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Jaewon never considered himself to be the clingy type, and up until recently if you had asked him about any relationships he’s been in where he got overly attached, he wouldn’t have an answer to give. He’s cared about the girls he dated, sure, but there was always a healthy distance he kept between them and himself. If he were honest, he’s never clicked with any of them in any significant way. So, no, he’s not the clingy type. Or he wasn’t, anyway.
The brown haired, doe-eyed, clearly out of his element waiter that he met after his embarrassing argument with Taehyung left a lasting impression on him. Made him a changed man, he supposes. Because now he can’t stop thinking about him, days after the fact.
The guy stepped in between them and pulled Jaewon away from Taehyung. And then they met eyes and Jaewon felt himself pause. The waiter was cute, the lights inside the restaurant were dim, but being that close Jaewon got the full, detailed picture. His face is round, his nose slim, his lips looked soft, his eyes were a little wide with panic, and Jaewon very suddenly forgot where they were and what was happening.
The moment between them passed quickly, ending when the lingering touch on Jaewon’s arm fell, and the guy looked away, attention drawn back to an agitated Taehyung, still fussing and cursing at Jaewon. But that passed too, when Taehyung’s drunken mind forgets and forgives him not even ten minutes later, planting a damp kiss on his cheek and sluggishly waxing poetic in his ear, puffing warm beer breath against the side of his face.
Maybe it was a reprieve of sorts, to be acknowledged plainly and gifted cigarettes after being repeatedly slighted and pushed (literally) by Taehyung for a majority of the night. To be given congratulations from the stranger, and then falling a little awkwardly into small talk with him, it felt like fresh air, and Jaewon hung off of his every word. He sidled closer to him, throwing an arm around him and squeezing his shoulder, offering friendship and silently hoping he accepted.
They’re interrupted when his friends tumble out of the building, swaying and wobbly on their feet. Jaewon rushes to assist, and before he can get too far the stranger stops him, placing a lighter in his hand and claiming the restaurant has too many of them lying around.
Their hands touch in the exchange, and his fingers are cold against his. They both linger a second too long, holding onto each end of the lighter while their fingers brush and press.
Then it’s over. The stranger lets go and turns, heading inside. Jaewon watches him go and hesitates to leave, staring at the doors and yearning for another glimpse of him.
Jaewon’s mind had clung onto the memory of the night before, even after he sobered up, even as hours passed by and life trucked on. He goes to school here , he remembers in the morning and then didn’t stop thinking about him for the rest of the day. He hardly noticed that he was looking for him, absentmindedly scanning campus ground, distractedly checking his surroundings.
This clinging carried on until Jaewon found himself back in front of the restaurant. ignoring his friends' protests and demands of going somewhere else, he drags them inside.
The guy Jaewon had been anticipating seeing was noticeably absent, and Jaewon tried to not let his disappointment show on his face. Before he can even think about distracting himself with drinks, Eunji shows up, and Jaewon’s mood absolutely plummets. Taehyung had invited her, because of course he did. And his friend's lack of knowledge on their breakup only works to irritate him further, eventually he excuses himself for a smoke.
Jaewon takes a drag, lets it out, stares off into space wondering how he can escape the makeshift intervention inside. The tension between himself and Eunji is nearly unbearable, and Taehyung’s not-subtle-at-all prying makes going back in sound like a fate worse than death. Jaewon sighs, a voice interrupts his thoughts,
“Hello.”
Jaewon turns to look and finds the waiter there, timidly approaching, a curious look on his face. Though he’d been wanting to see him, Jaewon’s mood fails to brighten at his arrival. Jaewon greets him flatly, hardly meets his eye, his sour mood keeping him from interacting with the guy the way he wants to. He stares at the store front, watching Taehyung’s figure move animatedly through the window.
“I didn’t see you earlier.” He says after a beat. He wonders if he can pick up on how pathetic it made him feel, to seek him out and not find him.
“Ah…” the guy starts, Jaewon thinks he sounds a little guilty. “It’s my day off.”
“Then why are you here?”
“I came to have a drink with my boss”
It’s not something to feel bitter about, but it settles in his chest like acid anyway, Jaewon isn’t needed. Isn’t important.
“I see…You do have friends.”
He brings the cigarette up to his mouth, then changes his mind, tossing it to the ground with a sigh and snubbing it out with his shoe.
Jaewon turns to leave but the guy steps in front of him to block his path. Jaewon feels his breath catch— standing next to him and failing to make any eye contact is much different from being face to face, less than an arms length apart. Brown eyes bore into his own and the guy says something, his voice far away in Jaewon’s ears,
“My name is Jihyun.”
