Work Text:
Connor's POV
I was sitting next to Miguel in our biology class. I’d forgotten what exactly we were talking about exactly, but something about Miguel’s smile made me feel warm. I didn’t fucking know why really, but it felt nice to have him smiling at me, it just made me feel sort of seen, like I didn’t just fade into the background. It was nice. “Okay, I wanna hear you count in Spanish again,” Miguel’s voice brought me back to reality. I blinked at him, confused, what the fuck was he on about? We’re in Biology right? And not Spanish? When I saw the gleam in his eyes, I realized he was joking with me. I rolled my eyes, but for some fucking reason, I smiled.
“Good joke,” I muttered and he merely smiled at me. The smile once again made me feel fucking warm. What the fuck? Anyways, I looked back at him and he at me. “Anyways, you were going to tell me how you two met?” For some reason, my voice darkened on the ‘two’. It just was the story of how Miguel met him.
Wait what?
Why am I seething? It’s just Miguel and his… love story. My anger surprised me, where the fuck did it come from? Why am I seething over you-know-who? Fuck. I can’t even say his fucking name! The fuck? He hadn’t done anything to deserve this anger? Or maybe it wasn’t anger really, more annoyance? I don’t fucking know.
Miguel, oblivious to whatever the hell that was, smiled again at me, but this time his smile made my stomach churn. It wasn’t a smile directed at me. This smile was directed at that stupid, fucking varsity jock. Okay, woah, Connor, where did that come from? Deciding to just ignore that weird thought, I turned my attention on Miguel, who was smiling softly at the ceiling.
God, I wanted him to smile at me like that. He looked gorgeous while smiling like that, his brown eyes shining as he thought about him.
Wait what?
That was fucking weird, but I’m sure it’s nothing. I don’t even fucking like him like that anyways. Miguel once again looked at me. “It was here, believe it or not.” Okay, so now he’s actually telling the damn story. I remained quiet. “Even before you arrived here actually. He approached me and we started talking.” Miguel smiled amusedly. “I think I knew he liked me before he even knew,” he joked. “But, he’s adorable. You’d think he’d just some stupid, burly jock, but he’s actually quite smart.” He chuckled, and I swear to god, the world fucking faded away for a second, leaving just us in the room. Though, I didn’t feel happy at all in that moment, just a feeling a load of dread. It was like someone had just taken out my heart and fucking threw it away. I don’t fucking know why. Miguel was just talking about his stupid, fucking…
Again! With me being unable to fucking say the words!
What is going on?
I however, lowered my voice. “But, how did you know? How can you be so open about it?” I’m not even sure what exactly I was asking really, but from Miguel’s expression, I guessed it was pretty heavy as he looked at me. He looked around the classroom, class was basically ended anyways. He then looked back at me.
“Let’s go somewhere more private.“ I didn’t exactly know why the fuck he deemed that this needed to be private, but my heart wasn’t cooperating with my brain and I eagerly agreed, apparently, and Miguel took me into a corner by the boys bathroom. He then looked at me, and smiled. “I guess this is probably the most cliché answer ever to that, but I just never was really attracted to girls. I just always found guys attractive and well, I have a boyfriend so that kinda seals the deal. I’m kidding, but you get the idea. In other words, I’d rather go out with you, or Brandon than a girl.” For some reason, I blushed. Miguel then got serious again. “Why do you ask?” His voice was soft, as if approaching a spooked horse, and the heat in my cheeks increased in intensity. For some fucking reason.
“I don’t know,” I murmured. “I guess I’ve just been, having weird emotions. I’m not sure what to call them really. And you just make it seem so easy. That you can just be yourself and I don’t fucking know, can be open about things like that.” Miguel seemed to pick up what I was trying to say exactly and his expression softened.
“Are you trying to tell me you think you’re gay?” The sentence was simple and held no malice, but I still stiffened. I took a shaky breath.
“Well, not gay, specifically, but.. something,” I admitted. “It’s… just so new to me, and I don’t what to call it exactly. And I don’t want to tell anyone about it and-“ Miguel took my hands and I felt myself heat up. This time I chalked it up to the anxiety of the conversation, and assumed the butterflies were caused by the same feeling. Miguel smiled softly.
