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These days, Tubby felt less like an Adeptus and more like a principal running a school of delinquents. Someone—it hardly mattered who at this point—had mentioned how much Aether adored them. They bragged that she and Aether were basically inseparable.
“So are we,” said Yoimiya. “We love hanging out.”
This in turn, led to Shenhe saying, “The Traveler is quite fond of me as well. He says he enjoys my company.”
“Yeah well, the Traveler calls me partner!”
Navia’s statement caught the attention of three very jealous ladies. Keqing, Nilou, and Ayaka’s heads snapped towards the Fontaine lady. From afar, Tubby could see the green-eyed monster taking root in their expressions.
Ayaka hid her indignant scowl behind her fan. “I’ll have you know Aether fought my nation’s Archon for me.”
“Big deal,” snorted Nilou. “We overthrew a government together.”
“We fought a god together and he spends every Lantern Rite with me,” said Keqing in her blunt way. “Clearly, I’m his favorite.”
The match had been flung upon a pyre doused in an ocean of oil. Every woman rounded on Keqing. No, clearly she was the favorite, not this Yuheng brat. In mere minutes, conflict arose. Ei had drawn her electro sword and Shenhe her talisman. Chiori and Kokomi faced each other, weapons ready. Even the timid Sucrose had her catalyst prepared to douse Xinyan with a vicious concoction. Chevreuse aimed her musket at Candace who raised her shield in defense while Fischl had her bow drawn and trained on Shinobu. Faruzan and Xianyun had deployed their machines of war. It was looking a lot like that first day when the second Archon War almost broke out.
Tubby had to resolve this. She floated to the center, clearing her throat. As president of the UHA, her authority trumped them. Of course, these ladies wouldn’t back down so easily. They seldom did.
“Ladies,” said Tubby. “If you wish to test Aether’s love, I have a suggestion. You might like to know that this test… involves kissing.”
That caught their attention faster than a cat who heard a tuna can opening. Tubby proposed a rather unconventional idea that every woman found both intriguing and impossible to refuse.
Aether sat on the couch, tired after a long day of commissions. Before he could fall asleep, Tubby floated over to him.
“Aether, do you wish to prevent the Second Archon War?”
He blinked, more than a little confused. “Um…sure?”
Tubby handed him a black length of cloth. “Blindfold yourself. Some women are going to kiss you. You must correctly identify each one.”
“How is this going to stop the Second Archon War?”
“Just do it.” Tubby snapped. Well, he wasn’t going to argue with the Adeptus who gave him fragile resin and kept his home tidy. Aether blindfolded himself and sat up on the couch.
He was about to ask “When are we starting,” when a pair of lips pressed against his own. The lips of a strong woman—a sneaky woman, with a hint of Jueyen Chili on her tongue.
“Oh, hey Yelan,” he said.
“How’d you know?”
“Well for starters, I didn’t hear you come in. You are stealthy.”
Behind the blindfold, he could hear her smile. And he was pretty sure Yelan departed, though he couldn’t be sure. A new set of lips lighted on his, and he knew right away.
“Kirara. I can hear your tails wagging.”
Then powerful hands clasped his shirt and brought him up for a strong kiss, salty as the ocean.
“Claiming me like I’m some kind of treasure, Beidou?”
Someone knelt and gave his lips a quick, efficient kiss.
“You drank chamomile tea, Lynette.”
“Indeed. Exiting kissing mode.”
An overwhelming taste of Qingxin along with a cute sort of timidity clued him off to his next kisser.
“Hope you’re not overworking yourself again, Ganyu. Remember to get out and eat, okay?”
The next person closed her eyes to kiss him and fell asleep. He held her steady, shaking her awake so she could enjoy the kiss fully.
“Don’t fall asleep on me, Layla.”
Then came a kiss different from the others. Different from anything else he’d ever experienced in Teyvat.
“Hello, Aloy.”
The three cryo ladies departed, rather impressed by his feat. He couldn’t see it, but every single woman who had kissed him was blushing.
Another one plopped down beside him. Her kiss was warm and playful. It made him grin.
