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Mayoi was going to die. He was going to dissolve away into a pile of fine ashes and repent for all he’s done.
The small distance from purple eyes that bore into his very soul, the kind loving eyes that are a part of the warm body of a holy boy who laid by his side made him tremble. He could not take it, the even breathing of the other compared to his own breathing; silent and shallow on the verge of hyperventilation. Oh how his disgusting flesh wishes to cling to the warmth of the boy, to be accepted. Mayoi wanted to drag himself away to the deepest pits of the earth, to keep his filth off of Tatsumi and not taint him further than he already has.
He wanted to apologize to the other boy for being so awful before running off and killing himself, that would be a much better ending for him than dying of fright right in front of Tatsumi.
He shouldn’t have done this, he shouldn’t be sharing a bed with him. He should have said no to Tatsumi and ignored how his wretched mind and body wanted to be near him. There was even a second chance for him after he was asked to back out but he wanted to be near him as if this would never happen again. But here he was, underneath a blanket laying next to him as the day was turning to night.
His heart was pounding, he could feel it as if it was trying to climb out of his ribs, pry through the muscles and skin of his body and leave. His normal corpse like colored skin boiling with life, heat seeping through his flesh.
Could Tatsumi hear it? Could he hear Mayois' heart screaming within his chest? Could he see the look of embarrassment and want for love on his face? If he did, Tatsumi wasn’t saying anything; only gently smiling as he laid on his side facing him. Mayoi couldn’t look him in the eyes, he was looking anywhere besides Tatsumi's face.
“May I hold your hand, Mayoi-san?”
“E-Eh?! I…ah I mean…y-yes…!” Mayoi cringed internally at how desperate he sounded when he answered, he wouldn’t blame Tatsumi for changing his mind and leaving right then. His spiral was digging straight into the ground and would be going further had he not felt a searing warmth blooming from his hand. Tatsumi's soft hand intertwined with Mayoi’s scarred and frigid one. The hold was so gentle, almost as if the moment would vanish immediately had the movement been too quick.
It was comforting, to be loved, it was so comforting that it hurt. It burned Mayoi, this care he was given that was so genuine it felt like he didn’t deserve it. His brain screamed for him to writhe away, instead he unconsciously moved closer to Tatsumi; wanting to feel more warmth and affection as much as he felt horrible for doing so. It felt like he was being torn to shreds within as he fought between allowing himself this comfort or ruining it and running. Asking himself if this is truly okay for him, okay for him to want this love despite being something that is meant to thrive in darkness where nothing else can see him.
Noticing Tatsumi's eyes closing slowly, he can’t help but smile at how the other boy's face relaxes while drifting off to sleep. Feeling himself becoming surprisingly drowsy, Mayoi cautiously moved himself closer to Tatsumi, still making sure their hands were intertwined before closing his eyes himself.
Just this once, despite his instincts telling him to flee, he’ll allow himself to be selfish in this moment.