Work Text:
The moment Nico di Angelo decided to appease his heart of that bittersweet and unrequited love was the moment by which Percy Jackson truly started to pay critical attention to the young man.
To some extent, it was the moment Percy Jackson almost had fallen irrevocably in love with Nico di Angelo.
The memories always brought a sad smile to crease his lips, even so now as he observed from afar the said person whom he almost had offered his heart wholeheartedly to.
Reminiscing through how it bloomed through the calm after countless adversities, that almost love was utterly complicated and bittersweet in its unique way. Had Percy not been emerging past the lingering depression of a withered love, then perhaps he and Nico might have been. Calypso was not his greatest what-if, Percy gathered for himself. It was, and will always be, Nico di Angelo.
The confrontation with Nico di Angelo thereafter said young demigod’s confession was partially awkward based on the son of Poseidon’s perspective, yet it allowed for Percy to acknowledge and perceive the son of Hades in a whole and new different light. It only occurred then to Percy how he never did truly pay attention to the younger demigod – of his personal growth and those significant changes comparable to his former, cheery ten-year old self. It only occurred then to Percy how much he had destroyed this person’s entire life, yet the extent as well of how deeply his devotion to his emotions for Percy had been – and perhaps still was.
Nico had matured drastically in that short period of a few years; significantly more than what Percy had in the duration of acknowledging his existence as a demigod. The toll of the price for that maturity dawned as clear as day on his features, and Percy silently lamented over the demise of that former ten-year old child. Gone was his cheery disposition, replaced equally by a refined solemnity and weariness of the burdens Percy had inadvertently and advertently placed upon his shoulders. Those formerly dark brown irises edged more towards black, seeming like shattered glass under Percy’s scrutiny, and Percy had to remind himself that it was his fault once more.
The confrontation with Nico di Angelo was nothing short of providing a closure to a complex relationship that struggled to bloom in the adversities. Nico believed that. Percy believed that.
That was, apparently, not the case.
The expected life span of a demigod extends no further than a decade or two. In tandem, happiness for demigods tend to be short-lived. It was unspoken; how Percy anticipated the possibility of Annabeth and him becoming detached from each other. Tartarus, that damned and horrendous domain, had inflicted much damage to them mentally and psychologically, and events had further caused a rift to form between them. It was too suffocating to stay in a relationship where neither could possibly offer comfort when both suffered through the relentless nightmares in silence. The spark was lost – that spark that bloomed in the adversities – and was meaningless to forcefully attach themselves to each other for convenience.
Tartarus was partially the reason, but Percy assumed further. In reality, Annabeth never did truly moved on from the Luke Castellan. Days, weeks, months, years… no amount of time could ever crush a love that had been deeply seated and unconditional. They stayed in a relationship with the hope of a possibility; a compromise. They stayed in a relationship with the hopes that one that was equally true and irrevocable would bloom.
They stayed because of a blind hope, yet they parted because of a crucial and harsh reality.
They were never made for each other in the way that Percy – and perhaps Annabeth, even in the slightest – had hoped. They were never made for each other in the way that the goddess of love, Aphrodite, had implied all those years back.
It was his first love, and it truly and excruciatingly hurt.
Surprisingly – perhaps, not so – it was significantly Nico who gradually pulled him from his festering depression. In those critical and precious months, Percy had come to know Nico further, and was provided with an unspoken and much elaborate explanation as to the young man’s previous actions. Nico di Angelo had never been one to expose his intentions, but those intentions were never for his sake. Out of all courses of action the son of Hades would formulate in his mind, the sole response he would execute would always be with the best interest of the other party in his thoughts. In all actions that Nico would take, the young Italian male would almost always never consider the consequences directed towards him. Nico was, and would always be, nothing short of selfless.