“I know you’re holding back a laugh, Yoimiya. Come on, let it out.”
He gave her a little tickle making her chortle. Gods, he loved her laughs—loud and bright, exploding like colors across his senses. Yoimiya, still giggling, gave him one last peck before bounding away.
The next person to kiss him cupped his chin and brought him in. That fearless attitude, it could only be…
“Chevreuse, you taste like snacks.”
She pinched his cheek in reprimand. “One word about my eating habits and I’ll lock you up.”
“Sorry…sorry.”
She rolled off the couch, more than a little pleased at the sensation of Aether’s lips.
Aether’s head exploded as wild lips claimed his. The kiss was hot, stubborn, and her little moans were downright musical.
“Yo, Xinyan.”
“Darn right,” said the rockstar.
Another person sat down beside him. He didn’t need the smell of burnt steaks and TNT to know it was her. As soon as her familiar presence was beside him, his heart felt at ease. Her kiss warmed his whole body like she always did whenever they ventured through Dragonspire’s frosty peaks.
Aether held her tightly, as they held each other against those vicious snowstorms.
“Amber,” he said. Her mouth smiled against his.
The next kiss came from someone dry like the desert. Behind her lips, the salt of tears and the steel of a maiden who had been strengthened by those hardships.
“Hey there, Jeht.”
The next kiss tasted of alcohol, along with something else—an all too familiar frosty pride.
"Is this your idea of vengeance, Eula?”
He could practically hear her blush red as she choked out, “Vengeance will be mine.”
He got a very sloppy kiss from someone who used all tongue to stroke the roof of his mouth. She snogged him for a good minute before letting him breathe.
“I know you’re the Mirror Maiden,” he said, “but you never did tell me your name.”
She snickered. “Perhaps one day, I shall.”
There came another damp kiss, more chaste and devout. “Definitely Barbara,” he said.
The pop star pranced off with a little skip. If he could see, he bet it would be adorable.
The next kiss was more like a peck—timid and experimental.
“Sucrose. If you want more, go for it.”
“Oh…um… that was fine. But thank you very much.”
He received another timid kiss, but this one tasted like the outdoors. Tenderly, Aether clasped her hand.
“The pita pocket tastes different this time, Collei.”
The green-haired girl blushed profusely. “Yeah, I’ve been testing some different ingredients. Maybe you can try them later.”
He didn’t taste anything with this next kiss, but he didn’t need to. He felt her makeup smearing on his cheek when they touched.
“Hello Dehya. I like the Sumeru Rose lipstick you’re trying out.”
The next kiss had no taste either, but it came from someone reeking of self-confidence. This someone evidently didn’t care how the others kissed by the way she bit his lip. She set her own trends. And she wasn’t shy about kissing whatever part of him she darn well pleased.
“Chiori.”
Then came an odd kiss. This one was prideful, striving to outdo the last woman by licking his tongue. Yet, she had a gentle side to her. If he had to put a word to this gentleness, he'd call it "motherly". Whoever this person was, they had to bend over quite a bit to kiss him, so they must’ve been tall. He pondered. Prideful, competitive, tall, and motherly…
The women held their breaths in anticipation. Would he mess up this time? Then Aether calmly said, “Xianyun.”
“That is correct,” she said. “Color one impressed.”
Xianyun strode away, inviting the next woman up. She dove right into him like an eager puppy. Bright, cheery, and totally relentless in pursuit of her goals… Inwardly, he grinned.
“Hello, Charlotte. And yes, you can interview me later.”
Another pair of lips found him. Aether felt secure like this person would always have his back.
“I hope you brought some macarons, Navia.”
Lithe fingers ran up his midriff, up his chest and neck, all the way along his jawbone. The hands cupped his chin and compelled him forward to a very full set of lips. No tongue—this person wanted to make him yearn for her, wanted to watch him beg. You’re mine, her kiss seemed to growl, even if you don’t know it yet, you belong to me.
“Yae Miko,” he said. The shrine maiden’s soft giggle confirmed his suspicion.
