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February 2016
Hockey parties were always an informal, messy thing. Players shouting, chugging too much beer at once–Natalie had seen it all in the past years. But that night was different, and she was glad. For the All Star’s after party, the hosting magnate had imposed a strict Black-Tie dress-code, that sat well with the elegant atmosphere of the rooftop overlooking the concrete jungle. Broad shoulders fit into carefully tailored suits, and shiny dresses glittering at their sides.
Natalie remembered what the old, elegant man welcoming everyone had told her when she’d thanked him for the invitation. He’d smiled a polite, wrinkled smile, giving Kasey a shoulder pat after shaking their hands.
Everyone who is someone in hockey is at this party, my dear.
She’d linked her arm with Kasey’s. He must be doing something right, then.
A few players had approached them, tilting their glasses together and chatting. The shyness was slow to leave Kasey’s smile though, and Natalie held onto his arm as if to steady him. It was his first convocation at All Stars, and it had seen plenty of tensed muscles.
Most of the people eventually headed out to the open part of the roof, where strings of warm lights mixed with the colourful glow of the city and dark bushes assured privacy. They still hadn’t been. Natalie knew Kasey was waiting—well, they were both waiting for him to arrive.
They enjoyed the night. Natalie led them to the dance floor, where they swayed to the slow jazz of the band, smiles close to each other. She loved the way his smile dimpled as he looked down at her.
“You don’t usually dance this much, Mister Winter,” Natalie said as the fourth piece started.
Kasey simply smiled, making her do a spin. “You simply look too good for me not to, Miss Darcy.”
Natalie giggled, without shaking her head at the compliment, as she would have done years ago. Her ivory dress was a soft, elegant embrace around her body, and the earrings were one of the very first gifts Kasey had bought her with his NHL paychecks. She felt great that night.
She let Kasey pull her close, tilting her face up to meet his lips halfway.
“We’re the hot couple here,” she informed him, placing a hand on his chest and flattening a crease there. Night blue suit and hair brushed back, away from his face. Kasey always had something regal about his attire. He blushed every time she said it.
“You do know that Fleury and his wife are just outside on the balcony, don’t you?” he grinned.
She laughed. “You’ll have to update me on the All Star’s ass situation now that you’ve seen them in the locker room.”
She took in Kasey’s blush with pleasure. “Well,” he whispered, looking around, “We weren’t wrong about some.”
-
Natalie knew the moment Alexander O’Hara walked into the room without having to turn around. Looking at Kasey’s face was enough. The way his smile grew and opened was rare among that many people–Alex was one of the few who could make it happen.
She turned anyway, and found she could do nothing about the warm feeling that invaded her chest.
Alex O’Hara was a sight to behold. She’d always thought so, even before complicated emotions got in the way, and the feeling skyrocketed at the sight. The perfectly tailored black tuxedo, crashing with the mess of red wisps, was enough for her to feel her own smile grow. Freckles wrinkled in a smile as he shook hands left and right, charisma flowing out of him in a natural stream. Natalie guessed that everyone felt special when Alex O’Hara’s attention was on them, but she couldn’t help it. When he spotted them, she felt like they were more special than everyone else on the roof.
Kasey’s hand stilled on her shoulder for a second, a firm and gentle grasp. Then he was stepping forward, and crashing in an embrace with the redhead. The way they hugged was like a well-practice dance, or an action on the ice. Alex always got on his toes to reach Kasey, and always let the blond place his arms around his neck. And no matter how many times Natalie had seen them hug, the way Kasey’s back relaxed at the contact would always melt her.
“Kasey Winter,” Alex announced once they parted, jostling the goalie’s shoulder a few times. Then his eyes fell on her, and his grin grew impossibly more. “And Natalie Darcy.”
She felt her cheeks hurt from the smile.
The next second, she was engulfed in a hug of their own, her feet leaving the ground for a second as Alex’s delighted laugh rumbled against her shoulder. Her arms held on as tight as she could for what was only a hug with her boyfriend’s ex-teammate.
-
“Fancy seeing you out of your goalie cage.”
“Fancy seeing you out of the penalty box.”
“Walked all the way over here, Alexander?”
“Is that even a question, Natalia?”
“Not really, as you’re late.”