Percy acknowledged just as much how Nico was able to smile much often since their last confrontation, as those thin and pale chapped lips would often twitch and curl the slightest bit out of sheer humor or happiness. Percy acknowledged just as much how those nearly black irises were reverting to their alluring dark brown hues and becoming much vibrant and life-filled as the days passed by. Percy acknowledged just as much how Nico’s pale and icy cold skin was slowly reverting back to its olive hue while regaining their natural warmth. Percy acknowledged just as much how Nico was filling his attires once more, and all of these acknowledgements had Percy concluding that Nico was finally starting to live once again, that he was regaining the humanity and life that he lost amidst the countless adversities on their lives.
Nico’s conviction in aiding Percy through his depressed state only served as a further reminder of the younger male’s devotion to Percy; of that unconditional and irrevocable first love that Percy had observed with the daughter of Athena, but was now being projected to him by another person.
It was only when Percy was functioning as normal as he possibly could be that it dawned upon him that, perhaps, Nico still possessed a scintilla of that maddening and alluring irrevocable love that Percy had once wished was offered solely for him by another. It was only when Percy was functioning as normal as he possibly could be that it occurred to him that Jason Grace, the son of Jupiter and former praetor of New Rome, was slowly becoming the causes of those miniscule positive changes in Nico.
It was only then that a dull and foreign ache started budding in his chest, and Percy had to wonder what such ache implied for him.
“Do you regret it?”
It was only months later that it fully dawned on Percy the extent and impact of Jason’s life was to Nico. It was only months later, when the younger demigods confided in their closely-knitted circle of friends of their undisclosed relationship, that it dawned on Percy how Nico’s heart might have completely extinguished – in that exhausting and bittersweet waiting – that scintilla of love Percy assumed still remained for him.
It was only then, when the harsh reality slammed right across his face that it fully dawned on Percy how he had almost fallen irrevocably in love with Nico di Angelo.
Because it was not supposed to hurt when he heard of their relationship. His heart should not be aching to an excruciating extent when he had to gaze at Nico’s miniscule smiles and come into terms that he was neither the cause for them, nor were they directed to him. His heart was not supposed to be palpitating erratically when Nico would search the camp grounds for him, and focus solely then on his figure as if he were the only person in Nico’s world. His breath was not supposed to hitch in each and every single instance that he would see or hear Nico’s laughter, knowing that he was the causes for them.
Percy was not supposed to feel such intense emotions, and yet he did.
Glancing towards his side, the son of Poseidon silently acknowledged the daughter of the goddess of love, her kaleidoscopic eyes lingering on the laughing couple. There was a certain sadness in them; a hint of longing that could never be completely masked even through the years.
If there was anyone in the entire world that could possibly understand the intensity of such frustrating emotions, it had to be Piper McLean.
Redirecting his attention towards the couple, a hint of sadness fleeted through his sea-green eyes just as an intensifying ache bloomed in his chest as if a thousand needles were prickling his already fragile heart.
Nico was happy, actually and naturally happy, and Percy had always exceedingly wished for the son of Hades’ happiness.
“No. I’m happy, as long as he is.”
Piper merely bit her bottom lip, but never offered a response in return. If Percy had to be honest, he truly meant what he had uttered as a response, though only partially. Percy wished he could have been the happiness that Nico needed in his life; wished that he was the one to be on the receiving end of that irrevocable and unconditional love. Percy wished that he had been Nico’s happiness instead.
But, Percy, for once in his life, was certain that Jason could offer and provide so much more of that happiness which Nico rightfully deserved. Jason was offering more and more of that happiness to the son of Hades with each passing day, and Percy could never bring himself to wish that Nico would once more glance his way with that immense love and devotion.
Jason was now Nico’s happiness, and Percy would be the most selfish and inhumane person in the world if he had ever thought of taking Nico from his happiness.
Repressing his emotions to himself, Percy slowly casted his eyes away and turned from the sight, shakily breathing in air into his constricting lungs. There was only one thought in his mind at that moment, and he was certain that he could never breathe it out loud. But in the safety of the confines of his mind, Percy was certain that he could be honest, even just solely to himself for once.
“You know, Nico… I’m sorry it took me so long, but I really did fall in love with you.”
.
.
.
Finisce L’amore