Jaewon stares, his mind struggling to catch up. His pupils shake, searching his face for words that aren’t there anymore.
“Huh?” Jaewon mutters belatedly.
“I figured we should know each other’s names if we’re going to be friends.”
Jaewon looks up, unsure of when his gaze had dropped from his eyes to his lips. He swallows around his dry throat, looking away from— from Jihyun. It’s become difficult to look at him, holding his gaze makes his mind move too slow.
Jaewon had seen him earlier that day — talked to him, even — but it wasn’t enough to scratch that strange itch in the back of his mind. He found himself thinking about him, fondly remembering the blunt sort of hospitality he’d shown him when they met. It’s rude to only bring one. He had said, his expression passive, feigning indifference. Or maybe it was genuine, Jaewon can’t tell, not anymore. The memory is rose tinted.
Jihyun , the freshman who carelessly challenged his authority as an elder, who looked at him strangely when he asked Jihyun to call him, and didn’t give him a number to dial. The freshman from the countryside, with pretty brown eyes, and a summery tan, who looks at Jaewon like he’s see through, like the years and years he spent building up his walls and fortifying his defenses meant nothing. It made Jaewon’s heart beat too hard in his chest, scared and excited all the same.
Jaewon can’t help but stare some more, inhibitions and second guessing be damned, he was buzzed. Everything’s a little fuzzy around the edges and it’s making Jihyun glow, bright fluorescent light from the claw machines next to them blending around and into his shape. He’s breathing color, smearing cool hues across Jaewon’s vision.
Maybe Jaewon’s mind is too slow for this, his thoughts all muffled and syrupy, sloshing around in his head. Maybe he shouldn’t have come here, out with his so-called friends and getting drunk again . But deep brown eyes stare back at him, studying him carefully, and maybe Jaewon can’t find it in himself to care.
Taehyung is shitty, Eunji is shitty, he doesn’t want to go back inside, he wants to be here. Held in whatever trance Jihyun has put him under, all slack-jawed and distracted. Jaewon shifts his weight back subtly when he feels himself swaying forward, closer to Jihyun. He’s glad he has half a mind to do that, kissing someone you’ve just met is a low Jaewon didn’t want to reach, at least not yet. Maybe when he’s gotten to know him a little better.
But Jaewon doesn’t say or do any of that, of course. Instead, he returns the introduction, practiced niceties spilling from his mouth with little effort. He urges Jihyun to get home safe, brushes past him quickly, and heads back inside.
- ••
Jihyun’s head is warm and heavy on his shoulder. He doesn’t even try to bite back the smile that stretches across his face, doesn’t attempt to refrain from staring at him as he rests against him. His face is relaxed, features soft with sleep, his lips parted slightly.
Jaewon bites his lip and faces forward.
There’s that feeling again.
- ••
The image of Jihyun in front of him is biblical, as sunlight streams in through the high windows and cascades across his skin, Jaewon can’t help but feel fortunate that he’s allowed to see this.
He dresses Jihyun slowly, more gentle and careful than he needs to be. He slips his feet through the wetsuit and then tugs it up calves and over his knees before standing, urging Jihyun to his feet as well.
He tugs the wet suit up, up over his hips. Jihyun slips his arms inside the sleeves and Jaewon turns him around so he can zip up the back. Is Jihyun losing his mind like he is? Jaewon’s blood rushes loudly in his ears, and he feels flush, all hot under his collar as he dresses Jihyun and watches miles of smooth skin disappear behind nylon. He feels like he’s fighting himself, trying desperately to keep his touching appropriate. His heart pounds, his mouth waters, and he wonders if Jihyun would let him undress him if he asks nicely.
- ••
The world around them seems far away in Jaewon’s periphery. Jihyun focuses on his food— slurping his noodles down without care, hardly sparing Jaewon a glance— all while Jaewon’s focus is solely on him. Everything Jihyun does he finds endearing, just watching him eat and mess around in the water is enough to make his stomach flutter. He wonders briefly if his heart is visible on his sleeve, but lets the worry pass. If it is, it doesn’t matter, doesn't change anything.
Jihyun was facing his fears, that’s what he told Jaewon when he asked him why he joined the surf club. Coming from a rural town where everybody knows everybody, into a bustling, densely populated city is a drastic enough change. But Jihyun had taken it in stride, got a part time job, joined a club. A change of scenery, a change of pace, walking a new path in life requires change to nurture growth. Out with the old , and so on. Trauma should be healed, forgiven and moved past. It’s commendable, Jaewon thinks, and he’s a little envious. He never quite managed to muster up that type of courage, that rock solid tenacity that Jihyun pours into everything he does.