Natalie let herself relax into the comfort of their own little bubble. God , how she’d missed this.
-
Kasey got them drinks. Alex challenged Natalie to a jazz dance battle. Kasey and Natalie posed for pictures as Alex frowned in focus. Kasey and Alex told Natalie stories of their past roadies and wild nights out until she spilled her drink.
Kasey and Alex.
Nat and Kasey.
Alex and Nat.
KaseyandAlexandNatandKaseyandNatandKaseyandAlex-
-
“You can’t tell me you’re not cold in just that.”
Natalie turned from where she was looking at the tiny, busy streets at the edge of the balcony. Alexander was there, a hand stuffed in his pocket, another holding a glass of whiskey, head slightly tilted to the side. The lifted corner of his mouth had the same, dim glow of the string lights above their heads.
He stopped at her side, joining her silent watch for a few minutes. Mesmerising neon and a hundred horns and messy lines of cars. The circular motions of the glass in Alexander’s hand. The cold rail against her bare forearms.
It was getting late, and the cold February temperatures had pushed everyone back inside. The band was still playing some slow songs, and the air had shifted from electric to relaxed.
“There aren’t this many skyscrapers in Gryffindor,” Natalie heard herself say after a while. “It’s not bad. Just different.”
Alex nodded.
He’d visited. Gryffindor was familiar now. But it had also meant trade, goodbyes, and things they’d slowly let go of as they built a new life. She’d never forget those first days, before she could join Kasey, in which he wouldn’t talk or answer his phone much. She always felt like she should put a good word on Gryffindor with Alex. There had been a long period of radio silence after Kasey’s trade.
A finger poked her arm slightly, distracting her from her thoughts.
“Yep,” Alex said, “You’re freezing.”
Natalie looked up at him.
There were some things Natalie would one day say she’d change about that moment. At the same time, she never wanted it to end.
When she realised she’d been staring at his lips for a while, she turned to the city again, shrugging.
“Well, it is February, Alexander. But I don’t feel cold.”
“Hmm. Wonder if those four cocktails have anything to do with it.”
“Maybe it’s just my strong constitution.”
“The cold never bothered you anyway.”
They stared at each other unimpressed for a moment before breaking into giggles together. Natalie leaned in a little, and their shoulders touched. Oh, his jacket was warm.
She pressed herself more against him. She liked that warmth. She’d missed it.
An arm circled her shoulders, moving up and down for some friction. The other brought the glass to her hands.
“Have some. It’ll warm you up.”
That, Natalie thought as she relaxed more into Alex, she would never change about that night.
The whiskey burned down her throat, and maybe her heart pounding in her ears had to do with that.
Alex seemed to become very aware of their position as well. She felt him look up, then to the side, then down to the tiny cars again. His hair brushed against her cheek in a light tingle.
She wondered where—
“Kasey’s inside.”
Oh.
“His captain finally made it to the party. Really serious, that Black.”
Natalie groaned. “Oh God, you did not.”
“I’m afraid I just did,” Alex sighed. He looked in the distance. “That boy just needs to grow into his gear. Like Kasey did.”
Natalie nodded. She pressed imperceptibly more into Alex’s grip.
“Kasey’s alright,” she said softly.
Alex’s nose was against her hair, and his chest close to her shoulder. So, she didn’t miss the way his breath hitched a little. Then, a gentle inhale. A nod.
“I know. I know he is.”
Silence lasts longer that time, so long that she began to worry she’d said the wrong thing. She parted from him enough to look up. But his expression was peaceful, a small smile glowing with the rest of the city. His eyes, half hidden by the messy hair, dropped on her lips.
“I know he is,” he repeated, almost in a whisper. “He’s with you.”
Natalie felt on fire.
She looked at him, looked for him, for any hint or suggestion of what was going to happen next. It’s like they already knew, though, as they’d always both known, and arrived at the edge of the cliff just then. Natalie felt her eyes widen, her breathing stopping. Alex was a solid, warm force against her. Keeping her close and warm. But at the same time, like he couldn’t help it, letting himself be at her mercy.
They stilled in that moment, studying each other’s face for any sign of false alarm or joke intentions. But Alex wasn’t backing down or downplaying it. He showed his cards. It was Natalie’s turn to find that courage in herself. Her hands were itching and her head felt light. Is this really happening, echoed in her mind.