The next person didn’t bother with subtlety. She marched right up to him, grabbed his face, and went for it. A tongue slid into his mouth, whimpering with delight as they tasted one another. She wanted him, and she didn’t see any reason to pretend otherwise. Oh boy, he knew that all-too-familiar attitude. Honestly, he always found her bluntness refreshing.
“You sure can kiss,” he said, “Keqing.”
“Yes well. I don’t see any point in pretending otherwise.”
Head high, she walked around the couch and left. Aether took a second to wipe some spittle from his lip when someone new dabbed their handkerchief on the mess, cleaning him up. Her kiss was nervous but had a clear purpose, like an oath of loyalty, a promise to serve and protect.
“Thanks, Noelle.”
She left in high spirits. Then came another kiss with a promise to serve and protect. This one cooled him like an oasis in the desert.
“I’ll protect you too. Candace.”
Like Noelle, the next woman gave a chaste kiss, one that promised to protect him should he need her. And that taste…coffee, a lot of it.
“Make sure you take some time off now and then, Jean.”
There was a moment of silence. He sensed someone standing before him, hesitating. She fidgeted, anxiously, her lips working in consternation as she searched for courage. Patiently, Aether extended a hand. She took it, letting him guide her down. When they kissed, he heard her heart flutter.
Emboldened, her hands slipped around his waist and drew him closer. They shared one long kiss before she drew back, her chest heaving. Aether grinned.
“Good job, Ayaka.”
The Kamisato heiress permitted herself a smile. Face blooming red, she hurried away utterly overflowing with joy.
The next woman had a kiss brimming with pride and stubbornness. Clearly, she had confidence in her intellect. Contradicting her erudite disposition, her lips proved youthfully tender.
“You’re Madame Faruzan.”
He knew the next woman right away. When she kissed him, he could practically feel her energy replenishing.
“Did I give you plus ten energy, Kokomi?”
Beneath the blindfold, he heard the next kisser swallow. Yet, her gait had this note of bravado proudly clapping along the tiles. She lingered before him. With great trepidation, she brought her lips into his. Aether could’ve guessed from the false bravado, but that’s not what gave her away. He knew her by the way her kiss made his heart pang.
He reached out, gently caressing her cheek with his thumb.
“I know it’s been hard,” he said. “But you’re not alone anymore. I’m here for you. Furina.”
The former Hydro Archon threw her arms around him. He embraced her, whispering further reassurances into her ear as he stroked her back. Furina brought his face to hers for one more grateful kiss before she scurried away. The other girls patted her shoulders in solidarity. Furina’s sniffles subsided.
“Yes well,” she said rather haughtily. “Well done seeing through my performance.”
She didn’t see him roll his eyes beneath the blindfold.
The next kiss was contradictory. This person held themselves professionally like they were accustomed to having control. But their lips tasted like dango.
“Shinobu,” he said. “You won some candies from your boss again.”
Lips hovered inches from his, riddled with uncertainty. She brought her lips to his, in the way she’d seen the others do. Clearly, she wasn’t certain she did this correctly, much less the newfound sensation coursing through her body.
He encouraged her by deepening their kiss, opening his mouth to hers. Though her lips were frosty, her touch was unquestionably needy. Someone who deeply longed for companionship, someone who only wanted to belong…someone whose breath smelled of bitter Qingxin.
“You did great, Shenhe,” he said. “I liked it a lot.”
“That is…good to know.”
That was his thirtieth kiss. He still didn’t see how this would stop the second Archon War. Not that he really minded. These girls sure could kiss.
He had no sooner thought this than another strode before him. Wrapping her arms around his neck, she lowered her lips. She paused inches from his, not so much leading him on as asking a question. May I? Those lips asked.
“Go for it, Nilou,” he whispered.
She kissed him, her lips broadened by a grin. Their lips danced with elegance, perfectly in tandem with every motion. Every second melted his worries of the day away, bringing him back to that beautiful evening at the Subzeruz Festival.
When they parted, she glided away. He wished he could see her beautiful movements. But at least, they had been burned into his soul.