Jaewon teases Jihyun a little as he eats, and it flies over his head, predictably. Jaewon smiles, naturally, genuinely.
He lets himself fall, just a little , it can’t hurt.
- ••
Being subjected to Eunji’s nagging is especially mind numbing when he’s drunk. Her excuses are as half-assed now as they were months ago when he broke it off with her, “How many times do I have to tell you it was a misunderstanding?” Maybe he’d be free from her onslaught if he’d called her out explicitly for being a cheater instead of vaguely alluding to it, but at the time he figured that was the best way to avoid any complications.
Jaewon was wrong, obviously, because here they are, arguing. Eunji huffs and puffs and he can’t bring himself to care anymore.
Jaewon turns away from her and he locks eyes with Jihyun, who looks away just as quickly as their eyes had met. Jaewon pauses and stares. Even when it’s near pitch black outside, and the lights from the building behind them can only dimly light his shape, Jaewon sees him.
The rest of the world fades away again, whatever he was about to say to Eunji dies on his tongue and he ignores her altogether, decidedly done with the conversation. He can see her walk away in his peripheral.
He makes his way over to Jihyun leisurely, and squats down beside him.
“Are you making a hobby out of eavesdropping on my conversations?”
Jihyun’s brows raise in confusion, and he pulls an AirPod out of his ear. “What?” Jaewon stares at him incredulously. “I didn’t hear anything, I was listening to music.” He explains.
Jaewon plops down beside him with a huff and Jihyun shoots him a curious glance. “Are you alright?” He asks.
“I’m jealous of you.”
Jihyun doesn’t respond. He averts his gaze, briefly considering the can of beer in his hands.
Jaewon sways lightly where he sits, rocking back and forth. “You don’t know what I mean, do you?” He asks, titling his head at him.
“I’m jealous of you, Hyung.”
Jaewon blinks. “Of what?”
“You look like you’re not afraid of anything.”
It’s inconceivable how Jihyun’s words make him feel. He can’t pin down just one. It sounds like a compliment, it’s intended as one, clearly, but Jaewon finds it ridiculous. It’s nonsense, and he doesn’t even have to consider it for long, because when Jaewon looks at himself, at his life, all he sees is fear. All he’s known is fear. His confidence is a ruse, simply one of the high walls he’s built and sloppily painted a smile onto.
Jihyun’s words are nonsense. And yet Jaewon feels vindicated by them. Maybe it’s the pairing of alcohol and his infatuation with the guy that’s making it sound so sweet to his ears.
“Then, are you afraid of many things?” He asks, genuinely curious. Jihyun looks at him, doesn’t answer, and turns away, looking out at the dark waters in front of them.
“You lack life experiences is all, there’s a lot of things you just don’t know yet.” Jihyun doesn’t seem all that moved by his answer.
Jaewon let’s it go, smiling to himself. Jihyun takes everything so seriously, there’s always careful consideration on his face. It’s cute.
He smiles a little wider, Jihyun’s earlier words re-registering. “You finally called me ‘Hyung.’”
Jihyun seems struck by this, worry lines creasing his soft features. And that’s not the reaction Jaewon wanted. That’s not why he pointed it out anyway, but now Jihyun’s starting to ramble about the club rules and is making like he’s about to apologize or something. Jaewon doesn’t want that, wants him to stop.
And he does stop him. Grabs the front of his shirt and pulls him forward abruptly, pressing their lips together firmly. It’s awkward, Jaewon feels him tense and inhale sharply through his nose, but he doesn’t pull back. And when Jaewon parts his lips he follows his lead, albeit a little timidly, parting and closing his mouth against his, tipping his head into it.
Kissing him feels like a natural progression of whatever dance they’d been doing all day, and it satisfies that incessant itch in his mind, solves that curious feeling he’d been trying to figure out for the last few days. He’d wanted to kiss him. Wanted to feel Jihyun’s soft mouth against his. Wanted to taste him. His heart leaps and stutters in his chest from finally getting it.
A distant voice sounds out behind them, and they break away, staring at each other. There’s a dumbfounded look on Jihyun’s face, but Jaewon offers no explanation, even if he wanted to give him one he doesn’t have any. He stands silently, turns, and walks away, his skin buzzing with warmth and his lips tingling.
Jaewon chases that feeling in daydreams and passing fantasies; that burning need for contact. He thinks about kissing Jihyun again, letting it consume his mind completely. And he hopes— sooner rather than later — that he won’t have to imagine anymore.