She opened and closed her mouth a couple of times before managing a few words out. Delicate and vulnerable.
“You’re in love with my boyfriend, Alexander.”
“Yes.”
“You need a haircut.”
“Yes.”
Her breath faltered. “You’re in love with me.”
“Yes.”
Oh.
His voice was even, like he didn't have much of a fight left inside him. A criminal finally confessing his crime after a night of interrogations.
Natalie looked at him with half-parted lips, speechless with the confirmation of what had navigated in her mind for far too long. Alexander remained silent and still, probably waiting for a reaction on her part –well, he’d just spilled his heart out to her. His eyes were big and vulnerable, without any grin or funny face to shield himself.
She had no words, and too many at once. She’d prayed for this moment to come with a mix of hope and guilt that had left her feeling like a sinner heading to confession.
She didn’t know what to say, but she knew what she felt—God, what Kasey felt, what they both felt for Alexander. And he feels the same way. What she’d feared the distance would erase had only made it clearer. And he feels the same way. She smiled hard, and started nodding, looking for his eyes.
Alex looked up at her in surprise, eyes big and brows up. He nodded back once, a timid question, a confirmation that exposing his heart hadn’t been in vain.
Natalie kept nodding, her smile grew, and had to grasp his forearm. She opened her mouth, ready to let it all out.
I’m so happy. I’ve wished for this moment for so long. Kasey loves you, too. We talk about you every day. I think I love you, too, or I will, soon, it’s inevitable—
The notes of Bad Romance filling the air were the comedic prelude of the tragedy.
Natalie didn’t have to look down at where Alex’s phone was vibrating in his pocket and turning on with an upcoming call. That song had been his ringtone ever since they’d met, born as a lost bet against his brother and then stuck because he “actually didn’t mind it”.
Lady Gaga screamed in between them, but the silence was still deafening, toning the moment down, bringing them back to earth, to an open roof in New York City. Alex closed his eyes in a flinch, probably half cursing himself, half pretending his phone wasn’t ringing.
He opened and closed his mouth a few times, looking embarrassed and lost at the same time. He let it ring for a while, hoping whoever was calling would give up, but in the end he had to reach for the phone. His eyes as he took it in hand were almost outraged. Natalie could have sworn they were once again thinking the same thing—throwing the damn phone over the balcony. The cold light of the screen made his frown glow.
“Fuck, it’s my agent. He’s been trying to call me all day, it must be something—”
Natalie blinked, still dizzy from what the call had just interrupted. But the mortified expression on the redhead’s face made her reach out to his arm. She tried for a smile.
“Hey, of course, don’t worry. I’ll be here.”
Alex let out a sound of frustration, and he took his jacket off to place it on Natalie’s shoulder. Warm.
“Here, to keep you warm. I’m so sorry. Fuck. I’ll, I’ll be back in a minute. Don’t think that this call is more important than—”
Natalie smiled. “Go, Red.”
Alex sprinted a few steps away, before turning again. “I’m sorry, I feel like I’m fucking this up, I’ll try and—”
Natalie wanted to kiss him. “Alexander, I’m not leaving. Go.”
Alex nodded, and grinned over his shoulder when he turned again.
“I’ll come get you, Natalia!”
Maybe she would.
She smiled, shaking her head. With her gaze on Alex’s back, she tilted her head to inhale the cologne on his jacket.
-
“Alex?”
“Hey Robert, hi. Sorry I haven’t replied, it was a crazy day…”
“Alex…”
“And now I’m having, ah, a moment, kind of an important talk…”
“Alex.”
“So, if I can call you back later, or tomorrow morning, that would be…”
“Alex.”
Alex stopped his pacing, eyes stilling on the skyline.
Robert stayed silent.
And that’s how he knew.
He looked at the silhouette of his city for a second more. Millions of lights and voices and dreams. Man, he loved his city. He…he would miss it. He silently thanked Rob for conceding him that second.
He inhaled, and it came out a little shaky. He turned to look at where Natalie was waiting for him. She was stunning, in her silk dress, looking like a muse, and wearing his jacket in a way that was just right and natural. She met his eyes and smiled .
