hands around Eddie’s jaw, and it was cataclysmic, to touch him like that. Buck was never going to recover.
It was right. Buck had never been more certain of anything.
Eddie pulled away first, and Buck didn’t care if it was embarrassing if he tried to follow his mouth at first. He would lay down in traffic if it meant that could happen again. Eddie huffed a laugh, breathless, giddy, eyes damp, and was this real? Eddie had kissed him, and he was having the same reaction that Buck was?
Buck cleared his throat, but his voice was hoarse anyway. “I think it would mean… that.”
Eddie grinned, and Buck was blinded. His hand was still on Buck’s face, his thumb doing the tiniest stroking motion. “Yeah?”
“Yeah,” Buck breathed. “The hell did Tommy tell you?”
Eddie laughed for real, then, taking Buck’s hands in his and moving them to their laps. Holding hands. That was both of Buck’s daydreams out of the way, and this had been happening for maybe a minute and a half.
“He insinuated that you were doing some soul searching and demanded that I do the same.”
Buck beamed; he couldn’t stop. “When even was this?”
Eddie furrowed his brow and cast his gaze upwards. “Maybe… thirty minutes ago?”
A startled laugh burst out of Buck, and then they were both laughing, and Eddie’s forehead was pressed against his, and they were both holding on.
“I can’t believe—” Buck started, breathless. “I can’t believe I didn’t know.”
“Which part?”
“All of it! My own feelings, your feelings, that they would ever be the same.” He blinked, and his own eyes were damp, too. “What are we gonna tell the squad?”
Eddie laughed again, and Buck vowed to say stupid shit for the rest of his life so he could get to watch as Eddie’s eyes crinkled and teeth flashed. “That’s what you’re worried about right now?”
“I’m not worried, they’re just gonna know, like, immediately, and I wanna have the upper hand. Why, what’re you worried about?”
Eddie gazed up at the ceiling, smiling, thinking. “Getting Christopher off the bus in half an hour. Wanna come with?” He extended a hand towards Buck, palm open, waiting, inviting.
Buck took it without hesitation. “Yeah, I do.”
Eddie pulled him up and then in, pressing another kiss to his lips that made Buck hum. This was real, it was happening, it was going to keep happening. Would he stay the night at Eddie’s tonight? Would they show up at work together tomorrow, bedheaded from lying in? Would Buck put his hand on Eddie’s leg while he drove the fire engine and make the squad’s eyes bug out of their heads? Would Eddie kiss him like that in front of everyone?
They left Buck’s apartment hand in hand, and Buck basked in the vast ocean, letting the current pull him forwards.