“Connor, it’s okay if you don’t know. You don’t have to label it if you’re not ready,” he said, and I felt the fluttering sensation in my gut again. He then smiled. “If you’re worried, it doesn’t make any difference to me.” I smiled bashfully.
“Thanks Mi-“
“I thought I’d find you guys here,” said a voice, causing both me and Miguel to jump. Miguel turned his head and then his eyes lit up.
Oh. Right. The boyfriend. Miguel’s stupid boyfriend.
My mood immediately soured, but neither Miguel or Brandon noticed. Of fucking course, Brandon just had to come and ruin the moment. Just fucking great. However, I still didn’t know what had caused this souring of my opinion of Brandon. He was a pretty stand-up guy, usually. He was good to Miguel, and Miguel cleared loved him. Hell, he even included me in his and Miguel’s friend group when I was new here! What’s not to like? But, recently, whenever he showed up, I just felt like my heart was shattered and that manifested as this undeserved anger. Brandon didn’t deserve my sudden hating of him. Who could fucking hate him? He’s the friendliest jock I’ve met! And that’s saying something, I hate jocks. But this new Brandon hate was nothing compared to jock hate, I didn’t know where this irrational anger came from. Funnily enough this anger only really appeared when Brandon was with Miguel, otherwise, he’s just some guy. That’s when I realized, Brandon was looking straight at me, with a curious expression on his face. I startled when I was caught. I hadn’t been doing anything, but it felt like I had. “What’s up with him?” Brandon asked simply, removing his gaze from me to look at his boyfriend.
The ‘boyfriend’ just made me taste bile.
“Who? Connor? He looks perfectly fine to me?” Miguel seemed confused. I once again felt Brandon’s eyes on my back. Why is he so interested in me all of a sudden? I turned around to look at them.
“Yeah, what’s wrong with me, Brandon?” His name slipped out as a hiss, and Brandon narrowed his eyes in suspicion. Miguel seemed oblivious, thank God. Brandon then just sighed.
“I’m just seeing things. Anyways, Connor, do you want to join us at lunch?” I blinked.
“Uh, okay, I guess? I’d have to fetch my lunch though.”
“Okay, we’ll meet you there,” Said Brandon and I just watched as Miguel left with him. Strangely, my heart stung to see him leave. Trying to shake the strange seething feeling away, I headed towards my locker. Once there, I opened it and got my lunch, but after seeing I’d left my sketchbook in there as well, I decided to take it. It’s a good way to pass the time if conversation fails. And Miguel would probably be talking to Brandon for most of the break. Ignoring the stinging feeling coming with that thought, I walked over to the table Miguel’s group used. As I approached, I heard snippets of a conversation from the couple of the hour, talking about someone I guess.
“…he likes you.” Said Brandon, simply, and I heard Miguel splutter.
“…what are you on about? He doesn’t even like guys…” Miguel sounded extremely confused. Great another guy who likes Miguel. Just great. I heard Brandon sigh.
“…he hates me. You saw him, right? He’s clearly jealous of me…”
“…why would he be jealous of you? He seemed jovial with us.” Hm, who are they talking about? I’d sat down by this point, pulling out my sketchbook. Brandon could be heard sighing again.
“…just said the reason. He likes you. Romantically. He’s jealous of me because he wants to be with you.” I didn’t know who Brandon was talking about, but I found myself agreeing with his argument. Though I hated the guy with a burning passion, for some reason, I agreed with him.
“…highly doubt he likes me. He hasn’t shown any signs.” Brandon groaned at Miguel’s rebuttal as I paged through my sketchbook which was about two thirds Miguel drawings, he’s just really picturesque, and nice to draw.
“…maybe he hasn’t shown signs for a reason. Case in point: Me. Your boyfriend. You’re taken, so he hasn’t shown any signs. Or, maybe, he doesn’t even know he likes you!” As the argument continued on, I started sketching something in my sketchbook: Miguel’s confused expression. There was something so interesting about his furrowed brows and scrunched nose. The argument next to me eventually ended with Miguel’s rebuttal.
“Brandon, Connor doesn’t like me like that.”