Someone ushered his head down. A gasp escaped from the girls as his head landed on a very soft pair of thighs. The person in question stroked a strand of his hair. A fingertip traced the angle of his cheekbone down to his lips. It slid into his mouth, beckoning him to lick. I am in control the finger seemed to proclaim. I am Lisa it bellowed at him or perhaps I am Ningguang. You’ll never truly know.
Aether wasn’t fooled. All that domineering and touching was part of one elaborate performance. He could recognize the performer in question through any costume.
“You're really in character. Yun Jin.”
The opera star set him back up and finally kissed him. The disguise had dropped. Yun Jin kissed and kissed and kissed to her heart’s content. Once satisfied, she departed.
Another person strode to his side and sat down beside him. She claimed his lips in a dramatic flair that he knew too well.
“Prithee,” he said, “doest mine kiss please thee, the almighty Prinzessin der Verurteilung? Should mine ministrations prove anyway lacking, this humble miscreant begs thy forgiveness, for one is but a lowly vagabond next to thy majesty.”
“Rest assured,” said Fichl, “your kiss is most welcome and befitting of my royal personage. Indeed, your touch truly stokes the restless fires of mine heart, propelling me to the utmost pinnacle of jubilation.”
“What mein Fräulein means to say is she loves making out with you."
“Oz! Why’d you have to say that part out loud?”
Mustering what dignity she had left, Fischl marched away. He could only imagine the cute expression she must be making right now.
The next kiss utterly took his breath away. It was power, unquestionable might like the hurricane. And yet, the person behind it had this timidity. Kissing him seemed to fill her with pleasure but also apprehension. This kind of intimacy scared her. Any second it could be over, torn from her like everything else she had loved.
Aether’s body moved on its own. Driven by a deep need to comfort her, he embraced the Electro Archon. He kissed her in return. I will never leave you he spoke through his gentle touch. This thing we have will never end.
“Ei,” he whispered. “You don’t have to be afraid anymore. I’m here.”
“Promise?”
“I promise. Come what may, I’ll be here.”
Ei pressed herself against him, bringing the full weight of her toned form against him. Freed from her fears, she dared to clasp his face and deepened their kiss. Her lips moved in a frenzied need, hungry for more of him. Her nails scraped through his hair, clutching fistfuls of it as her hand slipped beneath his shirt. She lay her palm flat against his racing heart, memorizing the way it drummed.
“Ahem,” said Yae Miko. “Do try to leave some for the rest of us.”
Ei suddenly realized everyone was watching her. Flushing with embarrassment, the Electro Archon hid her face in her hands and fled to a corner of the room. The sounds of her short-circuiting made Aether smile. For someone who could cut islands in half, Ei was so cute when she got flustered.
Who had he kissed so far? Honestly, he was starting to lose track.
When the next woman kissed him, her lips came like Ei’s: ravenous for a taste. No hesitation and no teasing. She mashed hers against his, stroking his arousal beneath his pants. It wasn’t her utter confidence that tipped him off or the way she kissed knowing exactly what he would like best. He couldn’t explain how or why, but he knew deep down as if it were fate.
“Using astrology to figure out what I like best seems a little underhanded, Mona.”
“Oh, I don’t need astrology. I can read you like an open book.”
Away Mona strode, more than proud of her ability.
The next woman spent ten good seconds appraising him like a fine jewel. That’s how he knew before she brought her lips to his and tasted the Mora on her tongue.
“Am I a precious good, Ningguang?”
“The most precious of all.”
The person who kissed him next was cold. She didn’t tongue-kiss him or stroke his body, though her tongue lingered at the opening of his mouth. He knew she wasn’t used to being vulnerable with anyone else. That’s why he valued the fact she only showed her softer side to him.
Aether opened his mouth in invitation. Immediately, her tongue shot forth, claiming every inch of him. As they pulled away, Aether rested his forehead against hers.
“I won’t hurt you, Rosaria. You can relax.”
He leaned over, planting a kiss on her cheek. The normally cold skin felt oddly warm.