It felt egoist, looking at her just to find the courage to force that single word out of his mouth.
“Where?”
-
Natalie looked at Alex as he paced fastly around the open roof, a hand pressing the phone to his ear . The little jump in his steps made her smile.
Her fingers unconsciously went to brush her lips, where Alex’s intense gaze was still burning.
An involuntary smile crossed her face. They’d almost kissed. And Alex would come back, and they’d kiss for real this time, and they would find Kasey. They would turn this into something. God, the face Kase would make. The realisation hitting him and finally peace, release, the three of them, together—
Alex turned, and Natalie’s smile died the moment their eyes met.
Red eyes stared back at her for a long moment. The next, he was gone.
-
Natalie was still staring at the wall Alex had disappeared behind when she felt a hand on her back.
“Nat, I was looking for you,” Kasey said, his smile on her. “What happened? Weren’t you with Alex, where…”
Natalie just stared at him, not sure what to say. Or where to start.
Kasey frowned, hand going to her cheek. Warm. “Nat. Baby, you okay?”
Natalie looked back at the wall.
-
It was Kasey who found him.
It was a dark, hidden part of the terrace, with a few bushes left out of display.
He stopped in front of him, looking down at where Alexander was sitting on the small step before the balcony. Kasey said nothing for a while, waiting for him to lower the hands from his face. His phone was in between his feet. Kasey wanted to throw it away with all his force. But he stayed still.
He heard a harsh sob and had to look up at the sky so not to break down in one himself.
He breathed in, bracing himself for the inevitable hit.
“Where?”
“Florida. Tampa Bay Lightning.”
It knocked Kasey out like a punch to his stomach. The air forced out of his lungs, the nausea. But the adrenaline that softened the hits on the ice, mentally if anything, was nowhere in sight. What had proceeded, and what followed, was the sensation of the floor crumpling under his feet.
He nodded a few times, mostly to himself. He was glad for the dark. He didn’t know what his face was doing, but it was out of his control.
“Fucking bouncy ice, eh?”
It came out too shaky to sound like a joke, but it made Alex look up at him. Kasey watched him pass a hand on his face to dry his cheeks.
He looked exhausted.
His mouth opened and closed a few times. Then he shook his head.
“Nat and I, we…”
“I know,” Kasey interrupted softly, because he knew that repeating it out loud would have killed them both. “She told me.” He almost whispered the words that followed. “I..I love that you two..were talking about it.”
You’re both braver than me, always have been, he couldn’t bring himself to add. Every word burnt too much, and he simply had to hope that Alex was reading his mind as he always did.
The redhead shook his head.
He opened and closed his mouth again, only for no sound to come out.
Kasey saw the monumental effort it took him to try for a smile. But it crumpled before reaching his face.
“I…I thought I finally had you. I…I feel so stupid now.” He sobbed, and Kasey looking down at him with wide eyes, was left with no air. “I feel so, so stupid.”
-
The party was over.
The terrace slowly emptied, and no chatter could be heard from inside. The three of them had been sitting on the cold steps for what felt like hours, staring at the wall in front of them without a word. That’s how Natalie had found them. Sitting next to each other, with dishevelled expressions and suits. She’d taken Alex’s other side, a hand immediately finding his back. A small kiss on his shoulder, Kasey’s hand finding hers for a second.
And now, elegant clothes on concrete, staring at a grey wall at a party, Natalie couldn’t help thinking how deeply unfair it was. How it should have gone entirely differently. Hell, how young they were.
In the back of her mind, the sparkle of hope that her talk with Alexander had ignited was slow to die. They could have been talking, a mile a minute, of their feelings, and all the times they’d wanted to kiss, and laugh in relief. Alex would have taken them on a walk around the city, smiling smitten and relaxed. Natalie had seen a glimpse of the euphoria that Alexander would have been wearing on his face for days and weeks, just before the phone rang. Nothing close to the thin line his lips were now. They could have spent the night together, unable to sleep, and they would have figured something out. New York and Gryffindor weren’t that far.
Tampa and Gryffindor…that was an entirely different story.
“It’s…” Kasey started after a while, voice too hoarse. Natalie could feel the tears at the back of his throat. “It’s not that…it could be worse—”
“Kase,” Alex sighed, a hand going to the blond’s shoulder. “Not now.”
