Work Text:
The Constitution of the UHA
Preamble
We the women of Teyvat, in order to form a more perfect relationship, establish justice, ensure international tranquility, provide for the common good, promote the general welfare, and secure the Blessings of Aether for ourselves and our posterity, do ordain and establish this Constitution of the United Harem of Aether.
Article 1 Legislative Power
The power to make laws resides in the legislative branch, which shall be composed of two bodies. First, the House which shall be composed of delegates from each nation, as determined by the nation’s population. The House members shall serve two-year terms before stepping down. Second, the Senate which shall be composed of elected officials from each nation. Every nation shall elect its own two Senators from the harem. Senators will serve six-year terms and then step down for the next representatives.
Legislation shall only pass with a majority approval from both the House and the Senate, as well as the approval of the executive branch. The executive reserves the right to veto the legislation, however the legislative branch may override the veto with a two-thirds majority vote from both houses. The legislative branch may impeach and remove the executive from office with a two-thirds majority vote in both houses.
Article 2 Judicial Power
Judicial power shall reside with judicial nominees nominated by the President for one ten-year term. Each justice shall receive a predetermined compensation for their services. Each justice shall recuse themselves should the case present a conflict of interests. Ultimate judicial authority resides with the Chief Justice Neuvillette, who has the power of judicial review. To qualify as a justice, the individual in question must: have access to the Serenitea Pot and be a nonmember of the UHA.
Jade Seeker, Katheryne, Ushi, and Paimon shall hear low-level cases related to domestic affairs. Meanwhile, national disputes shall be heard by a jury composed of two justices representing each nation. For the first session of the UHA, these justices shall be:
for Mondstadt: Dvalin and Andrius and Ella Musk and Timmie and Duel Saint of Cats Prince;
for Liyue: Moon Carver and Mountain Shaper and Guoba and Uncle Tian and Madame Ping;
for Inazuma: Amenoma Tougo and Neko and grandmaster Hanekado and Hiiragi Chisato and Taroumaru;
for Sumeru: Nahida and Karkata and Dunyarzard and an Aranara appointee and Bongo-head;
And for Fontaine: Sedene and Aeval and Caterpillar and “Painter” DeNiro and Don Quijano.
Each case shall have an equal number of Justices representing each nation. The Justices chosen for any case will vary according to availability. Additionally, Jade Seeker, Neuvillette, Katheryne, or Paimon will vote in the event of a tie. Tubby may nominate judicial appointees, which must be approved by a majority of the Senate. If the Senate fails to hold a hearing for the nominee within three to four working weeks, then the nomination passes without the need for a vote.
Also please don’t accuse Tubby of bias for appointing so many nonhumans as judges, given the many nonhuman members of the Harem it only seemed fair. As for the children appointees, diversity of perspective seemed beneficial.
Article 3 Executive Power
All laws passed by the legislative bodies must be approved by the executive power, President Tubby. President Tubby shall have sole power to admit or deny any other women into the harem, grant executive pardons, as well as the authority to enforce legislation by means of commanding the armed forces. In the event President Tubby is indisposed, executive power shall instead rest with Jade Seeker, then Nahida, then Neko, then Madame Ping, then Neuvillette, then Dual Saint of Cats Prince, and lastly, Paimon.
Only nonmembers of the Harem may run for the executive branch. The executive must be a person who is born in Teyvat, has acquired an age of an equivalent of at least ten human years, and one who has access to the Serenitea Pot. They will have four-year terms, limited to two terms total. Additionally, the president shall select a vice-president, who shall in turn pick the line of succession.
The president may not: accept bribes, pardon him or herself, collude with enemies of the UHA, or tamper with election results.
Article 4 Relations with the Traveler
The right to relationships with the Traveler is bound by the results of the lots drawn the day of this document’s ratification. The order is as follows:
- Noelle
- Jeht
- Collei
- Furina
- Sucrose
- Charlotte
- Amber
- Mona
- Yoimiya
- Navia
- Faruzan
- Kirara
- Jean
- Beidou
- Lynette
- Dehya
- Ganyu
- Barbara
- Xiangling
- Yanfei
- Layla
- Kokomi
- Yun Jin
- Rosaria
- Fischl
- Candace
- Hu Tao
- Chevreuse
- Shinobu
- Ningguang
- Ei
- Eula
- Yelan
- Shenhe
- Nilou
- Mirror Maiden
- Ayaka
- Keqing
- Lisa
- Yae Miko
Additional arrivals to the harem shall be placed at the bottom of this drawing. Officially, the order of this lot will be changed upon one cycle with a new drawing of lots. Tubby will preside over all lot drawings.