Next came a warm and gentle pair of lips. They had this youthful exuberance coupled with a professionalism that Aether knew all too well.
“You’re a good lawyer,” he said, “and an even better kisser, Yanfei.”
No sooner had Yanfei gone off, humming her delight, than the next woman took her place. His hair stood on end as a tongue wrestled his into utter submission. While she orally dominated him, her other hand ran along his chest in a tender, massaging kind of way. She wanted him relaxed and at ease as she made him her own.
“That’s…” he managed between kisses, “Really good, Lisa.”
“Not bad, cutie.”
Lisa probably gave him a wink before nuzzling her nose to his and sauntering off.
The women all held their breaths. Just two left. Could Aether really do it?
One of the last girls whispered something to the other. They grinned.
Together, they walked over to the couch, sat on opposite sides of Aether, and kissed his cheeks. Then, they licked his inner ears, making him shiver. Both kissed his lips at once in a three-way kiss that sent his brain into shock.
Oh, he knew this one.
He turned to the girl on his left, “My ear is not a cooking ingredient, Xiangling.” Then he turned to his right. “There's only one person crazy enough to talk Xiangling into doing this. And it's the same person who loves making me shiver. Isn't that right? Hu Tao.”
“Ding-ding-ding,” the young lady beamed.
Every woman offered a round of applause. Beidou and Dehya clapped loudly, hooting, and hollering their approval. Yoimiya let out a whistle. Yae Miko surrendered a polite, modest clap, truly amused by this turn of events. Noelle, Collei, and Sucrose offered their own meeker applause.
“Incredible,” said Amber. “You can really tell us all apart.”
“Of course I can. You’re all different. And it’s cliché to say, but you’re all truly special in your own ways.”
Each one of them turned and apologized to Tubby. They never should’ve caused her so much trouble with their bickering. From now on, they promised, they would not be jealous of one another or start fights. The Adeptus had proven beyond any doubt, that Aether adored them all equally.
Tubby permitted herself a moment of satisfaction. Seemed trusting in Aether’s big heart was the right choice. Maybe, things would be alright for a while longer.
Aether cleared his throat. “Hey, if we’re done here, can I take off this blindfold?”
“Why don’t you wait a moment, little one?” said Miko. She beckoned the women closer. “Ladies, I do believe the perfect opportunity has landed right in our laps.”
That’s when Yae Miko got a very devious glint in her eyes. Tubby did not like the look of that smile. Not one bit. Her fears only deepened as Miko whispered to the others. Every woman either grinned, nearly fainted, flushed crimson, or fidgeted. But when Miko finished her little proposal, each one nodded.
They strode around the couch over to Aether. The next second, his clothes were flying across the room. A pair of white boxers landed on Tubby’s head.
Yae Miko gave the Adeptus a polite smile. “Thanks for proving your point, Tubby. Since he loves us all equally, we’re going to love him—equally.”
Paimon patted her belly. The sticky honey roast from Good Hunter always tasted so good. Time for a little siesta. She flew towards the mansion, humming a little ditty she’d heard in the square, when halfway up the walkway Tubby floated towards her.
“Hey Tubby! What’s up?”
“Nothing much. I’m sorry but I must ask you to take your siesta elsewhere. The mansion is occupied for renovations.”
“Oh. Well, if you say so.” Paimon glanced around. “Where’s Aether?”
“He’s helping with the renovations.”
Paimon turned to the mansion. The curtains had been drawn shut. Maybe she was imagining things, but it sounded like there were a lot of people moving around in there. And a lot of moaning. Furniture crashed, followed by a glass chandelier shattering. The moaning only grew louder. Sounded like Aether must be hard at work. Well, she didn’t want to get in his way.
She floated off to another island, searching for a nice patch of grass to rest her head.
Tubby sighed. Silently, she uttered a prayer for Aether. Along with an apology. In her quest for peace, she had unleashed a monster.
“Hey, Tubby?” called Paimon. “How long do you think those renovations will take?”
“To be entirely honest, Paimon,” said Tubby glumly, “I have no idea.”