Kasey closed his eyes shut, nodding hard.
“There’ll be time for that,” Alex said softly. “Just not now.”
Kasey kept nodding vigorously. A harsh inhale took him by surprise, and a sob shook his shoulders. Natalie felt her heart break for the hundredth time that night. She itched to lower his head on her shoulder or take his hand in hers. Instead, she watched him bring them to cover his eyes, and finally let go in a way that Natalie had only seen once before. Not a silent, still tear crossing his face on its own, but a breathless, desperate cry for someone to tell him that it wasn’t really happening.
Alex pulled him close, leading Kasey’s head on his shoulder. His eyes were a vague, glassy stare at the wall in front of them. Puffy and red from crying, without any trace of the sparkle or warmth that Natalie had fallen for.
She laced her arm with his. She wanted to lean against him like she had just an hour ago, and close her eyes, but she couldn’t. Alex was already holding Kasey, and she didn’t know how long he could resist before collapsing on the floor.
She pressed her cheek against his shoulder, a second too late to realise her melted makeup would stain his white shirt—it was cold, Alex was cold. She considered giving back his jacket but found that she couldn’t. Just like she couldn’t think of moving at all, or of the moment they’d have to part, each on their way, with Alex muttering I have to start packing.
When would she smell his cologne again? The thought made her grip his arm tighter.
She couldn’t break the spell—no one could, no one wanted to. Life would continue as if three broken hearts weren’t holding each other as long as possible before miles would pour in between them. And all they’d be left with would be a sense of smallness, like dice scattered around a board game. It wasn’t bliss, what they had right there, but Natalie still would not dare to break it.
So, she pressed her check against a cold, stained shoulder, and let her own sobs mix with two different rhythms.
-
When goodbyes eventually had to be said, words were nowhere to be found. Natalie made Alex promise he’d call once he was all settled in. And no one felt like it was right, but Alex’s jacket returned in a bundle to his hands.
They hugged. First Alex and Natalie, after sharing a long look and a small kiss on the cheek. Then she left them for a few minutes. It took Kasey just a glance to understand they were both thinking about last year. That single kiss at the airport. Long cries before and after. The feeling of the universe taking pleasure in bringing them close and then throwing them in opposite directions again. God, they’d worked hard to share friendly smiles again without the bitterness creeping in. Kasey shook his head to himself, almost surrendering to that destiny.
It took them a while to even look at each other. And, God, they’d cried that night, but Kasey felt the familiar burn build up behind his eyelids again. He tasted blood in his mouth for how long he’d been torturing the inside of his cheek.
“Hey.”
Alex was smiling. Eyes red, cheeks still wet. Hands stuffed in his pockets again. Kasey threw himself at him hard enough to feel the breath forced out of him. But less than a second later, arms were gripping back twice as strong.
Feeling each other’s raspy, destroyed sobs was a comfort and torture at the same time.
“’M getting snot on your shirt,” Kasey mumbled after their breaths calmed down.
Alex’s grip tightened. “’S okay. I have your snot and Nat’s mascara.”
“Please wash that shirt or throw it away.”
“Don’t tell me what to do.”
When they parted after one last squeeze, Kasey was able to smile back. Trembly, sad, but a start. They stood there, unable to move, until Alex’s hand unconsciously started dangling back and forth. His fingers caught Kasey’s in a soft hold.
But it lasted less than a second.
Kasey took a step back, as if burned, and stuffed his hands in his pockets like Alex always did. He broke his own heart the moment he did it. He watched Alex blush, eyes dropping to his feet, and nodding. Kasey cursed himself, and he didn’t need to go on with his life to know he’d continue to do so for many years.
Alex had to look away to manage a smile, and he tilted his head at him.
“See you on the ice, Blizzard.”
Before Kasey could say anything, he was gone.
-
Natalie needed to see him leave. Kasey couldn’t.
She turned to watch him leave the terrace. If she’d seen their interaction, she didn’t mention. Kasey squeezed his eyes shut, cursing himself, Alex O’Hara, hockey, and agent calls. He cursed Florida, airports, and himself again for not conceding to themselves the last act of grace Alex had been willing to give him before losing him for the second time.
The party was over.