This lot shall also determine the order of sexual relations. Any person who attempts to seduce Aether out of turn is banished from the Serenitea Pot and the harem, however, three-ways or other unconventional relationships are permissible so long as both Aether and the person in question consent.
Also, please stop accusing Tubby of rigging the results so the most “wholesome” Harem members would go first. Tubby did not. Nor did Tubby rig the results so the “horniest” Harem members would go last.
Note: this constitution was ratified prior to the inclusion of Xianyun and Chiori to the harem.
Article 5 Children
Any children produced by the harem belong equally to each member of the harem. Therefore, duties of childcare and rearing shall be mutually shared, thereby dividing the burdens and sharing the joys of parenthood.
Additionally, Tubby is godmother to all children. They shall address her as Auntie Tubby.
Article 6 Lobbying
It’s illegal. No exceptions. Looking at you, Ningguang.
Article 7 Aether
All Harem members share equal responsibility in looking after Aether’s wellbeing. This includes his mental and physical health, financial wellbeing, his safety in their nation, and his meaningful love life. The end goal of this Harem must therefore be ensuring Aether’s happiness above any selfish pursuits.
Article 8 Decency
No flirting or nasty business when one of the kids is in the Teapot. Moreover, Harem members shall not bring children into the teapot with the intent of thwarting another member’s relationships with Aether.
Article 9 Dates
Each member shall have a date spanning the length of 24 hours with Aether according to the order of their lots. Their date shall not be impeded or interfered by any other. Should Aether be occupied on the day of said date, the date shall be postponed for a later day. Every person must have their turn.
Article 10 Consent
Aether must give his explicit consent for any sexual encounter. Additionally, the consent is invalid if Aether is: 1. Intoxicated or inebriated 2. Asleep 3. Sickly 4. Too exhausted to refuse. Additional consent must be given for unconventional sexual interactions.
Bill of Rights
Amendment 1
Every member of the Harem shall have the freedoms of religion, free speech, press, assembly, and petition. So Ei, don’t impugn on the people of Watatsumi for worshipping Orobashi. And Shenhe, don’t threaten Charlotte for writing unflattering articles. Actually, don’t threaten anyone if possible.
Amendment 2
No weapons in the Serenitea Pot. All weapons brought into the Teapot must be left with Tubby. Please follow this rule, for Archon’s sake, Tubby cannot be constantly rebuilding the Teapot whenever you horndog maniacs break something.
Amendment 3
Please don’t quarter soldiers in the Serenitea Pot. Intimidation of other suitors will not be tolerated.
Amendment 4
Harem members may not bribe justices with luxury cruises, lavish vacations, or any other gifts. Seriously, do we have to spell that out?
Amendment 5
No walking around the Serenitea Pot in the nude to attract Aether. You’d think we wouldn’t need an amendment for this, but no. Apparently, this must be written down into law. You all disappoint Tubby.
Amendment 6
Unless he gives consent, no peeping on Aether in the hot springs or the shower. Let’s have some self-control, ladies.
Amendment 7
The length of a typical date is 24-hours in Teyvat’s time. No harem member shall take Aether on a date in a time-dilated area where a day out here is 500 years in the area. It was a clever loophole, but it violates the spirit of the law.
Amendment 8
Dehya, Eula, and Beidou may not have a four-way with Aether as their predisposition towards alcohol may lead to fields of dubious consent.
Xiangling, Navia, and Noelle may not have a four-way with Aether as they leave a mess with their ‘food play.’ Tubby finds the waste of perfectly good food deplorable.
Amendment 9
On the Traveler’s birthday, the order determined by lots shall be briefly suspended. Everyone shall celebrate the occasion in the Serenitea Pot with Aether.
Amendment 10
If Aether opts to spend a UHA member’s birthday with them or their children, then the individual who would have had their turn on said day will receive their date on the next available day.
Amendment 11
Aether does not bear the burden of child support. UHA members shall pool resources, when necessary, to support any children.
Amendment 12
Ying’er is banned from the judicial branch for “unsavory innuendoes” hinting at “intention to seduce the Traveler.”
Amendment 13
No nation shall conquer another nation with the intention of bringing both nations under one rule, thus solidifying the nation’s control of the UHA. Ei and Ningguang insist they never intended this and only said this in jest, but it is no jest.
Amendment 14
Shenhe and Ei may not have a three-way with Aether, as their combined strength threatens to destroy the Serenitea Pot if fueled by hormonal lust. Plus, they could break him.
Amendment 15
Neko, TCG Legend Prince, and Don Quijano will not preside over a case with Taromaru. Personal disagreement with the canine perspective leads to inability to serve on a single panel together. Additionally, they and Taromaru will not preside over a case involving catlike Harem members, such as Kiara and Lynnette.
Amendment 16
Guoba will not preside over a case involving Xiangling.
Amendment 17
Neuvillette shall not preside over a case involving Furina.
Amendment 18
Madame Ping will not preside over a case involving Xiangling, Yanfei, or any of her other students.
Amendment 19
Dunyarzard will not preside over a case involving Dehya.
Amendment 20
Moon Carver and Mountain Shaper will not preside over a case involving Shenhe or Ganyu, as Cloud Retainer has undue influence over their judgement.
Amendment 21
Windblume, Lantern Rite, Irodori Festival, Interdarshan Championship, and the Furina Film Festival are all federal holidays. Dates shall resume post-festival.
Amendment 22
We probably should’ve added this in the original articles, but we didn’t because we didn’t think it had to be said. No slipping Aether aphrodisiacs. This applies to Lisa and Sucrose. Aether may be given aphrodisiacs only with his consent.
Amendment 23
Please, for the love of Celestia, no putting Aether in any weird sex machines. Additionally, no one outside of the UHA may have relationships with Aether. And yes, both these provisions were made because of Xianyun.
Amendment 24
No bribing the judges with luxury designer clothes. Chiori.
Amendment 25
The UHA formally apologizes for failing to recognize Xinyan and Aloy as UHA members. Amber explains, “We kind of just…forgot about you two. Sorry.”
Amendment 26
Yae Miko, Lisa, Yelan, and Mirror Maiden may not have a five-way with Aether. They leave him far too drained for the next person. That, and Aether has complained about the cuffs and ropes hurting his wrists/ankles/neck/privates. On that note, these five are banned from: pegging, BDSM, and excessive orgasm denial.
Yanfei studied the constitution. No doubt they’d be amending it for some time, and she didn’t quite like Tubby’s little snide commentary. Still, as far as starting points went, this wasn’t half-bad.
Shinobu, who had been reading along, snorted. “Tubby sure takes shots at us.” Privately though, she had to admit this UHA could prove more irrational and childish than the Arrataki gang. The fact they needed amendments barring nudity and time-dilation proved that much. Honestly, the cats acting as judges could be more civil than the women.
“You know,” said Yanfei, “it’s funny.”
Shinobu quirked an eyebrow. “That we unironically have a harem constitution?”
“Well that,” she said. “But just might be the first constitution to establish a government that transcends nationality. A document that binds the nations…that’s never been done before, not on this scale. I can’t help feeling like this constitution could lead to something… incredible.”
Shinobu blinked. “What?”
“Ironically, world peace if we ever get Natlan and Schneznaya aboard…” Yanfei paused. “Well, they probably will be in a few years. I mean this is Aether were talking about.”
Both women sighed, daydreaming about their dashing Traveler.
Not far off, by the mansion’s entrance, Tubby’s heart skipped several beats. More women? Celestia preserve her—the girls already present were driving the poor Adeptus insane. As if managing the realm within wasn’t hard enough, now she had to act as president for these women who became hormonal savages when it came to Aether. Tubby had no clue how she’d manage more members.
She could refuse to admit them, but Tubby had a hard time saying no. Sure, Aether gave out realm dispatches all willy-nilly, but he put so much work into the Serenitea Pot and he rarely asked for much. It’s not like he meant to woo all these ladies—it genuinely just sort of happened. Anyways, after all he’d been through, Aether earned a little happiness.
Tubby would put up with it until her term as president expired. Through all her extra stress, she did have one consolation. A certain promise that she had extracted from Aether.
One day, Tubby thought with quiet pride, his children shall call me ‘Auntie Tubby.’ And I shall have influence over the most powerful children in Teyvat.
She glowed at the idea. Yes, soon. The Year of Auntie Tubby was close at hand.